Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is correct for once

155 replies

Metoodear · 18/05/2018 18:30

My son 18 has started seeing this girl Turing put to be the first love I think

She’s been coming round regularly that’s fine no issue however she just runs straight in his room or hides behind the hedge if she’s waiting for hi
To come out ds has said she’s shy

Last nite dh said she must say pop head in and say hello and god by or she can’t come round as it’s rude she may be shy but she is 18 and ds said he would not be allowed to go to her home with out saying hello

Yesterday she was in the hall way I literally had to shout bye then

Dh said she doesn’t need to have a full blown convo but this is our home we expect it of his mates as well

OP posts:
RadioGaGoo · 18/05/2018 19:10

Yellowmellw. That's a massive assumption to make and rather unfair on the OP.

Zeelove · 18/05/2018 19:11

Surely if she had social anxiety she wouldn't go sit in her boyfriend room in his parents house.

She might be shy but she is also rude and very strange

Original poster
Metoodear · 18/05/2018 19:14

Cuppaoftea It’s our house why should I fudgeing endure somone being rude to us

OP posts:
LunaTrap · 18/05/2018 19:16

Well if you ban her from your house you'll probably never see your DS who will just spend all his time at hers. If you are happy with that then go for it.

Original poster
Metoodear · 18/05/2018 19:17

Yes we met and had a chat while ds was talking to his mate on the phone
Just asked her what she was studying that sort of thing just 10 minutes that’s why it’s so odd

She did by the little ones some sweets and gave them to the kids but ran off before anyone could thank her

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 18/05/2018 19:19

She sounds sweet, and you sound a bit scary!

RadioGaGoo · 18/05/2018 19:22

Not sure how you sound scary OP, but if her parents would expect your DS to say hello to them when he visits, I'm not sure why it should be any different the other way around.

Mxyzptlk · 18/05/2018 19:23

DS could help her by putting his head round the door to say gf is here and taking her into wherever you are.

I'd have felt nervous about sticking my head into someone's living room or kitchen, in that situation.

Tinkobell · 18/05/2018 19:24

It's immature at that age not to just say a quick 'hi' and make 2 mins of small talk. If she's come through the education system, surely she can speak a few words to an adult even if mega shy.

Quartz2208 · 18/05/2018 19:28

But its also your DS home and he is whom she is visiting - the way you are going about it makes it sound scary

Social anxiety and shyness are not a lack of manners and/or rudeness they are someone who feels uncomfortable

The fact she endured a 10 minute conversation before giving out sweets highlights this.

Why does it bother you so much

paisleyblue · 18/05/2018 19:28

Against the grain here but I think it's actually very rude to shout 'bye then' to someone. Very sarcastic.

She could just be socially awkward and shy and it will no doubt make her feel worse to be on the receiving end of sarcasm.

OP why do you want to pressure her? Yes it basic manners to say hi and bye but you said yourself that she bought the little ones sweets so she clearly is a nice person.

Try making conversation with her in a non-judgemental way and make her feel at ease.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 18/05/2018 19:29

Fast forward as me a dp have been no contact for past number of years and she doesn't see the grandchildren all because it started off just like you

started out like the OP, in that she wanted basic manners of a guest saying hi or bye or was there more too it and you're projecting your own experiences on this situation Hmm. She's not asking for a 2 hour interrogation but hiding behind a hedge from the parent of your bf is not normal behaviour and I'm baffled that anyone thinks the OP or her husband are unreasonable.

Gwenhwyfar · 18/05/2018 19:32

"Surely if she had social anxiety she wouldn't go sit in her boyfriend room in his parents house."

Exactly. She's not that shy is she?

paisleyblue · 18/05/2018 19:35

She probably feels comfortable with bf but not with people she doesn't know. I'm the same with people I know vs people I don't know though I have learned how to make small talk.

BrownTurkey · 18/05/2018 19:35

Social anxiety is at epic levels now, and as much as its nice to have empathy, it is also good to have normal social expectations. All of us were very understanding with my sisters boyfriend who was super shy, but it was my mil who actually formed a bond with him by insisting on talking to him, making him come to dinner etc. It was nice for him to be included actually. Sometimes people need to come out of their comfort zone!

MightyMucks · 18/05/2018 19:35

Social anxiety doesn’t really work like that. You can have a few friends who have built up trust with you, but still hate interacting with strangers.

bearbehind · 18/05/2018 19:35

I do wonder how people like this function in other social situations.

It's fine to make excuses for the MIL thing etc, but what happens when this girls needs to find a job, deal with members of the public etc.

paisleyblue · 18/05/2018 19:39

Depends how badly it affects the person I guess. I know someone who dropped out of school because it was cripplingly bad. She ended up being home-schooled in the end. Fast forward nearly a decade and she is still bad though she has a boyfriend he adores her!!

MrsCD67 · 18/05/2018 19:40

I used to be so shy but I would always say 'hello' and 'goodbye/thanks for having me' and speak when I was spoken to.

Do you and DH make an effort to welcome her or do you expect her to do all the legwork? If you don't make the effort with her, she probably won't ever get the confidence to speak to you and certainly if you stop her coming round, she will avoid you even more!

BrendasUmbrella · 18/05/2018 19:40

She sounds very shy, and your approach of shouting after her is not going to work. You cannot force someone to not be shy.

Try to tread carefully. If she is your DS's first love, he won't thank you if you scare her away. if anything, ask your DS to talk to her and explain that you find it hurtful when she avoids you.

But honestly, I don't see this going well. There's an outside chance she'll adjust and start to communicate and socialize the way you want her to. It's more likely that she will accept the house ban, and if they stay together it could solidify into a lifelong grudge...

Olddear · 18/05/2018 19:41

Yes OP, stop shouting 'bye, then' or you'll never see your grandchildren.

user1471453601 · 18/05/2018 19:42

My DD, her partner and I share a home. Said partner never tell me when she's coming and going. She's one of nine children and explained that it wasn't noticed in her home growing up if one child left so she isn't used to reporting her comings and goings. DD, I'm the other hand, is an only, and takes it read that when going out, she lets me know.

After her partner explained her upbringing to me I no longer take offence when she leaves the house without telling me. She does try to remember that I expect a goodbye and hello, but doesn't always remember.

Perhaps DS`s partner is the same?

Allthebestnamesareused · 18/05/2018 19:42

You realise one day your DIL whoever she may be will be on here complaining about her demanding in laws! Grin

PussGirl · 18/05/2018 19:43

Basic good manners to say hello & goodbye IMO.

UserV · 18/05/2018 19:44

@metoodear

You AND your husband are being unreasonable. Poor girl. I feel sorry for her if she marries into this family to be honest... you and your husband don't sound very tolerant and pleasant...... Sad

Your sarcastic 'bye then!' is very childish. I bet she feels really uncomfortable. Don't be surprised if she and your son move miles away, so they don't have to see you often.

And for the 'she is 18, she is a worldly wise adult' brigade; not everyone is the same, so give the girl a break! Hmm Does my head in when people assume a child will suddenly just turn into a fully fledged independent adult, all outgoing and assertive and chatty, and totally an adult on their 18th birthday.

And of course she is 'immature' she is a fucking TEENAGER!

Poor girl! Sad Yeah I said girl, not WOMAN, so bite me! Wink