Don't call her gorgeous!!

[gidddyasakipper]

I found this really sad, but maybe I'm in the wrong???

I was stood on the pavement outside a cafe waiting for my food order. It was a glorious sunny day in a tourist village so there were loads of people milling about. My 9mo baby girl in her pram.
A man (late 30s?) walked over carrying a toddler. He said his dd wanted to look at the baby. A little bit of small talk followed in which I introduced my baby to the toddler. I asked how old his dd was (22 months) and said to her, "hello lovely, aren't you gorgeous!"
The man looked me sternly in the eyes and said, "oh no, don't tell her that, language like that ruins them!"

AIBU to find this quite sad?

I work with children, I have lots of friends with children. I often use language like this. This is the first time I've come across this kind of attitude and I must admit I thought he was joking and laughed in his face.

[snowagain]

@bridgetreilly

There is a weird thing about not telling girls they are pretty. I totally agree that it shouldn't be the only thing we praise girls for, but it's equally harmful never to tell them that they are pretty.

I know. It's fucking ridiculous. I mean, God forbid we compliment a woman or girl on her looks. SOOOOOO offensive and patronising and sexist. What monsters people are - telling a female she is physically attractive.

Jesus fucking wept.

[nooka]

I called my dd my gorgeous girl and my ds my beautiful boy and I think that the guy was being a bit odd, however having two very close in age children did give me the opportunity to see how very differently they were treated by strangers. dd always got comments about being pretty / having pretty clothes, which ds never received (granted as a little girl she was traditionally pretty being blond and blue eyed). They were both quite active children and so comments about him were focused on his running around, climbing things etc, the difference was really quite striking.

[MarshaBradyo]

I feel for the little girl if no one in her family can say something like gorgeous

[FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast]

"Being 'clever' isn't the be all and end all anyway."

shhhh ....this is mumsnet you know...:)

true though. I have one 'friend' and when we meet she always tells me how 'clever' her daughter is...when she knows well that my own daughter has LDs...

One day I am going to say,,,but at least she is not a ......(complete as appropriate)

[TheFirstMrsDV]

FourFried
Yeah, you get it

I don't want to be a pita and I have already been accused of ALWAYS going on about how fucking special my family is once on MN this week (that I know of anyway) but people don't think when they bang on about praising kids for their intellect instead of their beauty. Insisting we tell our kids how important it is to be clever etc.

I think people are complicating this stuff. We tend to praise our loved ones spontaneously unless we overthink it. Then we end up doing it too often (kids will start to ignore it) or not enough (kid's self esteem withers)

[TeeBee]

He sounds as though he is a feminist not wanting his child to be framed by the way she looks. Sometimes you can't win!

[AsAProfessionalFekko]

You are allowed to be a feminist and intelligent and gorgeous (preens in mirror).

[missyB1]

Ffs it was chit chat! The guy needs to bloody relax!

[snowagain]

@AsAProfessionalFekko

You are allowed to be a feminist and intelligent and gorgeous (preens in mirror.)

[RomeoBunny]

Sorry I feel the same as him. Whether you say it to a boy or a girl, why can't you just say "Hello little one, are you having a fun day?" or something just plain. Why does a primary interaction have to be based on physical attributes and faux compliments. You wouldn't say it to an adult, why say it to a child. Just talk to them normally ffs.

[Teeniemiff]

Whilst I agree a little girl shouldn’t be brought up being judged by her appearance, I hardly think that one comment by a stranger at the age of 22 months would stick with her. If it’s all she was to hear then yes I see how That could be a problem. But sounds like it’s not all that little girl would hear as her dad won’t let that be the case.
I tell my daughter she is gorgeous, and beautiful, pretty, clever, funny, caring, loving, polite, motiavted etc, I want her to have positive self esteem which obviously isn’t based solely on appearance.
When we see people we don’t know they often comment on how pretty she is, supermarket worker etc, but I wouldn’t say anything to them about it. I find that a little odd

[TheFirstMrsDV]

Just talk to them normally ffs

That is. normal ffs.

