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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel really sad at not having a proper holiday this year

135 replies

happyclapper · 21/05/2018 14:05

At the risk of sounding like a 1st world problem I am really sad that my DP and 2 DS' s will not be having a proper holiday this year as well as last year.
It's not that I want to lie on a beach or do anything fancy . I'd be quite happy to do anything cheap and cheerful but DS 1 who is 15 has developed anxiety issues which have really got worse over the last 2 years to the point where we cannot enjoy family activities. Even going out for a coffee is very uncomfortable for him and when we went away for a few days last year it was very stressful and he was literally asking to go home every day.
I'm mostly sad that DS 2 who is 11 and very active will be sad as he has absolutely loved our holidays as DP and I both work hard and it is treasured family time. I suggested leaving DS1 at home with his grandparents which he would prefer but DP said he would not go without him. I know how he feels as it would be sad and his brother would miss him too.
We can't afford the sort of holiday that DS1 would be comfortable with, i.e a private villa with his own room so he can just join us when he feels ok.
Can't think of any solutions. Just want someone to tell me to stop dwelling on it I suppose but I feel like our family life has changed forever and these are the last few years before they will both be gone to make memories.
BTW just saw the start of the Grenfell enquiry which puts it in perspective!

OP posts:

SayImADreamer · 21/05/2018 14:07

Ummm i also felt that way at 15 its called being a teenager

Nikephorus · 21/05/2018 14:11

Your solution needs to involve helping DS with his anxiety issues so that you can all do a family holiday at some point. Dwelling on the lack of holiday risks making DS feel even more crap about his anxiety.

9amTrain · 21/05/2018 14:11

@SayImADreamer is it though?

SayImADreamer · 21/05/2018 14:13

@9amTrain
Id say a high proportion of teenagers feel very anxious, self conscious, insecure and unstable yeah.

The solution isnt a blanket ban on family holidays

RemainOptimistic · 21/05/2018 14:13

Why be held prisoner by anxiety? What sort of example are you setting here? DS needs to learn to manage his emotions and thoughts, not let it stop him participating in life.

Sorry if that sounds harsh!

I clicked on expecting it to be about not having enough money to go abroad, offering suggestions for holidaying on the cheap.

Seriously though please support DS to actively deal with this before it become an even bigger disadvantage for him.

Gu33s3inpark · 21/05/2018 14:15

Have you sought help and medical advice from GP, school other sources ? This is affecting your son and the family. What will happen when he leaves school ? Does your son belong to any clubs in or out of school ? Can you send your other child on adventure summer camp or holiday ?

vandrew4 · 21/05/2018 14:15

why don't you rent a gite so he can do his teenage moody thing in his own bedroom whenever he wants?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 21/05/2018 14:18

So what exactly is the anxiety issue?

He needs to be at home?
He wants his own room in a holiday villa?
He doesn't want to go on a cheapie Costa holiday with all the other pink holiday makers?

I think it would be easier to respond if we know more??

Blizzardagain · 21/05/2018 14:18

A lot of teenagers are like this. Myself included. I had issues with anxiety for years and honestly, looking back, the more my mum didn't revolve our plans around my anxiety, the better.

9amTrain · 21/05/2018 14:19

@SayImADreamer I agree anxiety can be normal, but not being able to even go for a coffee sounds like it's more than that

Nikephorus · 21/05/2018 14:21

If DS finds going out for a coffee hard then this isn't a case of telling him to suck it up & tag along. He needs proper help. Most teenagers don't struggle going out for a coffee. He's not being moody.
Do people a, read the thread and b, even try and understand what anxiety is like?

Laiste · 21/05/2018 14:22

We can't afford the sort of holiday that DS1 would be comfortable with, i.e a private villa with his own room so he can just join us when he feels ok.

Hotel? Tavelodge? Rented cottage? They all have a room he can go to if he feels the need. Why can it only be a room in a 'private villa'?

annandale · 21/05/2018 14:22

So this sounds like agoraphobia? Or is he hearing voices which get worse in crowds? What actually happens if he does things that are difficult? Panic attacks, meltdowns?

Is treatment having any effect? Is he still on waiting lists?

How about camping somewhere really remote?

Bluelady · 21/05/2018 14:23

He's really got you wrapped round his little finger, OP. The entire family doesn't get a holiday because one member has anxiety issues. I'd be going with your suggestion of going without him, bet the issues are better next year when he sees the rest of you have had a whale of a time without him.

Rufustheyawningreindeer · 21/05/2018 14:23

happy

I honestly feel your 'pain'

Dd has been diagnosed with a few issues and really doesn't feel up to a family holiday this year

And thats fine obviously, i want her to be happy but it does feel very, very weird

If she feels better by August we might try and do a last minute thing but that probably won't happen either

We both need to women up and stop worrying about it

Can you do anything nice as a family with the money you will save on a holiday?

Altwoo · 21/05/2018 14:24

What about booking a cheap air bnb somewhere? He would still be able to have his own space that way.

Rufustheyawningreindeer · 21/05/2018 14:25

I just posted without reading some of the replies

Fuck me what is wrong with some of you people??

Topseyt · 21/05/2018 14:26

I think the blanket ban on a family holiday is very unfair on you and the rest of the family.

We've had some fairly reasonable prices on good sized apartments or other properties abroad through Owners Direct. Plenty of room for everyone who needed their own space.

I too have a teenager who has had anxiety issues, but she joined in with the rest of the family and was otherwise quite happy mucking around either by herself or with her sisters. Nobody needed to miss out.

reallybadidea · 21/05/2018 14:28

It's really unfair that your other child is missing out because of their sibling's difficulties. In all likelihood their daily life is already impacted; I really think the three of you should go away, without the anxious child if necessary. Make it just the two of you if your dp refuses.

dancinfeet · 21/05/2018 14:32

Wouldn't all teenagers love a private villa with their own room? Other people can be a nuisance on holiday, but unfortunately they are part and parcel of taking a package type holiday - not many people can afford something exclusively for their own family's use.
I think the best option would be to leave him at home with his grandparents.

Why should your other child miss out? Your eldest is controlling the situation at the moment. You and your DH need to take back control of the situation as the adults and not let a child dictate what you can or cannot do. I would give him the options of either:
A - coming with you, and putting up and shutting up. (as in, you will not have the holiday revolving around him and his wants)
or
B - stay home with grandparents whilst the three of you go off and have a lovely time without him.
Sorry, but I would say stop punishing your other child and let the one who has a problem deal with the problem. And if your OH wants to pander to him, book something for yourself and your youngest.
You don't have a holiday problem, you have a teenager problem.

Merryoldgoat · 21/05/2018 14:32

What treatment is he getting? How is it affecting everyday life (school etc)?

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 21/05/2018 14:34

Take DS2 away for a few days and leave DP and DS1 at home. DS2 would probably love a couple of days of 1:1 with you.

Tentomidnight · 21/05/2018 14:35

Book the holiday you want to go on as a family, then take your DS to the GP for help and support for his anxiety.

I don’t mean to sound glib - my eldest teenage DC has ASD and anxiety, and these manifest in testing ways before and during family holidays. Overall the good always far outweighs the bad though.

Please don’t put your lives on hold!

Rufustheyawningreindeer · 21/05/2018 14:37

What zibbidoo and other have mentioned sounds good

Its also whether this is a one off this year or whether its going to happen every year

Hopefully you will be able to go on a family holiday next year if he gets some help

Furano · 21/05/2018 14:38

Go without him. Why should your younger child miss out any more than he already is?

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