Whats you opinion of "stay at home wives"

[strawberryperogi]

After reading another thread about SAHMs I am curious about what people would say about SAHWs, I know you will all say it should just be unemployed but if the person isn't looking for a job then are they really in that catagory?

Could you respect or be friends with a woman who didn't work and earn or at least look after her children?

Just curious!

Not working whilst a spouse has too, having a gardener and cleaner despite having no job so plenty of time most would describe as lazy and self indulgent.

I'm interested in this point of view. I'm not in that position (I wish I had a gardener and cleaner!) but why is it self indulgent and what would you suggest this person does as an alternative? It seems pretty pointless to get a menial job to earn a salary that would be insignificant in terms of the household income. Assuming they pay their gardener and cleaner a good wage and provide good working conditions I don't see the problem with employing these people either. I would expect a person living this lifestyle to acknowledge that they have a privileged position and you could argue that with so much free time they should give something back to their community (volunteering etc.) but I don't really see the problem with it in general.

The only problem is the green-eyed monster!

An adult capable of being competent in work can problem solve domestic chores and correspondence

Of course they’re capable. They just don’t want to. The working partner is surely making a choice about this too?

I can do what I like with my time without it impacting on anyone else at all are you really satisfied with that? You say you have no impact

If I wasn’t satisfied with my lifestyle I’d change it. As it is I’m at a point in life where I feel happy, secure and relaxed not working and not having much on an ‘impact’ on other people apart from my friends and family. Maybe some of the reason is that I’m in my 50s and I’ve done more productive things in the past. I’ve worked in a job where I could help people, I’ve been involved in charity work overseas and I’ve raised four kids. I’ve enjoyed doing all those things but at the moment I’m happy doing my own thing and if that’s lazy or self indulgent then so be it. I don’t have a need to be proving my worth to anyone else. Like I said earlier I don’t really care what people think. 😂. I feel very lucky that I can indulge myself.

I’m also not ruling out doing something different in the future perhaps when my husband retires next year. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I still feel young.

Anyway I need to get my lazy (but fantastically toned) butt off this couch... I’ve things to do. 😁

I'm interested in what point people become a sahw? And whether howled they are makes them retired? Or whether how long they worked previously means they are okay to stop working? Is it all people not working with grown up children or is it dependant on other factors.

For example someone who worked for 20 years before having dc, then spent 15 years a sahm (so have paid NI and tax and have a small pension) and supporting their husbands career enabling him to progress so they could share a larger salary. Doing all the work at home and with the kids and looking after both sets of elderly parents and are now early to mid 50s. They will be virtually unemployable apart from some very low paid work, they don't need the money and the husband still wants the level of support and to not lift a finger at home and they are happy with that arrangement.

Are they a prostitute? Cuntlodger? Leech? Or are they now retired early? Does the working partner owe them some financial support considering the joint agreements they made? (i suspect divorce lawyers may argue this). At what age can we start judging people? Is there a cut off somewhere?

Grandmaswag,yes absolutely the waged adult can independently do domestic tasks etc
It’s often said on mn that the high flying dp can’t shop,cook,soft correspondence.
Apparently the dp Finding himself in menswear with choices would be simply overwhelming. Needs a woman for that
Reality is Simply,Chooses not to do these tasks As has partner who’ll do it

I know someone who has never worked, is now a widow in her mid-40s and lives off her inheritance. She is surely not a retired prostitute?

Does this widow have consumption and malaise its v Edwardian

TBH i have no idea why we need to judge at all. As long as no one is being abused then who cares what they do?

I have friends that have never worked and a friends who have thrown everything into their careers with the whole spectrum in the middle. We are friends because we like each other. It has nothing to do with our work situations.

In fact, now we are all in our mid 50's those who are still working very much envy those of us now not working.

Live and let live i say.

All these types of thread convince me of is that there are a load of thoroughly unpleasant people in the world who think their misanthropic, judgemental, cat's arse mouth opinions should actually have some sway on what other people do.

MrsKoala good questions. Here is my situation:

Started full time work 2 weeks after graduating when I was 22. Had part time and holiday jobs throughout uni. Worked pretty much full-time Until I was 43 (including re-training with a post-grad ‘on the job’ course).

Had two children - one when I was 31 and one when I was 34. Returned to work after Ordinary Maternity Leave with both.

Developed a disability at age 35. Continued to work as long as possible with support worker grant of about £7,000 a year from Access to Work.

Took ill health retirement just before 43rd birthday, so worked for 21 years post grad. I ‘could’ work (perfectly capable of doing some things) but it is highly unlikely that anyone would employ me given the nature of my disability. I would be too unproductive in the workforce.

I receive a pension and disability benefits (contribution based). I volunteer at the local Foodbank and primary school.

I am sure many people on here would find me difficult to respect, consider me a prostitute or benefits-scum based on my circumstances. I couldn’t give a flying f*ck.

I am perfectly happy with my life.

Mookatron well said.