What is this mania for robbing children of childhood by treating them like adults?
Let them be kids
ffs.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

He said his dd wanted to look at the baby

I wonder what his daughter said about the baby? "Aww so cute, I love her dress/top/pretty hair" whatever. Or was he monitoring his daughter's language and giving her stern warnings to curb her damaging language too?

It's absurd and false to remove all appearance based comments. He's completely misinterpreted the (valid) idea that parents shouldn't focus entirely on their child's appearance.

If you are going to police stranger's well meaning comments and get all shirty about innocuous comments, then don't march over to strangers to introduce your toddler.

It's almost as if he invited the situation so he could get all huffy.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

people are complicating stuff

Yes in a nutshell. I feel the same about parents that choose not to say No to their children and insist their 2 year old has Free Choice at all times. Good luck when your toddler is 13.

I'm sure some parents think they've reinvented parenting or something.

[NotAnotherNoughtiesTune]

Bizarre.

You aren't going to compliment a 22 month olds humour or intelligence and you don't know them well enough to say how kind or thoughtful they are.

Yes over complimenting can be a bit much but honestly it's just a single compliment.

Also, when I say gorgeous I normally mean squee and generally cute including mannerisms, voice etc so it's not all about beauty.

[BuntyII]

YABU. She's his child and if he doesn't want strangers commenting on her appearance then fair enough.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

Sorry I think it's misguided. Short of wrapping his daughter in a bubble and not letting her interact with the public, how can he control what she hears? Will he rudely cut off anyone who says "what a gorgeous child, she has a beautiful smile/hair whatever? What sort of message is that for his child?

I read an interview with Dawn French a while ago and she was talking about her own confidence in her looks and body shape. She attributed her self confidence and ability to shrug off negative criticism to her father telling her she was beautiful everyday.

[Mammyloveswine]

I always call my boys "gorgeous, handsome, beautiful"... because they are stunners! My toddler is also a complete lunatic so i call him that too... he has friends who speak in full clear sentences and they're always getting told how clever they are. Makes me cringe a bit when someone then calls my toddler clever for using the word "orange" instead of just grunting and pointing at fruit, even though i know hee tried hard to say it! (Understanding all fine, he's under speech therapist so will see).

Anyway... maybe he just thinks she's ugly? (Joking!).

He sounds like a year

[RussellTheLoveMuscle]

"I was pushing my ds on the swing last week and he told me to push him from the front 'so you can see my beautiful face'!"

[MarshaBradyo]

I think it would be odd to grow up with someone who always cut people off and never said
I hope he explains why

[MarshaBradyo]

And it’s not like you’ll see eachother again so can’t learn from it as you would if he was family etc

[Rainydaydog]

He has modelled to his dd that it is fine to rudely correct a stranger. OP you should have replied "Thank you for mansplaining that."

[Dobbythesockelf]

Seems a bit odd to pull a stranger up on it, you didn't say anything rude. If he chooses never to compliment her on her looks thatvis his choice but is he really going to follow her around and stop every person that makes a comment on her looks. I would imagine that could be equally damaging if he doesn't explain it to the child. Every time someone says "aren't you pretty/cute/gorgeous etc" dad jumps in with "No we don't say that" another year or so and his dd will pick up on that.
My dd gets a lot of comments like this because she has lovely curly blonde hair that people can't seem to help themselves commenting on/touching. I tell her she is clever/funny etc as well as telling her she is beautiful. I have also told her it is ok to ask people not to touch her hair.

[ConciseandNice]

I’m obviously a weirdo, whenever I see someone who is gorgeous, I tell them. Whether they’re 4 or 44! I just think it’s nice. It makes my day to see a smily, freckly face or a cheeky laugh. People can be so delightful and it misses the point entirely to say you can’t call people or kids gorgeous without undermining them. Lovely faces no matter how plain to some, are gorgeous to others and it’s only good that people are told.

[StrangeLookingParasite]

I don't remember my mother ever complimenting me on anything related to me (nor my sisters, either). She was from the generation that believed that priasing your children would give them a big head, which was the worst thing ever.
It's a miserable way to live.