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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my husband is correct for once

155 replies

Metoodear · 18/05/2018 18:30

My son 18 has started seeing this girl Turing put to be the first love I think

She’s been coming round regularly that’s fine no issue however she just runs straight in his room or hides behind the hedge if she’s waiting for hi
To come out ds has said she’s shy

Last nite dh said she must say pop head in and say hello and god by or she can’t come round as it’s rude she may be shy but she is 18 and ds said he would not be allowed to go to her home with out saying hello

Yesterday she was in the hall way I literally had to shout bye then

Dh said she doesn’t need to have a full blown convo but this is our home we expect it of his mates as well

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 18/05/2018 20:08

"I imagine I’d have been the same at that age about meeting boyfriends’ parents."

But you would have been OK about going to his bedroom when they were in the house??

AnneProtheroe · 18/05/2018 20:12

If he's 18 she might only be 15/16 (of course, I don't know her age but suspect that she's younger, because of her behaviour) so might well feel intimidated by relatively unknown adults and panic. Not everyone is confident!

Gwenhwyfar · 18/05/2018 20:12

"explained that it wasn't noticed in her home growing up if one child left so she isn't used to reporting her comings and goings."

Yes, in my house we didn't have to 'report our coming and goings' either, but if I was passing my parents I obviously would say hello or good bye, just wouldn't have to go looking for them to do so if they were in another room. I presumed this girl was walking past and blanking her boyfriend's parents.
Different matter if they're expecting her to go looking for them.

yellowmellw · 18/05/2018 20:13

Right but if she pops her head round the door and says 'Hi' and then goes upstairs it won't be long before you start on the next thing ' oh she ONLY says hi and never chats she's so rude' and so on and on and on

Gwenhwyfar · 18/05/2018 20:14

"might well feel intimidated by relatively unknown adults and panic. Not everyone is confident!"

That's how I was as a teenager, but in the same way I would have been mortified to know that the parents knew I was in his room.

TeeBee · 18/05/2018 20:15

My aunt used to do exactly the same thing when she was dating my lovely uncle. She would sit in the car if he came to visit any family. She wasn't rude, she was painfully shy. They are still together 30 years later and we all absolutely love her. I would say give her a break and don't make her feel unnecessarily uncomfortable. Let her approach you as she feels happy to do so.

Faultymain5 · 18/05/2018 20:17

@UserV My 10 year old is a DD actually. More than one child with basic manners. Not sure why you are being so antagonistic.
Why so condescending? All I did was disagree with your excuse

I'm incredibly shy and it physically hurts me to go into a room and announce my presence. But I do it, and leave the room sharpish then find a less intimidating space.

AnneProtheroe · 18/05/2018 20:17

Agreed, Gwen but that's a lesser embarrassment than having to talk to someone you don't know well. I freaked out at my aunts house when I was 22 and left without saying goodbye. I know she was hurt but wild horses couldn't have dragged me into that kitchen to say "I'm off, thanks for a lovely day" - and I had known her for 20 years at that stage 😩

Mxyzptlk · 18/05/2018 20:21

Yesterday she was in the hall way I literally had to shout bye then

You didn't have to.
You could have nipped out and spoken to her nicely, like a civilised human being.

Weebo · 18/05/2018 20:30

Have you and/or your DH been the type to find it funny to wind DS up in front of his friends?

I was dating a guy when I was a teenager and his dad was 'known' amongst our group for being a bit of a dick by trying show off.

I was as shy as they come so avoided him like the plague.

mehhh · 18/05/2018 20:36

I am extremely shy even now and when I was that age with first boyfriends I really struggled with nerves I'd say hi if parents were in a room I was in or if I was walking past obviously, however I wouldn't walk into a room to hi... I think you need to remember if she's shy, this is probably her first boyfriend and situation dealing with parents of her boyfriend etc and give her a break... instead of shouting "bye then" when she leaves maybe when you know she's coming in or leaving go to the door and say "hiya love, how are you? Nice to meet you, can I get you a drink or anything?"... the more welcome she feels the more comfortable she will feel and the more likely she will be to pop her head in and say hi

UserV · 18/05/2018 20:43

I know quite a few couples where the mother was not pleasant to the son's girlfriend, and in EVERY SINGLE case, the son chose the girlfriend and it did not end well. A few of the couples moved far away, and the son's parents never see them, and one mother was a horrible passive aggressive bint to her son's girlfriend, and made him choose between her and his girlfriend. He chose the girlfriend, and his mother has not see her son or his girlfriend for 2 years.

Bit of a reach from where the OP and her son and girlfriend are atm, but just some food for thought. In many cases, a man will put his girlfriend or wife before his parents if they don't like her. (And from what the OP has posted so far, it sounds like she and her husband don't like their son's girlfriend.....)

