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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder wtf I should say?

158 replies

Istolethisusername · 20/05/2018 11:36

When I had my daughter my SIL (married to partners brother) brought round a big suitcase of clothes and a Moses basket for us. Nothing fancy, just your standard supermarket/high street stuff.

Me and partner split up, her and her dh divorced and we both moved away and lost touch.

I’ve just had a Facebook friend request and message from her - her eldest daughter has just had a dd and she would like all the stuff back she gave us.

Trouble is, my daughter is now 15 and I gave it all away to the charity shop years ago.

She never specified it was a loan, never asked for it back at any time, and I’m a bit perplexed that she has assumed that I have stored it all these years (I gave all my baby stuff away years ago)

Was I wrong to get rid of it?

How do I reply?

OP posts:
lhastingsmua · 20/05/2018 13:57

Unfortunately the stuff may have been £500 brand new, but it’s nowhere near that value 15+ years later and after being used by her kids and yours!

I would say that your costs of storage would completely engulf the current value of the stuff, and give her your PayPal if she’s ready to rectify her mistake?

Also op you’re being naive. After so many years of not being in touch, I don’t think she wants to rekindle a friendship - or have your kids interact more.

Foxysoxy10 · 20/05/2018 14:00

Yep she’s unhinged.

You need to be firm but polite with her.

Stop it dead now before it escalates.
Either like the posts above and say it was years ago, can’t reasonably expect someone to keep stuff on the off chance for 15 years, she needs to pay you storage costs for however long you did have it etc etc or just pass it back to your EX and let him deal with it.

Alternatively you could just send a link to this thread as a reply Grin

HeebieJeebies456 · 20/05/2018 14:09

How extremely rude and grabby of her!
She's not looking to rekindle a friendship , if she was she's had over a decade to do it.

I'm afraid my fuse would be well and truly lit at her reply and i would bite back accordingly -

Oh no, I’m very disappointed. Giving away someone elses property, even if to charity, is not good form
"I'm shocked at your lack of awareness and poor memory - when you gave me the stuff 15 years ago you made no mention of them being on loan.....nor that you expected me to provide free storage until you had a gc!"

There were over £500 worth of clothes and accessories altogether
"I disagree. They were not worth £500 even back then -esp as they were pre-used/secondhand hand-me-downs."

That I cannot afford to replace. Nor should I have to
"I completely agree-you should not have to - afterall the baby has two parents of its own and it's their responsibility."

How do you suggest we rectify your mistake?
"Your child having a baby when they can't afford even basic essentials is not MY mistake! I suggest you ask the father of your child to contribute instead of making unreasonable, grabby demands of a relative stranger you've had no contact with for over a decade"

Original poster
Istolethisusername · 20/05/2018 14:18

Thank you nosquirrels your reply was perfect (leaving out the I assumed)

She’s read it but not replied.

She has 3 dd, Her eldest would be 20/21. I have no idea if it was unplanned and not really my place to ask.

The Moses basket didn’t look like a special one - just your standard wicker basket with big frilly lacy trimmings (which I changed straight away)

The stuff was all given with no conditions attached - I’d maybe understand a bit better if she’d said she wanted them back at the time. I probably wouldn’t have taken them as wouldn’t want to be responsible for making sure they were kept nice - I tended to use second hand stuff for messy/garden play, but she gave them as if I was doing her a favour by taking them.

Feeing quite sad that this is possibly the end of a chance for the kids to all rekindle.

OP posts:
Mycatsarebetterthanyours · 20/05/2018 14:26

She's an absolute cf. I doubt she expected you to have kept them & she just wants cash.

ObiJuanKenobi · 20/05/2018 14:27

She sounds nuts! I wouldn't mourn the loss of a chance to rekindle for the kids - you've made it this long happy enough without them

ShmooBooMoo · 20/05/2018 14:28

Keeping it calm, polite and non-confrontational is the best way forward, I think. Something like:
Fifteen years ago when I received gifts of a Moses basket and clothing from you for my baby, there was never any stipulation from you - spoken or otherwise - that they should be returned to you at any point. Quite understandably, then, while I appreciated the gifts, when I no longer had use for them and they were taking up unnecessary space, I donated them to a local charity in the hope they may further benefit others.
If there was an error it was yours, not mine, in failing to make any conditions at the time clear. I wish you and yours well with the baby.

