Whats you opinion of "stay at home wives"

[strawberryperogi]

After reading another thread about SAHMs I am curious about what people would say about SAHWs, I know you will all say it should just be unemployed but if the person isn't looking for a job then are they really in that catagory?

Could you respect or be friends with a woman who didn't work and earn or at least look after her children?

Just curious!

My job is OK, but I'd far rather be spending time on my hobbies, with my animals etc. I'm no great fan of housework, but working full-time doesn't mean I don't have to do any - I just have to do my share on top of working! I am a night-owl, and would love to be able to live by my body-clock, not my alarm clock. Unfortunately, I am the higher earner, so being a SAHW isn't ever going to happen for me.

I would worry for them. Mostly because if they never find work and suddenly find themselves going through a divorce in their middle age, they would find it incredibly difficult after 10+ years jobless to suddenly find work. What would they do and where would they go? It would be a shit predicament to be in. I always think women should strive to keep their own independence as much as possible to avoid a situation like that.

Thanks @scaryteacher I'm actually pretty clever and ambitious and had a very good job which I loved until cancer stripped away my energy and optimism. I get some judgey comments from folk who don't know my situation but I try not to care - they're lucky they've not (yet) been affected by bad health

"Being at home means I pick up the crap work while my husband’s career has gone stratospheric. I carry all the emotional load, the admin, the endless bureaucracy, 95% of the housework etc. It’s relentless, boring and lonely. I have no local friends and no social life here. I now take medication for anxiety and depression. "

Yes, the 50s housewives had mummy's little helper, valium, and I've heard that plenty of expat housewives drink too much from idleness and loneliness.

I criticise those women who attack people for prostitution - being disgusted and shocked, superior and moralistic - and horrible about it - and yet see nothing wrong, in fact see everything marvellously right, in being paid large sums in the form of a house, food and spending money on condition that they service the man who earns the money and lives in the house with them.

Always their choice. We are free to make our own trades in a relationship. We all have our own lives to lead in our own way.

Yes I am sometimes jealous of their money and freedom not to work but wouldn't choose that way to get it.

Maybe it’s a generational thing because I wouldn’t think it was weird for someone 50+ but I would think it odd today for a 30 yr old.

I don’t know anyone in these circumstances, I have one friend who is currently a SAHM as husband earns 7 figures but that’s because they are abroad at the moment & she fully intends to return to her career. Another friend is not returning after number 2 as it’s not cost effective however she is a teacher so will be able to find work again after a gap. Unless your a multi millionaire I don’t see how it’s affordable imo. For today’s 20/30 yrs olds the job market is a very different place & I prefer the security of keeping my toe in.

Also I enjoy working as do my friends & what qualifies as earning a salary you don’t need?

I'm a SAHP and my OH works away Mon-Fri. Haven't been employed in 10 years and have no intention of ever being a wage slave again.

Although looking after 9 horses, 7 dogs, 5 cats, 2 pigs, 2 goats and several hens seems to keep me occupied :)

The only actual real full time housewife I have ever known is my MIL - and sadly she is no advert for anything. A more selfish, lazy, pointless, unpleasant person is hard to image. Every other woman I know has done something outside the home on a paid or voluntary basis. To be purely a housewife long term is pretty rare these days, I think. Anyway, it is hard for me to be objective as the only one I know is vile.

Thinking on, my darling wee granny never worked outside the home after marriage, but she also never had an automatic washing machine, internet shopping, a car or any time saving luxuries. In fact, she never had any education or any choice. So very different times.

How hypocrital then, that here we all are on this thread with many people now criticising others who are exercising this freedom and choose to not work

I think there is an element of this but with a different angle.

As women we fought long and hard for equality in the workplace. To be able to work, to progress, to be treated the same as men. So I think as a gender there is a part of our physche, (check spelling) which looks back at women who chose domesticity and thinks,,"what? Why do you want that, we fought so hard to not have to do that shit".

Not working, be it a man or a woman, is something that needs to be agreed between the couple involved and no one should judge. But as a collective society, we will negatively judge either that man or that women who choses domesticity, to be financially paid for, and who choses not to financially support themselves as an adult. I don't think that will ever change.

As a society we expect adults, men and women, to financially support themselves now.

(Being an expat trailing spouse is quite different, (and usually there is no choice unless you split up) - and it is very hard indeed and extemely challenging. Ever tried to get a leak fixed in acountry where you understand neither the language nor the culture and no-one takes you seriously anyway!!)

Should have said I was a SAHM for 15 years, did various voluntary things as well. I now work part time, term time only although DH would be happy for me not to work but it builds up my state pension covers DDs university living costs.

I’m less busy now than I was as a SAHM as then I would do all the housework (not to mention the prostitution that I’d never noticed - perhaps THAT’S why I have full unrestricted access to DHs money) but now DH insists that he needs to do a lot “because you are out at work too now”.

