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AIBU?

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Original poster

Stinky visitor

380 replies

HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 10:02

I have a (distant) relative staying for almost 2 weeks.

We are 1 week in and he is refusing to wash. He stinks and is making my house stink. There is a horrible musty sweaty smell about him and the room he is trashing at my house.

His clothes are also filthy. I ask him for his laundry and he gives me a bunch of stuff while still wearing the stained shirt he had on yesterday. It has a good stain in the middle of the front.

There is a greasy circle on the pillow where I imagine his (unwashed) head has gone. The room stinks, literally stinks Angry

Also he is rude to my friends and ungrateful.

He seems to be treating me like a hotel, putting in food orders as he never likes what we are eating. I have gone out of my way to check what he wants but he still makes snide comments and looks unenthusiastic.

The other day he said he liked egg, (I'd checked he liked egg before making the sandwiches, I hate egg but got some especially for him.) When I was making the sandwiches he wandered in and says that's not for me us it... I don't like egg in sandwiches!

I am fuming & at my wits end...Counting down the days until he leaves.

He has been before and never gave me so much as a bunch of flowers or card as a thank you gift. Thankfully it was not at the height of summer and it stayed a few days, I don't think he showered then either but the smell was not as bad.

I was a bit Hmmthen...but he is definitely never coming again!

I have name changed in case this gets picked up by the Daily Fail: but it is all true and I cannot believe the rudeness and cheek of anyone who would act this way.

I hope I am not BU here- but you know, it never hurts to check on MN!

OP posts:
Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 11:40

Odig - hell yes! I never take him to the supermarket- he had to go alone.

Puzzled- yes, I have old throws on all sofas, he puts his feet up too.

OP posts:
Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 11:41

My parents are elderly and cannot host him. They are a little confused and big in great health. They don't seem to notice anything is amiss.

I really can't involve them in this, it wouldn't be fair. I think they like to see him because he is a link to 'old times' and a mutual deceased relative.

OP posts:
Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 11:42
  • not in great health
OP posts:
CamHowe · 21/05/2018 11:45

Your house your rules. If he wants to stay there and won't abide by them then tell him you're kicking him out. You can't stay here as long as you're stinking the house out and refusing to shower is a pretty reasonable demand/reason to kick someone out regardless of who they are.

Assburgers · 21/05/2018 11:46

I normally roll my eyes when someone suggests someone is on the spectrum but in this case they could be right. Some of us don’t like showering (not me - I smell lovely). Be direct. You have absolutely nothing to lose.

onalongsabbatical · 21/05/2018 11:47

Ah, ok, I see. No, if that's the case you can't bring them into it. The whole thing sounds very upsetting. I do think you've got to confront him and be brutal (you're obviously not a brutal person, but sometimes needs must!) and if he doesn't even respond to that ask him to leave. I wonder if he's even capable of learning that people find his smell objectionable and he needs to address his hygiene? Possibly not. Occasionally on buses some very unpleasantly smelling people get on and I've always got a mix of relief when they leave and sorrow for them that their lives are so obviously messed up. But two weeks in my space I'd have to do something. Best of luck.

Bramble71 · 21/05/2018 11:47

I wouldn't be waiting for the visit to end, I'd be asking him to leave today! You most certainly wouldn't be unreasonable to do this, OP.

coconutpie · 21/05/2018 11:51

OP, stop being a doormat. He clearly does not give a shit about you or your DP so why do you care about his feelings? Tell him to leave and tell him why. I have housed and fed you for a week already. You are rude, entitled, ungrateful and you smell dreadful. I'm not putting up with this anymore. You can find alternative accommodation and kick him out. He is not your problem. And your parents do not get a say on this. Why should you have to suffer? Kick him out now.

Furano · 21/05/2018 11:54

You need to get your big girl pants on

"look [name] I love you but I need you to take more care of your personal hygiene whilst you stay here with me. This is difficult for me to say, but in all honesty you smell badly and it is making the house smell. At a minimum you need to shower every day, brush teeth 2x a day and wash your hair every 3 days. And you need to put on fresh underwear and tshirts every day. OK?"

derxa · 21/05/2018 11:54

This is awful. Poor man. Never mind you'll soon have your perfect home back.

MartagonLilies · 21/05/2018 11:56

@derxa , how do figure this? He's not a 'poor man' He's lazy and has bad hygiene.

