Don't call her gorgeous!!

[gidddyasakipper]

I found this really sad, but maybe I'm in the wrong???

I was stood on the pavement outside a cafe waiting for my food order. It was a glorious sunny day in a tourist village so there were loads of people milling about. My 9mo baby girl in her pram.
A man (late 30s?) walked over carrying a toddler. He said his dd wanted to look at the baby. A little bit of small talk followed in which I introduced my baby to the toddler. I asked how old his dd was (22 months) and said to her, "hello lovely, aren't you gorgeous!"

The man looked me sternly in the eyes and said, "oh no, don't tell her that, language like that ruins them!"

AIBU to find this quite sad?

I work with children, I have lots of friends with children. I often use language like this. This is the first time I've come across this kind of attitude and I must admit I thought he was joking and laughed in his face.

My father always picked up what was wrong with my appearance or results, or speech, or whatever. He seemed to delight in pointing out spots or that I'd put on weight. My head whipped round so hard that I nearly got whiplash at his funeral when the minister said how proud he was of me.

The result is that I hate to catch sight of my face or body in the mirror or a photo because of my ugliness. As a teenager, I used to daydream about intensive plastic surgery.

Tell your children lovely things; make them feel worthwhile . I don't think I've ever been called gorgeous; I was ugly even as a baby.

He was a twit.

That's really sad to read TooManyPaws I hope you can realise that it was your father who had an ugly attitude, it wasn't you.

There's a world of difference between telling a child they're gorgeous and making their self worth all about their looks.

Word of affections are vital for building a child's self worth and letting him/her know they are loved. Word of affections come in many forms.

Children can be told they're kind and clever and brave and still be told they're gorgeous.

That man sounds like a joyless sort of individual. Poor little girl.

I agree pigs it's probably quite damaging to go to the extreme of banning reference to appearance completely. I think feeling confident in your own skin and having a good self image is something to be encouraged.

It's just silly you can't exactly tell a what a child's personality is in passing so saying they are gorgeous, is literally commenting on what you can see. I have an 11month old baby who is gorgeous and she is regularly complimented. I say thank you. She is also hilarious, head strong and intelligent, but who would know that just by looking at her?? Imagine this man's reaction if you said his baby was a duckling who would grow up to be a swan 😂

I'm not sure how you are meant to compliment someone you have just met on how clever or kind they are unless you actually see them doing something clever or kind in which case, it's probably what you would comment on.

I've come across a similar thing before so if I must comment on looks I try to avoid pretty or handsome. My go to is usually something like "what a glorious smile" or something about their t-shirt or dress etc.

I still remember meeting an old friend of my mum's when I was in my 20s and her saying to my mum "oh this can't be little wax! you were such a pretty little thing"... soooo, what am I now?

TooManyPaws

Exactly the same here, My dad used to love pointing out my 'flaws' as an adolescent, my spots, my 'fat' thighs, my lack of breast tissue, etc, he's stopped now I'm 27 with two of my own children. To this day I still obsess over my thighs, even though they're really quite small. People don't seem to understand the affect this kind of bullshit can have.

I can't see whats wrong with calling her gorgeous, all little toddlers who are being excited over babies are gorgeous. Its not about how they look, its just really cute.

I don't think there is anything wrong with complimenting a child on their looks anyway, as long as it isn't the only thing you ever compliment them on.

*My parents didn't tell me that I was gorgeous or pretty.

I think I've found this quite liberating. I don't wear make-up or agonise a lot about my appearance.*

My Dad told me I was beautiful all the time. I don't wear make up or agonise over my appearance either because I am happy with how i look so I don't need to.

The man was rather rude, but there is a lot of that about...just refer to children as being delightful, if they appear to be pleasant in any way...or horrific if they look troublesome !! You may need to move quickly if you say the latter though

People manage to have conversations with boys all the time without commenting on their hair or looks.

Strange.

Yes. Its sad. And by ruin them I suspect he means women who know they are attractive, better to let them think they aren't.

And the ones who grow up never being complimented on how they look develop significant issues, think they are unattractive, can't understand why no one ever said it.

I feel sorry for that little girl. I wonder how he treats rhe mother.

People manage to have conversations with boys all the time without commenting on their hair or looks.

Not really, some will some wont. I had boys, plenty of people called them handsome or gorgeous or cute or said they were going to be a heartbreaker when they grew up - probably more than ever told them they liked their car etc. People comment on boys looks just as much when they are babies/toddlers/pre school.

