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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step DD and Rent

156 replies

YellowPansy23 · 20/05/2018 15:45

Currently step DD doesn’t pay rent. She gives us £50-£100 a month, pays her own phone, most of her food, etc... and is saving for uni.

DH says he doesn’t want her paying rent as if we charge her anymore it eats into her savings and we will end up giving her money for uni. So if she saves it instead of giving it to us for rent we are saving ourselves money in the future.

She is a good girl, helps around the house, her bedroom is spotless. She doesn’t stay out late, she’s respectful of our home and we have a good relationship. She is 20.

However I can’t help but feel she should pay more rent! We are not well off, but we have enough money to get by and see the odd film and go on a small holiday once a year. Step DD genuinely saves her money.

She’s off to Uni in September.

So who is BU? Me or DH?

OP posts:
spontaneousgiventime · 20/05/2018 16:15

I'm outta here. Wanting to make money off the back of your kids leaves a nasty taste in my mouth. I didn't charge my kids rent in their own home. Yes, they bought their own clothes, shoes, treats etc but rent - no!

swingofthings · 20/05/2018 16:17

Which is more than we have spare now.
This seems to be the crux of the issue. It's not her fault that you are not in the financial position you wish you had. Expecting a child to pay what they cost is fair enough, but expecting them to pay more just because you can't earn enough to have a good life is very selfish.

If you need more money, find a way to earn more, don't make it out of an amazing responsible young adult. You should be grateful to have such a mature kid, hopefully your own DD will be too.

happypoobum · 20/05/2018 16:17

How much will your DD be taking home from her apprenticeship?

Will the £200 include food and bills?

Which one of you isn't working FT? Are you or DH disabled? You cannot both be working FT and be earning £25k. Maybe you should look at increasing your income?

Petitepamplemousse · 20/05/2018 16:17

YABU!!!

Original poster
YellowPansy23 · 20/05/2018 16:17

It may seem horrid to some but it’s the way I have been taught. And like I said, clearly I am being unreasonable if the majority who have commented think I am. I posted this here to listen to feedback on whether I am wrong, clearly I am so I do intend to act on it.

For what it’s worth, I haven’t asked SDD for anymore money. I wouldn’t dream of doing that.

OP posts:
Mountainsoutofmolehills · 20/05/2018 16:19

I'd give her a break and let her be young..... you can't look to profit from your children.

mustbemad17 · 20/05/2018 16:20

Why will your DH expect your DD to pay £200 a month when his DD is only paying £100? Seems a bit unfair....

TheOriginalEmu · 20/05/2018 16:20

My children won't be paying rent to live in their home and it won't stop being their home just because they turn 18

well, some people aren't in a financial position to do that tabatha so I feel that comment is very judgemental.

Happinesss · 20/05/2018 16:20

You can’t charge your dd £200 a month when doing an app renter ship yet charge your step daughter £50-£100! That’s not on! Your step daughter is working full time.
They should be paying the same.

jamoncrumpets · 20/05/2018 16:20

My parents never charged me rent until I graduated from uni. So I went home got holidays etc, and didn't give them anything. They accepted that every penny I earned went towards funding my accommodation/bills/fees. We too had a three bed house with 3 kids, though by the time I was 18 my older sister had pretty much moved out for good.

I think YABU to expect either kid to pay rent before uni. How have you survived until now? Surely a 19 year old is no more expensive than a 16 year old?

I moved back with them for two years from 22-24. Then I sat down with them and we worked out what a reasonable amount was, for both sides. Think it was about £200-250. But this was AFTER uni.

WhiteCoyote · 20/05/2018 16:20

It’s not up to the child (or stepchild) to pay for the family bills. A contribution, yes, which is what she’s doing. It’s not her fault energy prices have gone up. My parents bled me for every tiny penny before I left home, called it rent and “a lesson”. Constantly said if I was out on my own I’d be paying more. Left a lot of money confusion and resentment, but most importantly, left me feeling like they only appreciated my monetary value and it wasn’t really my home, only somewhere I rented. It hurt a lot.

