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AIBU?

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Original poster

Stinky visitor

380 replies

HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 10:02

I have a (distant) relative staying for almost 2 weeks.

We are 1 week in and he is refusing to wash. He stinks and is making my house stink. There is a horrible musty sweaty smell about him and the room he is trashing at my house.

His clothes are also filthy. I ask him for his laundry and he gives me a bunch of stuff while still wearing the stained shirt he had on yesterday. It has a good stain in the middle of the front.

There is a greasy circle on the pillow where I imagine his (unwashed) head has gone. The room stinks, literally stinks Angry

Also he is rude to my friends and ungrateful.

He seems to be treating me like a hotel, putting in food orders as he never likes what we are eating. I have gone out of my way to check what he wants but he still makes snide comments and looks unenthusiastic.

The other day he said he liked egg, (I'd checked he liked egg before making the sandwiches, I hate egg but got some especially for him.) When I was making the sandwiches he wandered in and says that's not for me us it... I don't like egg in sandwiches!

I am fuming & at my wits end...Counting down the days until he leaves.

He has been before and never gave me so much as a bunch of flowers or card as a thank you gift. Thankfully it was not at the height of summer and it stayed a few days, I don't think he showered then either but the smell was not as bad.

I was a bit Hmmthen...but he is definitely never coming again!

I have name changed in case this gets picked up by the Daily Fail: but it is all true and I cannot believe the rudeness and cheek of anyone who would act this way.

I hope I am not BU here- but you know, it never hurts to check on MN!

OP posts:
Queenofthestress · 21/05/2018 11:14

You can shower & bathe with a colostomy bag in btw

FizzyGreenWater · 21/05/2018 11:14

he is SO rude I do wonder if it's because he just doesn't realise he is being rude.

Well if that's the case then you really should be as direct as you like because he won't notice, will he? Might even appreciate being told, quite bluntly, what you'd like him to do. And if he does notice, and takes great offence, you can say oh right you do have some idea of what's rude and what's not, but just think those rules don't apply to you?

Comment on possibly being on the spectrum is noted... however, isn't it funny how often these type of people tend to be men of a certain age. Simple, old fashioned entitlement.

He sounds really appalling, so you might as well just tell him straight.

pigmcpigface · 21/05/2018 11:20

I think you are caught in the Politeness Trap. I get this with my in laws.

Basically, you are a normal, nice person who treats other people decently and with respect. You are a nuanced communicator, who uses gentle hints, and you rely on others being able to pick up on these.

You are not dealing with the same kind of person! The person you are with rides roughshod over others to get what they personally want. Either deliberately or inadvertently (it doesn't matter which), they don't pick up on normal communicational cues and hints - and, by doing so, they are able to exert a lot of power in terms of demanding what they want.

The only way of dealing with this is to remember that, by not picking up on normal hints, they have FORCED you into the uncomfortable positon of having to be ruder than you would have liked to be. Steel yourself, open the conversation by getting his permission - "Do you mind if I raise something personal?" - and then ask him to have a shower and to wash his clothes.

ahouseofleaves · 21/05/2018 11:21

This sounds so grim.

Time to be blunt. And you're a better person than me spending time with him in public, given smelliness and rudeness. I just couldn't.

Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 11:22

I think I just need to say 'Brian, is there any reason why you can't have a shower? If not i would really like you to have one, as the house is getting smelly and I'm finding that very difficult. I will show you how the shower works & provide body wash & shampoo..'

OP posts:
MartagonLilies · 21/05/2018 11:24

Yes, OP. Tell him this. Go, run now, ask him. Whilst you have the moment.

Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 11:24

Pig & ahouse- thank you.

Yes it is embarrassing going out with him with the large stain in the middle of his shirt and his dandruff.

That's why I asked him to give me his laundry earlier- but he kept the shirt on!!

Politeness trap is spot on... I should have told him the shirt he is wearing also needs washing. I mean, who goes on holiday with soiled clothes?

OP posts:
stayathomegardener · 21/05/2018 11:24

I had exactly the same 10 years ago minus the colostomy bag.

