To be concerned about stepdad & nephew?

[Hendrix1]

I post a lot on MN but Ive created a new username for this one as it’s sensitive.

I’ve been living with my mum & step dad for a year whilst house searching. They’ve been married 2 years, together for 4.
My brother and his wife have a 2 year old boy and are expecting another.
I must admit I’ve never been entirely keen on my stepdad (there’s always been something “off” about him in my opinion) and maybe I’m being biased which is why I’m interested in others opinions on this.

AIBU to be concerned about stepdad & nephews relationship?
Things I’ve noticed which might be ok by themselves but all together??:

1. whenever nephew stays over stepdad always volunteers for activities where nephew is naked (bath, nappy change)
2. I’ve noticed he always kisses my nephew hello & goodbye on the lips (no one else does) he holds nephews face so it always goes on the lips
3. He engages in a lot of rough & tumble with nephew, including blowing raspberries on his tummy. He seems to nuzzle his face in nephews downstairs area sometimes during these sessions
4. He often sits with nephew on his lap and talks very quietly to him (so no one else can hear what he’s saying). I’ve tried to listen in a few times and he’s been saying things like “I love you so much” “give ‘Keith’ kisses” “‘’Keith’ will look after you” (changed names!)
5. Whenever he holds my nephew he strokes his bare skin with his fingers a lot

I’ve told my sister-in-law and she said she’s noticed one or two of these things but just
thought he really loves my nephew. She’s now on the watch out for anything else too.

Keep a very close eye, or actually to be safe if I were your sil I wouldn't have my son around him. This sounds exactly like what a family member used to do to me and my siblings, he went on to abuse my sibling

@Hendrix1 remember your mother's marriage is at stake hence the brush off.

If you think it is wrong then it likely is regardless of those who are minimising young children kissing others who aren't their immediate family on the lips. (I've had young children do this to me unprompted - my instinct is yuck.)

Checking someone to see if they have a police record of child abuse is only finding out if they have been caught. The worse cases in the news are frequently those who haven't been caught by the police.

Agreed @bluebugs. But I would still be doing the check.

I agree with lots of pp - your SD is grooming your nephew.
Please speak to your DB and SIL urgently...stay calm, and say you’ve observed this behaviour over a period of time. Hopefully, they’ll take action and keep the child away from SD - but if not you must be prepared to act - ensure he’s not left alone with the child - ever.

...as pp said, many paedophiles have never been caught and stay under the radar for years, often for ever

He seems to nuzzle his face in nephews downstairs area sometimes

You need to be explicit about the area here op.

@headinhands. She really doesn’t on an Internet forum. The implication is enough and that she feels uncomfortable. Graphic details are really not needed. We are not the police.

....agree with acorn OP - there’s absolutely no need to be any more specific here.
The implication is enough

Apart from number 2 (My family are kisses on lips types - though not holding children's faces so they are forced to ) the rest of what you have listed would instantly make me sense something wasn't right and yes I would talk to them asap and voice my concerns.

Massive alarm bells. As for checking his records, fine, but do not forget that many people haven’t got caught, so don’t assume it’s fine if it’s clear. Personally I’d speak to the police and see if they can “have a word” and never never leave him alone with your nephew. Obviously the nappy changing and baths have to stop immediately.

@headinhands
Just to clarify nephew wasn’t naked when I’ve seen that... if he was I’d have scooped him up and run screaming!
Its with nappy on during rough & tumble. I guess I could excuse it by saying that he was tired out and just resting his head, or trying to tickle him in a strange way, or my nephew moved and he never meant to do that, but it made me feel uncomfortable (and obv my mum too when she saw it)

Ok have organised video call with my bro & SIL for after they put nephew to bed today. Fingers crossed I can put it to them calmly after all this!

Have you googled stepdads name op?

It's good you're recognising this is inappropriate, are there any other signs? Is he ever left alone with DN?

OP - might it be better to have this chat with SIL and DB in person?
Just a thought....?

The way you feel right now is exactly how child abusers get away with it for so long. They rely on your discomfort and your justifications.

luisa
Yeah I thought the same but I can’t get over there tonight and my nephew is due to spend the afternoon at mums tomorrow. Would rather say something at least before the next planned visit

I definitely agree with talking to your bro & SIL.
Don't say anything to your mum / stepdad.
Bro & SIL will be able to put protective steps in place. It's good you've been there for your nephew!

Nope you have reason to be concerned. The thing is catching him doin anything. I know his sounds weird but look to see when he is doin his is he getting aroused down stairs.

...yes see what you mean Hendrix.

Hope all goes well with the chat - I think you’re doing absolutely the right thing.

Please keep that child away from him from now on :(

I hope they take you seriously

Look, I'm with everyone else here in thinking this isn't right but let's say it is innocent even still it needs to stop as it'll be very difficult to teach DN boundaries and the underwear rule if someone is already going against it.

hes only two and the stepdad is nappy changing. That would be confusing for a two year old

Good luck with the video call. You're doing the right thing.

So that was an interesting call!
I tried to explain it to them calmly and put what I’d seen clearly.
My bro’s immediate reaction is what I thought - he wanted to come round tonight and ‘knock that perverts lights out’... luckily my SIL is a lot calmer. They both said they hadn’t seen it to anywhere near the same extent, but had been bothered in particular by the kissing on the mouth (as they don’t do that themselves) they had a lot of questions that I just couldn’t answer too.
We’ve agreed I’m going to go to theirs to look after my nephew tomorrow while they try and decide what to do next.
Bloody hell this is all a right fuck up for our family