If your daughter is paying £200 then it’s only fair for both to pay the same, or if sd is paying less then it’s only fair for her to have a smaller room than your daughter. It’s about equality not about bills rising.

RLOU88 · 20/05/2018 16:20

You are definitely drip feeding here OP, every time people don’t agree with you out comes a new post from you with further info (she has the bigger room etc).

She sounds lovely. You ABU

aaarrrggghhhh · 20/05/2018 16:22

YABU.

titchy · 20/05/2018 16:23

I haven’t asked SDD for anymore money. I wouldn’t dream of doing that.

Of course you would! If everyone here had said you were perfectly reasonable to ask for more money you'd do exactly that. Don't say you wouldn't dream of it...

Depending on how much your dd earns as an apprentice £200 may well be far too much. Why not the same - £100 a month and she buys her own food.

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 20/05/2018 16:23

She DOES pay rent. Tbh it sounds like you want her to pay more just because you have very little disposable income.

She pays for her own food, her own phone etc. I doubt she us using £50-100 a month worth of utilities.

"I just feel like our bills are going up, we do need some money and she has £1200 a month or so spare."

"We have a three bedroom house we can’t afford, hence the reason for wanting more money."

You go on about her being an adult and should pay her own way, while wanting her to subsidise the increase in bills and you paying for a house you cannot afford.

Original poster
YellowPansy23 · 20/05/2018 16:24

We were both self employed but then our self employed income dipped to about £12,000, which was a large drop. I then picked up hours in retail which brings in about the same, so just under 25k household income. DH needs to get a job and let go of being self employed, however we both worked incredibly hard to get our little business off the ground and he’s not keen to ‘give up’ on it even though it’s become pointless and money eating.

So one of us working MW in retail and the other self employed on very basic money has led to our current situation.

OP posts:
PlatypusPie · 20/05/2018 16:25

She sounds like a wonderful, sensible young lady who is working hard to fund herself through uni, and you sound resentful and grasping. Some people do pay their child’s way through uni, most at least try to help out as much as they can ( and for some that is going to be impossible if they are alone, or unable to work etc) but having enough and yet demanding rent whilst the child is trying to save up before they go is a level of meanness I am not familiar with. Try having two there at the same time ! It’s a period of belt tightening that responsible parents take in their stride. Yes, YABVU

Merryoldgoat · 20/05/2018 16:25

What is the work situation for you and your DH?

siwel123 · 20/05/2018 16:26

YABU. She gives you money. Pays for most things herself.

You're just being a class cunt. Make the decision, let her save and get through uni or felt her give you more money and then have to support her through uni. Simples.

TeenTimesTwo · 20/05/2018 16:26

My 18yo is doing an apprenticeship. We don't take rent but we don't pay her car tax either! We paid first year's car insurance, but when that comes up for renewal soon DD will pay for it herself. She is entirely 'self funding' for car, clothes, phone, entertainment, holidays with BF.

We don't need the money and she is saving responsibly.

Carolynnnna · 20/05/2018 16:26

She shouldn't be paying rent. You should also be contributing to her university fund. That's what good parents do.

Merryoldgoat · 20/05/2018 16:27

Cross post. Your DH needs a job. Your children aren’t responsible for your poor choices.

TeenTimesTwo · 20/05/2018 16:27

posted too soon.

However, it sounds as if she earns almost as much as you or your DH, and has higher disposable income, in which case, a higher contribution wouldn't be unreasonable.

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 20/05/2018 16:27

"But we can’t afford it and I suppose I have to accept that we are living beyond our means instead of getting the kids to subsidise it"

Well.....yes. Of course!

Original poster
YellowPansy23 · 20/05/2018 16:28

I appreciate me and DH need to get our act together financially and I accept we are letting it effect our children. I will speak to him tonight, share the comments here and that we are being childish and hiding our heads in the sand.

However I will ask SDD to pay car tax. I think that much is reasonable.

And I will tell my own DD that we expect a contribution from her but not £200, seeing as people that is too much. I shall suggest £50-£100 seeing as SDD gave us that much money.

I appreciate that my shitty finances is making me take it out on my children.

OP posts: