To be concerned about stepdad & nephew?

[Hendrix1]

I post a lot on MN but Ive created a new username for this one as it’s sensitive.

I’ve been living with my mum & step dad for a year whilst house searching. They’ve been married 2 years, together for 4.
My brother and his wife have a 2 year old boy and are expecting another.
I must admit I’ve never been entirely keen on my stepdad (there’s always been something “off” about him in my opinion) and maybe I’m being biased which is why I’m interested in others opinions on this.

AIBU to be concerned about stepdad & nephews relationship?
Things I’ve noticed which might be ok by themselves but all together??:

1. whenever nephew stays over stepdad always volunteers for activities where nephew is naked (bath, nappy change)
2. I’ve noticed he always kisses my nephew hello & goodbye on the lips (no one else does) he holds nephews face so it always goes on the lips
3. He engages in a lot of rough & tumble with nephew, including blowing raspberries on his tummy. He seems to nuzzle his face in nephews downstairs area sometimes during these sessions
4. He often sits with nephew on his lap and talks very quietly to him (so no one else can hear what he’s saying). I’ve tried to listen in a few times and he’s been saying things like “I love you so much” “give ‘Keith’ kisses” “‘’Keith’ will look after you” (changed names!)
5. Whenever he holds my nephew he strokes his bare skin with his fingers a lot

I’ve told my sister-in-law and she said she’s noticed one or two of these things but just
thought he really loves my nephew. She’s now on the watch out for anything else too.

I just wanted to say thankyou for all your comments and kind words.
I’m so sorry for those of you who have been the victims or relatives of victims of grooming and/or abuse. I hope I haven’t triggered anyone by posting on here.
We have had a response back from one of step kids saying they don’t have much contact, were never very close but have never had any worries about stepdad.
NSPCC friend was very useful and advised my nephew has no unsupervised contact until more is known, and have given us lots of information on grooming so we can read up to understand more.
Whatever the result, even if this is all innocent by someone who doesn’t know about how to interact with kids, I think it’s better to be safe than sorry

Whatever the result, even if this is all innocent by someone who doesn’t know about how to interact with kids, I think it’s better to be safe than sorry

Unless you're Keith of course .

You've set the ball rolling, ably assisted by faceless posters, told BIL and SIL their baby sitter is unappropriated and emailed his previous family for opinions on his behaviour.

So if Keith is ""guilty"" (of what exactly, has a crime been identified yet?" will you go to the police? And if Keith isn't guilty how are you going to repair the damage done by heavily hinting he's a paedophile with a specific predilection for little boys?

So far, this thread has your mum married to an old perv, who you freely admit you don't like, your DB is wanting to go round and kick his head in. They clearly are not going to have any child care from your mum and Keith regardless because if I'd been called a paedo, unfounded, no amount of apologies would make me go anywhere near a kid ever again.

So whilst I sincerely hope you are wrong in your assumptions for the childs sake, what happens to Keith, if this is unfounded on your part and you've set off all these malicious allegations and rumours?

This is why I said it best dealt with by the authorities, not vigilantism. Very lucky you remembered a friend who works for the NSPCC on hand to give advice. I hope he told you not to gossip in case you are (a) wrong (b) alert the person so they can moderate their behaviour/destroy evidence..

Wind your neck in Newyear what was OP supposed to do, watch and wait and wring her hands until it was potentially too late? Sounds like it has been dealt with sensitively enough. Fuck Keith’s feelings he sounds like a bit of a weirdo at the very least.

@NewYearMe18
I’d understand what you’re saying about vigilantism if we had all gone over there today and immediately accused him of some sort of abuse. But we haven’t. No one has said anything to him or my mum and we haven’t decided what we’re going to do in that respect yet.
I saw something concerning and told the parents, again is this not surely the right thing to do?
When contacting his stepkids we didn’t say exactly what we were worried about as we didn’t want to put words in their mouth or let anything get back to him - again to try and protect everyone here.
Surely if we’d gone to the authorities the impact would be even worse in the case that this is all innocent?
Although I don’t like the man I don’t wish this outcome at all, it would be devastating

Is it Sarahs Law you can seek info under? Id do that in the interim.

