To feel really sad at not having a proper holiday this year

[happyclapper]

At the risk of sounding like a 1st world problem I am really sad that my DP and 2 DS' s will not be having a proper holiday this year as well as last year.
It's not that I want to lie on a beach or do anything fancy . I'd be quite happy to do anything cheap and cheerful but DS 1 who is 15 has developed anxiety issues which have really got worse over the last 2 years to the point where we cannot enjoy family activities. Even going out for a coffee is very uncomfortable for him and when we went away for a few days last year it was very stressful and he was literally asking to go home every day.
I'm mostly sad that DS 2 who is 11 and very active will be sad as he has absolutely loved our holidays as DP and I both work hard and it is treasured family time. I suggested leaving DS1 at home with his grandparents which he would prefer but DP said he would not go without him. I know how he feels as it would be sad and his brother would miss him too.
We can't afford the sort of holiday that DS1 would be comfortable with, i.e a private villa with his own room so he can just join us when he feels ok.
Can't think of any solutions. Just want someone to tell me to stop dwelling on it I suppose but I feel like our family life has changed forever and these are the last few years before they will both be gone to make memories.
BTW just saw the start of the Grenfell enquiry which puts it in perspective!

Nobody is saying Icantcope that anxiety means you just need to pull yourself together. What posters like I have said is that those with anxiety do need to be pushed appropriately. In your case that would not mean going on holiday. But my friend with severe anxiety was pushed by medical staff to get out of bed every day. And then when he was doing that, to get dressed every day. Etc, etc.
That does not mean anxiety is not real. But I know from experience that the only way to deal with it is to get pushed slightly out of your comfort zone. Not to be means that your world shrinks even more.

But I know from experience that the only way to deal with it is to get pushed slightly out of your comfort zone
If someone is struggling to go for coffee then taking them on holiday is more than 'slightly' out of their comfort zone. And pushing them out of their comfort zone isn't much good if they're not having any sort of treatment. It's got to be a gradual thing. Some posters on here have taken him as being a teenager wanting his own way. If he has anxiety that badly then right now his head is a **ing mess. There's a huge difference between surly teenager wanting to do his own thing and teenager with anxiety wanting to live normally but unable to function. They're poles apart and some of the posters on this thread have zero clue and zero empathy.

No getting taken to a holiday cottage you are hiring, can be easier than going out for a coffee.

I know a young woman with anxiety who can't go into shops alone but travels internationally. Your anxiety is not this young persons anxiety.

I would think some form of medication could help your son, he would probably need a referral to CAMHS and a psychiatrist would be able to prescribe something to help. It could be just for a short while but it is definitely worth getting the referral from your GP as soon as possible because I truly believe your child’s situation can be improved.

The GP did want him to be assessed for autism which I am fine with but I have gone through a pre-assessment at school and it is anxiety induced by triggers.
My dilemma seems to be back in that I know if we go away to a cottage / caravan for example he will just stay in his room . So the only alternative is to persuade DP to let him stay with grandparents .
It just frustrates me that if we were able to afford a villa he would be able to enjoy the pool and relax and we would have some family time but it's not to be.

What's the difference between a cottage and a villa?

If I am pushed, it makes me a million times worse.

The GP has done a referal to CAMHS but it takes such a long time to get an appointment which is why we have gone privately to the Psychologist.
I have thought about medication but I am very unsure of the side effects.

I would accept the CAMHS appt when you get it, if your child can’t function properly I would ask for an appt to see a psychiatrist who can go through the medication options. There is always possible side effects from all medicines but there is hope something could be found to give your child relief, the medicine may only be needed temporarily or can be reduced when they improve. Good luck as I know it can be a long wait and it’s really very frustrating, but I really believe your child can be helped it’s just heartbreaking you have to wait for the specialist appointment.

My DS has ASD and severe anxiety and it really affects what we can do as a family. We get DLA for him and also a grant from Family Fund every year which helps to pay for the sort of holiday he can cope with (villa or cottage with his own space and private pool, similar to OP's DS1's needs). CBT and CAMHS have been very poor for him as they didn't understand his needs so we've had to pay privately for therapy. Definitely look into extra financial help towards your DS1's disabilities OP, they are there to cover the extra costs due to his needs.

We have decided not to take our son with asd and crippling anxiety on a 'proper' holiday until we think he can cope with it.

We nearly broke him last summer and he nearly broke us. This year we are holidaying at the ILs for a week with him, and also hoping to get a family member to look after him so we can go somewhere sunny without him.

However, my ds is 8 and couldn't give a flying crap about being with us if it means he has to experience change.

@happyclapper have you thought about CBD oil ?

Thank you Tuckerp. That's really useful information. I hope people don't think I'm crazy fussing over a holiday and wanting a villa but it means the difference between spending some relaxed time as a family (in a villa) where DS1 will interact with DS2 which would thrill DS2 to have his big brother play with him. Or, in a cottage/caravan , be dragging DS1 along where he will retreat to a bedroom and barely come out for the duration. Or leave him at grandparents where he will stay in a bedroom again for the week.
Am seriously considering putting it on a credit card but that would really stretch us with the repayments.

Why is a cottage different to a villa? i'm a bit unsure of the difference for him? Would somewhere like Forest holidays be better? You can get a cottage with a hot tub which might be wonderfully relaxing for him. Or on cottages.com you can find cottages with pools or hot tubs too.

