To feel really sad at not having a proper holiday this year

[happyclapper]

At the risk of sounding like a 1st world problem I am really sad that my DP and 2 DS' s will not be having a proper holiday this year as well as last year.
It's not that I want to lie on a beach or do anything fancy . I'd be quite happy to do anything cheap and cheerful but DS 1 who is 15 has developed anxiety issues which have really got worse over the last 2 years to the point where we cannot enjoy family activities. Even going out for a coffee is very uncomfortable for him and when we went away for a few days last year it was very stressful and he was literally asking to go home every day.
I'm mostly sad that DS 2 who is 11 and very active will be sad as he has absolutely loved our holidays as DP and I both work hard and it is treasured family time. I suggested leaving DS1 at home with his grandparents which he would prefer but DP said he would not go without him. I know how he feels as it would be sad and his brother would miss him too.
We can't afford the sort of holiday that DS1 would be comfortable with, i.e a private villa with his own room so he can just join us when he feels ok.
Can't think of any solutions. Just want someone to tell me to stop dwelling on it I suppose but I feel like our family life has changed forever and these are the last few years before they will both be gone to make memories.
BTW just saw the start of the Grenfell enquiry which puts it in perspective!

Well then DP stays at home with the 15 yr old and you and the 11 yr old go away. You cannot have him missing out like this, it just isn't fair. You also need to look at getting your 15 yr old help with his anxiety as it has become debilitating.

Go with DS.

DD and I went on holiday last year and had a blast. DS and OH stayed home.
DD loves a hot beach holiday, DS hates the heat.

Easy to say take him to the GP. That isn't the difficult bit: it's accessing any proper effective help. This can be a long time coming. I wouldn't want to leave an anxious 15-year-old alone at home while I jaunted off on holiday either.
Maybe have some conversations about one of you taking the younger DC away for a few days and see how he reacts? Try not to focus too much on the pressure to make memories.

I have a dd15 with ASD and out of school with anxiety. I've just booked a holiday cottage on the west coast of Scotland. I fully expect there will be challenges but we will work round them like we have done in previous years. If you really do allow their world to become smaller and smaller it gets harder and harder for them to challenge it.
Compromises here would be only one trip out a day, plenty of time back at the cottage with her own room and wifi. Eat out only at off peak times and in places where she has seen the menu first. Plenty of stuff on her phone and headphones to distract herself whilst out and on bad days nothing more taxing than a walk with the dog on a remote beach.
Yes it might not be action packed and full of excitement but we all get something from it and dd feels a sense of achievement when she manages even small steps.

The worst thing you can do for anxiety is give in to it. It makes it worse. Take him away for a few days.

Personally I wouldn’t let family life revolve around his mh problems and I say that as someone who has suffered my entire life.

Rent somewhere and let him stay in the whole time if he doesn’t want to go out but by allowing his problems to take centre stage, you risk making them a bigger deal than they are.

I say that as someone who has issues with anxiety. I drunk half a bottle of wine to get on a train at 10 am. I can now get on trains reasonably okay. Letting your world get smaller means your anxieties simply transfer to other things. It is how people become housebound.
So I always worry when I hear that people who have done something are going to avoid it because it made them anxious.
And any help will recommend pushing your comfort zone. Yes that will include ways to cope such as doing easy things when away, listening to music on headphones, etc - whatever helps. But mental health help will never recommend avoiding doing things.

Leave him at home with DP. Take DS2 away for a few days.

My entire childhood revolved around my DF's mh issues and we missed out on a lot

Yeah can't you take 11yo for a long weekend camping or something? It seems sad for him to miss out!

No please don't leave him at home. Take him away with you. Deal with the fact that he may say every day he wants to go home. But regard it as treatment.
A friend actually was housebound because of anxiety. Mental health workers got him to first all of stand by the front door with the door closed. Then stand there with the door open. Then take a step outside, etc.
Too often well meaning relatives and friends want to avoid someone they love feeling anxious or having panic attacks. Instead professionals will push them. Yes not too much. So you wouldn't go on holiday to India for example, that can be difficult in terms of sensory overload. But you would go somewhere fairly easy and stress free,.

does he really have anxiety or would he just rather be at home, in his room than out with his family?

What treatment is he getting - and does he manage to go to school?

And if somewhere private with his own room is all that is required - what about renting a cottage in the UK?

My daughter has historically been a fucking nightmare on holiday because of anxiety; she just can’t cope with the change in her surroundings. We have got round this by buying a caravan of our own, so that we take her bedroom with us and when she’s struggling, we’re still on a great site somewhere in France (usually) with a pool, or swimming lake, but she can retreat into familiar territory.

I can’t tell you the difference it’s made; we spent most of last summer touring France in the sunshine, with only the very occasional meltdown.

DD does have LD and epilepsy too though.

Apologies if it's already been suggested, I didn't see it, but how about Centre Parks? You're out in the woodland so you can be active with DS2 but DS1 can stay in the chalet on his own? (Not his OWN chalet, just his room which is no different to home?)

We used to go loads, even when I was in my moody teenage years, and I loved having the place to myself to just sit and watch TV. My parents went out and enjoyed the nature bit!

I think you can pander too much to anxiety. Don't get me wrong, it's a very, very real and very debilitating MH issue. And it's natural to want to shield your beloved son from anything that makes him feel bad. But life is going to throw new places and new people and new situations at him - he will not be able to avoid this. Some degree of exposure to change - with the right support and planning - can actually be helpful in building resilience. If you constantly give in to it, how is he going to learn to cope?

