To not move my DD's party

[TheMonkeyMummy]

I have four children, 9,7,4 and 3. My DD turns 8 next week and is having her party on Saturday afternoon. It has been planned for over 8 months. We always host our own parties in the village hall, and my daughter has chosen a unicorn theme with lots of arts and crafts, for 20 of her girl friends. There has a lot of prep and planning gone into this on my part, three grandparents are travelling a considerable distance to help out and she is incredibly excited.

Another boy in her class is also having a party, at a venue 30 mins away. The mother and I spoke on May 14th, (we are friendly enough to say hi when our paths cross but not enough to go for a cuppa together). We realised the parties had a slight time overlap (we weren't invited to each other's parties) but as it would only affected a few children, I didn't think it was an issue and she didn't say anything. Both of our invitations went out the next day, as planned.

Today, with less than 46 hours to go, I have just received the following text from the other mum.

Hello MonkeyMummy, hope all is going smoothly with DD’s party planning. Unfortunately we’ve had a little hiccup with DS: I’ve heard from 5 mums this week who initially accepted but have now said their girls cannot come or will leave DS’s party early so they aren’t too late for your DD’s. Is there any way you can make the start time a bit later, say by 30 mins? I booked a 2 hour slot for the party which I tried to make earlier, but at this stage cannot change as there is no more availability. The only other available slot would actually be in conflict with your DD’s party. There’re 2 animators involved so I’m not able to be that flexible. I just think it’d be great if the girls could attend both parties & the parents would not have to rush between the two events. Please let me know if there’s anything you can do to make things easier for everyone. Many thanks!

I am working that morning, DS2 has a party straight after lunch and I don't really want a party to end later than 6, as I have to tidy up and I have a 3 year old who will start to be getting tired and clingy (only wants me, no one else). Plus we have friends driving over an hour to join us so said we would BBQ after the party, they will start that at home while I clean.

And if I am honest, I am a more than a little gobsmacked that she has even asked me to do this, esp with such short notice.

AIBU to say no?

Love it @BlackAmericanoNoSugar !

For those saying other mum is cheeky fucker can we remembered she is just a mum who has spent lots of money and wants her dc to have a great birthday.. That's all that's going on here.

Op I don't understand why from the start you didn't say the same as her ie..

Yes it's hard to move things around once they area set because everyone involved has obligations before and after. We can't move ours either however we have re gigged inside the party so those who are late won't miss out, it's not ideal but can you do cake earlier? Let's both... Communicate properly next year.

I get impression she feels her party maybe more important with the animators and that your being difficult. You should have said from start you cannot re gig it either

@Blondeshavemorefun my kids birthdays fall one per month between March and June, so I book the venue and the grandparents travel tickets in July, then forget about them until the month before. This system has worked very well for the last three years.

Re: the other parents, I only know what I have written. Three parents told me they would be 30 mins late. I don't know who the fourth one and the person who cancelled is, I don't know the exact logistics of invitations beyond what I wrote earlier and I haven't asked for further clarification because at this late stage, it wouldn't change nor achieve anything.

But yes, it would be easy enough to have the cake earlier.

@Ohsuchaperfectday

Equally, I have also spent a lot of money on this party. 20 guests, games, activities, food, party bags, it is probably the same amount. I don't really like the implication that because she has laid out a sum of money for people to run the party for her, she is more important. I have also spent the last few nights working until midnight, preparing for the party.

Re: your suggestion. I didn't think of that at the time and to be honest, to meet with her original request of 30 mins wasn't an issue. I was a bit that she asked in the first place as I would never do that BUT it wasn't a big effort to meet that initial request.

@Ohsuchaperfectday - I think that @TheMonkeyMummy has been very kind and cooperative - she was asked to push her party back by 30 mi utes, but couldn’t do that, so she compromised by rejigging the order of things so people could arrive 30 minutes late - but the other mum is unwilling to compromise at all - she wants things all her own way, it seems.

