Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable about DH and cooking.

155 replies

Shinygoldbauble · 19/05/2018 19:06

When I met my now DH he was fine about cooking. Before we had children he did about 30% of the cooking. Nothing fancy but quite capable of getting the groceries and preparing a meal.
Once we had kids and i became a SAHM I gradually started doing more until meal planning, shopping and cooking became almost 100% my thing.
I'm fine with it for the most part. DH works long hours and i have recently returned to some part time work.
I was working for a few hours today, on my feet the whole time doing very tiring work. DH did some grocery shopping while I was out and he was supposed to be doing the evening meal.
He just started cooking. He has a tiny steak - it won't come close to feeding 4 of us and he knows I'm not keen on steak. He is cooking about 5 tiny potatoes with it.
He didn't think of me at all. There is nothing for my dinner.
It's not the first time this has happened. If he is cooking for the family he invariably cooks something I'm not keen on and never cooks enough.
And now he's annoyed with me for being critical. I'm so fed up.

OP posts:
FusionChefGeoff · 19/05/2018 22:58

I would genuinely have laughed at that plate and asked him outright there and then what is this??!!!

Put him on the spot and ask how he thought that could ever be called 'dinner'

That's what I would pick at in the kitchen whilst serving up!!! Not even close to an actual meal

willsa · 19/05/2018 23:00

...sorry OP, but I do think there is something off with the dynamic between you both.
It is absolutely out of order what he has done and there is NO WAY would I let it rest ( and him sleep ).

Do you feel intimidated by him?

FlyingDandelionSeed · 19/05/2018 23:00

DH said he was fine with what he ate

So give him that much at every meal from now on.

You and the kids dig into bowls of spag bol, he gets three strands of spaghetti and a teaspoon of mince...etc

Rocinante1 · 19/05/2018 23:00

There seems to be no hope here. He really doesn’t understand that what he fed his children is not enough? And he won’t even talk about, and he’s sulking. Oh no.

Imchlibob · 19/05/2018 23:18

He's not an idiot, of course he understands how inadequate this meal was.

Fuck the mind games and revenge retaliations suggested up thread. No. Have more self respect than that

You clearly do not have a functional relationship with this man. How can the two of you fail to communicate with one another so fundamentally that you can't properly discuss how to provide reasonable nourishment for the famil

That is such a toxic environment for your kids to grow up in. For their sake you need to split up so you can stop this ridiculous power-play and focus on their needs primarily from now on, with each of you taking a reasonable proportion of responsibilities.

LalalalaaaCantHearYou · 19/05/2018 23:30

I’d do an extremely large belch and say something along the lines of
“Phew I’m so full I ate like a king.”

ReturnofSaturn · 19/05/2018 23:50

Are you scared of him OP?

reallyanotherone · 20/05/2018 00:03

So, from now on, only cook for yourself and the kids

I never get this train of thought. O/p is no better off, she’s still cooking for 3 people, same effort as cooking for 4.

The dh is left not having to cook at all. He can buy himself ready meals, takeaway, beans on toast, whatever. But it is far easier than having to plan, shop and cook for an adult and two kids.

It takes the responsibilty away from him. Surely a better plan would be for o/p to say she’ll sort herself out in future, and sh only need cook for himself and dc..

Kingsclerelass · 20/05/2018 00:54

It’s such a weird thing to do. Was he trying to make a point about what was for supper - ie He wants steak not fish fingers, and had intended to eat it all himself. Or is he trying to imply you all spend too much on food.

He’s not a Man Utd fan is he - having a bad evening?

Ya definitely nbu.

sandgrown · 20/05/2018 01:11

I have been working Saturdays and DP has a day off. Last week I expected him to have made tea for us and teenage DS but nothing appeared and I ended up ordering (and paying for )a take away. This week I asked him to get something for tea which I knew would be late due to football. I watched highlights of the wedding while he watched footie. About 9pm I told him I was starving so he told me to make tea then! I said I thought you were making it and his response was you only told me to go to the shop!
I always make tea on my days off during the week. I made a snack just for me and he had the cheek to ask what I was having!