With regards to medication, I would say that the psychiatrist will know best, but I was put onto beta blockers shortly before my 16th birthday and it was very useful for helping me to deal with the physical symptoms. I had no ill effects personally. I take something different now, but it was useful at the time.

So he can leave his room to use the pool, should one be available? But he would be more anxious if there wasn't a pool? I'm trying to work out what exactly is triggering his anxiety here, and every avenue I go down comes up with ASD.

A villa abroad will have its own private pool. That would tempt him out but a cottage with a private pool would be really expensive. The boys couldn't really play in a bit tub. They would play literally all day in the pool with DP on previous holidays and I just know DP would keep them entertained all day. He wouldn't use the pool at the caravan park or get involved in any activities. A cottage would just be the same as being at home. When we can persuade him out he wants to come back after about 40 mins no matter how quiet the surroundings.

Have they looked at medication, not sure of age you can take it but it helped me. Have a look at sister caravan parks to the warren in Wales. Cheaper than the warren but have hot tubs

Would you holiday in the UK? I live in Dorset and there is a fabulous campsite near us with an outdoor heated pool and is actually quite quiet for a campsite. Really friendly site (we've been the last two years with my ASD daughter and disabled godson). It's lovely although do you do camping?

Let me know if you want details and I'll pm you.

Best bit is that it's quite open and very quiet. Lots of lovely places to go round here but not overly touristy. Can also give you places to go off the tourist trail ;)

I have anxiety and I hate crowds and noise. Camping on a site where there is a strict rule on no hens/stags and no noise after a certain time definitely helps. Plus it's very calming and peaceful just sitting out in the evenings.

One way we manage DD's anxiety about new places is using the internet to research absolutely everything about where we are going, she's 12 and she panics if she doesn't know all the details. We are working on getting her used to NOT knowing all the things, but she also doesn't like very busy places or being hemmed in somewhere. She would hate a coffee shop type place and would prefer to get a coffee/drink and sit on a quay looking at the water than being in an enclosed space with a load of strangers.

UK chalet with a hot tub?

I have a son and a daughter with autism and so anxiety has figured highly in our lives for more than twenty years now. I can tell you how we manage holidays if it helps.
We always book a cottage and for many years we went to the same area but over the last few years we've been able to branch out a little. We don't go to caravan parks because there isn't a lot of space,there isn't wifi, it's pretty busy and noisy and ds doesn't feel safe in a caravan as there isn't enough space between him and any neighbours.
Ds and dd both take stuff from their rooms to help them settle, ds takes his bedding and dd takes her pillow, cuddly toy, books and dvds and they both take their laptops.
We do a lot of divide and conquer so I take one and dh takes the other, it works because they have different interests and not a lot of tolerance for situations that they aren't interested in. So I get the zoo, theatre, cinema trips and dh gets horse racing, football matches and boat trips.
If it's getting fraught we have a day in with a takeaway and only a walk with the dog if they want to and we tend to follow a busy day with a much quieter day.
We plan for half a day out and then lengthen or shorten depending on how it's going. We know that ds finds it really stressful if we buy a four hour parking ticket so we buy two hours and then go back for more instead.
We never eat out anywhere that we haven't checked out the menu and had a look round first and if we find somewhere that is a winner we go back again.
We do tend to go off season and off the beaten track purely because coping with a change of scene is enough without throwing in crowds of people.
It might not suit everyone but for us a holiday is what you make it and time away together is special even if it isn't wall to wall entertainment.

Cbt doesn't work for autistic people , apparently.

Could you take him out of school in term time, for medical reasons, on the basis that you need to go on holiday when things are quieter? Vintage villas do holiday villas all with pool and some looked so much cheaper off season (ie before school breakup on 17th July)

I really feel your pain, and we are only just coming out of our "dysfunctional holiday" stage, with our three children, one with SN and one with mild SNs. The irony is that dh and I are so exhausted by the trials of previous holidays that we have now developed a phobia of the whole thing and just want to stay at home, and the children are much keener. we've tried the Villa with pool and that didn't actually work because they fought and we cannot drive (so difficult to find food and adventure outside basic radius) We've discovered perfect holiday last year, Alpine walking holiday in self catering apartment with shared pool. walking made it very focused private, and if ds (eldest with mild SNs) wanted to say behind that was fine. There were other children around but we didn't really talk to them, they were just background "sociability/local colour" - not very threatening. Walking is a good release for anxiety we found. You can tailor it better than a bigger trip or outing. Beautiful restful scenery too.

I think CBT does work for autistic people but it has to be quite focused on goals, rather than going into great depth over the reasons for anxiety. More like talking through plans, and then trying small steps to acclimatise as other posters have suggested, rather than the more standard CBT (I have myself experienced) where the practioner suggests way to beat your feelings of low self esteem

Anyway I am sure that CBT is a many splendoured thing.

Fleshmarket......funnybyou mention apart the oatkingvticjets. DS1 has started checking that too.
As I said we don't think it's autism but do need to do alot of planning I think and tslkbto him more about what he could cope with. Ironically he loves them parks which goes against everything else.
He hates being in the car as we all make too many irritating noises but planes are fine as the noise from the engines masks people's noise.
He does use ear phones when it gets too much.
May well have to look at medication.