To think a significant minority of MN users don't respect SAHMs?

[Bumpitybumper]

During my time on this forum I have seen the following views being expressed about SAHMs:

• SAHMs are bad feminists and therefore not entitled to any kind of opinion regarding feminist issues. Particular objections are raised about SAHMs having thoughts about feminism in the workplace irrespective of their previous experiences when they were employed.

- SAHMs are sponging financially off their DPs and just don't want to get a job. Many posters seem to think it is impossible for a SAHM's non financial contributions to equal or exceed the financial contribution provided by the breadwinning partner. SAHMs therefore deserve less than there working partners in any break up/divorce.

• SAHMs should be responsible for all housework regardless of capacity to fit this in during the day. If a SAHM struggles to get things done due to ages and temprament of children they are told they are just not trying hard enough.

-SAHMs should do the vast majority, if not all the night wakings with babies and young children. This usually extends to women on maternity leave and holds true even if SAHM is shattered and her working partner is relatively well rested.

There are loads more examples too that I can't think of right now, but I see it pretty much on a daily basis. Is this just me or is the quite a lot of disdain for SAHMs on MN?

I think SAHM’s do a very important roll. Bringing up children well is worthy of respect whether you work or not. I’m a working mum (on mat leave) but if things were different I’d love to be a SAHM. My older dc is really benefiting from having me around more and we’ll all miss that when mat leave is over .

and the ambition thing is an odd thing to say... why is it not an ambition to devote time and energy to raising your own kids? Might not be YOUR ambition... but it is something that some women want and aim for.... so it is an ambition. Different people value and are engaged by different things. What might bore you and seem unexciting may well be extremely fulfilling for the next person. You cant say someone lacks ambition simply because they dont share your values or arent engaged by the same things you are

-SAHMs should do the vast majority, if not all the night wakings with babies and toddlers
-SAHMs are responsible for housework

I’m a stay at home mom and I agree with the two statements above it’s part of my job to do these tasks whilst my dh does out at half 5 to provide a roof over our heads.
What do you expect op to stay at home and do nothing but expect your dh to come in cook clean and do the night feeds?

I've indirectly been asked by DD's friend's mum why I bothered having them if I was going to work. It definitely works both ways.

It’s clear from several of the posts here that SAHMs are subjected to a lot of hostility from other women. I’m a SAHM with 2 children at school. I cannot recall “slobbing around” at any point. I have made my life being a full time mum. Yes. No doubt Ill get flamed for that expression. I have a SN DS. He goes to a school an hours drive away. Both my parents are dead, my DH still has a father but estranged. We have no one to step in during holidays or when kids or ill, or to drive my DS to school and back. After housework, I have dogs to walk (only got to help with DS s difficulties), gardening (inc veg patch) cooking separate meals for DS (all from scratch, no convenience food) and DD, then me and DH. Keeping on top of DS schoolwork, so I can go through all topics he is doing with him. Then my 2 hour pick up, then helping him with homework (major support required, usually explaining to him what is required and going through it with him), sorting out tea for DCs. I use the expression full time mum, basically as I don’t delegate to anyone else, apart from school, and even when DS is at school Im preparing stuff for him for when he gets home.
I don’t criticise any working mum. I think women should have the choice, and I think it’s a great role model for kids to have a working mum, but for us it just wouldn’t be feasible, and, I am lucky to have the choice. On top of day to day stuff, I do all the decorating, lawn mowing, I’ve had to look after my DF when my DM died, single handedly go through the DPs house when DF died to sort and clear everything, deal with finances etc. I’ve also looked after a friends D.C. in the mornings so she could go to work (unpaid). I don’t slob around. Because Im a SAHM I often have working friends saying - oh, I’ve got tomorrow off, come round for coffee, as though Ive got nothing else to do, which does annoy me. Or the remarks like “oh, you must have loads of time for reading”. Well yes, if I get up at 6am n a Sunday morning I can sneak in a couple of hours. I know another SAHM who does practically all her home improvements, including laying floorboards and connecting radiators.

I respect working mums and I recognise that for many it must be hard, but I also deserve respect actually, and it is depressing to see women having a go at other women over their choices. Please don’t make assumptions about SAHMs. Yes, there may be some “ladies of leisure”, but unless you know personal circumstances, don’t criticise.

