Am I being unreasonable to be angry with my son’s uni tutors?

[Ladymacbethshandwash]

My 18 year old son is coming to the end of his first year of a performing arts degree. Since he was a little boy he wanted to become an actor so this was the natural route for him to take.

He has struggled with certain aspects of the course, namely the movement side as he is 6 foot 3 and as graceful as bambi on ice. He has failed his two movement assessments and passed his acting assessments. Today at his end of year tutorial his tutors told him he will never make it as an actor. They bluntly destroyed his dreams and sent him on his way. My 18 year old son is away from home, distraught because in his opinion his dream is over, his life is finished. He won’t come home and he doesn’t want to speak to me. Why oh why could they have not been a little more careful about the language they used? I know I’m his Mum, so I am obviously biased but he does have something, he’s funny, confident, handsome and he does have acting ability. Unfortunately he doesn’t believe this now, he’s so low I don’t know what to do.

Teachers don't always get things right.
I know it's slightly different, but when I was in high school my science teacher told me I was crap at science and would never pass a science exam in my life.
I've got a 1st class masters degree and a post graduate qualification in a science based subject now.

Use it as motivation to prove them wrong

Teachers don't always get things right
This is very true. They (generally) will make calls based on the info in front of them and some are just negative people who like to piss on dreams

The OP's son could make it in the industry. He could pass the course. Based on what they are seeing, they have questions.

It's up to him what he doew from here.

I feel for the OP. It's so hard for her.

I don't think I am trying to put the blame on his tutors for him failing, but I am pissed off that he has been left so upset that he thinks his life is over.

I'm just a bit confused about what you want from the tutors to be honest. It seems that his real source of unhappiness is a consequence of the fact that he is failing and might get kicked off the course. He might say that it's what the tutors said that is making him upset, but he'd still be failing even if they hadn't said anything.

For example, there was a woman who studied law with me who didn't turn up to at least two thirds of the classes and did very little studying at home. She got a fairly average mark on her coursework and was complaining to me about it. I said I thought that it was quite a good mark given that she had missed so many of the classes. She point blank asked me if had expected her to fail and so I told her that I had been worried that she might because she was missing so much. She spent the next few months hating me and told her that my comment had made her cry. But then she predictably went on to fail almost all the modules because she hadn't been turning up and doing the necessary work all year. I'm sure she would say that I was the source of her unhappiness, but the real problem was that she wasn't prepared and if I did anything it was just to make her realise sooner rather than later that she was getting herself into trouble.

Sometimes you can just end up in a sucky situation and it hurts. He'll need some time to either find a new strategy to get to his goal of being an actor or change his goal. But I think he's still have to face this even if the tutors hadn't said anything at all.

I’ve got no problems with people being tough and honest. Yes, acting requires resilience. I have trouble with tutors saying that failure in a module means you would be a failure as an actor (not a failure in the course). I’m sure OP’s son remembers partially, but what he remembers has hurt him badly, and it’s important to go back to the tutors and find out what he should do.

I know of course students fail through laziness etc, and for other, external causes, but by and large most students who want to, get through university. It’s rare for a keen and able student without other issues to fail, and he sounds like both from the limited info we have.

I would expect tutors to be putting forward the ‘are you the best fit for the course ‘ argument, and I would also, frankly, expect a bit more thought for the MH impact on an 18 yr old away from home for the first time.

All our children are going to experience failure and frustration in their life - with study, with jobs, in close relationships. With my daughter - now 20 - I have always focused on the fact that there has to be a plan B. And that sometimes plan B will turn out to have been the better one.

I remember being told that we wouldn’t make it in the industry all the time, but it was most of the time a ‘with an attitude like that you won’t make it in the industry’ or a ‘the way you’re going you won’t get anywhere’.

I attended art school and in time became a lecturer myself. In the university I attended, the tutors were tough, they didn’t sugar coated things and had no hesitation in suggesting the possibility of changing careers if a person was not showing they “had it”.

The university where I taught were so concerned with student satisfaction, that only compliments were allowed, everyone had a “right” to be there regardless of performance and nobody would dream of telling a student to change careers without getting a reprimand.

There is no point in guessing which students were better prepared, had better portfolios, and were more prepared to deal with the pressures and disappointments of a career in arts: the tough school ones.
Even those who were told they didn’t have the talent when we were young are still doing well and keeping jobs in their fields after 2 decades.

Your son is going to be what he wants to be with the help of the teachers, without them and even against them if he is clear on what he wants. I know some arts tutors are very nasty at expressing their opinions but acting it is not all about movement and he won’t have the same tutors all the time. In the creative fields, what one tutor hates may be what another tutor treasures.

I hope your son finds some comfort in his friends and the determination to continue, this is just one of many setbacks which, as painful as they are, are preparing him to cope in his professional life.

Tell him to always follow his dreams I believe in him 👍💓💗🌞

The main thing is that whether posters like it or not the OP's DS is now at a stage in education were spoon feeding and constant retakes are a thing of the past as is the 'right' to be coddled by those 'teaching' him.

I agree boney, but if you speak to some on mumsnet who are in higher education they'll tell you that 'hand holding retake culture where everyone will be above average' is making its way into some universities.

Oh it definitely is. I can even think of at least one university that lets students attend their graduation even though they haven’t passed their degree. Because, you know, making them wait til they’d earned a degree to graduate would be mean.

It may be cruel to say someone will not make it - but although it's coming from a tutor, that opinion won't really matter in the long run, however hurtful it sounds now. And yes, we are all encouraged to follow our dreams. I'd hate to say otherwise.

