To think a significant minority of MN users don't respect SAHMs?

[Bumpitybumper]

During my time on this forum I have seen the following views being expressed about SAHMs:

• SAHMs are bad feminists and therefore not entitled to any kind of opinion regarding feminist issues. Particular objections are raised about SAHMs having thoughts about feminism in the workplace irrespective of their previous experiences when they were employed.

- SAHMs are sponging financially off their DPs and just don't want to get a job. Many posters seem to think it is impossible for a SAHM's non financial contributions to equal or exceed the financial contribution provided by the breadwinning partner. SAHMs therefore deserve less than there working partners in any break up/divorce.

• SAHMs should be responsible for all housework regardless of capacity to fit this in during the day. If a SAHM struggles to get things done due to ages and temprament of children they are told they are just not trying hard enough.

-SAHMs should do the vast majority, if not all the night wakings with babies and young children. This usually extends to women on maternity leave and holds true even if SAHM is shattered and her working partner is relatively well rested.

There are loads more examples too that I can't think of right now, but I see it pretty much on a daily basis. Is this just me or is the quite a lot of disdain for SAHMs on MN?

So I don't 'get' why being able to spend some hours of the day as I please, is a bad use of my time

Because you are only deemed as ‘worthy’ if you are toiling from dusk until dawn, of course!

Commanding respect is different from expecting to not receive abuse though. I think the that’s what the op is getting at. I don’t generally respect people I don’t know unless they are doing something worthy of it. Turning up for a job isn’t worthy and neither is raising a child. Just paying tax doesn’t get you some kind of medal (remember Most sahm’s will also have payed plenty of tax in their lives) but I wouldn’t start slagging someone off online because they happened to do a job that I thought was a bit pointless or slightly unethical.

Well it didn't take long to prove your point did it?

It stems from the fact that we all see each other as economic units rather than human beings these days.

You don't see this disrespect for people who do holiday/wraparound childcare because they're getting paid to do it by people who are getting paid to do something else.

I’m a sahm - two of my three children are disabled and alternative childcare is therefore not an option. My kids don’t look disabled to the outside. My life is an endless hamster wheel of hospital appts, school appts, housework and trying to fit in a few hours of fun to spend with my 3 yr old. Everyone has struggles that others aren’t aware of, we should all be a bit kinder to each other and judge less. I’m sure some days my life looks luxurious and carefree, other days I am run ragged after no sleep and various hectic things going on. Like everyone, it waxes and wanes...

Every stay at home parent is different too which is why there’s so much I think. What worked for us would be vilified by some, and what worked for others I would think is insane. Myself and my DH have both been stay at home parents for a year and we both got different things from it.

Thankfully we both had the same view in terms of housework, nightfeeds, weekend lie ins, money etc.

Me not working has saved the state money. Pre and young DC's DH and I were basic rate taxpayers and received child benefit and tax credits. My giving up PAID work enabled DH to progress at work. He now earns more than our previous salaries combined, is a high rate taxpayer and therefore receive no child benefits. I don't expect the respect of others for my choices, I do however expect them to respect my choice.

Working mums are capable of raising decent well brought up kids too! I think it's that sort of thing that causes the frankly tedious endless sahm v Wohm arguments on here. People make different decisions based on their family. Not whether they are valuable to society. Value to society often leads to asking for state renumeration for being a sahm which will mean people who have to work to pay the bills and who have to be away from their own children effectively paying extra tax to pay for women who often can only afford to sah because their husband earns enough for them to live on one income.

Boxsets
I am far too ill to work. I don’t expect respect. People, who really know me and understand how ill I am and how much pain I’m in give me respect for continuing to stand up, keep going and more than adequately parenting my child. We aren’t all lady lunching and playing tennis.

Grandmaswagsbag Absolutely what I'm getting, thanks. I meant SAHMs aren't afforded a basic level of respect. The whole taxpaying thing always puzzles me as does it only work where someone is a net contributor to the system? What if you pay tax but also receive tonnes of tax credits?

raisedbyguineapigs
Cross post. Exactly. It isn’t a competition.

