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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my husband is correct for once

155 replies

Metoodear · 18/05/2018 18:30

My son 18 has started seeing this girl Turing put to be the first love I think

She’s been coming round regularly that’s fine no issue however she just runs straight in his room or hides behind the hedge if she’s waiting for hi
To come out ds has said she’s shy

Last nite dh said she must say pop head in and say hello and god by or she can’t come round as it’s rude she may be shy but she is 18 and ds said he would not be allowed to go to her home with out saying hello

Yesterday she was in the hall way I literally had to shout bye then

Dh said she doesn’t need to have a full blown convo but this is our home we expect it of his mates as well

OP posts:

MrsGrindah · 18/05/2018 21:10

I’m not saying they shouldn’t welcome her. I’m saying her anxiety ( since we are all assuming she suffers from it but none of us know her) is not something the OP can be accountable for and actually I think the OP has tried. If it is the case, I think the son should be talking to his parents about what makes her distressed etc. so they know how best to deal with it. But I disagree with posters who are implying the OP just has to suck it up in her own home.

MrsGrindah · 18/05/2018 21:12

And if I’m not being empathetic well I can’t really help that because I’m not in her shoes but I don’t think that equates to being nasty

LooseyInTheSky · 18/05/2018 21:12

Really normal in my experience. Facing the parents of the boy you're shagging, when you've both not done much shagging before, is really hard. You feel like 'I'm doing your son' is written across your forehead and you're being judged as not good enough / a tart / whatever else your anxiety lets you believe.

She'll get more comfortable as time goes on. Just keep being kind, keep inviting her to things and don't let their relationship be unwelcome in your home.

RadioGaGoo · 18/05/2018 21:16

I would ask your DS to help here. See if he can help guide her towards a conversation with you. Do they come down for food or tea at all? Maybe that's a good opportunity to chat. I don't think you are nasty OP, I just think you are frustrated.

RadioGaGoo · 18/05/2018 21:18

Full of Jelly.

It sounds like the girlfriend's family expect the DS to say hello when he visits, so sounds more anxiety based than family etiquette.

UserV · 18/05/2018 21:20

@Fullofjelleybeans

You're not being very empathetic, of course it's not their fault the girlfriend has anxiety but surely if this girl is important to their son they can show a little empathy, especially as it would literally cause them no difficulty at all (where as it may be a huge issue for the girl in question).

This. Glad it's not just me who is seeing this!

@Looseyinthesky

All of this ... ^

Hopefully the OP and her husband can develop a bit more empathy and quit being so passive aggressive with this poor girl who is obviously incredibly shy.....

Kerrylou92 · 18/05/2018 21:23

As someone with social anxiety.

My partner used to usher me into his room. His bedroom was right by the front door. I never said hi or bye to his mum. Although he would go tell her I was there or leaving then she would shout hi or bye! The more I went over the easier it got.

We have been together for 7 years on the 1st of June. She has seen me give birth twice. Seen me cry over him when we have argued. She is a legend and an amazing woman!

She sounds extremely shy. She is properly finding her feet and the fact you sarcastically said 'bye then' properly made things worse. Don't get me wrong. Your well within your right to except at least a hi and bye. Invite her for dinner. Share story's of your son when he was little. Show her she can relax in your home. And your not a scary person.

LooseyInTheSky · 18/05/2018 21:24

UserV I remember being 17 and my first boyfriend's gran came over. I had no reason to believe that she wouldn't be completely lovely, but I was terrified of meeting her. I hid in his room for 2 hours until she left.

I got over my fear in time, but it did take me time and the extended kindness of adults to make me feel secure enough. That they didn't think of me as a tart. I'd been the girl at school who was the teacher's favourite, never broke a rule. Having sex/being in love made me feel like I was breaking all the rules and I was terribly terribly scared of being judged by his family.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 18/05/2018 21:30

Leave the poor girl alone.

MrsCD67 · 18/05/2018 21:35

She just needs to find her feet.
I agree with other posters when they say that your DS should be trying to bridge the gap. He lives with you so he should be trying to ensure that you and your DH are happy with her coming into your house. At the same time, she is a guest and is there to see him to he also needs to make sure that she is comfortable so her confidence can grow.
Give it time and try your best to be friendly and calm even when you feel like your patience is being tried. It will pay off!!!! And at least you'll know you did your very best to accommodate her!

