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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable about DH and cooking.

155 replies

Shinygoldbauble · 19/05/2018 19:06

When I met my now DH he was fine about cooking. Before we had children he did about 30% of the cooking. Nothing fancy but quite capable of getting the groceries and preparing a meal.
Once we had kids and i became a SAHM I gradually started doing more until meal planning, shopping and cooking became almost 100% my thing.
I'm fine with it for the most part. DH works long hours and i have recently returned to some part time work.
I was working for a few hours today, on my feet the whole time doing very tiring work. DH did some grocery shopping while I was out and he was supposed to be doing the evening meal.
He just started cooking. He has a tiny steak - it won't come close to feeding 4 of us and he knows I'm not keen on steak. He is cooking about 5 tiny potatoes with it.
He didn't think of me at all. There is nothing for my dinner.
It's not the first time this has happened. If he is cooking for the family he invariably cooks something I'm not keen on and never cooks enough.
And now he's annoyed with me for being critical. I'm so fed up.

OP posts:
HarryLovesDraco · 19/05/2018 20:05

Do you like him?

Original poster
Shinygoldbauble · 19/05/2018 20:08

I work very few hours outside the home so I don't find it unreasonable to do the bulk of house stuff Mon-Fri.
I find the constant planning, buying, preparation of food mentally daring after years of it.
I'd love to sit down for one meal that i had nothing to do with preparing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shinygoldbauble · 19/05/2018 20:10

I used to fucking adore him Harry, not so much these days but there's still something there.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 19/05/2018 20:11

You need to decide what you want him to do and have a frank talk about it.

How about you both sit down to meal plan and make a shopping list for the week so you’re sharing the mental load. Order it online to be delivered when you’re both in. Allocate him a specific meal to cook (or two or three depending on what you think is fair).

number1wang · 19/05/2018 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KirstenRaymonde · 19/05/2018 20:17

What a horrible man. He cooked enough for one person to feed him, his wife and children. This is not the action of a man that loves his family and says an awful lot. I’d be asking him why he doesn’t think you and the children are worth feeding properly.

autumnleaf1 · 19/05/2018 20:18

I don't agree with meal planing with him. That's an extra burden for you and then you'll have to ask him every week to plan with you, and if he doesn't you're left with being told you're 'nagging' him or you're left to do the whole thing alone. I would be honest with him and tell him that the dinner was ridiculous and you won't be cooking for him again until he starts making some decent meals. For tonight, I'd get a take away for you and the children.

Tonkerbea · 19/05/2018 20:22

I'm angry for you OP!

What do you think he's say if you told him this has upset you?

I'd be upset if my DH showed such a lack of consideration for me and the kids.

Original poster
Shinygoldbauble · 19/05/2018 20:24

I'm going to try and talk to him about how disrespectful it is not to provide an adequate meal when it's his turn.
I've no intention of helping him plan etc. He's an intelligent man. He's well able to do it if he wants to.
I think that's the key - if he doesn't want to then it shows how bad things are.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 19/05/2018 20:25

I've no intention of helping him plan etc. He's an intelligent man. He's well able to do it if he wants to.

I didn’t mean you helping him plan, I meant him helping you. You said you were fed up of having all the responsibility for food... I find the constant planning, buying, preparation of food mentally daring after years of it.

Original poster
Shinygoldbauble · 19/05/2018 20:26

To be honest I'd be more accepting if he had the courage to say he hates doing a meal and are there other ways he could help/make Saturday takeaway night/anything really than pretending he is going to do it and then letting us down.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 19/05/2018 20:27

Oh dear.

PurpleDaisies · 19/05/2018 20:28

Actually, helping you is the wrong word. Doing his fair share and contributing to sorting out food for the week is what I meant.

Original poster
Shinygoldbauble · 19/05/2018 20:29

Sorry purple took you up wrong.

I think the crux of the matter is that I'm fine doing all the meals 6 days a week but I'd love to get to a place where I could sit down to eat on Saturday without having given it a single thought all day.

OP posts:
Pa1oma · 19/05/2018 20:30

OP this is very strange behaviour indeed. I would sit him down now and ask him what's going on. Nobody in their right mind would do one thin steak for 4 people.

It sounds like he had only bought food for himself and was planning on you sorting out yourself and the kids. I can't think of another explanation.

PurpleDaisies · 19/05/2018 20:33

No worries. If you’re genuinely happy doing six days a week (you’re kinder than I am!), then you lay down the law that Saturday is his day and he has to sort everything out. Give him a chance to do the right thing and think seriously about what the consequences will be if he shows that he doesn’t care about you or the children.

SardineReturns · 19/05/2018 20:34

"To be honest I'd be more accepting if he had the courage to say he hates doing a meal and are there other ways he could help/make Saturday takeaway night/anything really than pretending he is going to do it and then letting us down."

You see this would be fine for me. It's about honesty and partnership. About sharing out the work, according to who has what time when, who likes doing what, and then the shit gets covered off.

So yes, if he hates cooking then he should have said, I really really don't want to cook. Let's get a takeaway, have a pub lunch and then snack for supper, or anything ,

but also

If you are sick of cooking why should you have to do it? It cuts both ways.

You can't very well say oh I hate it let's get a takeaway every night...

He's BU is bottom line.

Rocinante1 · 19/05/2018 20:34

I can’t believe you accepted that. I just don’t understand how you didn’t throw that plate at him.

Firstly, have you made something extra for the kids? It doesn’t matter whose job it was to make dinner tonight, your kids need fed so did you get them something else to fill them up?

Have you asked your husband if that dinner was meant just for him and he’s tried to spread it out because he forgot/hoped he didn’t have to cook for everyone? Because I can’t believe a grown man would cook just that for his whole family.

Are you in a tight budget and usually just buy one portion of meat to split up between you, and then bulk it out with side dishes/carbs? Because if that’s not the norm, then why on earth did he buy one steak? What was he thinkings? I wouldn’t have let him leave that table without giving an explanation. This is beyond ridiculous.

I’m so sorry you have to put up with this. One meal a week where you don’t need to cook (or worry about the children not being fed) is not asking too much.

Tinkobell · 19/05/2018 20:34

V strange! Does he fail to understand quantities. Agree the menu upfront with him next time.

diddl · 19/05/2018 20:34

It does seem that that was just his meal.

So why didn't he admit it, eat it & then cook something for the rest of you?

SardineReturns · 19/05/2018 20:36

Part of the issue here as well is that it wasn't just you - if he had the arsehole with you or whatever - he didn't get a proper dinner for the kids either. And that's just a NO, kids need feeding.

I cant believe he deliberately didn't feed them, so he bought for one and forgot about you lot. How is that possible? I suppose he went round and thought, what do I fancy and just bought it. That is woeful, isn't it?

diddl · 19/05/2018 20:37

" Does he fail to understand quantities"

Bit odd if he used to be able to cook for two adults albeit only occasionally but can't add 2 kids into the mix!

Seems to be trying to force you into cooking, Op.

OutingMyDog · 19/05/2018 20:38

He must have know what he was doing. When you eat steak you have one steak per adult. He must have known he was only buying for himself.

Weezol · 19/05/2018 20:39

To be fair...he's doing the bare minimum and you really don't need to feel gratitude for that.

He shopped and cooked for himself. He will have filled up on crisps or chocolate while he was out. It sounds very much like he has checked out of his marriage and his family.

Baubletrouble43 · 19/05/2018 20:40

Yanbu. Stop cooking for him. NOW. feed the dc and yourself and let him cook for himself EVERY NIGHT. Prick

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