I'm assuming he's already in counselling - naturally, you will already have him in weekly sessions to help him - so get him to work with his counsellor on preparing for a new environment. Book an Airbnb where he can have his own space. - you don't need a private villa to do this, a much cheaper flat somewhere will be fine.

Insist he comes away, but choose a holiday that will allow his daily routines to continue as much as possible: His own room, internet access etc. Choose self catering but near within reach of a town for takeaways, deli's etc so you get a break from cooking and meal planning, without him having the stress of crowded family chain pubs for meals. I'd also insist that he comes on a few outings (maybe walks, trips to a quiet beach etc), but allow him to stay behind at your accommodation if he can't face a busy theme park. Travelling by car will be easier than getting a flight, and your money will go further in say, Wales or the easy coast rather than Cornwall or the Lake District.

Allowing him to dictate the families holiday (or lack of) is unhealthy and not helping him to deal with his anxiety.

I agree with @crunchymint Wise advice to not avoid. Avoidance doesn't treat anxiety, it exacerbates it.

Do you have any help or advice with it?

Eurocamp? Or is that too young? Looks like they have caravans so a 3 bed one might be an option, drive to one in France maybe so you have the familiar vehicle for him and still get some sun/warmth.

You cannot pander to anxiety and I say this as someone with GAD. You have to push it a little.

A tent with his own "bedroom" may be a good compromise. When I was fifteen, my parents and siblings all slept in the caravan and I pitched a tent next to it, for privacy and control issues, but I didn't get to stop the entire family from having a holiday.

I agree with everyone else, by not going anywhere your younger son misses out which isn't fair. You also need to push the older one, harsh as that may seem. This may escalate to where he won't leave the house or even his room, I've seen this happen. He is at an age with lots of changes about to happen such as leaving school, going on to work, college ect. You won't be doing him any favours by enabling him even though it must be so hard. Are you getting medical treatment for him? CBT or anything?

some people.having anxiety as in the illness disabling anxiety is not anything you can ever "just get over it" with.it can be all overpowering all smothering all life altering.jeees the compassion in some people.it depresses me how the world can still be like this with certain disorders.
I would always encrouage you to keep trying.locked in himself I gaurentee there will be the boy that would love to go on holiday if he could.so each time go to him and ask him if therr is ways you can think of to help him cope.so as a family if this is what you have to cope with as a family is there anything you can all do to accomadate this situation. could there be a safe room made for him.code words if hes struggling.downlaoding loads of movies or music to help.buying one of those tents for kids and putting it somewhere only he can go into. the daftest sounding things can help.sometimes.and sometimes nothing will.
there will though be the time he think he might be able to .so never ever stop asking or trying. otherwise it fees the disorder and make it worse.it make the behaviour and the not going the norm instead of the other way round.
is there a park near.or really nice hotel.or even a local pub or bnb.something litereally 10 minutes away that you could go to.we went to the local marriot.in the same town. and it meant she was close to home yet we got treated to time out.different surrounding.the other dc got to use the spa and swim and she just sat on the huuuuuge beds and watched tv.went bout her usual routines etc.it was great because at night.there was vening meal then all in the bedrooms together and giggling.
otherwise if you rally cant.then do anything and everything you can.small walks.cooking.time out from the anxiety of the anxiety.
don't let it be smothering for you too.get yourself out,reading good books.
could you sleep in the garden.take you other dc out.bike rides picnic or just get them doing what they want to do.
perhaps you could get together and write a list of all you want to do this summer.try and tick some off.for both the dcs as anxiety might stop him bbut it might help him see he can still do and have fun with a few things even if it wanting to finish a painting or collecting book from the library.
cook together.do a three course meal and mess around.
don't stop smiling.this is really tough and I think part of the missing the holiday is infact sadness for how things have become in ur lives with such a nasty little buggery shitty anxiety ruining things.and that's hard.suffering is hard.it isn't you though and it isn't your dc its something your all suffering with.not you.
don't give up.
does your dc want help
mindfulness techniques can be life changing if hes willing.
do you know why this came about?a trigger?
is there anything you can still achieve.having both dcs feeling good about themselves is so important at times like this.
don't feel overwhelmed with this nor feel bad for it hurting.this isn't firs tworld problems its a family going through tough sometimes painful things and wanting it to be different and that ok.

But if he struggles going for a coffee then what is dragging him on holiday going to achieve? It's going to ramp up his anxiety. And it's going to give him the message that he just has to fit in with everyone else regardless. Get him help first, then think about a holiday.

kateandme Finally someone who isn't seeing it as a 'tell him to pull himself together' situation!

What does DS1 say about the type of holiday he would feel comfortable with, given that a private villa is outside your budget? But then, if he can't go out for coffee, getting on a plane is going to be difficult isn't it?

Have you looked at Jet2villas. They seem to have some affordable options, depending on your budget.

Or there are lots of bungalow complexes in Lanzarote that bridge the gap between hotels/apartments and large expensive villas.

If DS1 doesn't want to go away, could you take time off and do a 'holiday at home' with some day trips and quality family time with as little as possible in the way of housework etc. Get takeaways or whatever nice treaty food they like.

Maybe you take the younger DS away for a couple of days and DP stay at home with the older one?

Or what about a forest lodge type holiday in the UK?

I think you need to not allow him to dictate and essentially stealing a childhood experience off of his brother. You need to make sure that you and ds2 don't suffer.
I have anxiety. But I can tell you what my mum and dad's reaction would have been to my saying no holiday....