Step DD and Rent

[YellowPansy23]

Currently step DD doesn’t pay rent. She gives us £50-£100 a month, pays her own phone, most of her food, etc... and is saving for uni.

DH says he doesn’t want her paying rent as if we charge her anymore it eats into her savings and we will end up giving her money for uni. So if she saves it instead of giving it to us for rent we are saving ourselves money in the future.

She is a good girl, helps around the house, her bedroom is spotless. She doesn’t stay out late, she’s respectful of our home and we have a good relationship. She is 20.

However I can’t help but feel she should pay more rent! We are not well off, but we have enough money to get by and see the odd film and go on a small holiday once a year. Step DD genuinely saves her money.

She’s off to Uni in September.

So who is BU? Me or DH?

FWIW I do love my SDD like my own daughter and I promise I am not a complete moody cow to her. Clearly I have misjudged the situation here, and I hope she doesn’t think horribly of me if there is a chance she’s picked up on it, which hopefully not as me and DH have only discussed this in private

I can see your frustrations at being shorter financially than you’d like to be, but I don’t think it’s fair to expect SDD to make up the difference.

Agree with Merryoldgoat you both need to try and earn more, if you are this close to the breadline. I know its easier said than done, but better than punishing your children.

You know that the apprentice minimum wage is only £3.70 p/h?
£200 per month may be too much for your daughter to be paying you, depending on how many hours she gets paid for, and once you deduct travel costs, any equipment she needs to buy etc.

You many be better to look at a % of the girls incomes as a fair compromise.

Well done for taking it all on board OP - a lot of people don't

I do think the real problem here is that DH has to let go of his low paying business - if he is working FT and it is bringing in £12k and you cannot afford to live on your combined income, he has to accept it is an expensive hobby and get a job.

No! She doesn’t need to pay anymore than what she is! She’s saving for uni ffs

I suppose it also annoys me that DH is fine for my DD to pay rent in September but not his own daughter.
The difference is that your DSD will be going to Uni and needs to save towards this, your DD will be starting her working life.

I think the issue also is that this is only coming up now. If you felt she needed to pay more rent, you should have mentioned it last year when she finished school.

Really what you want now is not her paying rent, but her helping you with your financial problems, which is very different. She might have sympathy with your situation and want to help, but she shouldn't be made to feel that she should do so because your financial situation is not her responsibility and shouldn't be.

It's only until September, and the more she saves of her income for getting through uni, the better her prospects of sticking uni out and moving on with her life. I think you're looking at the wrong thing - it's DH who needs to get a steady income, not taking from Dsd. She's the easy target, really - it's actually DH's hanging onto self-employment that's the problem.

OP, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I lived at home when I was at uni and had a part-time job, and paid my share of the bills - around £30 a week. I didn't feel resentful - why would I?? It was just the done thing for an adult to pay their way. Most of my friends did the same. My parents were hard up, and I would have felt guilty to make them spend money on me when I ate a share of the food, took baths etc.

I don't think you should actually make a PROFIT from family, but its perfectly reasonable for an adult to pay their share. If your daughter has a car at such a young age, then presumably she isn't struggling financially so can afford to chip in.

I don't know why so many people nowadays see people in their late teens/early twenties as snowflakes. They are adults. Of course, as a working and paying adult, I would also expect her to be treated as an adult in other ways - being able to bring friends home, stay out late, have a drink at home etc.

What's with all the 'we' and 'her'?

Ffs she's your step daughter. A daughter!

It should be 'us'.

You speak of her as though she's a distant friend.

You're awful. You sound jealous.

Regardless of how much drip feeding you're doing, you sound worse with each post.

I am British. Both my children are adults and both of them paid towards household expenses when they lived with me because it was what I expected. I didn't profit from the kids though, my money worries were mine and not theirs, I didn't expect them to cover the cost of my rent/electricity/gas bills. The gas and electric bills went down when they left home as did the telephone and food bills but every other bill stayed pretty much the same when they left home. How is your daughter going to be able to save any money if virtually all of her wage is going towards pay your mortgage? Isn't the early adulthood stage of life the time that we support our children and help them to become financially independent? I agree with them having some idea of what it is to pay rent etc but not to punish them to such an extent that they leave home to live in a grubby bedsit.

My mum charged my 17 year old brother for board when he was on a very low paid youth training scheme, her costs went down A lot when he left home. She only charged him £10 a week and it helped him budget a bit and he'd often give her more because she really had fuck all and struggled to pay bills most weeks. I wouldn't take it off my dd unless I was in financial hardship like my Mam was, but dd would offer to help if she had money coming in.