I've worked in the City for almost 20 years. Often on a big deal that means not going home for several days at a time.

Being at home with the toddler is honestly harder, in my personal opinion!!!

It doesn't matter what anyone else chooses to do, so long as you are happy with your own decisions. Why people feel that need to judge and pass comment on something so personal to someone else is beyond me.

I have rarely heard a man criticise SAHM , it's nearly always women

Raisedbyguineapigs i didn't say working mums didn't raise decent, well rounded kids? But apparently that only counts if you also go to work. And then get the 'actually someone else is raising your kids for you' bullshit. Paying tax isn't the only way to contribute to society!

Insecure people find it difficult to say X is good without also saying Y is bad. I enjoy working, and I don't have the patience to be a SAHP. There's pros and cons to both, I don't have any strong feelings about SAHP except it's not for me.

Comparison is not only the thief of joy, I think it's driven by either insecurity or competitiveness - I am the best mum, I have the best kids, I need to prove this by putting everyone else down.

I don’t know any SAHM’s who have asked for state remuneration for looking after their children? As I said above, as a SAHM I still pay tax, we have private healthcare and educate privately, we don’t receive any financial assistance from the state (not child benefit). DH (a top rate taxpayer) is the only one who provides me with any financial assistance, as is our choice.

Very very few people are net contributors to society.

All mums have to make the best choice for their particular circumstances, whether that be full time/part time work or being a sahm. But those of us who were single parents and had to work full time to pay the bills might feel we perhaps earned a little more respect than a sahm who only did half of what we had to face every day.
I was widowed with two babies, so had to be mother, father, housewife, breadwinner, and full time hospital doctor. Dropping half of that lot to lounge about at home would have been a luxury, but hardly worthy of respect!

I think as women we shouldn’t accept this and I think you have a point op.

Women are just constantly judged. Whatever choices they make they are judged.

Let’s start by not joining in.

I'm a carer, technically, as my daughter is disabled, but I'd say to most people that I'm a SAHM. The job I was working in prior to deciding to SAH was really flexible, close to home, used my educating... but the work made me feel quite uncomfortable as I felt that it was quite ethically dubious. I wasn't really helping anyone... I was making some very rich people a bit richer. I wasn't paying much tax either, as i was getting paid naff all!

I think it depends on demographic too. I was judged massively for going back to work because 90% of the mother’s I knew all stayed at home. I was judged doubly for my husband staying home with my second because that’s just not what men do!

Absolutely, SAHMs get a lot of shit on here, from what I've seen, a whole hell of a lot more than working mums. You see, the working mum goes to work yet apparently, astonishingly, still does all of the childcare AND runs the house, all from work! Wow!
Working mums are great, but when some (not all!) are spouting verbal diarrhoea it gets tiresome fast. This meme thing that I saw on FaceFuck the other day just about sums up the vitriol aimed towards SAHMs.

Is it only how many hours of paid work people do that deserves them respect? What about people who look after disabled children/elderly relatives, do volunteer work, give to charity, help those in need? Should they not get respect as they don’t pay tax?

Babdoc

You deserve every respect for the tough decisions and paths you have taken and I bet 99.9% of women would totally respect you. You don’t need to lash out at women although I expect you must feel bloody angry sad and frustrated at your path being so much harder.

Just imagine the flak I get, I don't work and I don't even have kids! At least my husband will be safe from all you working women who find a man with a little lady at home deeply unattractive :)

Its really none of their business, who cares if they don't respect you. While some people do valuable work there are also a lot of non-jobs out there and people who only feel validated if they are a manager or team leader even if they only earn £15,000 a year.

I think previous posters are correct when they say that others feel threatened by people who make different choices to them and feel validated when others mirror what they do. Its human nature and understandable, the goal is to rise above it all and do your own thing regardless.