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AIBU?

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Original poster

Stinky visitor

380 replies

HasPegOnNose · 21/05/2018 10:02

I have a (distant) relative staying for almost 2 weeks.

We are 1 week in and he is refusing to wash. He stinks and is making my house stink. There is a horrible musty sweaty smell about him and the room he is trashing at my house.

His clothes are also filthy. I ask him for his laundry and he gives me a bunch of stuff while still wearing the stained shirt he had on yesterday. It has a good stain in the middle of the front.

There is a greasy circle on the pillow where I imagine his (unwashed) head has gone. The room stinks, literally stinks Angry

Also he is rude to my friends and ungrateful.

He seems to be treating me like a hotel, putting in food orders as he never likes what we are eating. I have gone out of my way to check what he wants but he still makes snide comments and looks unenthusiastic.

The other day he said he liked egg, (I'd checked he liked egg before making the sandwiches, I hate egg but got some especially for him.) When I was making the sandwiches he wandered in and says that's not for me us it... I don't like egg in sandwiches!

I am fuming & at my wits end...Counting down the days until he leaves.

He has been before and never gave me so much as a bunch of flowers or card as a thank you gift. Thankfully it was not at the height of summer and it stayed a few days, I don't think he showered then either but the smell was not as bad.

I was a bit Hmmthen...but he is definitely never coming again!

I have name changed in case this gets picked up by the Daily Fail: but it is all true and I cannot believe the rudeness and cheek of anyone who would act this way.

I hope I am not BU here- but you know, it never hurts to check on MN!

OP posts:
Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 22/05/2018 22:52

NellyThanksthank you

I am glad you mentioned the stench of death actually.... I was once at a post mortem of someone who had died and been left in their flat for 2weeks before being discovered.

Neighbours were alerted by the smell.

The smell was bad. I can honestly say though that the stench in my house over the last few days has been as bad, if not worse, than that smell.

I hope that puts it into perspective!

(At least I was only at the PM for about 70 mins..)

OP posts:
Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 22/05/2018 22:54

I also think Nelly is right about 'sheltering'- unless you have done 'certain jobs' there are people & parts of society that "most people" simply won't encounter and would find hard to imagine.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 22/05/2018 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 22/05/2018 23:00

Rocinante- be careful talking about cleaning door handles, you might get called hysterical! But basically- yes ....

I have explained to my family who are behind me... in fact my father even offered to book Brian into a b&b and pay FOR him the other day...I said 'over my dead body...!'

There is no way Brian is ever staying in or even entering my home ever again- his goose has been well & truly cooked.

OP posts:
Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 22/05/2018 23:00

Rocinante- be careful talking about cleaning door handles, you might get called hysterical! But basically- yes ....

I have explained to my family who are behind me... in fact my father even offered to book Brian into a b&b and pay FOR him the other day...I said 'over my dead body...!'

There is no way Brian is ever staying in or even entering my home ever again- his goose has been well & truly cooked.

OP posts:
LexieLulu · 22/05/2018 23:06

You're saying you can't afford petrol but are willing to buy new bedding, a phone, and everything else you are suggesting to replace cause he touched it?

You're being a bit OTT! Just clean things.

I had a visitor stay for a month once with BO that I could not get out of their clothes. Bedding on a hot wash was fine after

Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 22/05/2018 23:10

Lexie, no. I don't need to buy new bedding - his was a spare set which I no longer need.

Landline handsets are £10 on Amazon, maybe less in likes or Argos.

The fuel cost also was more a point of principle- i.e. I can't afford to pay to take someone to the airport after they have trashed and stunk out my home, complained about every meal I've cooked, spread shit on my door handles, refused to shower and been rude to my friends.

And not given me anything in return! Would you spend money on someone like that??

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 22/05/2018 23:19

gross hope hes gone tomorrow op

CoffeeIsNotEnough · 22/05/2018 23:27

A colostomy does not stop you washing their hands after using the bathroom. It does not stop you showering or having a bath. If you don't get enough bags provided to change after showering/bathing you can get hygienic very quickly by having a strip wash. The NHS tends to be fairly generous with stoma supplies.

It's horrible that people like him make others associate stomas with being dirty and smelly. If he's well enough to travel transatlantic to visit, he's well enough to look after his stoma!

The anti-smell things are a prescription racket though. They cost the NHS loads so people from other countries probably don't have them on their insurance. But it's fairly easy to disguise bag emptying smells by flushing, double wrapping, opening windows, burning candles etc. It's also something you do just have to suck up if you have a friend or relative with a stoma. Unlike poor hygiene and the refusal to shower.

ohfourfoxache · 22/05/2018 23:44

I just hope he bloody well leaves tomorrow.....

