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AIBU?

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Original poster

Don't call her gorgeous!!

177 replies

gidddyasakipper · 21/05/2018 15:48

I found this really sad, but maybe I'm in the wrong???

I was stood on the pavement outside a cafe waiting for my food order. It was a glorious sunny day in a tourist village so there were loads of people milling about. My 9mo baby girl in her pram.
A man (late 30s?) walked over carrying a toddler. He said his dd wanted to look at the baby. A little bit of small talk followed in which I introduced my baby to the toddler. I asked how old his dd was (22 months) and said to her, "hello lovely, aren't you gorgeous!"

The man looked me sternly in the eyes and said, "oh no, don't tell her that, language like that ruins them!"

AIBU to find this quite sad?

I work with children, I have lots of friends with children. I often use language like this. This is the first time I've come across this kind of attitude and I must admit I thought he was joking and laughed in his face.

OP posts:
LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 21/05/2018 17:03

Silly man. I call both my dcs gorgeous, pretty, beautiful etc all the time. Although admittedly I may have overdone it - I was pushing my ds on the swing last week and he told me to push him from the front 'so you can see my beautiful face'! Hmm

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 21/05/2018 17:04

I can hardly believe this occurred. What a rude way to react to a stranger. He's teaching his dd no manners that's for sure.

He's clearly jealous because nobody approaches him to tell him he's a lovely gorgeous boy and he thinks he's a bit of a looker. Grin

I've been telling my husband he's gorgeous for 20 years. He must be damaged beyond repair by now. Confused

AsAProfessionalFekko · 21/05/2018 17:05

I usually call dogs gorgeous too. Oh dear am I giving them a complex?

namechangerstranger · 21/05/2018 17:06

What a weirdo.. you can't see clever.

I can't even think of a comeback to that. I would of been Confused

It's a friendly thing to say something. Like funky top, love your hair.

I'd love someone to call my DC gorgeous, as obviously they are and more people should recognise that officially Grin

KellyMarieTunstall2 · 21/05/2018 17:07

That is very sad. YANBU some people are just so cranky.

snowagain · 21/05/2018 17:07

YANBU. What a miserable twat he sounds.

What kind of grumpy arse do you have to be to be offended at someone calling your baby gorgeous? Confused

I remember posting a message on twitter describing a certain female star as gorgeous, and it had 100 'favorites' as people thought it was a nice thing to say. But one person came on and said 'how shallow are you? She is not just 'good looking' you know.' I said ' I never said she WAS just good looking!'

Definition of GORGEOUS: spectacular, splendid, superb, wonderful, grand, impressive, awe-inspiring, awesome, astounding, astonishing, amazing, stunning, breathtaking, stupendous, incredible, good-looking, attractive, nice-looking, handsome, lovely, beautiful, pretty.'

So no it DOESN'T just mean pretty or good looking.

NotAgainYoda · 21/05/2018 17:07

As long as you would refer to a boy in exactly the same way, I think it's fine.

silkpyjamasallday · 21/05/2018 17:13

I wouldn’t pull anyone else up on it, I regularly get told by strangers that DD is ‘beautiful/gorgeous/stunning’ and of course as her mother I agree, but personally I try to praise her strength, intellect, kindness,humour, bravery etc. As I think society does place far too much emphasis on the appearance of women and girls - and I think that is damaging. I accept there isn’t much you can say about tiny babies other than complementing how cute they are, regardless of the baby’s sex. I want DDs appearance to be right down on the list of qualities she is happy to have, an obsession with her looks isn’t something I want to encourage when she is so so much more than that.

sycamore54321 · 21/05/2018 17:14

I think the Facebook one is a bit different though. You could post a sentence of text highlighting the good results and people will comment on only that. But when you add the photograph, then on the visual times we live in, people will not unsurprisingly comment on the photo itself. So if you want exclusive focus on the content, don't put up the photo.

snowagain · 21/05/2018 17:19

I personally say exactly the same things about little boys.

Can't see it matters a JOT if you don't though.

evilharpy · 21/05/2018 17:27

Sigh. I use the G word to refer to my daughter, friends' babies (male and female), my elderly mum, my cats, and random dogs I meet out and about.

