Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious at bf’s brother and bf

245 replies

Ihavenamechangedforthis33 · 20/05/2018 07:59

My Boyfriends brother asked my BF to borrow him £25 yesterday and seen this morning on Facebook that he went to the cinema last night on a going nowhere date. Wtf? Why ask to borrow money and then go somewhere expensive like the cinema? I suggested posting something sarcastic about it on his Facebook and bf had a proper go at me. I am now sat in the garden to get away from him shouting and trying to enjoy the sunshine but it hasn’t reached the garden yet.

AIBU to think If you ask to borrow money from someone you don’t then just waste the money on things you don’t need? I assumed his brother was in a desperate situation when he asked. I am furious not that he borrowed his brother money but that brother then went out and watched a film at the cinema needlessly hoping for a shag I asked bf when he expected to get the money back and he said He doesn’t know. I think he is an absolute pushover and an easy target for his brother to keep asking him all the time. I would have told him no and to fuck off!

Not pushing it further but that is 25 pound that he probably won’t get back now. After a nice day yesterday watching the RW it has since been ruined by this mornings antics. Have posted about him before and was told BU last time but brother is a SCFS (super cheeky fucker scrounger). Should I raise the point of ensuring the money is paid back or just drop it even though I’m fuming about it?

OP posts:
miffytherabbit1974 · 20/05/2018 16:59

"...Just don’t get how nobody can see my side."

Sometimes there aren't two sides. For example, if a person is innocently waiting at a bus queue and a random person approaches and punches them in the face, there are no "two sides" - just one side of a person being treated badly. The same applies here. There is no "your side." You haven't been treated badly so, unless there's something you've omitted which we could not possibly know, you are in the wrong. He didn't do anything wrong lending the money, and unfortunately for you, your feelings, hurt or otherwise, hold no sway in this particular instance.

ILoveDolly · 20/05/2018 17:01

How nice of your bf to give his brother money to go on a date. He sounds a lot nicer than you, you come across as an ignorant, petty manipulator. Maybe your bf is a pushover, you better be careful though because if he does start to toughen up then you'll be on the way out not his brother. You can't win this, but you can make it go away by backing off and finding better things to worry about.

mimibunz · 20/05/2018 17:02

You are too controlling. He’s a grown man, working and making his own money I assume.

JustWomanWillDoThanks · 20/05/2018 17:07

There's a few members of family on both sides who ovcasionaly ask to borrow money, they often don't pay it back either.

Bil currently owes DH £100, he's posted purchases on Facebook since and it's never entered my head to shame him on Facebook by letting all his mates know I don't think he should have been able to have a few pints or wherever as he had to borrow from us they say before.

Nor will I be chasing him up to pay dh back either because I won't 'allow' him to be taken advantage of. Dh knows his brothers form and if he's chosen to loan him an amount he knows he's unlikely to get back then that's up to him.

I'd be very angry if my dh suggested shaming my sister on Facebook or chasing her to pay me back. Thankfully we both treat each other as individuals and wouldn't loan money out we couldn't afford to lose or interfere in financial stuff that doesn't involve the other.

I'd actually consider leaving if he asked me to make arsey comment like that to my sister in public or that he gets to choose what my sister should spend money she hasn't borrowed from him on. Weird.

MagicMojito · 20/05/2018 17:11

Yanbu to be irritated by it but you are most definitely being unreasonable to try to do anything about it. It's not your money, your brother or your decision.
I'm not going to kick you while your down as I have a tendency to behave in quite a controlling way too but it's my job and responsibility to check myself and back off even if I feel things are not necessarily going the way I think they should and not act all gloaty when it turns out my way would have been a better way to do thingsGrin

It's quite important to get a handle of this as it really could end up costing you your relationship.

Good intentions are not an excuse to control people. X

scrumples · 20/05/2018 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsPavlichenko · 20/05/2018 17:25

The issue is that it isn't your responsibility to stop your BF being taken advantage of, If he is in fact. If it is not a joint purse that it comes from then it isn't anything to do with you. It isn't up to you to see it's paid back either. Unless your BF is asking for your help then best to keep out no matter that it annoys you. You are not responsible for their relationship. It is clearly annoying your BF, winding you up pointlessly and almost certainly damaging your relationship.

