To not move my DD's party

[TheMonkeyMummy]

I have four children, 9,7,4 and 3. My DD turns 8 next week and is having her party on Saturday afternoon. It has been planned for over 8 months. We always host our own parties in the village hall, and my daughter has chosen a unicorn theme with lots of arts and crafts, for 20 of her girl friends. There has a lot of prep and planning gone into this on my part, three grandparents are travelling a considerable distance to help out and she is incredibly excited.

Another boy in her class is also having a party, at a venue 30 mins away. The mother and I spoke on May 14th, (we are friendly enough to say hi when our paths cross but not enough to go for a cuppa together). We realised the parties had a slight time overlap (we weren't invited to each other's parties) but as it would only affected a few children, I didn't think it was an issue and she didn't say anything. Both of our invitations went out the next day, as planned.

Today, with less than 46 hours to go, I have just received the following text from the other mum.

Hello MonkeyMummy, hope all is going smoothly with DD’s party planning. Unfortunately we’ve had a little hiccup with DS: I’ve heard from 5 mums this week who initially accepted but have now said their girls cannot come or will leave DS’s party early so they aren’t too late for your DD’s. Is there any way you can make the start time a bit later, say by 30 mins? I booked a 2 hour slot for the party which I tried to make earlier, but at this stage cannot change as there is no more availability. The only other available slot would actually be in conflict with your DD’s party. There’re 2 animators involved so I’m not able to be that flexible. I just think it’d be great if the girls could attend both parties & the parents would not have to rush between the two events. Please let me know if there’s anything you can do to make things easier for everyone. Many thanks!

I am working that morning, DS2 has a party straight after lunch and I don't really want a party to end later than 6, as I have to tidy up and I have a 3 year old who will start to be getting tired and clingy (only wants me, no one else). Plus we have friends driving over an hour to join us so said we would BBQ after the party, they will start that at home while I clean.

And if I am honest, I am a more than a little gobsmacked that she has even asked me to do this, esp with such short notice.

AIBU to say no?

YANBU at all. She raced past your invites, then asks you to move YOUR party. The parents cancelled her in favour of your party.

The only person smelling of roses is you at the moment! Hope it goes well.

*Can't change it

Reply that if she had been more on the ball you might have been able to work things out!

I don't think it's crazy that she asks, she doesn't know how much planning is going into it and that people are travelling etc. She would be VU to be annoyed at you saying no. Just send a polite message back "sorry there's no wriggle room our end either (insert reason if you like), I'm sure both kids will have a lovely time though, good luck with party prep"

Neither are being unreasonable.

She asked as she wanted nobody to miss both parties which is fair enough.

You aren't able to for various reasons which is also fair enough.

I'd just text:

"Really Sorry Jenny, Isabelle's hall is booked for that time and any we have family coming to our house after the party. I hope Alfie has an amazing birthday."

I think both original texts were polite but she's verging on the prima Donna now.

I wouldn't reply any more. Or if you feel you should, just shake it off with an 'oh well, worse things happen at sea' type thing.

She does have a reputation as being a difficult person, but I don't have much experience in dealing with her so am trying not to think about that.

To PP who predicted a further message, they were correct.

'I’m sure they’ll both enjoy their parties but it’s just disappointing that 1 girl cancelled & 4 others (out of 12) will leave 30 mins early due to a scheduling conflict which could have been avoided. I’ve even asked the centre if we could start at 1pm but it’s not possible due to an earlier workshop. I remember you asking me about DS’s birthday party plans which we should definitely do in future to avoid any disappointments. DS’s birthday is 26 May (the day of his party which he really wanted to do on his bday this year) & in general we have his celebration at the weekend as close as possible to his birthday. I’ve made a note of your DD’s.'

I think I should just leave it now and hope she does too.

I'd just leave it now. You've done your best to accommodate, and the time for her (or better, both of you) to co ordinate plans was weeks ago, when this issue first came up.

Oh didn't see update then she is BU.

The only thing that you could possibly do is get in touch with the people who have cancelled on her to come to your party and say to them, "Really not a problem if you're 30 minutes late. We've adjusted timings so you won't miss much".

But doing that would be very generous, I think. Not your fault that she didn't think it through.

Just leave it. She's a CF trying to manipulate you by guilt. Fuck that. She put the onus on you to 'make everything comfortable'. You were gracious. You are not obligated to coordinate your child's social life around her and her son. She's self-absorbed. I hate people like this. She's still trying to guilt you.

You've been very reasonable. I'd just reply "sure, more than happy to make arrangements for next year" and leave it at that.

Could she not swap the timing so cake is nearer the start?

I know it's not traditional, but so nobody misses out there?

To be honest I deliberately did my daughters the day after her birthday as another boys birthday is the same and had a party on his.

A lot of the parents were relieved they didn't have to try and cut one short to get to another.

That's a great response @BrioLover .

You can't go changing the time of the parties. That's going to confuse people. It's too late now. It's rude of people to cancel on her if they'd already accepted.

I am also confused about timings. She asked for you to start 30 minutes later. You said no, but not a problem for them to come 30 minutes later. She's still not happy.

Me too @squeaver .

But I don't really want to ask her what she wants me to do beyond that.

The only thing that you could possibly do is get in touch with the people who have cancelled on her to come to your party and say to them, "Really not a problem if you're 30 minutes late. We've adjusted timings so you won't miss much".

YY to this. Tbh, I'd do so anyway - not to be generous, per se, but because I'd want them to be aware that the "party proper" would be starting at 3.30pm and so it would be in their interests to make a getaway from the other party promptly at 3pm. I might add something to my text about "realise the timing is tight and really appreciate you making the effort, DD is excited to see her friends!"

Ach, forget about it. You've done everything you can. Hope the party goes well.

Argh what a drama over a party

She WNBU to ask.

It would not have BU for you to say no. I thought your response and offer was very kind.

She’s now being very U!

I'd not agree to work with her next year because she will manipulate, bully and guilt-trip. She's not known as a difficult person for nothing.

I wouldn't agree to 'work' with her for next year either.

In her language, that means she'll tell you what's she's doing, and you'll fall in line.

Don't bother replying to her, she's a pain.

So if she asked for half an hr & it has been given in effect, what's the problem?

Did she in fact need an hr to take travelling time into account?

I think the guests sound pretty rude not her!

She has tried to book an earlier slot and she is bound by the venue.
I Gree it's not your problem but it will be disappointing for her son if a third of the guests leave early for " the next one".
Who does that to at a child's party? If I was the other mum I'd be telling them to sod of and go to yours rather than leave before the end.