Am I being unreasonable to be angry with my son’s uni tutors?

[Ladymacbethshandwash]

My 18 year old son is coming to the end of his first year of a performing arts degree. Since he was a little boy he wanted to become an actor so this was the natural route for him to take.

He has struggled with certain aspects of the course, namely the movement side as he is 6 foot 3 and as graceful as bambi on ice. He has failed his two movement assessments and passed his acting assessments. Today at his end of year tutorial his tutors told him he will never make it as an actor. They bluntly destroyed his dreams and sent him on his way. My 18 year old son is away from home, distraught because in his opinion his dream is over, his life is finished. He won’t come home and he doesn’t want to speak to me. Why oh why could they have not been a little more careful about the language they used? I know I’m his Mum, so I am obviously biased but he does have something, he’s funny, confident, handsome and he does have acting ability. Unfortunately he doesn’t believe this now, he’s so low I don’t know what to do.

Also different standards are expected for child actors than adult actors.

I was trying to show that the bitchiness whilst directed at him might be nothing really to do with him but the choice of the university

Dd is friendly with lots of comedy actors/comedians/ Footilights people. Many won't apply to drama school because they say that the courses can train the awkwardness/instinctive comedy out of an individual.

There's so much rejection, it's a time ugh business. Dd didn't get into drama school this year. I feel for you and your son

...or more likely, from what the OP said, to have been thinking that they were being prevented from learning what was a required skill because he wasn't trying?

I know quite a few actors, and they didn't go into the business via drama school, but via the dramsoc in the universities they were in. That's another route.

It was v interesting to see a Q and A with the boy who played Joffrey in GoT. He had no interest in continuing to act in TV, but went back to college and joined the drama society there. Will search for a link...

Not sure if anyone will get anything from this, but I found it interesting. Particularly his career path since.

If the other students have taken against him and the teachers don't want him... something other than a tendency to clumsiness must be at the root of things.

A whole group of inventive people are not going to ostracize someone for not being good at movement. They are more likely to see an opportunity to gain higher marks by integrating the difficulty with their productions.

On the other hand - I have seen groups really struggle to accept someone who doesn't turn up and doesn't do the part required for a group task. This is harder for a tutor to forgive too! Even if ill-health is at the bottom of this - it becomes more and more difficult to be sympathetic.

If the person concerned is likely to lash out and 'say the wrong thing' too - it isn't going to go well for them.

None of this is any reflection on his acting ability as an individual.

However it does suggest that he might find it difficult to work with others. In an acting 'company' - this will matter.

Going on from what cathy said, I think it makes sense to sit down and consider what kind of career he had in mind. Having the awkwardness trained out of you may be a bad thing if you're aiming for stand-up comedy but a necessary thing if you want an agent for classical theatre.

Something dd has found helpful is looking at the kind of work she is interested in and then looking carefully at the kind of training people just a little older than her have (not the ones who are approaching retirement age). Also talking to students who are a little older than her.

Even if he is struggling with the students in his own year group, he should still be networking with other students. Dd (who has had a really shit year with MH issues etc) has had some very useful advice from the students on the BA and MA courses. Obviously, this does require deliberate networking: going to parties, striking up conversations with people, taking an interest in people. Has been difficult for dd who struggles with anxiety. But that is very much what the industry requires so, like the voice training, it's something you just have to get on with.

What about going behind the scenes/ writing, directing/ producing?

The more we hear, the more I'm coming to similar conclusions as other posters. This is not a case of 'I am great but tutors don't like me and I'm blighted for being tall and clumsy'.

I'm yet to have met post 16 students who won't work with students who have a weakness. I have met many students who won't work with someone who will work but only on their terms, doesn't buy into things they think are pointless, has proven themselves in class not to put the work in if they don't feel like it, miss class etc.

The university is right when they say they are not responsible for checking why someone has missed class.

This sounds increasingly like a textbook situation of student hasn't put the work in, hasn't listened to constructive feedback and then when they haven't achieved it must be everyone else's fault.

MaisyPops, totally and utterly wrong conclusion to come to.

It does sound that way though OP. From the outside anyway.

It doesn't make sense that someone hard working, gets involved in things, listens to feedback, throws himself into things etc would end up having so many issues with so many students and get negative feedback from some tutors.

I can see 'throws self into everything, super engaged and keen, desperate to do well' might mean some of their peers being a bit off, but I that typically goes hand in hand with tutors being full of praise and even if there's areas for development it would be 'don't worry, you'll need to resit but we'll get you through'.

I've seen and heard many staff say one thing and then what is reported back is miles away from ghe reality (e.g. if you continuw with that work ethic then you'll not get your grades / with that attitude you'd not last 5 mins in X industry = you said my career was over, I will never pass your subject, have no future etc)

Equally, I have seen students who have rubbed staff up the wrong way for major and minot reasons. I have seen staff be abrupt (sometimes unreasonably so in my opinion) with an otherwise well meaning student. Generally their marks are all fine qnd their relationships with peers is good (think 'i can't believe Dave was so short with you in class mate. He'll get over it).