I mainly work because I enjoy the sociability of it... once I was no longer needed at the school gate I missed that a bit.....

Well,here the rub and the mn hypocrisy
Man who doesn’t work,no kids ,no intention of working. He’d be pilloried deemed cocklodger
Woman doesn’t work,no kids,no intention of working. not pilloried

Those who are so dismissive of non working women, who the hell do you think it is the runs, fundraisers for and donates time to volunteer community organisations, Playgroup’s, senior lunch clubs, support groups, foodbanks, church groups, youth clubs, literacy groups etc etc etc.

I've done some of those things while being employed. I worked pt when DC were in primary school and now I work ft, but take AL to do some voluntary work and use TOIL.

My view on SAHW...those with no children is firstly that it's their choice... but I also feel kind of sad for them, as they are effectively fully financially dependent on someone else.

To me that kind of feels like being a child. You grow up in childhood dependant on your parents for food, shelter and clothing.

Then you get married and become dependant on a man for the same things.

I saw my DM working throughout my childhood and would personally see it as a waste of my education if I were a SAHW... just cleaning and gardening.

I don't see such a person as being a fully functioning adult. I also think you can end up being at the mercy of a man.

One thing I'll never forget as a child, was one of my DMs customers, who came crying one day because her DH called her a parasite. That's always stayed with me 30 + years later and I vowed that no man would ever be able to say that to me.

elportodelgato I have an autoimmune disease that wipes me out at times, so working a 60 hour week whilst doing all the school runs, keeping the house going and all on my tod as dh was serving abroad was exhausting. It was the driver in moving abroad, as I was stressed out of my skull with it all and it was better all round for me to leave work. It was a wrench as I wanted to go down the Advanced Skills route, but such is life.

I hope your optimism returns at some point, even if the energy is problematic and that your cancer is kept in check as long as it can be. You have my admiration.

“Well,here the rub and the mn hypocrisy
Man who doesn’t work,no kids ,no intention of working. He’d be pilloried deemed cocklodger
Woman doesn’t work,no kids,no intention of working. not pilloried”

No.
You aren’t paying attention.
Man who doesn’t work because he can’t be bothered and does fuck all around the house is a cocklodger.
This is very different to a partner who runs the house, cooks, cleans and organises stuff at mutual consent of both partners.

You can always interpret things in unsympathetic way if you choose to and decide to be judgmental.

Conversely, you can choose to realise that there are often reasons for things that you’re not privy to and that it’s none of your business anyway.

The OP reads as a tranapoattempt to goad.

Transparent attempt ^

We fought so hard to not have to do that shit
Exactly. We fought hard to not have to do something when we wanted to do something else.

We fought for the right to choose.

Incidentally, my take on the meaning of 'cocklodger' is someone who avails themselves of home comforts but who does sod all to contribute.

There are people who fit in to this category that are the total opposite of lazy. Wife of a vicar comes to mind. That's effectively an unpaid and very demanding job.

@NotSureThisIsWhatIWant one of your main issues is you couldn't work and neither had anything you could do as a volunteer. In the UK lots of charities, schools, local councils and even the justice system rely on people who volunteer.

I remember one of my friends' had a mother who was a SAHM and once her children were teenagers she was bored. However her husband didn't want her working as, as far as he was concerned her role was to support him in his career. In the end she got involved in lots of voluntary activities so this ended up being her job. So if you asked her what she did it would be something like "I run x charity shop" and she was proud that she was contributing to society.

However I have a neighbour who does SFA. She has no children or grandchildren, and doesn't volunteer for anything. I'm surprised she doesn't go mad.

and I've heard that plenty of expat housewives drink too much from idleness and loneliness. Yes, I have to bulk buy the bags of red label tea bags from Sainsbury when I'm home and bring it back for my drinking sessions when I'm idle and lonely, or just having one of many mugs of tea during the day.

The people blaming being a sahm/sahw for loneliness and boredom should dig a bit deeper to find an excuse. I am never bored. Never lonely (unless I want to be, and even then i have to schedule it in). There is a world out there that guess what, doesn't involve being a paid slave working to make other people get richer... I do take care of dogs for money I should add. But I love It!

The OP made it clear that mothers, carers and disabled/ ill women were not included in the question.

I think SAHW and SAHM are very vulnerable in the event of a marriage breakdown or bereavement. I would feel incredibly insecure if I had no means of supporting myself other than depending on the goodwill of my DH. I was a SAHM for 3 years when my two daughters were babies then returned part time, then full time then part time again before early retirement.

I think I would wonder what SAHW do all day when I was working but having taken early retirement it is probably not a great deal different to me. Lunches and coffees out with DH or friends or family, babysitting DGC or spa sessions at our local gym/pool. If they can afford it and don't mind depending on their partner financially then no ones business but theirs.

Nor are those who volunteer without whom society would really fall apart, (no CAB, no charity shops, no "Friends of the Hospitals", school trips etc)