To be concerned about stepdad & nephew?

[Hendrix1]

I post a lot on MN but Ive created a new username for this one as it’s sensitive.

I’ve been living with my mum & step dad for a year whilst house searching. They’ve been married 2 years, together for 4.
My brother and his wife have a 2 year old boy and are expecting another.
I must admit I’ve never been entirely keen on my stepdad (there’s always been something “off” about him in my opinion) and maybe I’m being biased which is why I’m interested in others opinions on this.

AIBU to be concerned about stepdad & nephews relationship?
Things I’ve noticed which might be ok by themselves but all together??:

1. whenever nephew stays over stepdad always volunteers for activities where nephew is naked (bath, nappy change)
2. I’ve noticed he always kisses my nephew hello & goodbye on the lips (no one else does) he holds nephews face so it always goes on the lips
3. He engages in a lot of rough & tumble with nephew, including blowing raspberries on his tummy. He seems to nuzzle his face in nephews downstairs area sometimes during these sessions
4. He often sits with nephew on his lap and talks very quietly to him (so no one else can hear what he’s saying). I’ve tried to listen in a few times and he’s been saying things like “I love you so much” “give ‘Keith’ kisses” “‘’Keith’ will look after you” (changed names!)
5. Whenever he holds my nephew he strokes his bare skin with his fingers a lot

I’ve told my sister-in-law and she said she’s noticed one or two of these things but just
thought he really loves my nephew. She’s now on the watch out for anything else too.

It could well be that he enjoys watching his nephew growing up, but he has overstepped the mark so many times.

Not even a parent would necessarily do those so called 'loving' things with their child.

I would hit the roof if my father kissed my child on the lips, if anyone did, it is simply not right and the fact he holds the child's face to force it is even worse.

The rough and tumble is normal, but not being near a child's private areas. All of this is completely wrong, and he knows it is too.

I agree with Hendrix prepare for the mother of all showdowns, but don't be put off, the child must be protected whatever happens.

The kissing on the lips is just not right at all, nor is the nappy changing. Most men that are not the babies father run a mile at that point.

This. Totally. I really hope it all turns out okay.

@Hendrix1 I'm not trying to minimise anything, but it seems to me like he just doesn't know how much is too much.

Both my brothers kiss my DD on the lips and have done since she was little. DD always gives hugs and kisses to all our family (unprompted) because we are loving and affectionate. I know both of my brothers love my DD to bits (one is a dad himself, the other chooses to remain childless). So to me, I wouldn't automatically jump to the conclusion that your step-dad has sinister motives, maybe he's just showing affection in a way he thinks is ok, but is being perceived by others to be creepy.

I'm at a loss as to how you would actually bring this up with him though, sorry I'm not more helpful

I kiss my DS on the lips if he tries to but if he tries to kiss my Dad on the lips my Dad ducks at 100mph so he gets his forehead. Quite funny to watch.

This is a boundary crossed by your stepdad. At the very least he needs to know that this is NOT okay.

I found that chilling, OP.

I'd be guided by your SIL and probably speak to your brother in a gentle way, just pointing out that his behaviour is inappropriate and that you're concerned about him being alone with your nephew.

And never, ever leave them alone together.

This is setting off alarm bells. Please please speak to your SIL again and keep him away now.

Op I also must say that whatever the reaction might happens to be now, will be nothing compared to the fall out later if this is left to continue.

Thank goodness you are there, what is your mother doing whilst this is happening? Is she turning a blind eye or always out of the room? She is going to feel pretty horrendous when this news breaks (unless she is complicit and then you have an even bigger problem) so it might be worth being prepared and remaining calm but firm.

I'd def be wary - abuse can and does happen in plain sight. The nuzzling, the sitting on lap and whispering, all sound really off to me. I'd hate it if it was my child.

As you live there, is there a way you could covertly film him with your nephew, so that your brother and SIL can see how strange his behaviour is when they’re not around?

FooFighter99 Do your brothers also nestle their faces near your dd's private parts, hold your dd's face forcing a kiss on the lips and rush to be involved with nappy changing and baths?

I didn't think so.

I am assuming you would never allow this to happen to your dd, so really should not be minimising.

I occasionally kiss my youngest on the lips too, but letting other men in the family kiss her like that is not something I would encourage. I prefer my children to have a few boundaries for their own protection.

TELL YOUR BIL. Lots of people on MN like to minimize child sexual abuse so even this many people agreeing on MN means this is a huge issue. In a few posts the apologists will arrive, someone will probably bring up autism and the whole thing will be derailed.

Please tell your BIL. Your nephew is being groomed. Text him right now so you don't chicken out.

Just another voice to say hand this over to the parents. They both need to know.

You've already talked to your SIL, time to tell your brother too.

It's their child - frankly how your brother handles this isn't your responsibility. I'm glad to hear he's more likely to over-react than under react to be honest. (If it has to be one or the other.)

This makes me feel sick too because it happened to me when I was younger and it's only in recent years I released what it really was. Being sat on someones lap and stroked.

Please don't let your nephew be alone with him anymore. If it was my child I would 100% say something to your step dad if it happened again in a passive aggressive I know what you're doing sort of way. It'll be difficult to breach this with your mum IMHO as I she may not see or what to see it. I haven't told any of my family what happened to me as my abuser died a while ago.

Realised not released

My DS is just a little younger than your nephew. Just adding my voice to the many saying this isn’t ok. I think your brother needs to find alternative childcare- this man shouldn’t ever be alone with your DS.

Nephew even, not DS!

kissing on the lips is fairly normal in my mums side of the family - no abuse as far as i know, and completely out of the question in my dps family. I dont think thats a massive deal by itself, its just everything together seems a bit of a worry and certainly something id keep an eye on

Something other posters seem to have missed (easily done) but you say stay over.

Is nephew alone in a bedroom at night at your step dads? If so that needs stopped NOW!

I'm also a survivor, people who haven't been through csa are (generally) only relatively recently/starting to learn how these creeps work and that they don't go from 0-100mph they build up slowly.

Build up the parents' trust in them, the child's. Push the boundaries just a bit further each time.

I wouldn't want ANY child anywhere near this guy.

Trusting our instincts is very rarely wrong as usually they're not unsubstantiated but our brains interpreting body language and other cues.

The parents, both of them need to know.

I too while not condoning violence prefer over to under reacting in this type of scenario.

And as a pp said abuse can and does occur right under the noses of other supervising adults.

@summer
My mum has been in the room during many of these times and she was there at the time I thought I saw the nuzzle near nephews private parts. To be fair she did seem to go over quite quickly and take my nephew to play outside.. I tried to ask her why she did that later on and she just brushed it off. I hope that if she did have any real fears she’d be backing me up!

This does sound like grooming. While I wouldn't want your nephew anywhere near your step dad, can you put one of those cameras in the room to film, just in case? Ideally they won't be left alone, but if he is abusing your nephew, he'll be clever. They always are.

@graphista
Yep he is alone in the spare room at night
I’m an early riser so I normally get him up in the morning.

I would suggest your DB and SIL request a child abuse check on him. If he is being left to care for your nephew they are well within their rights to ask the police to disclose.

I agree with acorn, can they do a check on him? Your mum has only known him for 4 years...he could have a history of this? And also, if your gut told you it was wrong then it most likely is...please talk to your brother..

@acorns
A child abuse check? Is that like a check of his police record?

www.gov.uk/guidance/find-out-if-a-person-has-a-record-for-child-sexual-offences