To believe kids are equal to adults

[DragonMummy1418]

They deserve the same treatment.
Their feelings are just as important as adults.

My parents told me that our home was a dictatorship not a democracy growing up and made me feel that my thoughts and opinions were not important or valid.
If it's something they can have a say in safely then I let my dc help make choices.

I went food shopping with my mother (who I am LC with) and 3.5 yr old DS today and she was appalled that I was letting my DS have a say in what we bought.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not letting him fill the trolly with ice cream and sweets but when it comes to a choice of which meat or which vegetables etc then I'm happy to let him pick what he likes and I know he will eat.

My mother was horrified when I said that I value DS's feelings and thoughts on the same level as my DH or hers (probably more than hers, lol).

I genuinely prefer the company of my child to a lot of adults I know.

I think ‘equal’ is difficult to define in these circumstances- in the sense that children have valid thoughts and feeling yes, in the sense they have equal say in decisions, no.
I work in a school and the amount of rudeness and disrespect I get off kids who think every tiny thing is up for negotiation is ridiculous. As in, “for the nth time stop turning round to talk to Goldilocks” “ (whiny voice) but miss whhhyyyy, i need to TELL HER something, it’s not faaiiiiir!!!”. I do not consider school kids to be my equal in this scenario, they need to listen to me and do what I tell them. Does my head in.

@CantankerousCamel

It is abusive if they have tried it and don't like it. You wouldn't force feed an adult food they don't like, so what makes it acceptable to do it to DC?

PinguDance Amen and these idiots are the reason why generation snow flake can’t be told can’t ever have their views challenged lest they retreat to their safe space

They are told their view is always valid
That it’s must be taken seriously
And always taken into account

to quote Chris rock no one gives a fuck about you or your views once you step outside the house

Sadly many young people simply don’t learn this

CalF force feeding is abusive - I don't see anyone advocating it though!

@Metoodear

Nonsense. Every view is valid but that doesn't make opposing views any less valid. The DC, DH and I will discuss and then come to an agreement on things. Not a safe space, which I agree are wrong.

If they like pork but not salmon, for example, why would I disregard their preferences?

because they need a varied and balanced diet and we must eat fish from time to time, that's why. Adults eat what they don't like, because it's healthy or because it's polite.

CalF123 I hope you are not seriously considering parents taking their kids to the zoo instead of play park as "abusive"? You know that "abused" kids are bitten up, raped, starved and sometimes killed? You do know that abused kids are terrorised and have no childhood?

Tonight I am being abusive as dd has moaned that we’re having broad beans and she hates broad beans. Oh, if only I had called her down and we’d looked in the freezer together, debated the merits of various vegetables and I had listened to and respected her opinion.

Fuck that. It’s broad beans.

You wouldn't force feed an adult food they don't like, so what makes it acceptable to do it to DC?

You should teach your children to eat to live, not live to eat. Unless allergies and food physically making you throw up, it's never too early to learn to eat healthily, like it or not.

Of course children and adults are equal? Of equal value? Yes absolutely.
However, for me that doesn’t mean allowing my children to make all the decisions regarding their physical, intellectual, social and emotional well-being. DH and I do that in varying degrees until they reach adulthood - but we do allow our children myriad of choice within a clearly structured set of boundaries. That doesn’t make them any less equal....simply that they’re more vulnerable when they are still learning and growing.
We don’t have many set rules as a family, but the ones we do have are important and non negotiable.
I don’t get angry very often or feel the need to discipline endlessly because most stuff isn’t actually that important.

CALF

one of my children refuses to eat anything with ‘sauce’

That doesn’t mean we have stopped making food without sauce, we still (shock horror) give him food with sauce, he can at least try it or he gets nothing else.

This is not ‘child abuse’ this is parenting

My parents never gave us any choices. We ate mince three times a week, a meal I could barely choke down. We were given porridge, which my younger brother could not choke down, but he'd be made to eat it, till he started throwing it back up into the bowl. Saying you can't chose between pork and salmon is not abuse!!

Luisa27

To you

What’s important to me may not be be important to you me visa Versa

Wow lots of interesting replies!
I think we are all crossing over on what we mean by equal.

By equal I mean feelings and emotions.

We as humans are all equal in value but we all have different levels of comprehension and ability to make sensible and learned decisions. A mentally handicapped person may have less ability to make decisions for them-self than an 8 year old might, we all still have the same value.

I will always listen and value what my child says but if it's something unsuitable or dangerous like he wants to play with daddy's PlayStation game or he wants to go in the bath on his own or he wants to stay up late then I explain the reasons behind our decision instead of just giving him a blanket - 'no because I said so and I'm the parent so I don't have to give a reason' kind of reply which is all I got growing up and again I hated it and it made me feel that my feelings and sometimes I myself weren't important.

I guess giving my dc confidence and self worth is where I am coming from with this.

I totally agree, I used to cringe when an ex-friend, used to say me and DH are having steak for dinner, DC are having sausages! To me it seemed so wrong, we always have the same dinner.

Op didn’t say value she said equal

You wouldn't force feed an adult food they don't like, so what makes it acceptable to do it to DC?

I make tea. Meat, veg, potatoes.

Dc say they don’t like broad beans.

I say fine. But a) they stay on your plate, and b) you have to at least try one.

If they don’t like it, fine. I’m not force feeding, but neither are they dictating what i cook.

Meetoo- i think you have completely misread my post. I don’t like biscuits, but thank you.

a) "child, it's hot, drink water"
"no, I am not thirsty"
"drink water now"
"I don't like water"
"DRINK WATER NOW and that's the end of it"

Child drinks water. Good parenting

b) "child, drink water, it's hot and you are running around"
"no, I don't like water"
"fine, my darling, you make your own choice, good for you"

Child end up dehydrated with a headache, or with bladder infection. Or rotten teeth because he chose squash or fizzy drink. Bad parent.

@Metoo - quite

What’s your point?

.....absolutely Dragonmummy

Well said

DRAGON

Adult and child feelings are not equal.

My children act as if the world is ending because they’re having their hair washed, or they get into a grump at the beginning of a lovely day out and need to be told to snap out of it, or they go absolutely monumentally crazy because things haven’t gone exactly as they’ve planned.

Being a good parent, i make sure they snap out of shit moods before it ruins the day for them and us and I also make them aware of their boundaries because as children they don’t know them yet.

I am equal to my boss in a human sense, but they still make the rules. It is the same with children and parents, I think.

I love this thread....it’s so interesting reading the spectrum of views/ parenting styles. Good topic OP

Cantankerous -

Children tantrum because they don't know how to deal with those emotions yet, it's a learnt skill the same as walking and talking but a lot more complex, I don't know about you but I still struggle with my emotions sometimes.

Doesn't mean they are less valid in their feelings because it isn't how we'd expect a 'rational' reply. Just means as someone with more experience at managing those emotions, I will try my best to stay calm and talk through it with them.

Merrymouse indeed I couldn't, I meant I wouldn't just serve it for him for tea every night. Probably not the best example tbf lol but my point was we can be equal without me having to pander to his every whim. That's not equality.

My children are not equal
do not have equal day and their view doesn’t carry equal weight yes even my teens
The two sentences aren't the same.

My son doesn't get equal say and their view doesn't carry equal weight for the stuff that as adults we need to take control of. He is equally valued, important and loved.