TooManyPaws · 23/05/2018 00:12

And for people who say that older people aren't used to washing regularly, well, my dad was born in 1920 and grew up with a strip wash every day and the local baths on a Friday. When he went to sea, those who didn't shower every day were thrown in and scrubbed with a deck broom by their crew mates.

Hygiene has nothing to do with the year you were born.

SalemBlackCat · 23/05/2018 03:02

Having read all through this thread, what I find selfish, rude and unacceptable most (apart from the very essence of him and his ways) is that his family never warned you. They selfishly palmed him onto you. Offered no pre-warnings, no advice, not even some money. Nothing. What sort of family would just do that - not even warn you at all, not even speak to you? Not even ask you how it's going? Nothing. Just silence. These people may be a lot cleaner and more normal than him, but they are as selfish, anti-social and ignorant as he is. Clearly he picked up his selfish, anti-social and bad manners from them.

noenergy · 23/05/2018 04:08

I'm literally feel nauseous after reading this.

PastaOfMuppets · 23/05/2018 04:26

100% agree, SalemBlackCat

TomboyFemme · 23/05/2018 05:35

I think you've been commendably polite and accomodating, OP. I hope he's gone and your home is on its way to smelling fresh again.

It's not your responsibility but you may wish to consider speaking to his daughter about getting social services involved. Self neglect is a safeguarding issue and could be indicative of many other problems which need to be addressed. It sounds as though his family have some awareness of how things are (refusing to stay with him, keeping you away from his home) so it's not really ok that they're not sorting it out.

Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 23/05/2018 07:27

Salem- that's very true.

Actually I hadn't really considered the not warning/ speaking to me etc, I was just really Confusedand Hmmthat they weren't travelling / staying / doing anything together.

I think I will send them a note along the lines of welfare concerns, as I feel they really do need to be taking more responsibility for him, including warning anyone else they might be planning to park him with - so thanks for your post.

OP posts:
Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 23/05/2018 07:28

Tomboy - thanks also, v good points. I am going to speak to his family.

OP posts:
maymai · 23/05/2018 07:35

So glad he's on his way home soon. I'm interested to hear his family's response to your contact with them. You've been royally dumped on and they know it.

Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 23/05/2018 08:18

I've just gone in to strip the bedding off - here is a shot of his pillow 🤢😷

Stinky visitor
OP posts:
musicposy · 23/05/2018 08:32

Eeew. I think you've been more than patient, and dealt with him very fairly. I would agree he maybe needs more help in his every day life than he's currently getting.

I don't like crying autism at everything but I have a close family member on the spectrum and I do see similarities. Family member isn't skanky because he isn't allowed to be but you do have to say things very bluntly to him "go and shower now, and change all your clothes" and he doesn't get offended at that at all.

At least you will have learnt never to agree to this again!

odig · 23/05/2018 08:39

Just a warning OP, that memory of the smell won't leave you any time soon. It took years for the smell flashbacks to go in my case.

Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 23/05/2018 08:44

I've messaged his family to explain and ask about whether he's receiving any social services (or equivalent) support at home. I told them I was concerned about his hygiene/ state of his clothing etc & whether this could be symptomatic of any underlying issues he needs support with.

One final very odd thing was this: he asked me to email his daughter to tell her the phone no of the hotel he will be going to so that she can tell her mother, so that her mother has the number if where he is to call himConfusedConfused

Why can he not just call HER from his hotel???? I complied as I was sick of arguing and just so elated he's going.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 23/05/2018 08:44

Well done on getting him gone.
I hope your house is back to 'smelling normal' very soon.
You have the patience of a saint.

Original poster
HasPegOnNose · 23/05/2018 08:44

I've messaged his family to explain and ask about whether he's receiving any social services (or equivalent) support at home. I told them I was concerned about his hygiene/ state of his clothing etc & whether this could be symptomatic of any underlying issues he needs support with.

One final very odd thing was this: he asked me to email his daughter to tell her the phone no of the hotel he will be going to so that she can tell her mother, so that her mother has the number if where he is to call himConfusedConfused

Why can he not just call HER from his hotel???? I complied as I was sick of arguing and just so elated he's going.

OP posts:
TheMaddHugger · 23/05/2018 08:52

Why can he not just call HER from his hotel????

He thinks it would cost him $$$ ??

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