Then block (I know you said you'd like to stay in touch but there's really no point, is there?)
She wouldn't have a leg to stand on if she tried to take it further.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 20/05/2018 14:33

Oh i hate all that giving things and then asking for them back, and after 15 years.
If she'd have said they're only to lend you my have been more inclined to refuse them.
If you haven't got them you haven't got them. Whats she going to do take you to court.

expatinscotland · 20/05/2018 14:36

Don't feel sad! She's a cheeky fucker. You and your kids don't need that shit in your lives. I'd block her. Seriously. She's fucking batshit and grabby beyond belief. I'd have just blocked her with no response at all. It's really insulting to have done this to you.

gamerchick · 20/05/2018 14:39

Well the average rate of storage is £2.80 pcm per square foot so 15 years of storing approx 10 sqft of your things comes in at £5040
So we can knock off the £500 value as a gesture of goodwill leaving the remaining balance at £4540

I was just going to suggest something like this, it's funny when they don't reply Grin

Awrite · 20/05/2018 14:47

You better not give her a penny.

MrsMozart · 20/05/2018 14:54

She's barking mad.

Either block or do the storage thing.

expatinscotland · 20/05/2018 14:54

Just cut her loose. Don't stick your hand in the crazy.

Whereismumhiding2 · 20/05/2018 14:55

I'm glad you went with nosquirrels reply without the assumed.
So you replied... (?)..
Gosh - sorry you're disappointed. You gave it to us as you had no more use for it. If you wanted it back you should have said years ago. It wasn't a mistake - I couldn't store baby gear long-term. We'll both have to chalk this up to a misunderstanding, I'm afraid

That's an excellent reply. If she moans at all, or replies anything other than a "oh ta, never mind, I thought it worth asking..", then block her as she really is batshit and will be a pain.

BelieveAnything · 20/05/2018 14:59

Lol,
I just caught up with the thread and saw the ex SILs last message. I wouldn't take this seriously. I think she is trolling you. It's so ridiculous that it's clearly just being done for entertainment and to wind you up.
I wonder if she is a Mumsnetter and has set out to get a thread written about her!!! If so She is probably aspiring to get her crazy story in the Daily Fail!

EX-SIL 1, OP 0. Wink

MrsDilber · 20/05/2018 15:01

You've done nothing that is unreasonable at all.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/05/2018 15:03

Bonkers

astoundedgoat · 20/05/2018 15:04

I don't think she realistically expects it back. She was chancing it just in case you were one of those people who keeps EVERYTHING and is trying a bit of cf-ery to guilt you in case there is £100 forthcoming. You've handled it perfectly - I doubt she'll push it.

If you do get sucked into a dialogue, you could point out what you said in your second post - that you had been looking for her for years, and had given up.

sockunicorn · 20/05/2018 15:13

I would have sent a quick "what do you want me to do with these?" messages after I was done to be fair, but only really in regards to the moses basket as its a big item. Its ridiculous to expect you to have them after 15 years.

I would have suggested you offer to buy a brand new moses basket for her. HOWEVER after her cockwomble of a reply I would just tell her to get real and leave it at that. Clearly she didnt want to know you or would have contacted you before now. Shes just after something for free.

PieAndPumpkins · 20/05/2018 15:14

I was also thinking along the storage fee to charge her back. She definitely sounds bonkers and a chancer.

bridgetreilly · 20/05/2018 15:14

Tell her the truth, obviously.

bridgetreilly · 20/05/2018 15:16

Okay, RTFT. She is bonkers. Refer her to your ex and let him deal with it.

Whereismumhiding2 · 20/05/2018 15:18

@HeebieJeebies456 GrinGrin spells out what we are all thinking..! She really is being most ridiculous and grabby after all this time.

kateandme · 20/05/2018 15:19

don't overthink this.youve come for so many years without this in ur life.i know you had a soft spot for wanting a friendship but doesn't sound like it will be helpful or nice for you if it did.

ChocoholicsAsylum · 20/05/2018 15:27

OMG I have read it all now!! I seriously thought I had read CF threads and they couldnt get worse but..... HAHAHA!!!!!

If it was 500 pounds worth why did she even give you it with no t&c! Shes at it! You are gutted I understand, but please dont go soft!