To be concerned about stepdad & nephew?

[Hendrix1]

I post a lot on MN but Ive created a new username for this one as it’s sensitive.

I’ve been living with my mum & step dad for a year whilst house searching. They’ve been married 2 years, together for 4.
My brother and his wife have a 2 year old boy and are expecting another.
I must admit I’ve never been entirely keen on my stepdad (there’s always been something “off” about him in my opinion) and maybe I’m being biased which is why I’m interested in others opinions on this.

AIBU to be concerned about stepdad & nephews relationship?
Things I’ve noticed which might be ok by themselves but all together??:

1. whenever nephew stays over stepdad always volunteers for activities where nephew is naked (bath, nappy change)
2. I’ve noticed he always kisses my nephew hello & goodbye on the lips (no one else does) he holds nephews face so it always goes on the lips
3. He engages in a lot of rough & tumble with nephew, including blowing raspberries on his tummy. He seems to nuzzle his face in nephews downstairs area sometimes during these sessions
4. He often sits with nephew on his lap and talks very quietly to him (so no one else can hear what he’s saying). I’ve tried to listen in a few times and he’s been saying things like “I love you so much” “give ‘Keith’ kisses” “‘’Keith’ will look after you” (changed names!)
5. Whenever he holds my nephew he strokes his bare skin with his fingers a lot

I’ve told my sister-in-law and she said she’s noticed one or two of these things but just
thought he really loves my nephew. She’s now on the watch out for anything else too.

@minniemummy0 not necessarily, no. DS will announce he's going to kiss me on the lips, then grab my face and do it. Pretty sure he's done the same to my DM.

I remember when I was little I used to do pretty much the same.

In both those cases though it's not an adult forcing it on the child. That's one of the issues here, and that combined with everything else does look very suspicious and I would not leave my son with this man.

You're there, so you are seeing what you are seeing. But, except for kissing on the lips, i do all that with my Grandchildren. The nappy/bath thing, I thought I was helping. I did baby massage with my children and my DD did it with hers, so we have always been tactile.

Do you think that your mum would excuse child abuse, of her own Grandchild? It's been suggested that she is minimising it, to save her marriage.

I'm not minimising it. But it needs bringing out into the open and you, DB/SIl and your Mum need to talk about this. This will end her marriage and if it gets out, may need her to move, no-one will tolerate a 'Nonce' living in their street.

I'm not saying brush it under the carpet, that your Mum should stay with him etc. Just have a realistic plan about where to go with this and what the ramifications will be.

I think you're right to be concerned OP. And for me, gut instincts should be listened too. Keep an eye and limit this interation - or call a halt entirely. Maybe it is entirely innocent, but for me, more likely not.

"Do you think that your mum would excuse child abuse, of her own Grandchild?" Extremely common for the partners of abusers to deny/minimise. My mum doesn't believe me re my fathers abuse - even with her own siblings backing me up. I know a fair few other survivors with similar or even worse experiences.

Well done and thank you for telling your brother and sil.

Your nephew being alone in a bedroom in the same house as this guy when people are sleeping really concerns me. Makes him very vulnerable.

I'd be uncomfortable with that behaviour, can you have their child in your room perhaps when he stays over? Or you go to their house and sleep there if they're away without their child?

Now that they know, they need to plan on not leaving their child in the case of your mum and SD again. If they persist in leaving him with them you are going to have to take the stop of contacting the NSPCC.

A question - have any of you ever contacted the former step children? Does he have any contact with them now?
Do any of them have children?

...have a realistic plan about where to go with this and what the ramifications will be.

YYY to this.

If it is ignored then you will have to make some decisions. You may have to call SS to intervene.

i agree that gut instincts can be valuable, but even without that, the LIST of things you've listed is worrying. Each one by themselves, not so much (apart from the nuzzling near the boy's privates) but the list in its entirety - yuk.
I have 2 boys and I wouldn't have felt comfortable with some of that from their own father, let alone a random non-relative (Ok he's your stepdad but you know what I mean)
I'm glad you've spoken to your brother and SIL and I hope that things can be worked out so the boy isn't left alone with your stepdad, with or without your mother (as she's already showing a level of reluctance to face the potential of risk), at least for now.

Where you all go from here is another matter.

@Hendrix1 I think you're both brave and wise to address this.
I don't have direct experience of this but it appears that much of the time inappropriate behaviour is dismissed from a combination of it not being totally overt and the witness doubting themselves because all of us in reality thinks "no way not that person" don't we? However I think it's probably better to bring it up and possibly cause embarrassment if you're off the mark and overreacting, as opposed to ignoring that gut feeling and under reacting.
I don't know if any of your examples taken in isolation are concerning but together and with the fact you're there witnessing it multiple times and not just a once off and that it gives you a bad gut feeling certainly legitimizes the need to address it. Also maybe this is irrelevant but this man is also not family and hasn't been around for a long period - this intense involvement would also make me very uncomfortable in that situation.