As long as the SAHW is happy with it, why not?
And obviously, as long as she can afford to.
All this, "I can only be friends with high achieving women or (even worse) driven women" is ridiculous.

Hear hear mookatron

Live how you want, as long as it doesn’t harm anyone else.

Irishgardenermum made a good point about the changing face of work, with increasing automation and AI being potentially used to replace existing normal jobs. Some will have to adapt/rethink/find a new raison d’être if their job is the sole key to their identity!
Consider the trials of universal basic income in Finland, which has changed the way people work and led to more voluntary work and creative endeavours amongst some participants. As some have mentioned, SAHW/Hs who provide employment for cleaners or gardeners are providing work for others, who presumably need the work.
Read William Morris News From Nowhere for an interesting take on work and meaning from a hundred years ago (and a bit). In Morris’s utopia, no one HAS to work in the way people do now, but people have multiple roles in their community and of course there’s an emphasis on creative skills. Maybe UBI could end up making this possible, albeit with robots that Morris didn’t predict!
Ps: good for you, GreyToGreen! Can’t believe the judginess on this thrad (actually, no, I can, sadly...)

Those who are SAHW (without kids) and spend their days doing hobbies - don't you feel a bit guilty that your DH spends all day working while you have a lovely hobby filled day?
Doesn't your DH mind?

I'm a SAHM to a 5 and 3 yr old and I already feel a bit guilty that I get more free time than DH - even though I only get a few hours more.

If my DH earned £100,000's and he was happy to be doing this and for me not to be working, then I wouldn't.

There are so many places where communities need volunteer workers that I would rather my job went to somebody who needed it.

In my work I see a lot of vulnerable families where funded support is no longer available. I think it's great if people who don't actually need to be earning because there is already a high enough wage coming into that household do something to help others.

This would obviously work either way depending on which partner was the high earner and was happy to be doing this.

OTOH I don't think it's right for one person to be working 12 hour days feeling stressed about money whilst their partner spends their time on computer games or having their nails done.

don't you feel a bit guilty that your DH spends all day working while you have a lovely hobby filled day?

No - DH was doing that same job before we met and working all the hours under the sun, and his life is much better now that he comes home to someone who has sorted the house/food/home PA tasks out and who looks after him. BUT I am really appreciative and show him this, and we have a wonderful mutually supportive relationship. I never ever take him for granted and I have never felt anything but valued and respected. I also respect myself and what I am doing. I think it is sad that some people on here can only feel validated by what they do for a living - there is so much more to a person than that. I don't pick my friends by their job, I want to be friends with someone who is kind and funny and understanding.

Well this thread is certainly eye opening.

I am a sahm/sahw my children are teenagers. I have a disabled child who I take to appointments once a week and care for after his many surgeries. When I’m not caring I volunteer with sure start, help out at a food bank and help the local primary school with trips, fetes and reading with the children. I also help with the local gardening charity that benefits our village.

Thank you for calling me a prostitute and having no respect for me you have really made me feel good about myself!

Will I only be respected if I get a job? Have things changed so much in the world that you are only valued and respected by your pay packet? A lot of you need to get over yourselves. You are no better than me just because you get paid.

LipstickHandbagCoffee

Of course he chooses not to do it. That's part of being married right? You share out the responsibility not necessarily because you're incapable but because you prefer it. If one person is working a lot it makes sense for the other to take some of the other hassle out of their life.

don't you feel a bit guilty that your DH spends all day working while you have a lovely hobby filled day?

I think this would depend surely. If the DH is doing a job he hates to provide a certain lifestyle and his DW could make a significant contribution financially to allow him to retire early or work a less demanding job absolutely she should. I think if the DH is actually enjoying his career then presumably he's happy the rest of his life is easy as all the other stuff is taken care of.

Lipstick and box set - having worked hard all my life, having been a single mum, a married one, a sahm, a working parent, I take my hat off to grey with her 'indulgent' life. What is wrong with being self indulgent - it rocks!

For me the issue is that the SAHW just becomes an enabler for a man which I think is problematic in itself. In simple terms this enabling gives men the freedom to take on senior roles among other things and thus continues a situation of male power and upholds 'patriarchy.'

I don't doubt that this set up benefits the women and men involved - there will always be men who want someone to support them and always women who don't want to go out to work and want to be supported - but whether it's good for society in general is another thing. I don't think there's anything particularly good about a woman being fully reliant on a man for money.

For those people who say 'it's nobody's business' we live in a socialist state where it becomes everybody's business when things don't work out and the state has to pitch in. It is a contradiction of our age that we want to be able to make decisions without intervention and with complete autonomy, as if we were libertarians, but then expect the state to intervene when those decisions don't pan out.

And if one must be called a prostitute when one is not working in a 'salaried role', then I'm a highly paid one cos I don't exactly put out much

I don’t live an austere life,grey. Except i fund my own self indulgences
My dp doesn’t fund my indulgences,nor will he ever