There’s a lot being said here about choice and I keep hearing that it should be an individual choice depending on what works for you and your family. But I wonder how many of us are actually really making a choice.

There are so many women that would love to be at home with their DC but they simply cannot afford to. The cost of living in the UK is high and most households need to salaries to make ends meet.

Similarly I know a lot of American women forced into the SAHM role due to the lack of maternity leave, high childcare costs and tax breaks for SAHPs.

You can bet that a lot of them are pissed off at having their choice made for them. Maybe that’s where the resentment starts to creep in?! But let’s all try and judge each other a little less. I have no issue with what other women do, as long as no one uses the phrase ‘full time mummy’ like you’re a part time parent if you go to work.... Parenting is hard, we should all have a bit more respect for each other.

Dancingmonkey Wow, I had no idea we were still living in 1950. So your husband deserves sleep because he goes out to work, but you don't when you're keeping his home nice and his children alive and well which is an exhausting job? he's had a tiring day at work and you've had a tiring day at home with small children, where you can't even take a piss or eat in peace, and a lunch break is out of the question, but god forbid you should share night feeds. Jesus Christ.

My dh is a HGD and it’s up at half 5 so yes it is vital to his job that he has adequate sleep. When I was off maternity I did the majority of the night feeds. He would do the 10 o’clock fed and also help during the weekend but I would never expect him to get up during the night on weekend when he was at work no. As for the housework I’m at home everyday of course my role would be maintain the house, if I had been working aswell this would be shared. However I have ample time to clean the house even with a toddler, I also have plenty of me time to go out socialising with friends and attending baby groups.

How wonderful would it be if all of this vitriol could be redirected into campaigning for greater flexible working rights, so that fewer people would be forced into SAHP-dom when that may not be what they want.

I didn't plan to be a SAHP. My flexible working request was turned down, and 80 hours a week in a law firm isn't the family life many of us would choose. When I am criticised for my current status by those who work part time, in particular, I have to try very hard to smile politely. If I could have found a job working 3 or 4 days a week in my field of law, I would still be in work too, obviously. For the avoidance of doubt, being lucky enough to have your flexible working request approved doesn't make you a better human being than someone who had theirs refused.

I see it on mumsnet but in real life I just don't know anyone who outwardly cares. I have friends with DC who work from 2 days up to full time, and I have a couple of friends who SAH. I never have time to think about what they are doing and I don't feel judgy about any of them.

I work part time now. My dc2 is getting his 30 hour funding in Sept so I am going full time because he loves environments with other kids and I don't like being at home feeling like I could be stretching my mind at work. I don't really care what other people think about that: I still prioritise my DC if a choice has to be made (e.g. Illness, nativity plays, sports afternoon - I get to these). If I felt like my DC were unhappy because of my choices then I would change something in a heartbeat but we are all thriving so work I shall!
I wouldn't choose SAHP but I honestly don't judge others who do.

Re sharing night feeds, my DH would always change the nappy after I fed (bf). He got to have a lunch break at work, and to read on the bus going in. I got about 40 mins during day when DB slept, that wasn’t feeding /playing with/holding/pushing in pram the baby. Otherwise full on 24/7.

Not a path I'd choose for myself but I agree they are judged quite harshly. But I do think they should do the lion's share of household upkeep.

On every thread in which a mother asks what is reasonable to expect of her DH wrt household management there's always a poster that pops up to proclaim how her husband that is out of the house from 6am-8pm and always manages to make dinner for everyone when he gets home; usually from scratch, then does bath and bed with a bit of story time whilst she sits on the sofa with a glass of wine

I don't judge them I silently seethe as I would have loved to have been privileged enough to not have to go back into full time work the second maternity has ended . I don't judge as such more just a deep jealousy.

On every thread in which a mother asks what is reasonable to expect of her DH wrt household management there's always a poster that pops up to proclaim how her husband that is out of the house from 6am-8pm and always manages to make dinner for everyone when he gets home; usually from scratch, then does bath and bed with a bit of story time whilst she sits on the sofa with a glass of wine

Oh god this is literally my DH! I’m temporarily at home whilst I wait for my work authorisation (trailing spouse). He doesn’t do quite such long hours but he always does bathtime as he doesn’t get to see DD in the day and cooking is a bit of a hobby for him. I often enjoy a glass of wine whilst he’s at it too. Sorry not sorry.

