To be concerned about stepdad & nephew?

[Hendrix1]

I post a lot on MN but Ive created a new username for this one as it’s sensitive.

I’ve been living with my mum & step dad for a year whilst house searching. They’ve been married 2 years, together for 4.
My brother and his wife have a 2 year old boy and are expecting another.
I must admit I’ve never been entirely keen on my stepdad (there’s always been something “off” about him in my opinion) and maybe I’m being biased which is why I’m interested in others opinions on this.

AIBU to be concerned about stepdad & nephews relationship?
Things I’ve noticed which might be ok by themselves but all together??:

1. whenever nephew stays over stepdad always volunteers for activities where nephew is naked (bath, nappy change)
2. I’ve noticed he always kisses my nephew hello & goodbye on the lips (no one else does) he holds nephews face so it always goes on the lips
3. He engages in a lot of rough & tumble with nephew, including blowing raspberries on his tummy. He seems to nuzzle his face in nephews downstairs area sometimes during these sessions
4. He often sits with nephew on his lap and talks very quietly to him (so no one else can hear what he’s saying). I’ve tried to listen in a few times and he’s been saying things like “I love you so much” “give ‘Keith’ kisses” “‘’Keith’ will look after you” (changed names!)
5. Whenever he holds my nephew he strokes his bare skin with his fingers a lot

I’ve told my sister-in-law and she said she’s noticed one or two of these things but just
thought he really loves my nephew. She’s now on the watch out for anything else too.

I'll ask again - does your stepfather have any children/grandchildren of his own ?
If he has no experience of being around babies he may never have learned that some of what he's doing is not really approppriate.

Conference OP has already stated that her stepdad has no children of his own. Stepchildren from a previous marriage, but they were teenagers/adults when he met them.

I'm sure they weren't planning on barging into their parents house yelling paedophile.

You say that but on this thread it's been decided that he is. That might be true, but it's a fair point to make that it might turn out not to be. When people make up their mind about something they don't say things like "it might be grooming" or "he could be a paedophile" they declare "it is grooming" and "he is a predator" and if that turns out not to be the case the OP might take a lot of flack if she's gone about this in a way that can be construed as shit stirring (I'm not saying she is).

@ConferencePear I'm pretty sure a lot of it is common sense, you don't need to have had experience around babies/children to know that there are things you don't do.

PerfectlySymmetrical - sorry I had missed that.

NoodleKY I agree that a lot of it is common sense and like the OP I would be worried. The thought just occurred to me that he might be trying to be a 'super' grandpa and, however inappropriately, thinks this is the way to do it.
I hope the OP will check the offenders register.

Could you ask to borrow his phone and check his phone to see if he has any inappropriate pictures of the nephew on there? I would try to check internet history too.

I would definitely encourage you to talk to your brother and SIL about requesting a records check via the sexual offences disclosure scheme. You may also be able to do it yourself if you are living with him (not sure how old you are, may only be able to do it on your own behalf if you are under a certain age but I’m not sure). But as his parents your db and SIL can definitely do it on behalf of your nephew.

It likely will turn up nothing (most sexual offenders are never convicted) and obviously shouldn’t be taken as the green light that he doesn’t pose a risk if it is. But it is something I would want to know. And that information may be the nudge everyone needs to take things seriously if it god forbid does turn up anything.

Someone asked about his relationship with his other stepchildren. Do you know? That would be key. My dh’s stepfather (recently married, my dh didn’t know him growing up) comes across as a nice old man, but equally he’s always given me a weird feeling too. He has no relationship with his extended family though nor with his daughter or her children. He also has no friends. It came out about 2 years ago because we asked if we could stay over with them with our dc at Christmas time (previously mil has never allowed us to stay over with our children- I thought they just didn’t like me!) that step-FIL has a history of sexual offences against a child in his family (a niece who he groomed, though obviously his daughter has nothing to do with him either so that’s suspect too). He served time in prison for it. Other than just the odd feeling I had about him if my dh hadn’t forced the information out of MIL we never would have known and our dd would have been at risk as she certainly would have eventually had unsupervised contact with him as she got older (was 3 at the time so only really had supervised contact with either of them as they don’t live nearby). You really never know. But trust your gut, don’t let people minimise and make you doubt yourself. It was a hellish few years for us as there was a lot of anger directed at us for dredging up him past and not keeping our mouths shut. But our children have been kept safe and in time everyone has accepted we did the right thing and are grateful for us bringing it all to light and things are much better now (he’s had no contact since though mil has some supervised contact with our dc now).

