Don't call her gorgeous!!

[gidddyasakipper]

I found this really sad, but maybe I'm in the wrong???

I was stood on the pavement outside a cafe waiting for my food order. It was a glorious sunny day in a tourist village so there were loads of people milling about. My 9mo baby girl in her pram.
A man (late 30s?) walked over carrying a toddler. He said his dd wanted to look at the baby. A little bit of small talk followed in which I introduced my baby to the toddler. I asked how old his dd was (22 months) and said to her, "hello lovely, aren't you gorgeous!"
The man looked me sternly in the eyes and said, "oh no, don't tell her that, language like that ruins them!"

AIBU to find this quite sad?

I work with children, I have lots of friends with children. I often use language like this. This is the first time I've come across this kind of attitude and I must admit I thought he was joking and laughed in his face.

[TheKarateKitty]

He’s ridiculous. I understand that he wants her to know there’s more to her than physical appearance. To say a compliment from a stranger will ruin her is laughable.
In any case, people will think and say things he may not like. It’s his job as parent to teach her what’s important, it’s not going to get done policing what other people say.

[Jane32]

My totally ‘feminist’ neighbours daughter celebrated her graduation in law and posted some beautiful photos on FB. This girl is smart (obviously) AND gorgeous. The trouble is she has no confidence in her looks whatsoever. Why? Simply because she grew up with parents who believed girls should never be complimented on their looks as they are worth so much more. They never stopped to think that one day their daughter would grow up to be the smartest girl in her class and yet to this day believes she is too fat (she’s like a rake) too tall and needs a nose job. She has friends who are not beautiful in the classical sense,yet they believe they are due to being told so by their parents. As such they are far more confident in day to day life with and without makeup. Incidentally this neighbors daughter trowels the makeup on in shovels,much to her parents disgust. As the old saying goes, go figure!

[gidddyasakipper]

Really!!!!!!
I'm +1ing!!!!

[Guacamole2506]

...and the thread has made it to loose women😂

[beansforbreakfastonceagain]

They're discussing this on Loose Women just now.

[Abbylee]

Oops! Doubt that i was petty. I meant my mother never said I was pretty but i was. However, I thought I was crazy bc she told me I wasn't. Repeatedly.

[Abbylee]

I am late to this party but i hope that some people hear me. PLEASE tell your child thst their physical looks are nice, pretty, handsome, etc.

Mine didn't. I was actually very petty but didn't know it. My mother told me, "i didn't wantt you to be vain." "Men will ask anyone out, don't be flattered or think you're pretty. They just want one thing." "Pretty is as pretty does. Pumpkin face"

Well, I had extremely low self esteem. She used to pick out my physical features and list my faults. I was damaged by this and chose abusive relationships.

I tell my children they are handsome and beautiful and they are. I've seen men trip to get a,better look at dd. It annoys both of us but she's confident and her looks are not her vanity. I've taught her that it's one aspect of her personality.

Her brother and I want to fix her up with another young man who is aalso a head turner. Ds says he also takes good looks humbly and is good humored.

Myself? I was so grateful that anyone asked me out that i picked horrible men until I went to therapy and discovered self esteem.

I knew I was smart, but i wanted to be pretty. I wish I had had confidence back then.

Pretty is not a sin and people need confidence that they are good enough. I didn't and it was a difficult and painful time.

[dawnmist]

All children are gorgeous, the fool obviously doesnt know the true meaning of the word.

[kateandme]

i think for a young child gorgeous just captrues them exactly how they should be seen.as a whole.its not pretty nose or beautiful ears or gorgeous legs lol.its just a gorgeous human.and anyone can be called that and should be no matter if they have the "good looks" its just there whole demeanor the sunshine shining off them is ovely and gorgeous.
we are the ones sometimes I think making it wrong.by doing exactly as some do and telling people not to say itesepcailly in situations like this. we have to be the ones to teach our child the meaning of these words and how close to hold them and nourish them in every other sense.so that they don't get hung up when called this.just as they wont get hung up if called something not so flattering.how we nurture them is how they will then go and feel it.is their sensitivities on the inside that will negate how they react to it.and what it feels like either good or bad.

[Confusedbeetle]

You could not know whether the baby was clever. Kind or strong. Its up to those that know the child to balance values. Not strangers. People take good principles and make them ridiculous. This should be about the way you bring up children. Not kind social exchanges of strangets

[Leapfrog44]

'pretty' 'a princess' etc are best avoided but gorgeous can be meant in a way that doesn't just pertain to looks so he may have been a bit over the top..