Re the borrow/lend thing. We don't use them interchangeably here, but I have seen them used that way in books and tv/films so fair enough.

Sashkin · 20/05/2018 17:43

I remember your last thread. You should link to it so people get the full picture; people were not just telling you that YWBU, they were telling you that you sounded controlling and abusive.

You’ve learned nothing, I see.

MeMyShelfandIkea · 20/05/2018 17:47

I get that's it's annoying for you. But you have a DP problem, not a brother problem. If it's not joint finances then it's not down to you to decide where your DP's boundaries should lie when it comes to his family (violence/abuse aside obviously). If you can't learn to detach from it it'll drive your relationship apart.

SteveMcGarrettsBudgieSmugglers · 20/05/2018 21:09

your bf loaning his brother money is none of your business, its his money to do what ever he wants with. What bil does with it also none of your business.

Suggesting your bf publicly shames bil for borrowing and spending money he was happy to lend him not borrow is just plain nasty

your bf is probably well aware he wont get his money back, but he chooses to loan your bil the money anyway, he obviously cares about his brother more than the money, sounds like a great person who you are going to loose if you dont stop being an sulky arsehole who throws a tantrum everytime he chooses to give bil money

MadMags · 20/05/2018 21:24

You're controlling and abusive, and he needs to get rid of you.

I suggest you go away, get some professional help with your control and anger issues, learn to mind your own business, learn basic grammar, and leave your poor boyfriend alone.

DistanceCall · 20/05/2018 22:36

You may think that your BF's brother is taking advantage of your BF, and get upset. You can talk to your BF about it.

But if your BF thinks that it's all right and wants to continue to lend money to his brother, then that's none of your business. You can leave him if you want, but you can't force your BF to do what you think he should do.

And you don't get to "allow" your BF to do or not do anything. He's not your child. Or your slave.

NC4Now · 20/05/2018 22:47

Presumably the brother borrowed the money to go to the cinema.
If my brother had a date lined up and was skint, I’d lend him £25 till payday.
That’s family.

TheMonkeyMummy · 20/05/2018 23:06

It's not a regional thing. It's just incorrect.

stresslessb · 20/05/2018 23:55

Don't have anything to add to the money situation Hmm but ...
When I moved to the area I live in now everyone used to say for example "can you borrow me a tenner ?" I found it so confusing because obviously it is lend. So it might possibly be a regional thing

Ruffian · 21/05/2018 00:04

You're controlling and abusive, and he needs to get rid of you Ridiculous overstatement.

OP I remember your other thread on this same subject, no matter how many times you ask it will be the same answer -YABU. Your bf has the right to give his brother money and it's not your business, if you value your relationship you must learn to accept that fact.

HeedMove · 21/05/2018 00:14

Imagine actually falling out with your partner for being generous and caring to his own sibling. Poor guy.

Fuckwithnosensesauce · 21/05/2018 01:14

I genuinely can’t believe you are back with the same nonsense as last time. Your poor, poor DP. I have no idea how he puts up with you sticking your nose in and giving your opinions about what he does with his money. Can’t you look at the positive side...he sounds like a nice, generous man. Lots of women on MN would love to be around someone like that.

PLEASE, PLEASE keep your opinions about BF and his brother to yourself and leave the two of them the fuck alone!

incywincybitofa · 21/05/2018 11:55

There is something you aren't telling us about your relationship. There has to be, nothing else explains why you are still together.

Do you own the flat or both of you?
You expect to have a lot of say in how he runs his life (which is sinister) but does he impact on how you live yours?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/05/2018 12:27

You're controlling and abusive, and he needs to get rid of you Ridiculous overstatement

I don't think it is really. Snatching peoples phones away and cutting off their calls, claiming the entire weekend has been ruined, telling bf to put sarcastic comments on FB, sulking in the garden then grudgingly saying you might be unreasonable but you won't apologise til much later. All because a grown man has let his brother borrow some of HIS not their money. That is controlling, abusive and downright pathetic and deserves nothing but contempt and dumping imo

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread