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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is correct for once

155 replies

Metoodear · 18/05/2018 18:30

My son 18 has started seeing this girl Turing put to be the first love I think

She’s been coming round regularly that’s fine no issue however she just runs straight in his room or hides behind the hedge if she’s waiting for hi
To come out ds has said she’s shy

Last nite dh said she must say pop head in and say hello and god by or she can’t come round as it’s rude she may be shy but she is 18 and ds said he would not be allowed to go to her home with out saying hello

Yesterday she was in the hall way I literally had to shout bye then

Dh said she doesn’t need to have a full blown convo but this is our home we expect it of his mates as well

OP posts:
Original poster
Metoodear · 19/05/2018 08:06

RayDropofGoldenSun Thanks it’s this

Everyone has different expectations some may be fine with people floating in and out of their home but we think it’s rude I would be horrified if if found my son was doing it but as his happens her mum has a West Indian background and effects the same and he has already conceded that he would not be allowed to her home and not say hello to anyone I won’t put up with us we won’t have people in our home who won’t even say hello to us

OP posts:
Original poster
Metoodear · 19/05/2018 08:08

bye the way she is 18 she is not 15-16 as some have said

OP posts:
Original poster
Metoodear · 19/05/2018 08:11

UserV So we gone from her not saying hello or goodbye to anyone from my son going NC with us all and running off Biscuit

Sensible advice or non thanks

OP posts:
LittleMe03 · 19/05/2018 08:30

You asked for the advice and will always get mixed opinions on here Confused your relationship with your son is not to do with any comments made.

LunaTrap · 19/05/2018 08:46

That's fine then, don't have her in your home. Just prepare for your son to spend all his time at her house and barely see him. At that age I practically lived at my boyfriend's house because his family were so much more welcoming and easy going than mine.

Original poster
Metoodear · 19/05/2018 09:13

LunaTrap Have no issue with that and I know from him he will definitely have to say hello and good buy

OP posts:
LittleMe03 · 19/05/2018 09:25

Her parents are probably a little more welcoming perhaps... maybe they make the effort to open the door to him etc, say hello. Not shout comments like 'bye then' from a different room

BetterEatCheese · 19/05/2018 09:26

My nephews girlfriend was like this for months but has now warmed up to everyone. Make her feel comfortable. It's obviously a skill she needs help with. Shouting after her won't help at all and may make her feel awful

Sommelierrrr · 19/05/2018 09:30

You sound terrifying! Be gentle and kind to her!

PositivelyPERF · 19/05/2018 09:35

FFS, leave the poor girl be. She’s going with your son, not you. My boys have had lots of girlfriends over the years and some have been very shy. I just let them get on with it. She’ll come round in her own time or they’ll break up. Your son may still live in your house, but he’s an adult, as is his girlfriend and they’re entitled to have privacy. If that means his girlfriend doesn’t want to say hello, then so be it.

mancmummy1414 · 19/05/2018 09:56

So many apologists on here!
It’s the OP’s house. She pays the mortgage. Only on MN is it unreasonable for someone to expect a guest to say hello and goodbye! Shy or not, it’s a basic politeness. I would be the same OP, she either acknowledges that you live in your own house and stops all this pathetic hiding behind hedges, or she doesn’t come round. (Don’t say that to her though, say it to your DS, then maybe he can have a gentle word about her rudeness)

Faultymain5 · 19/05/2018 10:35

As a West Indian this is the height of rudeness. She fcking well knows better. She's as rude as hell. Wonder what her parents would think if they knew of her behaviour. We call that behaviour facety, slack and "watless". West Indians of a certain generation don't give a fck about anxiety.
Trust me on that. I'm used to the cultural divide that exists here. But she does know better.

MissEliza · 19/05/2018 18:18

YANBU. One of ds's gfs was like this. I find it the height of bad manners and I have the same standard for the dc's friends. Mind you we can't get rid of his present gf when she visits!
I would kick my dcs butts if they behaved like that in someone's house

FullOfJellyBeans · 19/05/2018 18:57

Seriously I think you need to distinguish something that is deliberately rude (making a mess in your house, making noise and keeping people up, drinking your wine etc.) and something that is unintentional and probably not meant to (and in fact doesn't) cause you any harm.