I don't think charging board is a bad thing in itself and is one of those things that families should decide for themselves, what is unfair is having different expectations on each of the kids. I don't think it's fair to have your dd who is still a child pay a lot more than her adult sister, who earns a lot more.

You say your sh is happy to take rent if your child, is it a case he thinks she should pay? Or is it he's not butting on your parenting choices in a similar way you're leaving him to choose what his dd pays? You're a family and they either both chip in an amount in proportion to their incomes (I'd personally not charge the 16 year old anything until she's 18) or you all look at ways to reduce household expenses if neither is to contribute. If downsizing needs to happen then they have to accept sharing a room.

Asking Adult on a full time wage to start paying her own car tax is fine. You say your dd will have to pay her own lesson, did her step sister have to pay for her own too? You could end up with your child feeling resentful you and her step dad expect her to pay more rent, and for lessons etc that her older sibling didn't have to because you and her father paid them.

My kids always paid 20% of their wages,

Time to stop piling in on the OP now. She sees she ibu.
I think it would be fair for dd and dsd to swap rooms once dsd goes to uni and also for both to pay the same if earnings are equal.
I know it's hard to live with people who have loads of disposable income, when you are struggling, but it's right to remember that she isn't actually costing you anything.
I have 4 dc, one at uni whose rent etc dh and I are supplementing and 2 more who are due to go next year and the year after. We are paying phone bills, driving lessons, extra A level tuition costs, food, clothing. The student loan people look at household income when assessing how much kids can borrow but take no account of the family's other financial commitments. Uni will work out very expensive for my family. I think you are getting off lightly tbh.

My children didn't pay rent until they were earning a living wage.

But if your DH business is costing you money and not going anywhere, may I respectfully suggest you treat it as the hobby it is, and he goes out and gets a job. And maybe you can get a full time one instead of an extra one.

Then you might not have to move

My mum charged me rent when I was 16 on a yts, I had to walk to and from work because I couldn’t afford the bus fare, whilst my mum, stepdad and sister went on holidays six times a year. I left home as soon as I could and I’ve never quite gotten over how mean she was taking the small amount I earnt! She did me a favour though because I vowed never to be broke again and worked all the hours I could. I would never dream of taking a penny off my kids to live at home, I understand if the family is poor you all have to pitch in, but she was just money grabbing. She’s still tight with money now and fairly miserable so I guess the two go hand in hamd!

There’s a few different approaches here. You are struggling for cash and that’s why you want extra money. I get that.

I know it might seem harsh that your sd has all this spare cash but it’s a small luxury given that for the rest of her life she will have to pay rent etc

If I was you I would have a family meeting. Tell both of your children your predicament about the rent and see what they say?

But generally I’d caution against looking at your kids to resolve your situation. Best to look at how you can improve your own circumstances going forward.

If you were my parents I’d genuinely want to pay the extra £100

Also don't forget that the loan she is taking, she'll have to repay when she is working, so she too might have to make compromises then, maybe having to work two jobs, or not take on the self-employment opportunities that came to her.

It is obvious that you love your SD and DD and so far, you've only looked at it from your financial position and anxieties related with it. You did the right thing posting here.

I suppose it depends whether you feel it is her home too or it's your home and you are just letting her stay there.

Oh so tricky. On the one side, £100 isn't a lot realistically and I agree with you that another £100 really shouldn't even dent her pocket

However.. you can't really compare this to what it would cost in a private rented place,given that she would have complete freedom and privacy which she doesn't have at home.

My parents demanded 25% from me when I was earning and it didn't take me long to figure out i was better to move out . I figure this was her intention all along! (We are now NC btw)

I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to ask.her to contribute a bit more and see what she says. Nor should you be paying any of her bills, that just doesn't make sense. If she's as reasonable as you say you might find she's happy to help.

Yabu, what she pays now is fine and she’s respectful towards your home, also saving for uni so she doesn’t need your help.
YaALSObu to want your daughter on APPRENTICESHIP wage to pay £200 a month!!!

I'd tell him your DD is only going to give £100/month then. Job done.

I think it's good that you have decided not to ask for extra OP and not to charge your own dd too much. As an aside, £80.00 pw at uni is not a lot. Bus fares, food, books, paper, pens etc all cost.

She shouldn't be paying rent. You should also be contributing to her university fund. That's what good parents do.

Yes because only parents on a wage high enough to contribute, are good parents.

I suppose it also annoys me that DH is fine for my DD to pay rent in September but not his own daughter.

I agree with you on this point, actually. What's sauce for goosey should be sauce for gander.

However, I don't agree with charging a 16/17 year old kid on an apprenticeship more than a nominal amount of rent, far less to the tune of £200 pm. I think you've said you will rethink that one though.

The issue is of course, parental earnings, not what the kids earn.