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AIBU?

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Original poster

Stinky visitor

380 replies

HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 10:02

I have a (distant) relative staying for almost 2 weeks.

We are 1 week in and he is refusing to wash. He stinks and is making my house stink. There is a horrible musty sweaty smell about him and the room he is trashing at my house.

His clothes are also filthy. I ask him for his laundry and he gives me a bunch of stuff while still wearing the stained shirt he had on yesterday. It has a good stain in the middle of the front.

There is a greasy circle on the pillow where I imagine his (unwashed) head has gone. The room stinks, literally stinks Angry

Also he is rude to my friends and ungrateful.

He seems to be treating me like a hotel, putting in food orders as he never likes what we are eating. I have gone out of my way to check what he wants but he still makes snide comments and looks unenthusiastic.

The other day he said he liked egg, (I'd checked he liked egg before making the sandwiches, I hate egg but got some especially for him.) When I was making the sandwiches he wandered in and says that's not for me us it... I don't like egg in sandwiches!

I am fuming & at my wits end...Counting down the days until he leaves.

He has been before and never gave me so much as a bunch of flowers or card as a thank you gift. Thankfully it was not at the height of summer and it stayed a few days, I don't think he showered then either but the smell was not as bad.

I was a bit Hmmthen...but he is definitely never coming again!

I have name changed in case this gets picked up by the Daily Fail: but it is all true and I cannot believe the rudeness and cheek of anyone who would act this way.

I hope I am not BU here- but you know, it never hurts to check on MN!

OP posts:
Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 10:28

Rocinante- the towel has already been handed over... I think I am going to have to say something by the end of today- however DP advises to just leave it as the hints haven't worked.

OP posts:
SilverHairedCat · 21/05/2018 10:28

Ah, so he could go and stay with his daughter? His money situation is not your problem. He's being rude and disrespectful in your home. He either shapes up or ships out.

Can I ask, is there any cultural situation where he might respond differently to women than to men? If so, could you exploit this to your benefit in the interim?

Motoko · 21/05/2018 10:29

I agree with Fizzy, give him a choice of shower or leave.

Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 10:30

The other issue is that he has a colostomy bag - would that prevent him showering or bathing? Surely not though, otherwise what would people do...??
It smells really bad when he empties it but I know that's not his fault.
The smell in his room and about his person is just SWEAT

OP posts:
SilverHairedCat · 21/05/2018 10:31

Hints are not worth it. Time to be blunt. I did it with DH's friend - ordered him into the shower, told him which products I expected him to use and handed him a towel and a toothbrush. DH then put his clothes in the wash and gave him PJs and dressing gown for the night while they dried. It was a very effective intervention, and has made a long term difference - he admitted he didn't see the issue and was shocked we could see the sweat stains and smell him!

Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 10:31

Silver- no his daughter has flown back to Canada.

I don't think there is a cultural issue, but could try asking DP (who is male) to be more direct with him.

OP posts:
Rocinante1 · 21/05/2018 10:31

You've given him a towel and asked him to wash, but with no consequences if he doesn't.
He's acting like a stinky child who doesn't want to get in the bath. He needs consequences - the only thing you can really do to him is send him to stay somewhere else. So give him the ultimatum. He's stinking up your home; that's not ok.

Motoko · 21/05/2018 10:32

He can't go and stay with his daughter, OP said she's already flown back home.

Hints often don't work, either they don't get them, or because they're only hints, they can be ignored.

Just tell him! Shower or leave, his choice.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 21/05/2018 10:33

Well if the hints haven't worked you're just going to have to come out and tell him straight that he either gets up and gets washed or he leaves.

Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 10:33

Does anyone know about the colostomy bag issue & whether this is relevant?

OP posts:
MartagonLilies · 21/05/2018 10:33

OP, I know it's more difficult for you to tell him, than it is for us to tell you.
Unfortunately, no way around it. It's disgusting that he hasnt washed in a week Envy

littlemisscomper · 21/05/2018 10:34

Why don't you ask him to leave?

You: Brian, I'm really sorry but it's not working out with you staying here. I've found this local B&B or there's a Premier inn in X. I'm afraid we need to go out this afternoon so would you like to ring them now? There's good signal out in the garden.

Him: Oh! What's not working out? You need me to leave?

You: Yes please, before lunch. Your lack of hygiene is a problem and I'm finding the catering stressful. I'll help get your things together while you book your room.

Him: Oh. Ok...

Sorted.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 21/05/2018 10:34

His daughter has flown back home. I don't blame her

Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 10:35

Marathon- I KNOW Envy

OP posts:
Motoko · 21/05/2018 10:35

A stoma sometimes lets out smells like really bad fart smell, but otherwise shouldn't make any difference.

SilverHairedCat · 21/05/2018 10:36

you need to keep the skin clean to prevent infection, but depending on what your of system he has, perhaps he doesn't have a waterproof system? Some are, some aren't.

Could you offer to take him to the chemist to buy a cover or replacement bags so he can take one off. Perhaps he doesn't have enough of the bags?

Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 10:36

Little miss- that's excellent - thank you.

OP posts:
Emmasmum2013 · 21/05/2018 10:36

Did he smell when he came to your house? If not, he's obviously not incapable of washing. I second those who have said that you need to tell him to get a shower as h'es making the house smell, or go home early/stay somewhere else. And don't expect accommodation in the future. If anyone gets the hump over it you can easily explain.

CoraPirbright · 21/05/2018 10:36

Yup - time to tell him that he needs to shower or leave and pay for a b&b. Also, why on earth should you have to put up with such rudeness? Actually, forget the ultimatums and just tell him to leave! I have no idea re: colostomy bags but wouldnt that mean that he ought to be careful about being clean - he wouldnt want to get some sort of awful infection, surely?

HoppingPavlova · 21/05/2018 10:36

I don’t understand your DH at all. Just tell the relative that despite numerous hints and requests his smell is significantly affecting your house. He either gets in the shower now and scrubs himself, has clothes washed and clean clothes on NOW or he leaves NOW.

SilverHairedCat · 21/05/2018 10:37

*sort of system. Sorry, I totally missed that she'd flown home.

Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 10:37

Silver- I think I need to ask him if that's the problem before telling him to leave. But why the hell has he not made arrangements anyway Confused

OP posts:
PorkyPortia · 21/05/2018 10:39

He is showing a total lack of respect to you , your husband and your home
Just tell him straight

Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 10:39

Cora - you're right: I would have thought hygiene would be even more important.

Yes he didn't smell good when he came. His head & hair smelt and had dandruff all over his collar. Pity the poor person he had to sit next to in the flight!

OP posts:
SilverHairedCat · 21/05/2018 10:39

I agree, but perhaps he lives like this in Ca as well?

Febreze his room the whole house in the interim!

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