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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay them?

308 replies

upsideup · 19/05/2018 17:24

For 11 year old dd's sport there is a big event abroad in the beginning of the summer holidays that she is going to, her friend who also does the sports wanted to go but her parents couldnt take her so we offered to.

Original plan was for both me and DH to take the girls but we did mention when it was arranged that I was pregnant but that hopefully as long as all went to plan I would be fine going on the trip. I admit this was only casually mentioned and only once because after 4 easy pregnancies I didnt expect this one to be different but it was definately mentioned. I've decided not to go as I feel safer at home, we told them this last week ago and they said it was fine and hoped I got better. DH is still definately okay taking them on his own.

They now have phoned and said now they have thought it over and because we have changed the arrangements that were previously offered that they no longer want their dd to come so are expecting us cover the costs of this. The dd still wants to come, she has phoned my dd today in tears because they have been looking forward to this for months.

AIBU to not pay them anything? The offer to take their dd will stay open, if we were taking away that offer then of course we would pay.

OP posts:
Thewhale2903 · 19/05/2018 21:18

So if your accommodation didn't cost anything then why did it cost £1000 pounds for 1 little girl to go with you? I don't think I would be comfortable with my daughter going with just her friends dad, sorry but just how I feel maybe you would be ok for your daughter to go away with just this little girls dad.

donquixotedelamancha · 19/05/2018 21:19

Let's assume the 98% figure is true. It may be. It doesn't mean 98% of men are sex offenders! 98% of murderers brush their teeth every morning

It's like the 'bacon doubles your risk of x type of cancer' stats. It sounds terrible unless you realise how low the base risk is.

But this is not about statistics- it's about individuals. What the friends parents seem to be saying is that they think OP's husband might be a paedophile and while they are happy for him to look after their child, he needs supervising. Given they want OP to pay a grand to mitigate their concerns I think she has been remarkably restrained.

Personally I think people should never leave their children with strange men they think are a high risk, even if their wife is present.

MyLearnedFriend · 19/05/2018 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thewhale2903 · 19/05/2018 21:23

Not really it's just fact and parents being cautious because I hate to break it to you but people don't walk about with a paedophile tattooed on there forehead. There is no way of knowing. Can't be too carefull when it comes to your children

PleaseAndThanks · 19/05/2018 21:28

They are being unreasonable. Don’t give them any money.

boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 21:30

''Personally I think people should never leave their children with strange men they think are a high risk''

eh how exactly can 1 determine if 1 is of high risk??

expatinscotland · 19/05/2018 21:30

'So if your accommodation didn't cost anything then why did it cost £1000 pounds for 1 little girl to go with you?'

It's abroad, we don't know where, but to fly to certain places and tickets for 'a big event' may easily come to £1000.

StealthPolarBear · 19/05/2018 21:31

I think that's the point. If they genuinely think her dh is a threat then the presence of the mother shouldn't be enough to change their minds.

WhatAMessTheBad · 19/05/2018 21:36

Thinking further, and it seems that it's slightly unreasonable to be spending £1,000 on one DC's sporting event. If you're now expecting Number 5, OP, that's potentially £5,000 per annum spent on sending children on very short-term sporting events. Didn't you once start a post about not being able to afford to move house, or am I imagining it?

SpanielsAreNuts · 19/05/2018 21:46

Let's assume the 98% figure is true. It may be. It doesn't mean 98% of men are sex offenders! 98% of murderers brush their teeth every morning... And so do I...
stealth exactly Grin

Tbh if you think the dad is a potential peadophile, then having the mother there probably wouldn't change anything. I had two friends through secondary school whose dads were arrested as peadophiles - in both cases the mother knew all about it! There aren't statistics on how many mother's know and turn a blind eye to their husband/partner being a peadophile, because often it's pretty much impossible to prove whether or not they knew and turned a blind eye.

GreenTulips · 19/05/2018 21:51

In case you missed this

We dont have any money from them to give back, they want us to cover costs they will lose by their dd not comming. We won't be

MyLearnedFriend · 19/05/2018 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thewhale2903 · 19/05/2018 21:56

Mad mags I agree. The terms of a verbal agreement were changed not very fair as it really doesn't sound like you made them properly aware you may not go, as you said you didn't think there would be any problems because all your other pregnancies were fine. I feel sorry for these parents they have just lost a massive amount of money because you told them one thing then changed it and obviously they are not going to risk their child's safety no matter how much she wants to go. Can't really understand what they paid the money for or who they paid it to but sort of feel like you have a responsibility here as it's not their fault their daughters not going. They trusted you in good faith.

Thewhale2903 · 19/05/2018 22:02

It's not about presuming all men are predators it's about statistics and facts. You don't know who is a predator this is the point people are trying to make

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 19/05/2018 22:02

Jesus, can people not fucking read? As the OP has said more than once now:

They have not paid any money! They want the OP to cover the cost of their daughter now being at home. They have estimated that at £1000

For fuck's sake.

MadMags · 19/05/2018 22:03

Still don’t get it.

Thewhale2903 · 19/05/2018 22:07

It is nothing to do with being sexist and only uneducated people would think that!

llangennith · 19/05/2018 22:11

Tell them they’re welcome to provide a female chaperone. At their expense.

Thewhale2903 · 19/05/2018 22:12

I completely agree and even then it's a risk how many fathers have done this to their daughters/sons. I would be equally uncomfortable with my son going with just a male carer. These are children! If something happened to them then how would you feel, or what if your child was to scared to tell you as is with a lot of abuse cases? How would you live with yourself. Lax parenting I. Some cases here. Trust no one as you have no idea who they are underneath it all!

NorthernKnickers · 19/05/2018 22:18

I think you need to explain more about the money...it's all very vague! You say 'they' will be losing it but 'we' won't be. What exactly is the £1000 for then if you won't be losing it? Have they or haven't they actually paid you £1000 for anything?

DoJo · 19/05/2018 22:25

Jesus, can people not fucking read? As the OP has said more than once now:

They have not paid any money! They want the OP to cover the cost of their daughter now being at home. They have estimated that at £1000

I don't think that's what the OP is saying - I'm reading it as they have paid out money for their child to go on the trip (not to the OP, but to the event organisers, for flights etc) so the friends family are £1000 down, but this has not been paid to the OP and the OP has had no financial dealings with the friends.

Original poster
upsideup · 19/05/2018 22:45

Sorry for dissapearing.
I'll try explain the money part which I dont seem to have made very clear now and answer the rest in the morning.

They havent paid any money directly to us, they have paid for their dd to come so flights, enterance fees and event expenses etc themselves.
So if their dd now doesnt come they will lose this money or at least wont be getting anything for the money.
We werent charging them to take her just expecting them to pay for her to come, so we were at not financial advantage with her coming and are at no financial disadvanatge if she doesnt come.
We dont have their £1000 to give back to them, they are saying we should give them £1000 of our money to cover what they spent on their dd comming with us as they no longer want her to come.

Hopefully thats clearer.

OP posts:
Lunde · 19/05/2018 22:46

OP can you clarify what the money is for? Are they
A. asking for the return of event costs such as plane/event tickets?
or are they
B. Wanting you to pay for a nanny and other costs now she will be at home?

Have you actually received any money from them?

GreenTulips · 19/05/2018 22:47

They are truly cheeky fuckers

Lunde · 19/05/2018 22:49

Cross post - well they need to ask the club if the plane and event tickets can be refunded or sold to someone else. You don't have their money and were only doing them a favour

If they have given you no money and have decided to pull out - you should return to them, what they have given you - no money