@minniemummy0 Do you really all think kissing on the lips is abusive? I mean in terms of the OP it is part of a wider picture that makes alarm bells ring, but on its own?

No I don't think so. I kiss my dc on the lips and I think dh does too I've never noticed tbh. If my Mum or dad or MIL kissed my kids on the lips (they may do so I honestly have never noticed!) I wouldn't think it was odd at all.
This is part of a wider group of actions however and from a non family member to boot .
And the fact that I don't even notice if my family kisses on the lips or not suggests that for the OP it is noticed because she's already on alert
For what it's worth I wouldn't like a non family member kissing my kids on the lips and my step father in law did not do so

OP I was wondering as you mentioned he has previous step kids - does he have any relationship with them? If not do you know why?

Also this re your mum really stood out My mum has been in the room during many of these times and she was there at the time I thought I saw the nuzzle near nephews private parts. To be fair she did seem to go over quite quickly and take my nephew to play
Honestly I think she senses this as well but who on earth would want to actually face up to this? It is far far easier to "manage" it and bustle around . Because if it's true then she will lose her marriage and her old age future and also possibly her relationship with her grandchildren and children due to being seen as untrustworthy. I feel sorry for her actually. Who on earth would easily accept their partner was a predator ? It seems so far fetched in some ways that it would be hard to even believe it were true .
For what it is worth a few years ago I found my neighbors son (8 or 9) lying on top of my toddler son and French kissing him. My mind was so blown my immediate reaction was to bustle them along in a v British way. That's what it sounds like she did to me

Graphista my mum still says she didn't know.

Without going into details, I was told by a child protection officer that some predators are adept at molesting even when adults are in the same room. Up until hearing that I presumed that being in the same place as your children would keep them safe, this is not the case.

Glad you've told them op. Sorry you're in this position.

Yes as the poster 2 above says I don't think you can keep your nephew safe by making sure you don't leave him alone with your step dad because even when other people are there he's attempting to successfully groom him and if he has abused him already these things could be retraumatising.

You did the right thing op. Now they will probably begin to see things for them self. It's always horrible when you fear a family or friend is doing this but the child needs to be protected.

Please keep us updated. I'm really worried about your nephew.

I'd be interested in the update to this story.

Although I have to say this is a set of circumstances I would have asked the NSPCC for advice rather than listening to a lot of anecdotal stories from strangers on the web.

These things should be handled by the authorities because it is likely IF you are wrong OP, you've just blown your family apart - and it will all come back and sit on your shoulders as the shit stirrer who never liked Keith and they will turn on you Keith isn't going to forgive being called a paedophile by his step daughter. Your mother is also unlikely to forgive and forget. And your SIL is going to be might missed off at the probable withdrawal of childcare.

The OP has still done the right thing telling her nephews parents. Now they can get advice from the NSPCC. I'm sure they weren't planning on barging into their parents house yelling paedophile.

This is grooming, or at the very least a forest of red flags. I’m glad they heard you out but I would prepare for epic fallout. Possibly especially from your mum, who sounds like she was clearly uncomfortable with his behaviour but brushed it off. It’s so hard, you can’t imagine why someone would choose to ignore it but there you go.

NewYearNewMe18 Op has posted on here to check out if she was unreasonable to suspect him, there is a very clear answer to that question, she can now contact different agencies for advice knowing there are hundreds of people on here that support her.

This situation can be handled with sensitivity, there is no reason for it to 'blow the family' apart.

The first thing they can do without saying a word is remove the child permanently from his care. This will not blow the family apart.

No need to call Keith names, just be watchful of his future behaviour around other children. The mother is unlikely to know anything about it if this is handled properly (unless of course she suspects him as well, and then it is her choice what she does with that information)

Op do not be frightened into keeping quiet by posts that clearly do NOT have the child's best interests at heart.

Whatever the fall out, however it pans out, you must do the right thing and protect the child as you have already by telling his parents.

..I think your statement that SIL could be “miffed at probable withdrawal of childcare” is an odd one NewYear.

Personally, I feel Hendrix did absolutely the right thing by immediately speaking to DB and SIL regarding her concerns, and ensuring forthwith that DN is no longer ever left in the care of SD. Going straight to the authorities as you suggested would not have been my first course of action in this situation for myriad of reasons.
In the interim Hendrix asked for honest ‘opinions’ here - and her fears were validated.

I have huge admiration for Hendrix as this is a very difficult, and delicate concern to raise within your own family

hendrix your nephew is a lucky boy to have you watching out for him

Well done Hendrix. It can't have been easy.

SIL could be miffed at probable withdrawal of childcare - from a potential danger to her child? Yes maybe OP should stay quiet so that SIL can get on with unknowingly handing her child over to someone who may not be entirely trustworthy?

NewYear Sometimes you just need to talk it through with someone, to make sure you're not worrying over nothing, before acting.