Jennie, do you think your daughter is pretty? Why have you never told her?

I tell my daughter she is smart, clever, funny, beautiful,pretty, loved, the lot. And always have done, I want her to have high self esteem. If as her mother I don't tell her, who the fuck will? And will she believe them if she never heard it growing up?

Every parent should think their daughter beautiful and should aim to give her self esteem and confidence growing up. Not just in ability and intelligence. But in looks too Becayse looks are important. Especially in thr teen years and when trying to attract a partner. Thinking youre unattractive is never going to help you.

Tell your daughter she is beautiful. She looks pretty as well as all the other good things. It won't kill you.

A child growing up never being told they are beautiful would possibly seek validation from elsewhere; friends, from other men or on social media. The issue isn't side stepped unless this father wants to keep her detained in an ivory tower.

My DSs have both had bad acne, one has significant scarring which has knocked his self esteem to rock bottom. It's a hard road building that up. We are waiting to find out of he will qualify for laser treatment. I tell him that it's not as noticeable as he thinks and that he is a handsome boy and that his skin is not the first thing that anyone would notice about him, it would be his gorgeous eyes and his lips. It would be brilliant if he heard this from someone other than me though. Other Ds is really tall and self conscious, we were in getting a fitting for a suit and an older couple were telling him how brilliant he looked and his posture improved in an instant. i could have cried. never underestimate how much a compliment from a stranger means. I try to give at least one a day.

When you think about it, that's a really admirable attitude - particularly from a man. I suppose sexism really does start as young as that. I've always felt uncomfortable about the 'little man' expression myself (or is that just me....?)

I don't actually like the word pretty. It seems chocolate boxy and fluffy. Beautiful is complicated too. It implies either something manufactured or conforming to some set of rules about the right kind of eyes, nose, mouth etc. I know that my daughter feels loved and at times when she's a bit unsure I remind her of this. (I think looking at my daughter - especially when she's happy doing something - gives me pleasure. But I think that's more because of maternal love, than anything to do with her hair or her profile or something like that.)

I can't imagine having a daughter and never taking her shopping, getting a manicure, or telling her she's pretty. That seems a bit joyless

I was that child. My upbringing lead to self harm and an eating disorder.

My 3 year old DD gets told how gorgeous/pretty/lovely she is a lot. She's got a sort of Victorian-doll look, that older ladies especially love. She gets shy and looks the other way when she's complimented on her looks, though I have certainly given her no reason to. I receive compliments on her behalf graciously.

If someone compliments her on how well she speaks, or how clever she is she is bouncing about with joy. I don't know why, or what the significance is, I just wanted to post. People of all ages take greater or less pride in different things, even at ages when we would expect them not to.

Whilst I agree a little girl shouldn’t be brought up being judged by her appearance, I hardly think that one comment by a stranger at the age of 22 months would stick with her.

But it isn’t just one comment, it’s many comments at that age from strangers and known people. Most people thought ds was a girl until he was 2ish (no hair contributed to this) and he constantly got comments. Dd also did and does. These things do have an impact over time.

I am very anti gender stereotyping yet I still found myself with a barely verbal baby dd who had learnt to go and show her daddy her outfit for that day - because we generally showed more interest and complimented her appearance than we did ds. And I thought I was actively working to avoid that!

Of course the answer wasn’t to stop complimenting dd, but to also compliment ds. But it really isn’t the same and I regularly hear myself tell ds he looks “cool” while dd gets “pretty” “gorgeous” etc.

These things matter (but I still probably wouldn’t have taken a stranger to task about it, though am slightly impressed if people do).

You're overthinking it Jennie Beauty doesn't have to conform to any particular ideal. It's about embracing what you have. You have beautiful hair, a beautiful smile or whatever just instils confidence in that person.

Oh and dd (4) now tells me how important to her it is to look pretty, and gets sad if she thinks she doesn’t. Of course I tell her kindness is the most important thing, but she picks up all the messages society gives her and that is that little girls should be pretty.

I don't reckon I was thinking about it at all until this thread started. Calling her beautiful is just not something I did. Or do. (It wasn't that I wanted to, but held back.) But our relationship and her confidence both seem fine. (We do bond quite a lot over arguing about books and also when cooking and discussing food. I think she went and got her eyebrows done - or something like that, with her boyfriend's mother - who only has sons - and they had a good time)

ridiculous - but their are some strange folk out there....