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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stinky visitor

380 replies

HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 10:02

I have a (distant) relative staying for almost 2 weeks.

We are 1 week in and he is refusing to wash. He stinks and is making my house stink. There is a horrible musty sweaty smell about him and the room he is trashing at my house.

His clothes are also filthy. I ask him for his laundry and he gives me a bunch of stuff while still wearing the stained shirt he had on yesterday. It has a good stain in the middle of the front.

There is a greasy circle on the pillow where I imagine his (unwashed) head has gone. The room stinks, literally stinks Angry

Also he is rude to my friends and ungrateful.

He seems to be treating me like a hotel, putting in food orders as he never likes what we are eating. I have gone out of my way to check what he wants but he still makes snide comments and looks unenthusiastic.

The other day he said he liked egg, (I'd checked he liked egg before making the sandwiches, I hate egg but got some especially for him.) When I was making the sandwiches he wandered in and says that's not for me us it... I don't like egg in sandwiches!

I am fuming & at my wits end...Counting down the days until he leaves.

He has been before and never gave me so much as a bunch of flowers or card as a thank you gift. Thankfully it was not at the height of summer and it stayed a few days, I don't think he showered then either but the smell was not as bad.

I was a bit Hmmthen...but he is definitely never coming again!

I have name changed in case this gets picked up by the Daily Fail: but it is all true and I cannot believe the rudeness and cheek of anyone who would act this way.

I hope I am not BU here- but you know, it never hurts to check on MN!

OP posts:
BrazzleDazzleDay · 21/05/2018 13:59

My fil is a grotty twunt, lucky if he washes/changes clothes once a week. I swear I've never smelt feet so fucking horrendous in my life. I tell him straight that he's stinking my house out. I run him a big bubble bath and chivvy him along like a toddler.

LexieLulu · 21/05/2018 14:01

Are you home today? Could you mention it before DP is home and say that when he gets home he can take him to a B&b?

LexieLulu · 21/05/2018 14:01

Remember this is YOUR house!

Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 14:54

I've just been talking this over in RL & my friend said: if he is that ignorant, and you give him a choice of shower or leave, and it comes to leave - what will you do if he refuses to leave?!

I hadn't thought of that... call the police I guess?! If someone is not wanted in your home & refuses to leave... hopefully it won't come to that anyway.

I am going to talk to him later, be unambiguous but firm & polite.... and see what happens.

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 21/05/2018 15:00

Why later? Are you putting it off or is he out somewhere?

LoniceraJaponica · 21/05/2018 15:00

Get him into the gsrden and turn the hose on him.

Zoflorabore · 21/05/2018 15:01

Tell him to piss off

Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 15:02

I'm out at the moment! (Getting some fresh air....)

OP posts:
eloisesparkle · 21/05/2018 15:11

Yes stoma can stink the house out.
It's so tough on people who have to have one.

onalongsabbatical · 21/05/2018 15:14

Gotcha. Enjoy the fresh air!

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 21/05/2018 15:17

i had this skank stay once. My mum ran him a bath and just said you are having one you stink, my house stinks and I am sick of being polite to you. Or you leave.

Family shamili lamily. Bloods thicker than water. Bollocks. This is a skanky freeloader who is depressed.

onalongsabbatical · 21/05/2018 15:35

Family shamili lamily can I borrow this? Grin Couldn't agree more!

Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 15:35

Just to reiterate I know the stoma smell he can't help (although being more considerate, opening window, using vipoo etc would help) - it's the stench of stale sweat & unwashed hair .... which he can help.

OP posts:
TimeIhadaNameChange · 21/05/2018 15:42

Why don't you go swimming? And get your DP to tell him that, in this country at least, it's necessary to have a shower before you go into the pool.

Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 15:46

Time- that's a very good idea!

I'm already thinking that if he DOES have a shower what on earth state will the shower be in afterwards?!

On the other hand, a perfunctory poolside shower might not cut it; I would hate to inflict him on the other pool users...