I hope I'm not emotionally damaging all the doggies.

biscuitraider · 21/05/2018 17:32

It's a bloody mine field what you can and can't say now isn't it. How simple life used to be. I miss the old days.

MissMoneyPlant · 21/05/2018 17:34

snowagain
I personally say exactly the same things about little boys. Can't see it matters a JOT if you don't though.

Well, the weight of research in this area is against you, I'm afraid.

clumsyduck · 21/05/2018 17:36

I understand the idea of not placing importance soley on looks however you are a stranger who dois any know anything about the child and just made a nice comment .
Ridiculous man

clumsyduck · 21/05/2018 17:36

Doesn't *

Ceebs85 · 21/05/2018 17:40

I can totally understand parents wishes around wanting to praise other features than physical appearance but to be so rigid about it that others can't compliment is weird. Also think it's quite rude.

I would also worry that being so militant about it would only serve to make an insecure child when the opposite is intended

Coyoacan · 21/05/2018 17:42

I would say that being told I was pretty as a little kid (which I was) did cause me problems, because (a) it made me feel like being pretty was something important and that I'd somehow achieved something because people thought it about me, and (b) when I grew up into a fairly normal-looking older child and teen I was devastated that people didn't routinely say it to me any more, because it was something I'd attached such weight to

Interesting, because my dd was complimented a lot on her looks as a child and I never did, for the reasons you give her. I did not want her to confuse her value with her looks. However, as an adult she told me that because I never told her she was pretty it had caused her to think she wasn't and she had had problems with this.

We do our best but each head is a world of its own.

didofido · 21/05/2018 17:48

I've trying to think how I could greet an unknown baby (or animal?) not to offend. "Hello my lovely" No. "Hi sweetie-pie" No. "Good morning er.. child (or dog)" That'll be it then.
How ridiculous.

Helmetbymidnight · 21/05/2018 17:53

Of course he’s being ridiculous.

However, there is a point-

Having ds and ddvvery close in age I really see how people- lovely well meaning people- treat them v differently. Dd is complemented on her looks and clothes, ds is complemented on his sports and what he does.

It starts v young.

Original poster
gidddyasakipper · 21/05/2018 17:57

As long as you would refer to a boy in exactly the same way, I think it's fine.

Oh but I do!
And my baby GIRL gets told she's gorgeous, clever, beautiful, cheeky, strong ..... daily.

It's interesting hearing the different perspectives, but I'm still feeling that the man was a bit of a div!!!! I was in no position to comment on any other attribute of this child (and I call all babies gorgeous regardless of their gender or aesthetics)

If a child only or mostly ever got complimented on their looks then obviously this would be inappropriate, but I'm sure there's plenty of adults in this child's world who are in a better position to tell her how talented/strong/articulate/or indeed average age is!!!!

OP posts:
frankiestein401 · 21/05/2018 17:58

friend's daughter was albino, walking down the street with her when a baby/infant was to run a gauntlet of strangers saying how beautiful she was, what wonderful hair etc.
she was exceptionally pretty, but albinism meant she is now registered blind and her life expectancy is crap and her mum knew that was the prognosis from birth.
constant compliments were just twisting a knife.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/05/2018 18:36

Don't see any problem, gorgeous is another word for lovely, which could be used to describe babies of both sexes. Funny man.

gingerbeardlove · 21/05/2018 18:44

my mum never ever said I was pretty or beautiful or clever or anything she show led love in many other ways and was an amazing mother however in deeply insecure about my looks in particular even though I get complimented by others.
I tell my children they are beautiful but pit more emphasis on how clever resourceful thoughtful etc they are.

bridgetreilly · 21/05/2018 18:46

There is a weird thing about not telling girls they are pretty. I totally agree that it shouldn't be the only thing we praise girls for, but it's equally harmful never to tell them that they are pretty.

TheFirstMrsDV · 21/05/2018 18:49

I have four boys, one girl
DD did get told a lot how beautiful she was because she was. She was astounding.
But my boys get told they are beautiful/handsome/gorgeous too.
I have worked with children and families for ages. I spend my days telling children how beautiful etc they are
Kids are gorgeous. They just are.

If you walked up to a random kid who was standing doing nothing and told them how clever they are they would think you a nutter.
Being 'clever' isn't the be all and end all anyway.

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