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Is it the fact that she's a little girl? While I totally understand that we must not value looks over all the other qualities girls and women have, it's perfectly natural to refer to any child, girl or boy, as gorgeous or lovely. I refer to baby/ toddler girls and boys very similarly and don't think twice about it. And with my own, I always tell them they're wonderful both inside and out - as well as clever, funny, kind etc. I think positive words are crucial for building confidence and self esteem. What a strange reaction from the man op. Yanbu.

[JennieLee]

I think my reading of Mumsnet has convinced me that most people do care considerably more about how things look than I do. The cleaning threads. Also the 'style and beauty' threads. There was one the other day about someone who wanted a rucksack type bag because lugging stuff round in her current bag was really hurting her hip. But she didn't want to look like a student. So people were suggesting fashionable makes. And my inward reaction was, 'If you've got physical aches and have to carry stuff around, get a proper pack. Go to a decent walking shop where the staff know what they're doing and get a proper daysack with padding and shoulder supports. Take physical care of your self, like a sensible grown up.' It didn't seem like the sort of advice that was wanted. But perhaps it was the sort of advice that was needed.'

I think over-focusing on appearance can make people very unhappy. Enjoying reading can make people very happy. I'd like women and girls to be happier though how this is to be achieved is a complicated business.

[RoadToRivendell]

I think I'm just a scruffier more chilled out person - books and hand-me-downs.

Oh, see, we don't have any books here.

Your last post is unbearably sanctimonious.

[didofido]

WhoWants2Know - How very dare you! Sheep can be gorgeous too, in a brainless, odd-eyed, panicky sort of way....

[JennieLee]

I've brought up three children - two stepchildren. One boy and two girls altogether. There have been lots of affectionate nicknames but both my husband and I have not done praise that is associated with appearance. We've never discussed this. It's just something we have in common.

Some of it might be being rather intellectually focused. (But then we don't talk a lot about cleverness either.)

For some people how their homes are decorated, their furniture and the brands they buy and their clothing and make up, and the way in which they've honed and altered their body is a huge part of their identity. So it's natural when giving praise to give our visual compliments

I think I'm just a scruffier more chilled out person - books and hand-me-downs. I don't care as much or in the same way. I live in my head more perhaps. It's quite liberating. (If I've passed a bit of that on to any of the children I've brought up then I'm pleased about that.)

[Glassofredandapackofcrisps]

Reading these comments some are absolutely ridiculous.
I'm the mother of a little girl who plays in mud gets filthy but also wears pretty dresses.
I'll be telling her she's gorgeous and pretty because she is and because it's important to girls but I'll also be instilling the value of education and kindness.
Is there some sort of rule I don't know about that says we must be one way or the other?
Why not some middle ground!

[FreshHorizons]

Ridiculous! Ignore and carry on as usual.

[RoadToRivendell]

Actually, Jenny, I agree with you re: the word pretty, I don't tend to use it either, I could have better said 'beautiful'.

[RoadToRivendell]

"You are fantastic looking, but focusing on it too much could negatively affect other areas of your life. KNOW you are great and stay focused on achieving"
Okay Roundtheworld, I'll say that to the next toddler I come across. That'll go down well.




Or, hello you gorgeous little dumpling

[Teacher22]

It is in PC to praise children, especially girls (if one is allowed to say girls any more), as this implies women are only valued for their looks which, in turn, makes them vain and needy instead of focusing on their other abilities.

I think a bit of common sense is needed here, however, as when a stranger praises a ‘gorgeous’ child it is a piece of politeness and is meant well.

[WhoWants2Know]

"Hello Gorgeous" is something that I would possibly say to a small child. But it's also how I greet any dog that approaches me, ever. Or cat. And probably horses, cows, monkeys and an occasional llama.

Not sheep, though.

[Broken11Girl]

I don't find 'gorgeous' sexual or even really about appearance. It's just a term of affection people use for kids. Interchangeable with sweetie, lovey etc. I call my nieces gorgeous. I wouldn't call them pretty, since as a feminist I wouldn't want them to put too much importance on appearance. I also call my cat gorgeous

[strawberrisc]

What a twatmuffin.

[CountArthursgroupie]

"You are fantastic looking, but focusing on it too much could negatively affect other areas of your life. KNOW you are great and stay focused on achieving"
Okay Roundtheworld, I'll say that to the next toddler I come across. That'll go down well.