To be concerned about stepdad & nephew?

[Hendrix1]

I post a lot on MN but Ive created a new username for this one as it’s sensitive.

I’ve been living with my mum & step dad for a year whilst house searching. They’ve been married 2 years, together for 4.
My brother and his wife have a 2 year old boy and are expecting another.
I must admit I’ve never been entirely keen on my stepdad (there’s always been something “off” about him in my opinion) and maybe I’m being biased which is why I’m interested in others opinions on this.

AIBU to be concerned about stepdad & nephews relationship?
Things I’ve noticed which might be ok by themselves but all together??:

1. whenever nephew stays over stepdad always volunteers for activities where nephew is naked (bath, nappy change)
2. I’ve noticed he always kisses my nephew hello & goodbye on the lips (no one else does) he holds nephews face so it always goes on the lips
3. He engages in a lot of rough & tumble with nephew, including blowing raspberries on his tummy. He seems to nuzzle his face in nephews downstairs area sometimes during these sessions
4. He often sits with nephew on his lap and talks very quietly to him (so no one else can hear what he’s saying). I’ve tried to listen in a few times and he’s been saying things like “I love you so much” “give ‘Keith’ kisses” “‘’Keith’ will look after you” (changed names!)
5. Whenever he holds my nephew he strokes his bare skin with his fingers a lot

I’ve told my sister-in-law and she said she’s noticed one or two of these things but just
thought he really loves my nephew. She’s now on the watch out for anything else too.

You've done the right thing OP.

I was abused by a family member as I child, I think people had their suspicions but nobody did a thing.

Well done for looking out for your Nephew.

My name is intuition because this happened to my son. I wish I had listened to my intuition. Something felt off and it went on for years. My poor boy.

Yuck. Tell her to keep him away from him.

When they’d got over the shock of what I was saying they both did kind of try and justify what I’d seen. It’s just such a difficult thing to get into your head, sort of thing you can think ‘oh it’ll never happen to us’. I’ve sent my SIL the messages on this thread to give her some perspective

Well done for speaking up Hendrix. Too many red flags to ignore!
intuition. I hope your DS is ok.

Yes link her to this thread and perhaps it will help you too x
Intuition for you and your DS

Well done Hendrix. You have absolutely done the right thing.

I have 2 grandchildren and I have never kissed them on their lips.

Thank god you live there OP! Definitely not an overreaction. Glad your brother and SIL are taking it seriously.

Well done OP. I'm glad your brother and SIL have taken it seriously. I have no experience in this but had a look on gov.uk and found this link. Perhaps it'll help.
www.parentsprotect.co.uk

I agree that it’s the combination of behaviours and the fact that your spidey sense is tingling is the problem. It is going to be difficult to act, unless you find that there is a conviction, but I think I’d rather be over the top and cut off a family member than put a child at risk of serious harm.

Several of the men I know, DH included, worry about being perceived as a risk to children and will shun anything intimate (although not for his own children apart from due to laziness ). My dad will only change nappies if there’s really no one else who can do it.

Thanks fishface and rlou

Hiding in plane sight.Thank God your nephew has you.His parents probably dont want to believe it.Its an awful situation.

Full of admiration for you Hendrix - what a difficult conversation to have.
Your DB and SIL sound lovely too, bad it seems you have a good relationship.
I think it’s a good plan for tomorrow, hope your DB and SIL are ok... but much better this is stopped now than it manifests into something truly hideous.
Big hug to all three of you
Well done x

*and - not bad

In isolation not overly concerning behaviour From a grandparent

1. whenever nephew stays over stepdad always volunteers for activities where nephew is naked (bath, nappy change) - might be coincidence, depends on f volunteers to cook dinner etc
2. I’ve noticed he always kisses my nephew hello & goodbye on the lips (no one else does) he holds nephews face so it always goes on the lips - weird, but some people are (unfortunately) like that with little ones
3. He engages in a lot of rough & tumble with nephew, including blowing raspberries on his tummy. - not concerning in of itself

He seems to nuzzle his face in nephews downstairs area sometimes during these sessions - WEIRD!

1. He often sits with nephew on his lap and talks very quietly to him (so no one else can hear what he’s saying). I’ve tried to listen in a few times and he’s been saying things like

“I love you so much” NOT weird

“give ‘Keith’ kisses” ... ehhhhhh

“‘’Keith’ will look after you” (changed names!) WEIRD!

1. Whenever he holds my nephew he strokes his bare skin with his fingers a lot - not weird.

But combined? Red flags all over the place.

Tell your brother

I can't believe this! You must tell your brother and SIL again. You don't need to confront your step father but what he is doing isn't normal at all. My father loves my children and he tells them and hugs and kisses them when they leave their house (not on the lips) he play fights with them (they are 4 and 9) but that's not what your step father is doing. This all sounds very sinister! Also if you've always had a strange feeling about him the go with your gut.

Good luck, I'm sure your brother and SIL will trust your judgement!

Sorry I didn't read the whole thread before posting. I'm so glad they have listened. Hope everything is ok.

Does this man have any children or grand children of his own ?

Well done Hendrix! You have taken the necessary steps to protect your nephew...

Glad you spoke up, hope it pans out ok. Discreet digging is what's called for in the first instance I think. Worth finding out about his previous step children?

Well done for bringing this to the boys parents attention. It may be innocent or you may have stopped something very sinister, you did the right thing talking to them.

Reading your OP made my skin crawl. Well done for speaking to your DB and SIL, and also for stepping in tomorrow to keep DN away from SD.

I must admit I’ve never been entirely keen on my stepdad (there’s always been something “off” about him in my opinion)
I found this very interesting before I'd even got to the list of questionable actions, and could kind of guess what was going to come next. Your subconscious was telling you something. Unfortunately/fortunately it turned out to be right.

Do you really all think kissing on the lips is abusive? I mean in terms of the OP it is part of a wider picture that makes alarm bells ring, but on its own? Literally just kissing on the lips, everyone thinks that’s abusive?? I can’t say I’ve acrually seen my mum and dad kiss my baby on the lips but I’d bet they have. I still kiss them on the lips so I’d be surprised if not! I actually am a bit upset people could construe this as abusive.