To feel really sad at not having a proper holiday this year

[happyclapper]

At the risk of sounding like a 1st world problem I am really sad that my DP and 2 DS' s will not be having a proper holiday this year as well as last year.
It's not that I want to lie on a beach or do anything fancy . I'd be quite happy to do anything cheap and cheerful but DS 1 who is 15 has developed anxiety issues which have really got worse over the last 2 years to the point where we cannot enjoy family activities. Even going out for a coffee is very uncomfortable for him and when we went away for a few days last year it was very stressful and he was literally asking to go home every day.
I'm mostly sad that DS 2 who is 11 and very active will be sad as he has absolutely loved our holidays as DP and I both work hard and it is treasured family time. I suggested leaving DS1 at home with his grandparents which he would prefer but DP said he would not go without him. I know how he feels as it would be sad and his brother would miss him too.
We can't afford the sort of holiday that DS1 would be comfortable with, i.e a private villa with his own room so he can just join us when he feels ok.
Can't think of any solutions. Just want someone to tell me to stop dwelling on it I suppose but I feel like our family life has changed forever and these are the last few years before they will both be gone to make memories.
BTW just saw the start of the Grenfell enquiry which puts it in perspective!

Camping would be his worst nightmare...and DP!

You don't need a holiday every year do you? Why not book a villa holiday for next year and pay towards it.

I dont mean to be cruel but your massively overreacting. My DS is 16 autistic and suffers from massive anxiety issues about loads including holidays. He wont be able to sleep doesnt like change ect ect. We have even been on a recent course provided by hospital pyschologists that say you shouldnt be doing this. Their advice is to go on holiday but to lower your expectations of what it will be like. Will he hate it maybe will he stay in his room instead of going out with you. Maybe but thats ok baby steps with him joining in but family life needs to go on not stop. Encourage him to come out of his room for an hour then leave him to it for the rest of the day and dont make it about you. Sorry but we all do this a bit as parents. I wont enjoy my holiday as he will be anxious. You have to move past that part its important

I'm sure you are right. It's just that we treated him like a stroppy teenager for a couple of years as that's what we thought it was. He now says that some of the things we made him do were the worst experiences of his life and I feel really guilty. Like attending family events, going for days out to London etc. They used to end in huge rows .He has started opening up to me more about how he feels and I want to be supportive and show him I understand. If I cant offer him something he might enjoy he will just refuse to come and I will feel like Ive let him down as ve will end uo staying in his bedroom for tge sumner break. We need a break for DS2 sake who is very understanding of DS1 and goes out of his way to make allowances for him. E.g. DS1's only passion is the cinema which we usually take him to without DS2. If we can persuade him to let DS2 come it is on the condition that he does not eat or drink anything because of the sounds that would make. DS2 happily goes along to make sure DS1 doesn't get stressed bless him.

My DS has autism and he loves remote holidays with animals. He also loves waterparks and ziplining. Anxiety can also be strange in that it maybe easy for him to do things you think he would find hard and really hard to do things the average person finds easy. Maybe ask him about different activities see what reaction you get or ask him if there's anything he really wants to do - sometimes if you want to do something that badly you can overcome the anxiety though when people are really bad even getting dressed is a challenge. I'm not too sure the best places in the UK but if you think he might like any of these things can have another think. We did Arola Bears in Finland where you see bears in the wild and go canoeing and stay in a chalet. Scotland may have something remote with wildlife, Norfolk has seals but there are other people on the boats. I think Cardigan Bay and Cornwall have seals etc too.

I was that teenager, OP. (really need to change my username!)

I went through a situation 33 days before my first trip abroad, which had taken years of saving. This situation triggered my anxiety to the point I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder. I was 14, then.

Have you talked to your son? I ask because my parents' first instinct was to cancel the trip, and I will be eternally grateful they didn't. What is it that he fears? What can be done to ease a trip?

This is me: My phobia is about vomit. These things help me: Taking an anti-emetic before a flight, sleeping through it so I don't hear/smell someone being sick, self catering so I don't have to try strange foods.

I would also consider medication. I've been on ADs since I was 8 and it makes an enormous difference. It can take a while to find one that works; I've been through half a dozen until one worked, not to mention a few months before you can know if it will work on not.

