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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really sad at not having a proper holiday this year

135 replies

happyclapper · 21/05/2018 14:05

At the risk of sounding like a 1st world problem I am really sad that my DP and 2 DS' s will not be having a proper holiday this year as well as last year.
It's not that I want to lie on a beach or do anything fancy . I'd be quite happy to do anything cheap and cheerful but DS 1 who is 15 has developed anxiety issues which have really got worse over the last 2 years to the point where we cannot enjoy family activities. Even going out for a coffee is very uncomfortable for him and when we went away for a few days last year it was very stressful and he was literally asking to go home every day.
I'm mostly sad that DS 2 who is 11 and very active will be sad as he has absolutely loved our holidays as DP and I both work hard and it is treasured family time. I suggested leaving DS1 at home with his grandparents which he would prefer but DP said he would not go without him. I know how he feels as it would be sad and his brother would miss him too.
We can't afford the sort of holiday that DS1 would be comfortable with, i.e a private villa with his own room so he can just join us when he feels ok.
Can't think of any solutions. Just want someone to tell me to stop dwelling on it I suppose but I feel like our family life has changed forever and these are the last few years before they will both be gone to make memories.
BTW just saw the start of the Grenfell enquiry which puts it in perspective!

OP posts:
kateandme · 21/05/2018 15:41

also make sure you keep talking it through as a family is essential.so no one over hears whispers or sighs through closed doors.
keep it open that you no dc is struggling so is he feeling ok youll go do some stuff with other dc but he Is more than welcome and you need him to come to you as soon as he wants to try something
make sure other dc knows not to resent his bro that its a really thing hes struggling with so needs sympathy and a army behind him to get through it.that youll have to give and take but no love is great for one it just needs muddling through and you might all make mistakes or get it wrong but as a family your trying here.

postcardsfrom · 21/05/2018 15:51

If he doesn’t want to go in family holidays - and a lot of 15 year olds don’t - then I would redefine what a family holiday is for you. Speak to your DH - if the 15 year won’t come then he won’t, as others have said here are lots of options where he can have his own room that won’t bankrupt you but if he’s going to drip about not wanting to do anything and hiding in his room then that it’ll bring its own stresses. Leave him at home, he’ll be happy, get DH to see that this is actually fairly normal tenneage behaviour. Or leave them both and home and take the little one away yourself and have some quality time. Somewhere there’s other kids for him to muck about with the pool.

postcardsfrom · 21/05/2018 15:54

I have/ had social anxiety. I went where I was told though and spent most of the time hiding in my room or walking around on my own. My parents were worried about how ‘odd’ I was but weren’t going to let it ruin everything for other DCs. Making him go will help IMHO he doesn’t get to opt out of life - he’ll need to develop coping mechanisms.

MirriVan · 21/05/2018 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dwellerfromunderthesink · 21/05/2018 15:59

Such a difficult situation and I really feel for you and your DC. The problem is the more you avoid what makes you anxious, the more impossible it becomes in your mind. One of the ways to get through it is to do the anxiety provoking thing as much as possible so it becomes easier. Would it be do able to start with something really small but helpful, such as a trip to a local cafe for his favourite treat. And to not dwell on it but deal with it very matter of factly and calmly?

Is he getting any support from anyone to manage his anxiety? If it’s not possible to gradually work up from small outings to half days etc, then I’d get whatever support your GP can suggest. There’s also a charity called Young Minds which you might have heard of and it’s worth checking out their website if you havent already, to see if there’s anything they can offer or other help/strategies.

It’s not a first world problem and you have every right to feel sad and to want your son to feel more able to manage his anxiety. Hopefully with help that time will come.

Witchend · 21/05/2018 16:01

Why does it have to be a private villa? Self catering cottages in the UK can be perfectly reasonably priced and he can choose each day whether to come with you or not.

MumofBoysx2 · 21/05/2018 16:02

Is it the crowds of people he is anxious about? Could you rent a really private cottage somewhere he can spend a lot of time indoors but not worry too much about other people? You could take it in turns to take your other child out for trips, or he might even want to come to some of them if he feels the pressure is off?

EssentialHummus · 21/05/2018 16:02

Talk to him - what kind of holiday would he like, if the anxiety wasn’t constraining him? You may be able to find something that suits everyone.

MirriVan · 21/05/2018 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarbaraofSevillle · 21/05/2018 16:03

Or a caravan park in a quiet location in the UK where you can go for walks on the beach or in the woods etc?

MumofBoysx2 · 21/05/2018 16:03

I meant to say spend time indoors or outdoors. We rented a lovely cottage in Cornwall once and it was really private.

Original poster
happyclapper · 21/05/2018 16:07

Thank you so much Fleshmarket, Crunchy and First Step. That is just what I wanted to hear I think. Because we made him do things in the past not realising he was actually suffering I feel reluctant to force him to do stuff now but I think you are right.
Sounds like you have a great routine sorted Fleshmarket. (Feels very weird calling you that.)
I had thought of something remote like that but don't know if it would be too quiet for DS11.