NewYear I think you're being incredibly unfair and you sound about 100 times MORE hysterical than Hendrix, who is handling this perfectly soberly and carefully. Hendrix my advice would be take no notice of NewYear - everyone else on this thread is behind you, and we're not 'thick cunts'.

Good lord. Wind your neck in @NewYearNewMe18

NewYearNewMe18
Was there any need for that? This subject seems to have touched a nerve for you.

Good God NewYear you sound quite unhinged.

I suggest you actually read the situations that OP has outlined. The actual things she has observed. These are the things that have 'set the ball rolling'. Actual things happening, actual behaviour. Not some 'oooh I've never liked him! He looks at you all funny like.'

There is no way on earth a responsible adult would in good conscience ignore those red flags.

I've noticed that NewYear often posts those types of responses, whatever thread they're on. I just ignore them now.

Yes newyear seems to enjoy simply being contrary.

As for "what crime?" - grooming, csa (depending if molestation has already occurred which we hope not but don't know).

Op has thus far handled a very difficult situation spot on in my opinion.

It sounds all wrong. Please keep him away!

Yay New Year
I was sexually abused by a relative - when I was a child

Should I a} ignore
b} lie
c} tell the truth ?

And when I spoke up what do you think happened next ?
So my abuser was
a} jailed
b} given probation
c} nothing ?
For anyone that gives a shit
it was C and c
my parents chose not to believe me
I did not lie

Sorry to hear that, Redshoe. An all too common story, sadly :(

@Hendrix1 - you're definitely doing the right thing
@NewYearNewMe18 - this is just normal investigating behaviour, it should absolutely be done - if nothing else perhaps it'll stop the inappropriate way he's treating a child intentional or otherwise
There are far more abusers than Keith's out there - children need support and this type of behaviour is unacceptable

www.nspcc.org.uk/services-and-resources/research-and-resources/factsheet-and-briefings/child-sex-offender-disclosure-scheme/

Have your brother and SIL see if Sarah's Law is an option in your area.

@NewYearNewMe18
What would you do then?
Ignore it? How would you then feel if it turned out to be abuse and you'd ignored it and left an innocent child to be harmed?

@Hendrix1
You have 100% without a doubt done the right thing, I would absolutely want to know if anyone was worried about anything to do with my dc!

Totally. No one has accused him, they are suspicious (and right so from what OP has described). OP has handled it quickly (correct thing to do), carefully (correct thing to do), and taken a range of advice from a range of sources (correct thing to do).

If more people acted at the suspicion stage a lot less children would be harmed and given a lifelong sentence because of it, that you can only understand if you've suffered sexual abuse (or been the partner of someone who has suffered sexual abuse).

As to vigilantism, I feel it occurs when society feels that the police and judicial system aren't treating paedophiles in the correct way - what's left? Handle it yourself. I do not agree with going round and battering people who you suspect might be and these are often the cases where the person being picked on is entirely innocent of what they're accused of (and highly likely it's just being used as an excuse to pound on someone). But the paedophile hunters are only doing what the US police routinely do - they set out actively to try and catch paedo's. Good on 'em. We don't do that here in fact we ignore, bury or poorly investigate or don't investigate at all clear, patent, guaranteed sexual abuse and rape and sodomy of children or when we do get these people into court, they're given suspended sentences which enable them to progress on to contact offences or simply keep repeating their current behaviour - so more children get harmed and more severely. That our police are doing naff all about it in many cases and the courts let them remain in society is an outrage. That so many people on the street are so casually accepting of what they might view as 'low level' abuse (as though that's not damaging) or so ready to give someone 'the benefit of the doubt' - there should be zero doubt where children are concerned. If the person proves to be ok then great, but to go at it from the other way round, some crazy experiment on a child and their whole future, no, never.

I applaud OP for handling this how it's been handled and no one can level any criticism at all (who is of sound mind, and puts children first).

Very lucky you remembered a friend who works for the NSPCC on hand to give advice.
Whatever Hendrix whatever. You have you convenient NSPCC friend on hand. this is a very nasty implication here NewYear. If you have doubts, report. If not, don't be so snidey.

How are things OP

Definitely look into Sarah's law OP.

@Hendrix1 how are things?