Also, could a benzodiazepane be a solution short term? They need to be very carefully monitored because of possible addiction, but it works within minutes, so they are fantastic for panic attacks.

Don't give up on your son, ok? It will get better.

Ok now you are mentioning ASD, I would not give the same advice I gave before.

If it is change making him anxious, rather than anxiety making him anxious, you may need to carry familiarity with you and recode a family holiday to make it accessable for him

My 15 year old ds1 has anxiety but also adhd, and autism. we go to the same holiday cottage in Wales every year. We bring his duvet from home and we stick to the same computer schedule as at home. We don't eat out, I only cook so that I can keep all meals the same as at home.

But ds2 (12) gets to go to the beach, and rockpooling, and out for icecream.

Sorry Penguns, he had no interest in the outdoors or animals at all. He is more into modern architecture, films (majorly) and gaming ( surprise).
Desperate, will only use medication with a huge amount of caution. I take AD's but they make you so bad initially. Don't know if he can cope with that.

Hmm that's more tricky. Cottages.com have holiday cottages with private pools in UK though this is the cheapest there is for summer, has own 22 metre pool for private use. www.bookcottages.com/cottages/100-UKC3140-buttercup-cottage.htm#empty

Not sure what area is like or cottage, there's more choice with a higher budget but next one up is about twice cost of this

He really does sound like he could be on the autistic spectrum OP. The sensory issues are a big red flag.

It's really unfair that your other child is missing out because of their sibling's difficulties. In all likelihood their daily life is already impacted; I really think the three of you should go away, without the anxious child if necessary. Make it just the two of you if your dp refuses

Agreed. I really feel for your second child here. He's being held hostage to his brother's issues. Many siblings in this situation grow up to massively resent the sibling with the issues. It's not the affected child's fault that they have problems, but it's certainly not the unaffected sibling's fault either, yet they often end up bearing the brunt of it.

In this situation I would definitely be taking DC2 away on a holiday, leaving DC1 and DH at home if necessary.

What does your DS2 want to do? I always feel so sorry for the siblings in these situations, who seem pushed to the margins of their own lives by a sibling who is consuming their parents’ attention and dictating the childhood of the other children as well as their own.

I know no-one chooses anxiety, but as the parent, you need to make choices for the wellbeing of DS2 as well - and sometimes that is going to not suit DS1. Will you always prioritise DS1?

I would book a really great holiday for one parent and DS2 with plenty of access to activities so that he can be excited and busy and just be a child without the stresses of home for a while.

Listen if he is on the spectrum they can focus in on the negative. So my son has anxiety about sleeping away from home and when he was little I didnt realise how bad. Since I have whenever me and my DP have been away for a weekend we have askes family to look after the kids at our house rather than him having to sleep out. Hes now 16 if I go away he will remind me of the time he was 6 and I made him stay at my mums and he didnt sleep for a full weekend and felt sick.
My point he wont forget the trips to London ect now anyway it wont help not going on holiday. Just find the least awful thing for him that you can afford and you will all enjoy and dont expect him to suddenly enjoy it. Just accept it for what it is and move forward.
We are going on holiday here. Yes I know you dont want to but were a family and we all want too but whilst we are there we will do whatever we can within reason to make it easier for you.

My DSS has anxiety and he tries to dictate what everyone around him does as a result. DH used to pander to it and bend over backwards to accommodate him but it seemed like everything we did was at the detriment of everyone else in the family and he just made bigger demands everytime. In the end we started to just ignore him and book stuff that everyone else wanted to do. If he chose to come, he was welcome but if not, he didn't have to. All this "anxiety" caused months of deliberating holiday destinations that DSS1 would tolerate. Then decided to just ignore him and booked New York - funny how his anxiety all of a sudden wasn't an issue and he couldn't wait to go.

Tootired......yes, that was pretty much the line I took at Easter. When I finally persuaded (bribed) him, I agreed to take his Xbox so he would at least have something to do. Unfortunately when we got there it wouldn't work.....arghh!
The reason I don't think he's on the Autistic spectrum is because he didn't display any issues until around 12/13 yrs old. Don't know if that fits with Autism.
Theonlylivingboy........actually ( not being sarcastic) the reason I am desperate for a holiday that will be nice for DS1 is because on a daily basis he just wants to be left alone so there isnt alot we get to do with him. DS2 is very into sport so he gets alot of time and attention. The only way he misses out is in the loss of interaction with his brother which again is why I want to go somewhere they can enjoy together.

