Whats you opinion of "stay at home wives"

[strawberryperogi]

After reading another thread about SAHMs I am curious about what people would say about SAHWs, I know you will all say it should just be unemployed but if the person isn't looking for a job then are they really in that catagory?

Could you respect or be friends with a woman who didn't work and earn or at least look after her children?

Just curious!

It's no one's business but their own. If they can afford it and are happy with the arrangement then why the hell shouldn't they? What effect does it have on anyone else?

It's interesting though. As mainly as parents, men and women, we bring our sons and daughters up to be educated. To get a good job. To be independent. To be the best they can be. To be successful.

To aim to be a stay at home spouse is not how most parents bring their children up. We don't teach them, they don't need an education, they just need to marry well, then they can stay home. It is seldom the aim of any parent for their child, son or daughter.

It was years ago for girls. But now, even in wealthy circles, it's rare to bring your child up with the intent of never working. Middletons aside

Comparing a SAHW or long-term SAHM to a prostitute is utterly ridiculous. What is the mentality of some people fgs? A marriage is about a lot more than sex. The DH might be impotent for all you know and just glad to have someone who will stay with him.

So what about a wife who earns 10% of what her husband does - is she 90% prostitute? Utter nonsense.

The fact is some people are fortunate that they don't need to work. Yes multi- millionaires are only a few percent of the population, but that still constitutes hundreds of thousands of people. Wander around some areas of London and this kind of income is the norm. When money is not an issue or the couple would not notice the extra salary, then obviously, you have a different set of decisions open to you. As I said, many men in this situation pull back from work too because they can live off income from investments, etc. Your focus shifts to managing your properties or whatever or charity work etc and you tend to mix with people with a similar lifestyle to you. So no, you don't feel bored or useless because you have a different kind of focus.

I completely am paying attention,and my example is pertinent
No all sah gf are cleaning and doing essential tasks. Some do nowt.some do lots
The hypocrisy is women not working is never as harshly judged as man not working

I was made redundant at the end of last year, and thanks to a fairly generous pay-out, I decided I was going to take a bit of time out to attend to some 'projects' that I'd been wanting to catch up with for a while - volunteering, some studying/upskilling, and a bit of DIY.

(I spent five years as a freelancer/contractor, so I'm not completely undisciplined with regard to time management.)

Even with plans, I was bored senseless, and had practically gone feral by the time I went back to FT work in April I'm still struggling with this 'having to wear shoes all day again' thing).

I can only assume that people (male or female) who stay at home without caring responsibilities have considerably more imagination, or a much higher tolerance of boredom, than I do.

I have a relative in this position. She in in her 30’s, quit her job to study a part time distance learning degree but that’s fizzled out and she is just at home now. I think she must be rather bored. Her DH does the vast majority of housework too, they have no DC and she does not drive, so yes, an incredibly boring day to day life in my opinion.

I like the security of having my own money, a reasonable CV/references, and I like my job and the people I work with. If I had a dh with the money to support me, and the right attitude about it, I wouldn't mind being a stay at home wife myself again. I like floating around the house during the day, but some people would go stir crazy. I tried it for 2 years, got some benefits and dp gave me "housekeep" every week. I liked it, but my dp began to look down on me for not working, and started to see me as a skivvy. And I felt guilty and a bit useless not working. I felt embarrassed saying "I'm not working atm". He was a bit more respectful when I started working again, but still expected me to do 100% of the wife work/housework. I assume most of them are happy with their setup, but aware a few might not be.

Gah, I missed an open bracket in my post above, how annoying.

As it should have read (makes more sense):

"Even with plans, I was bored senseless, and had practically gone feral by the time I went back to FT work in April (I'm still struggling with this 'having to wear shoes all day again' thing).

*stay at home mum/wife/partner

I have quite a high boredom tolerance. I usually find something to entertain or distract myself. I do find I enjoy my free time a lot more, now I don't get as much or take it for granted when I do.

I've heard that plenty of expat housewives drink too much from idleness and loneliness.
I used to work for a company that sent engineers overseas. They often had wives who would go with them for longish term contracts - to places where finding work for themselves would be nigh on impossible. I did wonder what these women did with their time.

It wouldn't be for me but I wouldn't judge. Each to their own.

It's interesting though. As mainly as parents, men and women, we bring our sons and daughters up to be educated. To get a good job. To be independent. To be the best they can be. To be successful.

I will bring my children up to be happy. Educated too i hope. The measure of their success will be their happiness. Not their salary. I don't think there is great honour or value in toil. I resent it as a necessity since the industrial revolution. I believe there is value from people who are not working. While i agree taxes are required for our society, I think there is a binding nature of the protestant work ethic which isn't conducive to happiness. I would love my kids to be self employed and work when necessary and travel and pursue hobbies when not. Which is what i would also like to do. I would be totally happy as a SAHW and would still feel a value society.

Only on MN have I seen people who value work so much. Most people i know in RL hate it and does it under sufferance. I think it's a particularly middle class expectation to enjoy your work. No one I knew growing up was expecting to enjoy working. We all just knew we HAD to do it to pay for food and bills and would get out of it if we could.

Apart from the salary i get no satisfaction from making large companies rich while being miserable and working at minimum wage and if i didn't have to it would seem all the more bizarre to choose to do it.

