To not move my DD's party

[TheMonkeyMummy]

I have four children, 9,7,4 and 3. My DD turns 8 next week and is having her party on Saturday afternoon. It has been planned for over 8 months. We always host our own parties in the village hall, and my daughter has chosen a unicorn theme with lots of arts and crafts, for 20 of her girl friends. There has a lot of prep and planning gone into this on my part, three grandparents are travelling a considerable distance to help out and she is incredibly excited.

Another boy in her class is also having a party, at a venue 30 mins away. The mother and I spoke on May 14th, (we are friendly enough to say hi when our paths cross but not enough to go for a cuppa together). We realised the parties had a slight time overlap (we weren't invited to each other's parties) but as it would only affected a few children, I didn't think it was an issue and she didn't say anything. Both of our invitations went out the next day, as planned.

Today, with less than 46 hours to go, I have just received the following text from the other mum.

Hello MonkeyMummy, hope all is going smoothly with DD’s party planning. Unfortunately we’ve had a little hiccup with DS: I’ve heard from 5 mums this week who initially accepted but have now said their girls cannot come or will leave DS’s party early so they aren’t too late for your DD’s. Is there any way you can make the start time a bit later, say by 30 mins? I booked a 2 hour slot for the party which I tried to make earlier, but at this stage cannot change as there is no more availability. The only other available slot would actually be in conflict with your DD’s party. There’re 2 animators involved so I’m not able to be that flexible. I just think it’d be great if the girls could attend both parties & the parents would not have to rush between the two events. Please let me know if there’s anything you can do to make things easier for everyone. Many thanks!

I am working that morning, DS2 has a party straight after lunch and I don't really want a party to end later than 6, as I have to tidy up and I have a 3 year old who will start to be getting tired and clingy (only wants me, no one else). Plus we have friends driving over an hour to join us so said we would BBQ after the party, they will start that at home while I clean.

And if I am honest, I am a more than a little gobsmacked that she has even asked me to do this, esp with such short notice.

AIBU to say no?

Well not unreasonable to ask, she was polite. You either can or you can't, not unreasonable to say no, as long as you're polite

That's very gracious on your part - hope she sends a nice text back.

I think you response is well judged OP because you have made an adjustment even though it was not quite what she wanted - it shows a willingness to compromise without being a pushover! Well done

It was a nice and friendly request. To be honest, if I were the parent of a child at the first party, I'd suspect they'd get overtired or too invested in the party they were at first. In that case, it would more likely be your daughter's party that suffered if they showed up even later or didn't bother at all. (after all, these people are rude enough to switch parties...)

Quietly awestruck at the idea of a day that involves working, setting up your own child's party, taking another to a different party, tidying up and having a bbq after.

Of course you can say no - but she's not being cheeky asking you politely. She's explained she has made an effort on her side to change things. 30mins wouldn't bother me - but you have good reasons for it to bother you so just say.

I would probably change the time as 30 minutes isn't that big a difference, as long as I could get hold of all the parents to let them know.

If it's not possible, I'd also realize that the children who may be attending both parties may be a bit late to yours.

she was fine to ask and you are fine to say no if it doesn't suit. There is no need for any fuss here.

Although the mind boggles at planning a 8 year olds party for 8 months! Its not a royal wedding!

Might be wrong but it sounds as if she texted out the invitations so as to beat you too it, some accepted & then changed their minds on getting your daughter's invitation.

I think that what you have said sounds fine.

If your not able to move the time, don't, just tell her, sorry I cannot move on the time. She should have been better organised. It is not your problem that parents have been rude and accepted dd invitation, instead of honouring the other child's.

Maybe the hall gets booked up early? Not unreasonable to book it 8 months in advance.

I don't think moving your party by 30 mins is that much of an inconvenience if I'm honest. Yes it's a bit annoying, but what if these friends of your dc just decide it's too much hassle and have so much fun at the first party that they then don't bother with yours.

I think your response is great. Basically you're not changing the party, however accommodating those latecomers. Can't ask for more really !

"I don't think moving your party by 30 mins is that much of an inconvenience if I'm honest. "

It's not just about the Op though-it's the 20 guests & parents taking them!

The hall does get booked up very quickly so I go in every summer and book the next years parties. It's a great and convenient location, and it's not expensive.

I am having my 40th birthday party there in a few months, when I tried to book my birthday weekend 14 months in advance, I was too late!

Have received a response.

'Sadly it doesn’t as 4 of the 12 kids would have to leave at 3pm meaning they miss the cake & chance to sing for DS. It’s just a 2 hour slot organised by the animators so this doesn’t give us much flexibility. We purposely kept the party small as it’s expensive. Shame it couldn’t have worked out better.'

YANBU.

If they would have to leave at 3pm to get there for 3.30pm why did she ask you to move the start time of your party half an hour in the first place? I think you've been more than accommodating, I would just be worried that half your guests may be up at an hour late by the looks of it.

Well done, OP, sounds gracious. But to PPs who've said it's not a hassle to move a party back half an hour - it is if it reduces party time by 25%, 20 parents have to be informed (who have probably built their day round it esp with if they have other kids) and - in OP's case, you have a much younger child who'd be naggy with an extra half hour. So OP has done an obliging thing and juggled what's happening at the party by half an hour so the five kids who go to both don't miss out too much. I'd have thought two parties back to back with half an hour travel between would be a bit much for most 8 year olds .....

She asked for 30 mins, you have 30 mins? I'm confused as to what the problem is now???

Your update makes it crystal clear that she is the unreasonable one - your compromise was kind and helpful, whereas she seems to want things all her own way.

Posted before seeing update. Ah well, she's clearly a taker not a giver.

Can't she have the cake & sing earlier? It is what it is, and now it's up to her to solve that. 8 people singing and having cake is fine anyway. 12 is not a tiny party.

I'd say something like

Sorry to hear that - I can't move ours as we don't have the hall after Xpm. Could you do cake earlier if you ask the animators? As I say, I am totally happy to adjust the main timings on ours so the first 30 minutes isn't missing much, so could you adjust on your end too?

Can I say that I only sort of agree that her message is okay - it's polite but why does she expect you to solve the problem of the fact that 4 parents literally want their children to have their cake and eat it twice in one day. That for me is the issue here. They don't have to leave and miss the cake etc. They could stay and miss your party. Although presumably they said yes to your party first. Personally I'd just leave it now and not respond. I think you have done your best to accommodate a situation that isn't of your making and happens lots and lots of times over the course of kids lives.

She asked you to make the party 30 minutes later (you've responded by saying although the start time will stay the same, you are happy for some to arrive 30 minutes later, and will ensure they don't miss out)

But now she says that's not going to help? 30 minutes is not long enough. I'm confused

Shame it couldn’t have worked out better.'

Read "Shame you didnt do what I wanted you to do".

These things happen and cant be helped, she needs to accept that instead of trying to pin the blame on you as she is clearly doing. I wouldnt reply, but I would be expecting a least one more "Are you sure you can change it?" message before the party and probably her lynching you at pick up/drop off with a hatful of emotional blackmail.