Hang in there.

Thanks everyone I have been reading through all the posts. Currently looking after my nephew now - he’s such a cutie and like all toddlers so trusting at this age - I’d hate to think of anything like this happening to him.
My bro & SIL have gone to get some advice from a friend who works for the NSPCC on what best to do next.
Thanks for the suggestion of contacting his stepkids from his first marriage - my bro emailed them this morning (they all live in France now) so we’ll perhaps get a bit more information there.
My mum was a bit put out today that I went to their house instead but I managed to make some excuse that I needed to be in the area. Not sure how we’re going to deal with that in the future though.... she’s gonna cotton on that something is wrong!
I’ve just got the feeling that bro & SIL are going to have to explain to her the real reason why... None of us want to have to worry when friends or my cousins kids are visiting for example.

Mindutopia - I suppose at least your MIL was trying to keep your DC safe by ensuring you didn't have your children there overnight - although why she would have gone on to marry him, knowing that about him, astounds me! I never never never understand women who stay with child abusers, what the fuck is wrong with them?!

Could you ask to borrow his phone and check his phone to see if he has any inappropriate pictures of the nephew on there? I would try to check internet history too. - really? He might be a paedophile, (or not!) but he is entitled to his own privacy - his phone is his business. Unless you are the Police, and even then I think they'd need a warrant to search his internet history/phone. FFS.

If he has no experience of being around babies he may never have learned that some of what he's doing is not really approppriate This was exactly what my mother said to me about her Catholic priest who would come round and stroke my legs, put his arm around me and flick my bra strap. Oh he's just being friendly. Sure. Not having kids doesn't mean not knowing how to behave around them. The OP is managing not to, after all.

Sounds to me like he's trying to be involved? As he has no kids of his own, maybe he really loves playing grandad?

"Sounds to me like he's trying to be involved? As he has no kids of his own, maybe he really loves playing grandad?"

That's fine, but nuzzling the kids crotch?

Exactly Binary. That, in particular, makes my skin crawl.

Any one of these incidents you've mentioned could be completely innocent - for instance in our family we all kids on the mouth, my sons seem to be virtually naked 24/7 and roughhousing with their uncles, cousins and granddads are normal behaviour. Several crotches have been kneed and raspberries blown.

What raises flags for me is your perception, OP. You're the one watching this, sensing the undercurrents and able to make judgement calls, so you're best placed to sense if there's something untoward going on. Trust your instincts if you have ANY doubts, your nephew's welfare is far more important than keeping the peace.

Like others, I speak as someone who has experienced this first hand and I wish someone had noticed and spoken up for me.

Slarti
Even if it isn't the case, the way this man is behaving is inappropriate and is making other people feel uncomfortable and edgey. Thankfully they haven't done this and are seeking advice from professionals. If they are wrong they run the risk of a lot of upset in the family and probably the breakdown of relationships but if they are right they have probably just save their child from being the victim of abuse. I know which one I would prefer.

**And your SIL is going to be might missed off at the probable withdrawal of childcare.

This is an odd thing to say!

You've done the right thing op.

Good luck op and please keep us updated.

Woah just read the whole thread. Well done Hendrix - what a horrible and difficult situation to be in. You have totally done the right thing.

Your family is going to be having some very awkward discussions in the future. Let us know what you hear back from his ex-step children.