Also remember that your son won't live at home forever, when he has his own place you won't be able to dictate your interactions with him and his partners. If you cause unnecessary difficulties for fairly petty reasons he'll be less inclined to make you part of his world. I'm not suggesting he'll go NC but he'll just be less inclined to introduce you to girlfriends and friends as it's just likely to be a hassle.

cheapskatemum · 19/05/2018 19:06

I remember going round to my 1st boyfriend’s house. I was younger than 18 and painfully shy. I still said hello and goodbye. I think there were other conversations that were very short, because I was so shy, but hello and goodbye are doable. YANBU

DN4GeekinDerby · 19/05/2018 20:12

Like Crunchymum's DP, I was incredibly embarrassed by my parents and avoiding any contact between those I liked and my parents and my parents' partners. There was more than one disaster, I lost my first girlfirend because my father's girlfriend went berzerk.

Since she's coming into the house with your son and this is important to you, you should direct your son to bring her where you are when she arrives/leaves to do so rather than be passive agressive about it. I don't see how that helps. Really, as a teen, I just followed the lead of whoever's house it was though this never involved saying hi and bye to parents. Where I'm from, we would talk if we came across the parents so some I said hi and talked to regularly as they were about in the same space and others I never saw but interrupting them just to say hi/bye would be considered bizarre/weird/rude, particularly if it was going into a room just to do that and then leave again, unless you were staying there or practically engaged. We didn't bother parents or others without a good reason, I think we did that enough with our teen drama as is.

TonTonMacoute · 19/05/2018 20:25

It’s just plain rude to ignore people in their own home, whether you are shy or not, and that applies not only to gfs but all friends. They are adults (or maybe not quite yet in her case) and should know better. Besides, if she gets to know you a bit better then she won’t feel so shy.

Encourage her to have a cup of tea all together or something, break the ice a bit

Teacher22 · 20/05/2018 06:38

Yellow, that sounds alarming. Are you not allowing your MIL to see her grandchildren?

Namechangemum100 · 20/05/2018 06:44

Although it is rude of her not to address you when she arrives, if she genuinely does have very bad anxiety, then I'd encourage you to look at the bigger picture. They might be young, but dh and I met when we were only just 19... essentially, she could become your future Dil, and you and your husband are getting things off to a very Rocky start which could be difficult to return from.

Accept she has anxiety issues and try to work with your ds to make her feel comfortable enough to feel able to greet you. That should be your focus.

DragonMummy1418 · 20/05/2018 07:50

INVITE HER TO DINNER - maybe she just needs to get to know you 😊

snowagain · 20/05/2018 08:19

You sound very unwelcoming and rude OP. I feel very sorry for the girl. Give her a break FFS. Hmm

And @mancmummy1414 up there ^ sounds as bad as YOU! Wink

poppy54321 · 20/05/2018 08:33

I would treat her like a scared little gazelle and be really honoured when she relaxed enough to say hello. I might say hello very quietly or just smile/wave. Or pop my head round the door and ask very quietly if they wanted a drink / ice cream or whatever. It’s worth it especially when a child claims your house is a second home.

iheartmichellemallon · 20/05/2018 09:05

I'm sorry to say, but you sound horrible Op. Yes, your house, your rules & all that but it's really not the end of the world if she doesn't say hello or goodbye.

She sounds painfully shy, but if you're patient with her, the more comfortable & relaxed she becomes, then it will happen naturally. Don't force it & certainly quit with the passive aggressiveness as it's not nice.

Faultymain5 · 20/05/2018 15:29

Basic manners are not optional as far as I'm concerned (obviously the OP feels the same).

There is a huge problem with that line of thinking. I get it lots of people don't think it's a big deal. But this is OPs bugbear. The one thing she can't abide in her own home.

In an effort to see possibleHmm future grandchildren, how much rudeness/bad behaviour is OP supposed to put up with?

As I said previously, it is for your DS to sort it.

iheartmichellemallon · 20/05/2018 23:00

I would argue that shyness isn't rudeness & should be met with kindness & understanding rather than being passive aggressive & banning people from your house.

Each to their own & as I said, Ops house so Ops rules but doesn't mean Op is right on this one.

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