@metoodear

So you may want to exam your behaviour towards this girl, because from where I'm standing, it's not HER who is 'immature...'

MrsGrindah · 18/05/2018 20:46

I can’t believe how many posters are saying the onus is on you to make her feel welcome etc. I think you have tried but she is not responding. Yes she might have crippling social anxiety but that’s still not your fault. Its sad for her but she needs to try to tackle it not hide in bushes.It’s your home so you have every right to try to engage with visitors. Your son should be talking to her or at least to you about the situation.

But yes this would piss me right off to be honest

HateTheDF · 18/05/2018 20:47

I was painfully shy at that age and to some extent I still am. No way would I have walked into someones living room to say hi or popped my head round the door, I'd still struggle with that now.

At that age I would have stayed with my bf and waited for him to go into the room. Could you DS walk in first and take her into the room and say hi rather than expecting her to do it? She might just need a little help at the beginning

Echobelly · 18/05/2018 20:48

It would be better for to try to engage, but I think, when it comes to someone who you needs must have some kind of relation to, it's best to assume the best (ie, she's just shy) rather than that she's rude.

I don't think OP was necessarily being rude or aggressive saying 'Bye then!', but none of us were there, so we can't say. But I'd assume that she just wanted to say something when gf was leaving, that's all.

I'd tell DS that gf can come in and you'd like to talk to her, and you appreciate she might be a bit shy.

I know what it's like to be on the wrong end of that. My ILs initially thought I was socially hopeless - not in a not talking way, I'm more of a nervous babbler - and MIL considers shyness frightfully rude, which has always irked me. So yes, be gentle!

UserV · 18/05/2018 20:52

That should be you may want to examine your behaviour (not exam!)

Bluntness100 · 18/05/2018 20:52

I think its only fair that you try to make things as difficult and embarassing as possible

Totally. You both make this as hard for your son as you can. Tell him what he's allowed to do as an adult. Dictate his first love isn't allowed in your house unless she interacts with you despite her crippling shyness. You both fill your boots. Enjoy yourselves. Don't be reasonable in any way shape nor form and accept this girl is shy and anxious. You and your husband should get in there and make it has hard for them as possible.

UserV · 18/05/2018 20:54

@MrsGrindah

I can’t believe how many posters are saying the onus is on you to make her feel welcome etc. I think you have tried but she is not responding. Yes she might have crippling social anxiety but that’s still not your fault.

Wow, how nasty. Sad At least TRY to have some fucking empathy! Hmm

FullOfJellyBeans · 18/05/2018 20:56

Wow, when I went to friends' houses as a teenager we never found the parents to announce our presence in their house (unless I actually knew them). Mostly the parents were doing their own thing and didn't want to be disturbed by awkward teenagers trouping in to say hello. Likewise if a housemate at uni had friends over they wouldn't go and find all the other housemates to say hello.

I don't know what you'd be achieving by forcing the issue. If you want to get to know her, invite her to dinner and be really friendly and encouraging.

MrsGrindah · 18/05/2018 20:57

Why is that nasty? Why is it the OPs fault if the girlfriend has anxiety problems?!

MrsGrindah · 18/05/2018 20:58

Did you not read the bit I said “ it’s sad for her”?!

UserV · 18/05/2018 21:00

It's nasty because you have ZERO empathy for the poor girl.

Sunnyshores · 18/05/2018 21:03

So, GF arrives at house, rings doorbell, DS answers it and they both go into his bedroom.....

What you would like them to do is go to whatever room you're in and say Hi Mum, GF is here.... and GF says Hi. You would then make small talk for 2 mins and then theyd go into his room? Seems a bit OTT to me!

If you passed them in the hall or you answered the door, then fair enough talk, but to expect them to seek you out for a conversation seems a little odd. Shes there to see her BF not you. If you want her to come and see the whole family, then invite her for lunch or something. (another one here with DCs who have no contact with DPs family due to the way the opinionated and controlling way they acted when we first met and for the next 10 years )

MrsGrindah · 18/05/2018 21:04

Putting things in CAPITAL letters doesn’t make it any more true. I harbour no nasty feelings towards the girl as I don’t know her. All I’m saying is the onus isn’t purely on the OP

FullOfJellyBeans · 18/05/2018 21:06

MrsGrindah

You're not being very empathetic, of course it's not their fault the girlfriend has anxiety but surely if this girl is important to their son they can show a little empathy, especially as it would literally cause them no difficulty at all (where as it may be a huge issue for the girl in question).

Why not just be practical. Do you want to ban the girlfriend from the house just because she's shy? Or comes from a family where they have different etiquette about guests (my parents certainly wouldn't have wanted my guests coming into the sitting room disturbing them)? What would that achieve? Do they want to make her feel uncomfortable coming round? Or do they want to help their son and the girlfriend by making her feel welcome?

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