Don't call her gorgeous!!

[gidddyasakipper]

I found this really sad, but maybe I'm in the wrong???

I was stood on the pavement outside a cafe waiting for my food order. It was a glorious sunny day in a tourist village so there were loads of people milling about. My 9mo baby girl in her pram.
A man (late 30s?) walked over carrying a toddler. He said his dd wanted to look at the baby. A little bit of small talk followed in which I introduced my baby to the toddler. I asked how old his dd was (22 months) and said to her, "hello lovely, aren't you gorgeous!"

The man looked me sternly in the eyes and said, "oh no, don't tell her that, language like that ruins them!"

AIBU to find this quite sad?

I work with children, I have lots of friends with children. I often use language like this. This is the first time I've come across this kind of attitude and I must admit I thought he was joking and laughed in his face.

A celebrity posted about how angry he was at someone commenting on his daughters lovely appearance and he kindly asked them to recognise how clever, thoughtful a kind she was instead.

How is a person in the street supposed to know that - she might be a complete little ratbag for all anyone else knows.

I will continue to follow my own advice not to say AT ALL about or to people's children I come across in the supermarket or going about my daily business. The amount of stuff I have read on here and elsewhere criticising the most genuine of compliments/remarks people have made to and about children for years - well let's just say I have learned my lesson. Silent and stony-faced, that's me.

I called a puppy gorgeous yesterday. I wonder if that's acceptable or not.

Noooo - you'll ruin her!!

Well polite social conventions dictate you say somethinh and aknowkedge the baby. But at that age you can hardly comment on their amazing conversational skills or intellectual ability. Gorgeous is just something people say so it sounds like he was being deliberately confrontational. Glad you laughed it off.

I don't think he meant it in a feminist way. I think he is the type that thinks compliments of any kind make kids think too much of themselves only to have a big fall when not everyone thinks they are the best, cleverest, prettiest etc

Not my opinion but have met many who think that way

@InsomniacAnonymous same.

Babies are gorgeous
Animals are gorgeous
Views of the countryside are gorgeous...

I don't think YABU, but I can see how some would consider it to be an issue to call a girl gorgeous (even though all babies are!)

@kaitlinktm that was my point. I didn't agree with what was posted

Absolute nonsense, poor child.

I call my nieces and nephews gorgeous ‘hi gorgeous girl’ ‘thanks gorgeous boy’ etc but I also say it to friends, DP, the dog etc, it’s just a term of endearment for me, I use ‘lovely’ in the same way. I do also make a point of complimenting behaviour and effort etc in the children, particularly my niece as she is particularly gorgeous/pretty so her mum tries hard to focus on her being kind, or Brave, strong etc so I try to do the same.

I’m with Heddy quoted by @MarthaArthur - everyone should be told they are beautiful. I had the following conversation with my 6 year old nephew when he’d picked some flowers (weeds!) for me.

• ‘thanks they are beautiful’
• and you’re beautiful Auntie Grape
• and you are VERY beautiful
• really, everyone’s beautiful aren’t they?

It makes me melt every time I remember it. We tell him he’s gorgeous/handsome/ beautiful all the time and he certainly isn’t ruined, he’s the sweetest, kindest and most thoughtful boy you could imagine, and we tell him that too!

But we call all sorts of things gorgeous - I've certainly said it about a dessert and a cocktail or two!

I believe it telling all children they're gorgeous, even if they're really not. In fact, the less they are, the more I believe in telling them they are. And only an idiot (or a Kardashian) would think that their appearance was the only thing worth commenting on. The problem is that if you don't actually know that a three month old baby is wise and compassionate, you have to go with his/her physical attributes!

I do worry about this a bit. If I ever post pics of dd on FB people congratulate me on how gorgeous is. Like I had a role in it.