Penguin.........thanks for link to Buttercup Cottage. Sounds perfect except it only has 2 bedrooms. DS1 needs his own room. Shame I can't open the picture. Might be able to work something out. X

I don't think it has pictures yet but maybe if you message them can get pictures if interested. My DS loves to stay in the sitting room but he is small so fits on a sofa, think its as TV there. My DD is very sporty but that's easy to work round and DS will do water based supports as long as no lessons involved. Hope you find something. Wierdly mine is obsessed with New York and Las Vegas, maybe a numbers thing.

Bizarrely DS1 loves theme parks while DS2 not keen. DS1 also loves the idea of places like Tokyo and New York. Not sure he would cope in reality though....not that we can afford to go anyway.
Will see if I can get some pictures of the cottage.

That's my thoughts on New York and Las Vegas too, not sure he could cope or me It might be as they are in films too but we get asked to go to Las Vegas every weekend. My idea of hell though.

How is he with food? ASD kids are normally fussy eaters with a preference for the same and plain to the point they will starve if not quite often. It can be picked up late, not until adults in some cases, it depends how much trouble they are at school I think. Mine has improved a lot with age which also happens sometimes - for a year we had a full-time TA, now nothing, still has many quirks. He responds well to me gently pushing boundaries though telling him its fine to stop if he can't manage. We tend to go pretty much where we all want to go then have some activities focussed on him, some focussed on DD and if he wants to opt out of those he can. It's not always obvious what will bother him, like he ziplined happily 300 metres in the air last holiday. I guess its alone and they often have little sense of danger but still hard for me to get my head round it. The sound thing is very common with ASD, my DS has that but only certain sounds. They often loves maths too, mine has favourite numbers which are worshipped and he goes hyper for.

When we had DS assessed by education pysch she said anxiety and ASD can appear almost identical and even she had trouble telling apart - he initially got misdiagnosed with anxiety.

He is fussy with food. Had a limited range that he will eat and like you say would go hungry rather than deviate.
Is struggling with school but I get so torn between not wanting to see him struggling and wondering if he is just being a difficult teenager wanting to skip lessons.
When he spends all his time on the Xbox shouting and laughing with his friends and having no issue arguing with his dad and me it's difficult to reconcile with that with him struggling to sit in a classroom.
I know it's different but I can't let him walk out of lessons whenever he feels stressed and he doesn't want to go to the 'quiet room'. He texts me to ask if he can come home. Rarely makes it through a full week.
He is bright but we put no pressure on him re GCSE's. Just want him to enjoy a few things in life. Other things can come later.

Its very common for ASD to have issues at secondary, quite a few end up excluded on transition from primary, just can't cope with all the change and detentions. Mine hides under tables at school when distressed and has been allowed to sit at back and leave when he wants to his own desk quiet outside. That did help him though also had to make sure he wasn't just choosing what he preferred and school wasn't incentivising leaving, we had one Head who was lovely but would spoil him so he would make a drama and leave. New Head started and much fewer issues, its finding a balance but he sounds quite like my DS, he's not diagnosed as takes 2 years but ed pysch said ASD and initial assessment was saying ASD. He's incredibly bright and quite eccentric and in world of his own. Your school SENCO should be able to help whether anxiety or ASD though some schools much better than others. I find out what he has issues with at school and we practise them at home so hated PE so took him to David Lloyd swimming with me, got much better at school.

Mine has always been fine at home, very eccentric, but fine.

My husband has anxiety and depression. When it is bad it can be overwhelming for him. If your son hasn't seen the GP then he needs to and he needs to push for some medication. They generally take 2 weeks to start having an effect and you need to watch for side effects but they helped DH hugely.

Can you not afford a UK holiday with a private room for your older son? A holiday cottage perhaps or even a static caravan. They can be lovely and they are often 3 bedroom so he could have his own (admittedly small) space.

Do try not to let the anxiety force him not to do thngs. CBT, mindfulness (lots of resources on line and in books), medication and some allowances should allow you to get a family break.

To add DHs anti-anxiety meds didn't make him worse at first - they just made little difference for 2 weeks. They did make him fatter and kill his sex drive - both things he was happy to suffer for 6 months to feel better.