I cannot see how you think that the OP could have handled this any better, or that she is in any way at fault - whereas the other mum is definitely veering towards cheeky fucker territory!

Her implication not mine.

I agree with you op I have done my own parties I known the work and expense.. but I don't understand why you didn't match her from the the start... Sorry its hard we can't shift the time of ours literally either...

It obvious she thinks it'd going to be sad for her son with guests leaving. You have done something for your guests arriving late which doesn't help her. Lovely for the girls going to both parties but you havant actually done anything to stop those guests leaving his party early.

Hopefully her son will have a lovely time and won't notice... By the time they leave and from your pov one hopes the dc want to leave as they may get settled in and want cake.

I can see why the other mum is frustrated because you didn't say you couldn't move anything either.. Like her your stuck.

Moving internally in party.. Isn't helping her .

I'm sure both days will be wondeful.!! One hopes because its a child's party. Breaks heart to read on mn so many parties where no one responds to invite or... Child dropped on bday.. It's shocking how people can do this to small dc. Good luck op.

"but you havant actually done anything to stop those guests leaving his party early."

That's their choice though.

Also, if we're talking about 4/5 guests-why should the other 15/16 have to be inconvenienced?

I’d definitely send BlackAmericano’s text - she can’t then say you didn’t give her any notice

FFS, the other parents HAVE THE CHOICE when they leave the first party.
Actually the OP HAS made it easier for them to stay til the end of the first party, by saying she would delay the main part of the activities at her own party.
It's still not going to change the fact that the parents HAVE THEIR OWN CHOICE how they deal with the timings!

Monkey, you were really nice about this

however, is it necessary to make a big drama on either side to solve this? I mean, you say, your party starts at 3 pm, everybody comes when they comes.... making such a fuss about a "structured party" for 8 years olds seems ridiculous....

I understand you are concerned about your relatives and the grill- afterparty, but it hasnt be like this, you know? everybody comes and goes, how they like it

be more relaxed and just enjoy the day and let the others enjoy it too...

this mother competition about the children´s parties are ridiculous... the children want to see each other and play together
the same with adults :)

Wait, she asks if you can make party start half an hour later, you say no problem for people to arrive half an hour later, and she says that's not good enough because they will still miss the cake? Did I miss something?!

Let's not forget the poor children are also missing out on the chance to sing for DS badg3r

OMG pandora - HOW are you managing to make ANY of this the OP's fault? She's not the one creating drama, the other mother is.

@pandora101 absolutely no fuss on my side. All of my prep is done, all we have to do now is turn up, and go with the flow. I work with children so this is no biggie for me. I was very happy to accommodate her request of thirty minutes.

I do, however, want to have everyone out, and the place cleaned up by 6. Then home for a bbq, which the others will have started. I will have four very tired and excited children to put to bed, ideally around 8:30. Any later than that, and things unravel very very quickly. (Trust me, I have done this a few times before ).

I don't compete with other mums, and I have no interest in doing so. I am
simply putting the needs of my family first and foremost.

@Ohsuchaperfectday I have told them that they will be welcomed whenever they arrive. I think that is more than accommodating, in all honesty.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad
nonono! I dont try to make any of this the OP´s fault

I am just pointing out that maybe it would be better to enjoy the day and say: anybody comes when they comes, easy

she wanted to clean the house before the afterparty begins with the adults
again, I just wanted to point out, maybe no need to stress over it... the relatives will be happy to start the grill on their own, after the OP and the children get home

the other mother is unreasonable and I just want the OP (who seems very nice and maybe she is accommodating people too much) to see the real purpose of the get-togethers

no need for a structured elaborate plan, the main thing is: to be a relaxed hostess and say: whatever, enjoy

sorry, if I sounded that I am blaming the OP, I wanted her to realise she can relax and everything will be fine

the other mother is apparently useless and brainless, with no manners, but it doesnt mean the OP should focus on that person and the logistics and not enjoy the day and stress over it

and it sounds like mothers are taking over the children´s enjoyment with petty things

the children will be okey and will enjoy both parties unless their mothers will stress them out about the logistics

PS. the animator thing for a party... how pretentious.... and if you can grill, it means you have a garden, then why is it important to book the city hall? know what I mean

forgetting the purpose

@pandora101 , ah, I see! No, I don't want to clean the house, I want to clean up the village hall after the party. We have to return it as we found it.