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 21/05/2018 15:46

I'll never understand people who put up with this shit from anyone in their own home. Grow a fucking spine! 'This isn't working out. Your hygiene is unacceptable, you have zero respect for us and your home. So you need to leave now.' And then he goes to your folks and sleeps on a lilo. FFS. Anyone who doesn't wash hands after using the loo would get short shrift from me. BIL does this but not in our house as I told him he washes hands or gets out.

TomRavenscroft · 21/05/2018 16:04

Listen to expat, OP! (apart from the lilo bit as it doesn't sound as though your folks can host really. Get him a Travelodge). But otherwise, listen to expat!

OneWouldHopeSo · 21/05/2018 16:11

Gosh, good luck with the talk OP. I'd be careful about sofa smells and if you can afford to, book a cleaner so you don't have to resent cleaning up too.

stresslessb · 21/05/2018 16:20

Sounds like a nightmare 😢
As far as the stoma is concerned I have had to have one temporarily twice (once when I was in my teens).It was pretty devastating at the time to be honest but I was very aware of the smell when emptying. I used to carry around air fresheners had scented candles in the bathroom and scented oils to be put in the bag. Most of the people I have met who have a stoma a meticulously clean. They have to be because most of the time they are immunosuppressed and prone to infection. They are also incredibly aware of any smell.
You haven't mentioned where he is from ? Here in the uk stoma supplies are free from the nhs or at least available very cheaply with a prescription pre payment card. I do know that people from countries where they have to pay for healthcare often have less bags per month due to affordability. The bag itself is waterproof however after a shower or bath the flange area (the sticky part that attaches to the skin) becomes less sticky and so the bag does need to be changed to prevent leaks. Also the area that is a filter can become pointless after a few days wear.
I don't know if any of this is something you feel you can talk to him about ? Is he avoiding the shower because he doesn't have enough replacement bags ?
As a previous poster said often the trauma of going through the surgery and illness can lead to some people having depression and not looking after yourself is a sign of that.
Obviously I don't know any of these details and he could infact just be a stinky soap dodger Wink

GunpowderAndLead · 21/05/2018 16:21

My DSS smells. He stinks out my house but doesn't come oftenz he sleeps in his clothes for days and days, and has that musty beyond sweat smell.

I gave him a towel and said you stink go and have a shower and he cane out stinking because he doesn't believe in products Shock I said you still stink and he didn't care Confused

InkSnail · 21/05/2018 16:23

Yes, change the flight! Tell him something important has come up and you need to cut his visit short. Either you will help him transfer his ticket to tomorrow (look it up in advance) or book him a taxi to a B&B and tell his family where he is.

Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 18:38

Update:
Me: 'Brian, you need to have a shower, come with me to the bathroom & I'll show you how it works'

Brian: 'oh...ok' (comes to bathroom & listens while I explain)

Me: 'so, shall I leave it running for you so the water heats up nicely? There is shampoo here too so you can wash your rancid hair

Brian: 'oh, I'm not taking a shower right now'

Me: Confused'oh, you're having one later then..?'

Brian: 'I might'

Me: stunned into total silence.

  • - - -

A few minutes later a discussion about dinner ensued. The outcome was that Brian was not happy with the risotto I was planning. Maybe sending my imminent implosion and his imminent ejection from my home, Brian threw a curve ball and said did we want to eat outShock

He took us to the cheapest place possible and ordered tap water... & when the waitress asked if we wanted dessert he said (without asking us) an emphatic no.... but still, he's never spent a penny on us before.

I still feel it's too little too late though. And all the way home he was going in about it being his way of saying thank you. Call me bitter & cynical & ungrateful if you will - bur after all the (literal) sh*t I've put up with (and still no shower) - I'm afraid an 8.99 meal with tap water doesn't cut if Brian. Maybe I ABU now... I don't know.

I just want him to WASH - how can it be such an issue for him???

OP posts:
Fourteenth · 21/05/2018 18:43

Grab him now and tell him "shower time or you'll have to leave early"

ForalltheSaints · 21/05/2018 18:43

Regardless of how it pans out, make sure he never comes again.

LoniceraJaponica · 21/05/2018 18:45

You need to be more blunt.

Just tell him he stinks and must have a shower. You are too polite. If this happenef in my house I wouldn't worry about upsetting him. I would just be very straightforward.

You need to grow a pair and tell him.

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