But... the cruel reality is that life as an actor is very, very hard. I would advise anyone with a child thinking of becoming an actor to encourage them very strongly to have a fulfilling Plan B. Yes, some people survive as actors. Some people have periods where they enjoy the work, and are glad to have followed their dream. But making a sustainable life out of acting is very, very hard - especially when you have a family, and especially (sadly so) for women. So please don't just focus on what the tutors are saying, but help your son to consider there may be other paths worth following - and 'making it' as an actor is something of a false dream. Hope this helps.

This happened to someone on my performing arts course. Guess who got a long term job on a popular soap? It's their opinion op, doesn't mean it's everyone's!

It’s up to the exam board whether he can redo the assessments he failed.

In this case, it is out of the hands of his tutor anyway and they have to go by the exam board's decision.

As I mentioned before he did try to plead his case and it fell on deaf ears.

See above. Pleading with the tutor is entirely pointless, because they cannot overrule the exam board.

The university has no interest in losing a student and neither does the exam board. But if a student fails the test and the retake, chances are they won't pass a year later and will then have wasted two years instead of one. It is hard to see this aged 18 of course.

Is there anything he can do to increase his chances to pass the test should the exam board agree?

Paxillin, we can get him tuition for the movement side and see if that helps him improve. I just get the feeling he has rubbed them up the wrong way somewhere along the line and they just want him off the course. It may end up being a very difficult lesson learnt.

I’m in the arts. I had an audition at a top music school. Before I’d left the piano they said no. Just no. It was my life, everything I knew. I stood there on the platform while they went through everything wrong with my performance. It killed me but it’s the arts. If you’re incredible you get through. If you’re mediocre you scrape through. And worse, if you can’t handle it it ain’t worth trying anyway...
It’s completely normal in the arts to be blunt. I’ve since learnt it’s just life. I left the arts and qualified as a professional. They were just as blunt in the office as that audition. Rejection is part of life. It’s how he deals with it now that will make or break him. Not life is over at 18. Support him but don’t encourage him to believe the uni tutors were completely wrong if you think there’s a possibility they were just doing him a favour.
I’m back in the arts now. If your heart is in it you are happy to be mediocre and earn your way somehow anyway.

Oh I was 16 when that happened btw

I seem to remember reading once that Anthony Sher who went on to have a successful acting career, was told at one time that he would never become an actor, and he was turned down by RADA and another leading drama school. He proved them wrong.
Good luck to your son in whatever he does.

I doubt that is the issue, @Ladymacbethshandwash. I'm a lecturer (not performing arts, so it might not be applicable), I have some really difficult students, but want them all to pass.

The only reason I ever suggest students look elsewhere is I am genuinely convinced they will not pass and further time on the course would be a waste. Their waste, not mine.

But if the exam board decide he can resit, he needs to throw everything at it. If you can get a tutor, do.

OP, you did say "He also finds certain things really cringey, he’s quite dry and analytical so he has questioned some aspects of the course."

This sounds like it is about more than lack of grace in his movements. If he refuses to work hard at something he finds cringey, that is hardly his tutors' fault and it doesn't sound like a recipe for success.

I'm a lecturer in humanities at an ordinary university and even there you have to pass your first-year modules to progress to second year. And tbh if I found myself with a student with the attitude you suggest, I might gently suggest that they should try elsewhere.

Being an actor may not necessarily be about grace or movement, but it is very much about openness and being prepared to move out of your comfort zone and not getting hung up on things being cringey.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant

I couldn't agree more.

I studied FineArt and swapped courses from a "you've got to be tough to succeed!" environment to a more sympathetic one. I swapped because I was being given the "you'll never make it in the arts" crap and knew they were wrong.
Why did I know they were wrong? Because I was a mature student and worked out what kind of people they were - tossers. That's the problem with many "art educators" - they're too often artists first and teachers a very, very, poor second. Many of them know literally fuck all about education, are extremely poorly equipped to teach and shouldn't be allowed within miles of any young person.

I also remember the other person on my Fine Art course who was told his work was rubbish and he'd never succeed - Nick Park. How many Oscars does he have now?

OP. If your son's lecturers have actually suggested your son is "possibly dyspraxic", they have an obligation to follow it up professionally and not dump him. They can't suggest that and then tell him it's the reason he's failed - that is discriminatory. (And if they told him he was "possibly dyspraxic" but failed to follow it up because they weren't actually serious, they've been appallingly unprofessional in making such a suggestion and should be disciplined).

Your son has probably paid something in the region of £10,000 to be told he's a failure in the most appallingly manner possible. I'd fight tooth and nail to get them to reassess him more positively and then, once he's been given a pass, suggest he moves to a more sympathetic (ie better) college (because they'll never forgive him for showing them up).

I'm not a fluffy type by nature. I've worked in art, art education and special needs education for over 30 years. I'm quite prepared to tell someone their work has failed or hasn't made the grade. I'm not in the "prizes for everyone" school, at all. However, one of my sidelines has been working with students who have been "failed" at art school due to unprofessional educators running art courses as if they were Captain Bligh on the HMS Bounty. The type of people who'd have failed Van Gogh, but used his granny's legs to make their next sculpture. It makes my blood boil when I hear of young people being treated like this.

It’s all a bit of a mess, he’s such a lovely boy he really is, but maybe needs to learn to keep his mouth shut!

Is it Exeter? My BF’s son left the Drama BA course last year in very similar circs.

I hope he gets in touch to ease your worry. Some time to think and reassess and, perhaps, move on to the next year. I'd be upset if he hadn't received adequate feedback and support about this movement business until now. Good luck.