Slight tangent, but I am gearing myself up ready to cringe at all the GCSE/A level facebook posts in August where parents post a nice photo of their DD saying, "we're really proud of our DD who achieved xyz exam results today" and then all the comments below say things like "gorgeous pic", "beautiful daughter", "looking good" etc. Drives me mad every year. One year I went on a mission and added "well done, bright girl, what an achievement, you're so clever etc" under every post commenting on appearance

I do understand the point of discouraging using 'pretty' 'gorgeous' etc around girls (because girls are more likely to get comments about looks, boys about character), but I would never take a kind stranger to task about it! a) the baby's tiny and isn't going to know and b) it's just rather rude to someone who means well.

He's odd, I told my friend with a newborn son that his baby is beautiful and gorgeous, because he is.

yes my mother was firmly of the belief that children should not be praised in this way.
...

I call my son gorgeous and like a previous poster thought it meant all round wonderful, now I'm off to Google all the things I call him and my husband incase I'm objectifying them

I think with a baby it’s a very common thing to say to both baby boys and baby girls.

But, I have two boys and two girls. The FIRST thing every single person says to my girls when they walk in the door is about how they look and what they are wearing, that their hair looks lovely. That is completely different to my sons. They get ‘hey buddy, wow you’re strong. What are you making. You’re so big.’ Blah blah blah. So now my little impressionable girls preen and twirl at the age of 2 and 3 and show off their fucking clothes and my boys say ‘look at me’ as they jump off a chair and do a ninja roll.

Just check yourself the next time you say hello to a little girl. What’s the next thing you say? Ask yourself that.

I would have told him that how he told off a stranger would ruin her.

I remember when I was a little girl and someone told my mum I was pretty. That was 60 years ago and I still remember how nice I felt. My mum never told me things like that, ever.

He is being very bizarre!

I would say that being told I was pretty as a little kid (which I was) did cause me problems...

I am not disputing that but growing never being told you are 'pretty' isn't much fun either. It can lead to a lifetime of issues.

I think the problem is when girls are only praised on their looks.
Babies who are not cherished do not thrive.
When you have a newborn you tell them they are beautiful and you smile and touch them. We stroke their little faces and bodies.
This helps them develop and grow.

Children who do not get this sort of attention suffer serious consequences.

It seems to me that the parents who object to their children being praised for their looks are the ones who tend to have had the benefit of being loved and praised.

I think those of us who were not are the ones who find that attitude baffling.

Like a PP has said , my parents also didn’t believe in complimenting a child’s appearance - but they didn’t explain that to me. My mum batted off compliments from other people too.

So I grew up feeling ugly

If you subscribe to not making judgements based on appearance, do remember to explain it to your children and really, complimenting their appearance yourself occasionally (along with non-appearance characteristics) is the best, I think.

I don't see the problem. If you're brought up to take a compliment modestly and humbly, it can only be good for your seld esteem and body image. Unless it was the only thing anyone ever commented on, it just seems a nice thing to say!

I use 'hello gorgeous' to children in the same way I would use 'sweetie' or 'honey' or 'darling' or 'poppet'. I see it as a meaningless term of endearment used for either sex. I don't see it as a comment on a child's looks, it is an all round lovely cuddly childness.

What did he mean 'it ruins them' does ruin mean 'spoil'? Because you don't spoil a child by telling them they are nice. You can ruin a child's self esteem by telling them they are horrible though.

Don't change what you do and say because of one weird man - just because he said it, doesn;t make him right. I bet he isn't sitting at home thinking 'oh I told that woman off for saying gorgeous, but what if she is right and I am wrong about this term ?'.

I'd say gorgeous for both boys and girls. In the situation you describe, there isn't much else to go on.
I make sure I compliment my DD on her other attributes, because i don't want her to think that being attractive is the be all and end all.
But you can't really compliment on manners, kindness, sense of humour, cleverness and achievements if you haven't had any interaction with the child.
I also wouldn't comment on anyone complimenting my child.

I pity the child who doesn't have anyone telling him or her s/he's gorgeous every day.

What a misery guts.

If you don't know the child - like in the above scenario, then you can't comment on their witty personality or great conversational skills, so gorgeous would do and the dad was being a pretentious twit.

I tend to go with gorgeous or cute for all little ones, its the innocence in little children that has a gorgeous quality, not just the asthetically pleasing faces.