I think I may have to read this wrong.
She asked for 30 minutes leeway so hopefully the guests doing parties could stay longer at one and arrive in better time for the the other?

And you actually did move the time on your party? I thought you just re arranged activities within the same time at the party for the your guests?

When she asked for 30 minutes I assumed it was for her side of it, her guests? So you re arranging craft or whatever doesn't actually benefit her? Because those who guests may still be going before end..

I'm confused...

@TheMonkeyMummy

the day will be perfect, dont worry:)
maybe you can ask some relatives to come and get the children (they havent seen them for a while they will be happy to be with them) so they take the children home, and you can stay and clean up the hall and have a good after-party gossip with the others staying and helping you to clean up (the best part :) )

yes, go with the flow and enjoy it:)
dont let anybody spoil your day

and no, you cant make everybody happy, so just relax
I am sure with your normal and happy attitude the parties (childrens and bbq) will be for the attendees a time to remember

@pandora101 thank you!!! Am very excited!

@Ohsuchaperfectday she asked me to move back my party by 30 mins. I replied that I have rearranged the activities, so those arriving 30 mins later won't miss out on anything big, so no worries. (To me, it's the same thing but without messing all the other parents around.) She said that wasn't helpful.

@Ohsuchaperfectday - my understanding is that the OP has arranged things so some of the guests can turn up late to her dd’s party without missing out on the activities, so that they don’t have to leave the other party as early. I assume that the overlap, plus the travel time between the two means that the other options are - kids stay to the end of party 1and are an hour late for party 2, or kids leave party 1 an hour early, but are on time for the start of party 2 - so the arrangement that the OP has offered essentially loses half an hour from the end of party 1 and half an hour from the beginning of party 2.

It is a compromise, and requires a compromise from the other mum - doing things in a different order at her ds’s party - but that isn’t enough for the other mum.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius exactly

So her party is 2-4, yours is 3-6 (well, more 5:30) ?
The 2 venues are 30 minutes apart, presumably by car?

so the 4 guests will miss half an hour of one party and an hour of the other, depending on what time they choose to leave?

I can see both sides really, the girls are more likely to decide to miss less of your DD's party, which means missing quite a bit of his, which for her, seems like a waste of the places they're taking up, and her son is probably going to notice them leaving half way and feel pretty shit about it, i know at 8 years old i would have.

Presumably, her "plan" when contacting you, was if your party was moved back half an hour, then they could leave her party a half hour later, and miss less of her sons party, but still miss just as much of your DD's. (so, staying 2-3:30, and getting to yours at 4)

Honestly i dont think the parents of those 4 are being very fair, given the time overlap plus the travel time, i think it is a bit unreasonable to go to both when it means missing a significant chunk of at least 1, and they should have just chosen 1. She was sneaky and underhand to text her invites knowing yours were paper invites being given the next day, like she tried to steal the mutual guests, instead of them getting both invites the same day and being able to consider both. Maybe it is out of awkwardness having already said yes to her that those 4 feel obligated to show at her DS's party for at least part of it now they already accepted, before getting your invite, or she might have just been 5 guests down.

It's her little boy i feel sorry for, hes been given a yes thats now a no in favour of your DD, and 4 others will be ditching early to come to your DD's. Its probably going to make him feel second best and a bit shit.

Sounds like an excellent party!

Can you not just reply explaining you can't change the times but anyone attending both parties are more than welcome if they're going to be a little late?
It's not a sit down meal where noone can start until everyone is there is it??