OP posts:
susurration · 21/05/2018 16:09

Goodness me, some of the responses here are so horrible. Clearly from people who have never dealt with crippling anxiety disorder.

I think the only way to help the situation is to make sure he is having appropriate medical treatment, so counselling and possibly some anti-anxiety medication. At 15 I was put on propanolol to help my anxiety symptoms. Involve your son in the discussion about family holidays too, see how he feels about you all going away, or possibly going without him. It might be a relief to him for you all to go and he stay with grandparents. He may be worrying himself about the effect on the rest of you.

Nikephorus · 21/05/2018 16:10

What help are you getting him?

Original poster
happyclapper · 21/05/2018 16:19

Thank you all for being so supportive. I had kind of convinced myself that I had to come up with a miracle holiday that would take us back to the lovely times we had when they were younger but I guess that's not posdibke.
We went away for a short caravan break last summer and again this Easter as he could have his own room and be left while we did things around the caravan park.
He hardly came out of his room and when we did make him come out for a short time it was very tense.
DP looses patience with him as it is just so opposite to how he is and how DS2 is. It's outside of his experience and I think he doesnt want to go without him as he feels guilty.
DS2 adores his dad so going without him us is not an option. I think it may just have to be a caravan again or cottage and we will just have to try and carry on as normal.
At Easter the night before we went he refused to go and I tried to arrange for a fAmily member to come and stay with him without success. I eventually bribed him to come by saying he could have 2 days off school when we got back. DP never knew......he would have been furious. We did say we would never do it again but like you say it's not fair on DS2.

OP posts:
Original poster
happyclapper · 21/05/2018 16:21

He had tried some CBT but he wouldn't engage properly do it didn't really work. He is waiting to start counselling.

OP posts:
Nikephorus · 21/05/2018 16:31

CBT for anxiety isn't the easiest thing on the planet. Fingers crossed the counselling has more effect. It's not going to help matters if DP is losing patience with him - best way to make things worse. Anxiety is shit. It takes over your whole mind, it blurs any clarity in your thought process, it's scary but you don't know what the hell you're scared of, it's just bloody awful. He needs help with it, not the pressure of a holiday and getting to feel like a failure if he struggles or makes it difficult for the rest of you.

TuTru · 21/05/2018 16:32

I feel sad every year about it.
My DP doesn’t seem to give a shit and any extra money we earn he spends on himself, which is what makes me sad tbh.

susurration · 21/05/2018 16:52

I think you shouldn't and don't need to beat yourself up about this. It's an illness and like any other illness you all need to find appropriate coping mechanisms. I struggle terribly with holidays, and sometimes I can convince myself to just do it for my husband's sake but not always. I think something to talk about together as a family is how the anxiety is not his fault, nor is it anyone else's and how he can't just snap out of it.

Two further thoughts:

I found CBT next to useless for my anxiety. It's all very well to try to change the way I think and react but my anxiety is stronger than my will sometimes and it just became another thing to beat myself over the head with. I've found EMDR much more useful as a treatment, as well as talking therapy. My friend has had CFT (compassion focused therapy) for her anxiety and also found that better than CBT.

Avoidance is not ideal, but finding a coping mechanism to make the thing possible is. Next week i'm taking my own duvet with me for familiarity. It helps my anxiety attacks to just be able to lie down with my own duvet that smells of home, to make me feel safer. Can you ask him what you can take with you on holiday to make him feel safer and help him cope better? What are his coping mechanisms at home and are you able to replicate them on holiday?

Original poster
happyclapper · 21/05/2018 17:24

That's horrible TuTru. Does he know how you feel?

OP posts:
DuchyDuke · 21/05/2018 17:30

If you have someone he can stay with, you could go with your other kids. Anxiety is terrible but you mustn’t let it ruin your other kids’ lives too.

sweetboykit · 21/05/2018 17:32

Do you think he might have autism?

Original poster
happyclapper · 21/05/2018 17:33

Susuration, thank you for your reply. Really interesting to hear that CBT hadn't worked for you either as I think we both felt like we'd failed.
Will definitely look into EMDR. So difficult to get a teenage boy to engage incanything they don't want to though. Good tips about taking familiar comforting things too.
I'm only just beginning to understand how he feels I think.
I'm afraid I thought it was all a big ploy to stay in his room and play on the Xbox but I can see now it's much more than that.
Hopefully the Psychologist DP found will help as he has written books in anxiety in teenage boys and seems to be an expert.
Wish I could get DP to be a bit more understanding.

OP posts:
elliejjtiny · 21/05/2018 17:49

I don't have any advice but I understand. I have dc with disabilities which has made holidays impossible over the last few years.

ICantCopeAnymore · 21/05/2018 17:49

Some of the comments on this are disgusting.

I have severe anxiety and PTSD and sometimes I can't stand up from my bed, let alone go outside. A holiday would be impossible.

I can't just pull myself together, or carry on with life. Avoidance is the only thing I CAN do. I've had CBT, didn't work. It doesn't tend to work for severe mental illness.

Your DH needs to recognise that he has an illness. I'm sure he wouldn't be pressuring him or losing his patience with him if he couldn't go out due to having cancer.

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