RadioGaGoo · 18/05/2018 21:36

When you say your DS would 'not be allowed' to go to his GF's house without saying hello, who does that come from?

rosettesforjill · 18/05/2018 21:50

I was terribly shy at that age, especially with my now in-laws. Overheard them once talking to their friends about how I was strange and talking at great length about my shyness and I was devastated. I couldn't help it - I was so intimidated and terrified to make a bad impression that I felt it was better to say as little as possible.

Please be kind and don't make her feel like I did. If she is like me, university and adult life will make a huge difference.

(I adore my in laws now and am almost as close to them as my own family!)

3luckystars · 18/05/2018 21:55

She’s pregnant and hiding the bump from you? Maybe.

Faultymain5 · 18/05/2018 22:57

OP how long have they been together?

PPs how long should OP and her DH wait before they are allowed to discuss a badly behaved guest?

Quite frankly, if the young lady is coming over and having sex, she needs to own it like a boss, rather than disrespecting the parents (come on hiding in the bushes?). Their home is not a knocking shop.

She doesn't have to be engaged in conversation with the parents, but if they are passing a living room or the parents in the hallway and she can't open her mouth. My DS would have problems with us.

Everyone can claim to be emphatic but these are the OP's sensibilities, that she is supposed to set aside for someone not even trying.

And yes I too find people nerve racking and draining (even my own family).

Deandre · 18/05/2018 23:07

Shoring bye then is even more rude!! Was you in a different room to her when she visited? I wouldn’t walk into the front room/kitchen to say hi to someone I didn’t know. If there where in front of me then yes.....but I would go searching around the house for people to say hello too

You sound more rude than her though

Deandre · 18/05/2018 23:07

Wouldn’t not would 🙄

ferntwist · 18/05/2018 23:10

YANBU. Completely agree with your husband. It’s basic respect for your home. She sounds more like 13 than 18.

Ohyesiam · 18/05/2018 23:13

This is what by my teenage years we’re spent having sex in grave yards.

Mrsramsayscat · 18/05/2018 23:17

Our children are all different in temperament from each other but the shyest one has been expected to say hello and basic politeness. It is good manners.

RayDropofGoldenSun · 18/05/2018 23:22

I was shy too around my first love time and I remember his Mum was quite in my face and would go on and on without leaving it, saying I had to tell her SOMETHING I would say.

I was massively anxious eating in front of people so it was this awkward struggle of me saying I'm fine. So I would hide in his room.

HOWEVER there's a line between shy and rude. I wouldn't dream of blanking the parents. As an extremely shy person I can say you can't get through life like that. People won't give a shit your shy

ObiJuanKenobi · 18/05/2018 23:27

To answer your question, yes, your husband is correct. It's rude and I wouldn't want to be made to feel uncomfortable or offended in my own home - especially by a guest.

Deandre · 18/05/2018 23:29

If she comes over and visits, searches every room for you and it turns out your in the toilet, does she have to stand outside and wait for you, to say hello? You know, incase she misses the opertuntiy and you all think she is rude for it.

It’s not basic manners and actually I think the total opposite!
If my daughters boyfriend came over and started wondering all over my house looking for me, I’d wonder who the fuck he was!

If my boyfriends mother shouted by then to me too, that relationship would be kept at a distance. In fact My mil was rude to me when we first met as I wasent rich enough for her son. I was also his first girlfriend/love so she thought it would fizzle out.....15 years later and two kids we are still together......guess who I have BANNED from our house?

SundayGirls · 19/05/2018 00:09

YANBU. I wouldn't invite her round for a meal, sounds like it'd be too much for her to deal with, but I'd try to be the one to open the door to her and be extra smiley and friendly so she feels more comfortable.

JavaJava · 19/05/2018 00:19

Shouting "bye then" is dickish. If my parents were snippy like that I'd be telling my girlfriend to stay away, and would be staying away myself.

llangennith · 19/05/2018 00:34

She sounds incredibly shy and very kind if she bought your dc some sweets. You’ll be lucky if you end up with a DIL like her but with your attitude I hope your DS marries a real chopsy loudmouth.

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