The smell was so bad in confined spaces like the car I was constantly dry retching with streaming eyes which was awful. Sheets of skin were falling off. The poor man was clearly unwell.

We had to insist on a bath, purchased new clothes and toiletries including a toothbrush but I still had trouble dealing with the situation, it was the longest week ever.

Poor guy is dead now so not the same one.

A word of warning I had to throw a lot of things out, including the mattress and bedding.

Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 11:26

Stay at home, sorry you had it as well.

Yes I have already thought if bedding - it will be thrown away & new pillow, duvet & mattress protector acquired. I will also have to disinfect the room & deep clean: I could not stand the thought of anyone else staying there!

OP posts:
Motoko · 21/05/2018 11:28

Colostomy bags do often stink the whole house out when being emptied. And they do not stop people from either showering or having a bath. Don't ask him if there's a reason he can't shower, that will give him the option to refuse to have one.

Just tell him to shower or leave.

TomRavenscroft · 21/05/2018 11:28

I think I just need to say 'Brian, is there any reason why you can't have a shower? If not i would really like you to have one... Sorry but I think you've gone beyond that now. He's already been handed towels and asked and still refused.

Fourteenth · 21/05/2018 11:28

How awkward and frustrating! You can't have him there another week he's gotta go.

Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 11:29

Good point Tom ' mokoto, I guess we are beyond 'asking'!

OP posts:
recklessruby · 21/05/2018 11:29

A colostomy bag shouldn't smell. My mum has one and she is scrupulous about hygiene and I can never smell anything bad. I think you should say bye bye this isn't working out or invent a friend in need who really needs to stay and say you haven't the room anymore to accommodate him.

Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 11:30

Although if he has an old non waterproof bag that might be a reason that could be dealt with.....

OP posts:
MartagonLilies · 21/05/2018 11:32

At least if you ask, you'll set the ball rolling on the awkward situation.

Motoko · 21/05/2018 11:32

Why would there be such a thing as non waterproof stoma bags? The shit is like gravy, if a bag wasn't waterproof, it would soak through.

ahouseofleaves · 21/05/2018 11:32

Also, I would actually have a chat with his family. I find it rude that they 'dumped' him on you while checking themselves into B&B. I'm not saying they should share space with him. But they should be concerned about his money situation/sort out accommodation if anyone. That's not your responsibility. They presumably know you're doing this as a favour to your parents, to him or his family.

PuppyMonkey · 21/05/2018 11:34

I have two relatives with stomas and they are perfectly able to shower every day and neither of them smell. The bad stink from the changing of the colostomy bag can happen (very rarely IME), but I would bet that it was to do with something he ate that didn't agree with him.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/05/2018 11:35

While he's still with you, at least get him to sit on an old blanket/spare quilt or whatever if he wants to use the sofa ... from bitter experience with my late father's visits, you'll have a hell of a job getting it fresh afterwards if you don't

Bananalanacake · 21/05/2018 11:35

Maybe he's an eco warrior and doesn't want to waste your water.

odig · 21/05/2018 11:38

Sympathies OP, I've had similar. I actually stayed out of the house as much as possible, even volunteered for overtime.

I went to the supermarket for a break and he tagged along, put piles of stuff in my trolley and wandered off when it came to paying.

He came for two days and stayed for ten, never, never, never again. When they leave it's like your birthday times ten.

Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 11:38

Fair point Motoko. It's just that someone mentioned up thread that if he had a certain kind it might prevent him showering.

OP posts:
GnotherGnu · 21/05/2018 11:38

You need to tell him that if he isn't prepared to shower he has to leave immediately. And stop accommodating his food likes and dislikes.
Where he stays for the rest of the week is not your problem. If your parents are so keen to see him, they can put him up.

onalongsabbatical · 21/05/2018 11:39

What's his relationship with your parents actually like, OP? Surely they find him distressing to be around, too? I'm assuming they're closer to him and the same generation - is there any way you can get them to talk to him about this - I'm not suggesting you pass the buck, just get them on board.

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