Grump1 · 21/05/2018 11:57

Emptying stoma bags is very smelly indeed. Window should be open in bathroom before starting. Door kept closed after leaving. Specific advice by googling. Most people with stomas are extra meticulous about showering. Smell is different/more intense as food has not gone through entire colon. If you have a second loo could you aloo ate ite to your relative? Certain foods will aggravate the smell and gas problem. Google this. He quite possibly suffers from depression living with this. Your local gp’s nurse could give advice but there is loads on the iliostomy/colostomy nhs site. Sorry for all of you.

onalongsabbatical · 21/05/2018 11:59

derxa that's unfair, some posters are being ruthless but the OP isn't, she's been very kind and tolerant and she's asking for help to deal with a very difficult thing. She very obviously doesn't want to upset the man but can't find a way of handling it. Yes, it's awful that he's like this, awful for him, but that doesn't mean the only way is to endlessly put up with it.

ahouseofleaves · 21/05/2018 11:59

@derxa , how do figure this? He's not a 'poor man' He's lazy and has bad hygiene.

... and is appallingly rude to his hosts. No excuse.

Grump1 · 21/05/2018 12:00

Please bear in mind he has a stoma bag because .... crohn’s disease, cancer, or some other very serious health issue. - no excuse for not showering, but a reason for consequent issues.

blaaake · 21/05/2018 12:00

Ignore derxa she likes to post an 'obscure' opinion on threads like these.

silverstarling1 · 21/05/2018 12:01

If he doesn’t care about being rude to you I’m sure you can repay the favour by telling him a few Home truths!

Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 12:03

Derxa; I never said my home was perfect; however it is clean.

Cleanliness / personal hygiene costs very little and is very important to me - all the more so if i was staying as guest in someone else's house.

OP posts:
derxa · 21/05/2018 12:04

Ignore derxa she likes to post an 'obscure' opinion on threads like these. Gosh! Do I?

OP if it is as bad as you say then I would do more direct nagging. I certainly wouldn't be asking a relative however distant to go and stay in a hotel at this stage.

Fourteenth · 21/05/2018 12:19

Gosh! Do I?

Grin
LoniceraJaponica · 21/05/2018 12:26

Is there an option to chnage his flight back home to an earlier flight?

PrincessScarlett · 21/05/2018 12:28

OP, you can't put up with this for another week. It's not just the refusing to shower but he's being rude and disrespectful. You need to tell him it's not working with him staying with you and he's going to have to find somewhere else to stay. Make sure you give him alternative hotels/b&bs as otherwise he'll drag his feet.

WellThisIsShit · 21/05/2018 12:30

My beautiful sister had a colostomy bag, and yes, it did sometimes stink when she emptied it, and she was horribly aware of this. She was given special sprays by the hospital to help control the odours, but it could still be a bit horrid soon after, poor thing.

However, it certainly did not stop her cleaning herself and being meticulous with hygiene and personal care, in fact she had to be more so, to really care for her skin around that area etc etc.

It also didn’t stop her looking beautiful, and she got married after having to have that bag fitted, and yes, even managed to be alluring and sexy Wink Blush The stoma nurse was amazing and gave a lot of tips and I guess almost counselling in her weekly clinic... conversations about draping and silk scarves are not what you’d expect from the NHS but so so needed, it helped my sister feel like a proper human again after a very traumatic thing happening, then weeks in a coma and waking to find her body had tubes coming out of it forever...

I do wonder how much your relative was effected by whatever happened to him to end up with a colostomy bag? Not denying he sounds quite horrid! But horrid people can have horrible experiences and react badly to them and get even worse... not just to my wonderful darling sister who was never horrid (or stinkily antisocial!) to anyone.

Anyway, @Grump1 talks a lot of sense and is very insightful, OP please read and perhaps take out complaints about emptying the colostomy bag as it risks blurring the other genuine issues:

“Emptying stoma bags is very smelly indeed. Window should be open in bathroom before starting. Door kept closed after leaving. Specific advice by googling. Most people with stomas are extra meticulous about showering. Smell is different/more intense as food has not gone through entire colon”

Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 13:02

Wellthis- sorry to hear about your sister having to go through that. Yes I'm very mindful of this issue for him, and I know he can't help the bag related smells. It's just the not washing hands or showering (at all) that I find unacceptable- and in fact sounds like could be harmful to him too.

I am trying to deal with the issue in a sensitive way, but am at the same time really distressed about having him & my home smell of stale sweat.... not to mention the general rudeness.

OP posts:
HonkyWonkWoman · 21/05/2018 13:46

Is he there now HasPegOnNose?
If so! Take a deep breath and tell him, right now, that he smells and is making the house smell because he is not having showers and that you insist that he has a shower right now and change his clothes or he will have to leave.

If he does and continues to stay clean he will be welcome to stay but otherwise he needs to stay in an Hotel.
Stop pussyfooting around! Just tell him now!

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