(never posted on a thread about it though)

Im a SAHM and my husband does 13 hr days.... he will still cook when he gets in pretty often and will put DS to bed if hes back on time for that.
We take it in turns. Hes been at work 13hrs but so have I looking after a toddler whilst heavily pregnant. So I do expect the work to be at least shared when he is in the house.

When DH was a SAHD we would prep the evening meal together the night before. I enjoy cooking so I was happy to get home from work and pour a glass of wine and make dinner or if he fancied, he'd do it. I did bathtime and story/bed time because I actually enjoyed spending time with my kids. I never saw it as a chore or a tit-for-tat point scoring exercise with my husband, we are a team, a family, working from home wasn't a get out of life pass when I was single so never saw why it should be because I was married with kids.

You'd think some people really resent the children they've created. How odd.

How people decide to manage their family unit is of no consequence or interest to me.

I believe that long-term SAHM-hood and underemployment is not a feminist choice, once that I've made myself, and I'm perfectly reconciled with it.

DH baths the DC when he gets home from work. He enjoys it, he doesn’t get to see them all day otherwise. He doesn’t see it as a chore.
He also cooks dinner sometimes. He enjoys cooking.

I have nothing against sahms. But the comment that it’s equal to the contribution from the working partner, well I just don’t know if that’s true. If someone is a high earner they tend me be highly skilled and often very hard working. A stay at home parent is contributing ofc, but are they really contributing half of whatever the other partner does regardless of what they do? I don’t think so.

Some people are super sensitive about being a sahp. Do it if you want and there’s nothing wrong with it .

I work freelance from home so do am in between so to speak. I absolutely respect both decisions and know that often circumstances dictate either way. For all the people who criticise stay at home mums however, please never expect them to pick up your child, take them to an event because you are at work, make up the numbers on a school trip, accompany your child on school swimming, act as your emergency contact or lift them to a netball match after school (never offering to pay petrol!). Though I willingly do these things, childcare is the responsibility of the parent and the decisions we have made, which have impacted on my career, have been made as we have no family support and were not able to manage these things without relying on others. Today I was called to collect a teacher friend's child from school as they were ill. My friend turned up to collect them at 7 o'clock tonight and hardly a thank you.

'A stay at home parent is contributing ofc, but are they really contributing half of whatever the other partner does regardless of what they do? I don’t think so. '

It's really sad that so many people see the most important parts of their lives as a tit-for-tat point scoring exercise where it all needs to be 50/50 like a pair of student flatmates.

Dancingmonkey Vital for mothers to have adequate sleep too, I would have thought. I wouldn't want to get behind the wheel with my children in the car while sleep deprived. But the husband has to have his sleep, of course. I don't get this crap about a man coming home to be served by his wife, feet up with a beer while she continues to cook and clean and bathe kids and do bedtime, bloody hell.

I have noticed this IRL actually.

I’m currently on maternity leave with dc2 but I’ve worked part time since the arrival of dc1. The difference in the way I am treated in shops, cafes etc when I was with dc1 on one of my days with him, compared to when I was having lunch with colleagues wearing smart clothes etc, never ceased to amaze me.

I think those who stay at home to raise their children have the hardest job, but their kids benefit hugely. The early years are so important. And I say that as a working mum.

A stay at home parent is contributing ofc, but are they really contributing half of whatever the other partner does regardless of what they do? I don’t think so.
Well without my BIL being a SAHD my sister would not be able to do the job she trained for 15 years to do. In her work world you don’t get to stop resuscitating someone because the nursery/after school club is closing in 30 mins and she has to leave on time... She does seem to do a fair bit of housework though as well as wanting to spend time with their DCs so I agree about the not doing half in their case. But even if he only does a quarter it’s the essential quarter that makes the whole thing possible IYSWIM.

Absolute jealousy here. 4 kids, working working working and Id love to stay home. Id love to be energised and happy when I pick them up. Instead its after school clubs for them and a frazzled mum who drills them through their homework while cooking a shitty tasting fish and veg. The house smells funny right now too.