The fact that it goes from mean uni tutors being responsible for his lack of communication, then he's just weak at movement because of his build, then it's that he's just asked some questions, then he's made it clear he thinks some classes are pointless, then students apparently have an issue, then staff have laid into him for an hour.
The only time i've ever come across that sort of pattern of 'I'm great but the world is mean to me' is when they have been students who've not done what they needed to and then not liked the outcome.

I think that as a parent it is useful to be able to do tough love. As in, 'You are obviously finding your course difficult, but how do you think you may have contributed to the difficulties you are facing?'

'Working well with others' is a basic requirement for ensemble acting. You can get away with being 'difficult' when you have won your second Oscar.

Has your DS been critical of the work of others on the course? Has he boasted of his TV work or making the final cut so frequently? Has he disparaged others' experiences?

Apart from judging some requirements 'cringey' and not showing up for classes, is his own mouth his worst enemy? You said upthread that perhaps one lesson he needs to learn is to watch his mouth.

If he was doing a group project in any subject in secondary, what role was he usually assigned by the group?

I ask because one of my DCs had a girl in her class whom everyone dreaded working with. If assigned a group project with this girl everyone quickly learned to give her some busywork to keep her occupied - nothing crucial to the final product. This was because she was unreliable, did her own thing regardless of an agreed format or agreed contributions, and actually spoiled other people's artwork, lettering, etc.

You also mentioned standup earlier. It seems to me from your subsequent posts that he has many attributes that would contribute to a successful career at that. He could even use the physical awkwardness.

I want to add - bringing up bitchiness on the part of others after a poor final assessment is terribly immature and very bad form.

It is indeed not the uni instructors' job to see to it that he's attending class. As an instructor I only have to do attendance for the first two weeks just so that we know if students have dropped out but are still on the roster. Some courses don't even have that requirement.

If your son was having problems, most universities have counselling services available to students free of charge. It was his responsibility to take advantage of that. It's not his instructors' job to take a personal interest in his mental health. He could have gone to them and asked for help accessing the counsellors if he wanted, but they aren't going to seek him out to see if he needs that help.

Another possibility that occurred to me with the mention of stand up comedy is that the OP's ds may be an excellent performer on his own but not be so good with groups because he is too individualistic and/or too likely to improvise. I would have expected this to come up as an issue previously (assuming the OP's ds did drama at school or in groups out of school) but then again the only reason I know my ds was like this in his drama group is because his sister complained about it, she said it was really difficult to play against him because he never followed the script. Group dynamics can be difficult though, and no one except your son and his course mates will know what happened (and they will all have their different perspectives too).

For now the OP can only continue supporting her son to come to term with his difficult experience. He will need to decide what he wants to do next, whether he can and wants to retake his assessments and if so what he needs to do to pass them (ie dyspraxia assessment, tutoring etc). One thing I would be talking to him about is reaching out for help when needed, as it sounds as if he really struggled this year (for whatever reason) but his family didn't know, he didn't talk to his tutors or reach out for help to student services.

He's 18 he needs telling at some stage if he's no good

This 'those who can't do, teach' nonsense is just that: nonsense.

I'm really, REALLY good at my job, but I'd be a shockingly bad teacher, because I have neither the skill set or temperament.

Poloshot A couple of teachers have decided he isn't good at movement on a PA course.

He could just be on the wrong course. He certainly isn't "no good"

DD was told by a teacher not to pursue the career she is making a success in at the age of 10.

Just because someone says something it doesn't make it true.

I teach in a creative field and the people who end up doing the best are the ones who have a positive attitude to feedback regarding it as an opportunity to reflect on - and improve - their own performance.

There are students whose attitude to any feedback other than unqualified praise is to become quite challenging. What they're essentially looking for is praise and to be fixed up with an agent. They don't want to be told that more work is necessary and there are some fundamental issues which need to be addressed. Their response is to say have I actually looked at their work properly? Their friends think that their work is brilliant so why can't I see how good it is?

I don't get a buzz out of telling students that there are aspects of their work which need to change. I like telling them what their strengths are. But I am also aware that they are trying to move forward in a field that is really really competitive. I am not doing my job unless I indicate the ways in which they need to keep on working.

For now the OP can only continue supporting her son to come to term with his difficult experience. He will need to decide what he wants to do next, whether he can and wants to retake his assessments and if so what he needs to do to pass them (ie dyspraxia assessment, tutoring etc). One thing I would be talking to him about is reaching out for help when needed, as it sounds as if he really struggled this year (for whatever reason) but his family didn't know, he didn't talk to his tutors or reach out for help to student services

This.

I teach in a creative field and the people who end up doing the best are the ones who have a positive attitude to feedback regarding it as an opportunity to reflect on - and improve - their own performance.

And this.

He may of course need a few days to come to terms and feel sorry for himself, but pretty soon he will need to pick himself up and decide which way to go.

If he decides to go on along the same path, then he needs to think about how he can turn this into a positive. What can he learn- not only about movement, but also about networking, about group dynamics, about becoming the person everybody wants to work with.

This is an industry where it is almost impossible to get along without having a very good understanding of what makes other people feel good about themselves and good about the group and good about pushing you forward.

Not to say that he is necessarily to blame for the current situation, but a few things you have let slip sound as if he could do with working more on that aspect of his training.

And definitely, as nooka says, asking for help.