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 20/05/2018 01:46

As someone who once lived in situations like yours OK, I can safely say that I don't miss that shit at all.
Posters laughing at dinner may want to think on before coming on to report such info tho. Seriously guys.
Ok who mentioned 'toxic' is right. There must be other stuff as this in isolation would be even more PA .
I am singly due to bereavement and after 22 years of married divorced engaged then widowed. Going for the full Henry eight. Actually just going to ride it out single for longer as it's so much easier. You think taking something away would reduce you but in fact it only adds more meaning. 😁😁
I hope you're ok OK and asleep now. Tomorrow don't interact with him even though that might mean park and picnic etc
How do you feel when you return home with the kid's, wondering what sort of man you'll be coming home too

Not telling you to Ltb . Just wondering if you posting here is a sign that you want this to stop (who the fuck wants that to be the status quo.?)
Anyway it's late and all. Night night.
Not proofreading as it's six lines at a time on this phone and eleventy billion ways of removing it at any tap at keyboard. Sorry for ťypos in advance

Toofle · 20/05/2018 08:55

It's called strategic incompetence. You could tell him that from me.

pandarific · 20/05/2018 09:14

Yes the food thing is off. From the other things you said it doesn’t sound to me as if he’s generally a terrible partner, just he hates cooking and won’t admit/communicate that though he pulls his weight in other areas. That’s worrying, you should be a partnership, able to talk openly about anything.

the bigger thing here is your marriage is in serious trouble. You don’t think he likes you much any more - you’re not sure how you feel about him.

This is the canary in the coal mine. Seriously op, forget about dinner, talk to him calmly about how you’re worried your marriage is in trouble, you know he’s unhappy, how you (don’t, I assume?) want to break up. Suggest booking in some counselling and trying to make you all happier again. If, as I assume, you don’t want to break up. Flowers

Eliza9917 · 20/05/2018 09:24

What did the kids say to him when he served that up?

I agree he ate at the shop.

Are you going to talk to him about it today op?

3luckystars · 20/05/2018 09:24

Is it always this hard to talk to him?
Forget about the dinner for a minute, does he often walk off and ignore you, sulk away and go to bed without speaking like he is doing now? If so then you have a communication problem on your hands and this is nothing to do with cooking at all.

I’d advise you to speak to a counselor to help with your communication. Good luck.

TERFragetteCity · 20/05/2018 09:24

OP if you are not scared of him you need to tell him that he need to sort himself out.

If you are scared of telling him that - then you and the kids need to get away from him.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/05/2018 09:32

There are only 2 reasons he would do this. One is that he’s a passive aggressive cock. Two is that he is concerned about money for a reason you’re not aware of yet - eg his job is at risk, he has debts he hasn’t told you about etc

I couldn’t leave it like that. I would have to know WHY he’d done that.

NellyFrestelli · 20/05/2018 09:44

Passive aggressive cock or passive aggressive cook?

Sorry, I'll get my coat.

OP, this has to be dealt with head on! It is an impossible situation that is only going to get worse and everyone is going to suffer. Can you get rid of the kids and thrash it out? Chin up and confront the whole car crash that this is. Good luck x

Motoko · 20/05/2018 09:53

So, he gets defensive and shuts you down when you try to talk to him? And do you allow him to shut you down, or do you keep on?

He deliberately made only enough for one person, him, but for some reason backed down and served it to all of you. I suspect he was expecting you to give in and sort something out for you and the kids.

If he refuses to discuss the way your marriage is (not) working, you only have one option, and that's to end it. It's not on to allow your children to suffer. You may have given them something else to eat later, but how on earth did they feel when their dad gave them so little for dinner?
It's not just between you and him, this is affecting the kids too.

Shadow666 · 20/05/2018 10:22

I think counseling is the best approach. The meal is one thing but the sulking and refusing to talk about it is a huge problem. You sound so unhappy Sad

Maelstrop · 20/05/2018 10:27

I think you need a serious chat with him. If he won’t, suggest counselling.

Original poster
Shinygoldbauble · 20/05/2018 11:32

We didn't talk yet. I won't argue in front of the kids.
He definitely knows he was being an arse yesterday though. He went out early and filled my car with petrol and he is now spring cleaning the kitchen.
I'm not afraid of him in any way.
He has always been a bad communicator. He hates to argue.
Probably because his parents had the most awful passive-aggressive silent war of a marriage. They only actually argued openly once and it led to an immediate acrimonious split.

OP posts:
Shadow666 · 20/05/2018 11:35

I think he should be expected to cook dinner for everyone every Saturday. Make it a regular thing. Maybe he fucked up this week but he can do it properly next week.

It doesn’t have to be an argument. Just a talk.

Clutterbugsmum · 20/05/2018 11:37

He's an Idiot, he would rather be hungry then apologise for his error.

You need to have a serious chat with him, about his expectations of what is a decent meal for your family.

If he won't listen because his pride is getting in his way then I would either not cook him any meals or I would dish up his 'perfect' size dinner for him for a week and then ask him he now wants to talk about last night dinner.

Rainydaydog · 20/05/2018 11:48

Sort him out OP. I take it you don't mind a bit of simple food on his nights to cook? Jacket potatoes, pasta or even a good quality ready meal sometimes(family size not an individual one shared between you btw). If so there is no reason he can't do it even if he isn't a great cook.

Swipe left for the next trending thread