The OP made it clear that mothers, carers and disabled/ ill women were not included in the question.

But you wouldn’t necessarily know. Not all health problems are visible. For some reason Hilary Mantel jumps to mind. She became a writer as (invisible) illness prevented her from working.

Could you respect or be friends with a woman who didn't work and earn or at least look after her children?

Yes of course. Why wouldn’t I?

Peoples domestic arrangements are their own business. I know quite a few expats whose kids have flown the coop, they’ve been trailing round after spouses for years across continents and now they’re sahws.

If everyone is happy, no one is coerced and the relationship is healthy (no financial control, equal access to finances etc) then crack on.

I plan to become a SAHW in the next few years should we be fortunate enough. I think for me the term is misleading. I have had a stronger desire since I was young to raise livestock (eggs, wool, meat etc) and grow all my own fruit and veg. I don't see how it would be possible to do that and also work a conventional job. I might make pocket money from this selling any excess produce, but in reality rather than being a positive monetary income it would significantly reduce our outgoings (if properly managed). In any extra spare time I'd like to make sure the house was cleaned and dinner was on the table when DP came home. That way it would greatly increase the quality of time we can spend together in the evenings/weekends. Ideally I'd like this kind of housework/homesteading approach established before we settle down to have children so I can adapt well to being a SAHM and home educator.

I can see how people might get frustrated with women who don't have children and choose not to work, but I think in the vast majority of cases there's a lot going on that you don't see, whether that's health issues, volunteering, helping with grandchildren, personal projects with the potential to make money (eg writing a book or building a blog)... Classic case of don't judge a book by it's cover.

The only SAHW I know are of a generation when women didn't have a choice about returning to work after kids. Of course a lot of my Mum's contemporaries did go back to work when their kids were school age but some didn't. Of those lots do masses of charity work and are valuable members of society, some have controlling husbands who didn't want them to work and have made it very difficult and some have some mental health issues like anxiety because their lives have shrunk so much they seem to panic about minor issues in life that wouldn't phase a healthier individual - see comment above about their large garden, my father managed to run a successful business and maintain a large garden without any fuss, the garden was his relaxation.

And can we stop the bullshit about freeing up a job for someone who needs it. That's not how the economy works, there is not a finite and constant number of jobs. As has already been pointed out SAHW are 'economically inactive', i.e. they don't contribute to the economy. Whereas a worker has an income that they will spend on goods and services that create jobs for other people.

I will bring my children up to be happy

We all bring our children up to be happy. However most, and I get not you, also bring them up with a strong work ethic if possible. To be self sufficienct, to earn it if they want it, not simply to aim to marry well and have someone else pay for it.

I work. I enjoy my job. I would consider myself happy. I earn a high salary, I was brought up poor. There is little joy in it I can assure you, long and hard hours for little money. Worrying about bills. No treats.

Being brought up to do the minimum to get buy or hope someone else will pay for your hobbies and travels will lead to disappointment for
most.

There is no pride in bringing kids up with little to no work ethic. And it will not lead to happiness for most.

Mention a woman not working and someone always pipes up about volunteering ,altruism,or some such
Not all unwaged woman are in pta,careers or volunteering,or being altruistic
Some are simply doing their thing

I’ve heard that plenty of expat housewives drink too much from idleness and loneliness.

Well possibly but it doesn’t appear to be true of any of the women I know.

They are all either terribly sporty and training for triathlons or volunteering in the community. Not a drunk among them.

Oh lovely, we are prostitutes who don't instil a work ethic into our children. Will you tell that to all four of my kids who work full time, three of them have children? Ta.

When I was on maternity leave I had plans to go back to work after DS started school then he was born with a congenital health problem. So I began looking for work that would fit in with his school day as I didn't feel comfortable leaving him with a child minder with his health issues. We didn't need the extra income - DH earns a good wage and is self employed but I felt it would be nice to have a bit extra coming in.

Well my mum scuppered those plans by becoming ill with Alzheimer's. Show me an employer who would allow over 20 days off for appointments (she had other health issues too in one particular year and GPs/hospitals very rarely schedule anything for weekends...) and I'd have snapped their arm off.

So I started my own business and it's been pretty successful so far. But to the outside world I am a SAHW because I run my business from home.

I also help DH with his business (I am a director of his company) and I do voluntary work. But to the outside world I'm a lazy so and so. And yes, I do sit down to watch a film or TV programme in the afternoon, with a cuppa. I do my business work to suit my day not the other way round so if I want to go for a coffee with friends, go to DC sports day or watch that film I can.

If I hadn't been a SAHW I'd never have pushed myself to start my business.

I have no respect for a stay at home wife. That is basically prostitution imo!

Jess I’ve read and foul comments but you’re really sinking with that one. Shame on you.

I’d love to not work. We’re saving and paying off mortgage as quickly as we can to be in the position where one or both can not work way before retirement age.
I would only give up work if it wouldn’t be a financial hardship but then would do so instantly. Maybe I’d volunteer and do something altruistic but ... probably I wouldn’t.

Could you respect or be friends with a woman who didn't work and earn or at least look after her children?

Sounds a bit jealous? She obviously have a husband who can support her to enjoy how she want to live?

@scaryteacher all love and respect to you too thank you for your kind words