Am I being unreasonable to be angry with my son’s uni tutors?

[Ladymacbethshandwash]

My 18 year old son is coming to the end of his first year of a performing arts degree. Since he was a little boy he wanted to become an actor so this was the natural route for him to take.

He has struggled with certain aspects of the course, namely the movement side as he is 6 foot 3 and as graceful as bambi on ice. He has failed his two movement assessments and passed his acting assessments. Today at his end of year tutorial his tutors told him he will never make it as an actor. They bluntly destroyed his dreams and sent him on his way. My 18 year old son is away from home, distraught because in his opinion his dream is over, his life is finished. He won’t come home and he doesn’t want to speak to me. Why oh why could they have not been a little more careful about the language they used? I know I’m his Mum, so I am obviously biased but he does have something, he’s funny, confident, handsome and he does have acting ability. Unfortunately he doesn’t believe this now, he’s so low I don’t know what to do.

And it is categorically not a failure to teach him. Successive governments may have been ideologically intent on insisting that it’s all the teacher’s responsibility, but (as a teacher) you will know that sometimes students just don’t learn. It might be that they’re not working hard enough, or that their attitude prevents them from progressing, or that something is going on in their lives, or all sorts of things. But it is not necessarily a ‘failure to teach them’.

The OP telling her son that it’s actually the tutors’ fault anyway because they didn’t teach him right is not going to help him to take responsibility for his own learning and development.

I'm genuinely sorry for your son. However, as you have already acknowledged, you are biased towards your son. I'm guessing the performing arts business is pretty competitive when it comes to finding work. I guess that your son just doesn't have what it takes. Having said that, I wonder how many stars have had that said about them before proving their critics wrong. Whatever, I hope your son proves everyone wrong.

it’s pretending to be an animal
Well it's a good job that most acting roles involve pretending to be another human being then! So he won't get to act in The Lion King, I'm sure he'll cope with that (though I bet he could use his comic talent & gangliness well as the back end of a pantomime horse!) - look at Daniel Radliffe, he's made millions and he's as wooden as a forest full of big trees. If your son wants to be an actor he'll find a way. Maybe it won't be via his current course but that's not the only way and he can use this experience for a future role.
But to answer the Q - YANBU to be a bit angry with them, though it's pretty much their job to weed out those students not capable of finishing a course. DS will be okay, he just needs time to wallow for a bit before dusting himself off again.

My main tutor (who I love to death) gave us all the same piece of advise on our first day and last day.
He said, ‘no one wants to see your work, most of the world would prefer it if you just got a normal job and shut up. To make it you have to do it for yourself, love what you do and carve it for yourself.’

It made a few of us cry on the first day but we totally got it by the end.
And it’s true.

Maybe he needs some time out to consider his future. Perhaps the course is not th right fit for him.....there maybe a better course for him?

The only issue I have with the tutors is the fact that they have left him in the state he is currently in. He is struggling with the movement part of the course and that is down to his physicality not the teaching.

Teacuphiccup despite sounding superficially harsh that's really inspiring isn't it? Sounds quite different from this ds' experience though where they seem intent on totally destroying his self-belief.

OP it must be horrible for you not to be able to reach him but from all you've said I feel sure he will find another way to get there

They haven't left him in this state

You are placing too much emphasis on how the tutors are awful and how even him failing assessments isn't his fault it's just because he's tall.
It does seem a bit like any element of not being successful in acting is explained away by mean tutors, his size, his shoe size, how bad the module is etc.

He failed some of his assessments.Tutors have expressed concerns about his ability to pass the course and have correctly pointed out that 'just believing' you'll do something doesn't make it reality.

They are not responsible for him failing his assessments.
They are not responsible for him responding badly.
They are not responsible for him not texting you back.

Is it a rubbish situation to be in? Yes. Is it probably hard for him (having been told he's amazing and will make it) to meet failure and the realisation he might not? Yes.
But that's life.

My daughter graduated last year, a tutor who had no experience whatsoever in her chosen industry told her she would not succeed. My daughter has started and doing well in her in her chosen career. These people are not always right it’s just their opinion. I too had to comfort a distraught child. I told her to prove this woman wrong and she has done just that

His tutors sound like cunts, tbh.
Nope, YADNBU.

screw them. has he been for a dyspraxia test. i had to do all uni retakes because of this and found out aged 36. Acting is about rejection. This is the first big blow to the stomach, albeit from people who should have been supportive. They probably aren't so successful themselves being teaching faculty (ooooooooooooooooh nasty blow). Loads of careers require performers not only acting. Barristers for example, yoga teachers, teachers.... alexander technique is freeing for actors and might be interesting for his movement.

Teachers sound awful. Sounds horrid.

I think people are missing the point here. The problem is not lack of grace. The problem is that his dry analytical self is building a barrier, which is the opposite of openness to getting into another character physically and emotionally. It's possible too that the dry, analytical, critical persona comes across as a smart arse, and has rubbed his tutors up the wrong way all year.

NoSquirrels hit the nail on the head.

I would advise your son to do a degree in some subject that interests him and to join a university drama society. I went to university in Dublin and know of oodles of great actors who came up through the university drama scene, among them the late great Dermot Morgan afaik.

Maybe look into a university that has a really good drama scene as opposed to a drama degree, so he can cut his teeth in a real life situation.

It might seem harsh but I have to agree with everything MaisyPops said above.

My impression from talking to my friend's son - who's a commercially successful actor - is that as well as talent, it's necessary to be able to take direction (even if you may not agree with what you're being asked to do). It's also important to be a good team player. If you don't muck in with the rest of the crew and the techies, then you'll be regarded as difficult to work with. I think it's usually best to regard criticism as a gift - often it's the sort of gift which is difficult to receive at the time. I hope your son thinks about the feedback he is given and that it helps him to move forward.

It's hard to be told you'll never make it. But far, far harder to live as an actor - better to deal with the disappointment now and find another more fulfilling occupation while there's still time. It is very very hard to act for a living. There are enormous highs but they come along only rarely. Most of the time it's about waiting for something to happen, getting excited about the possibility of something happening (ie. a casting), then slowly becoming more and more disillusioned as you don't get chosen for the work you want to do. And in the meantime, you have to live. Sorry - but there it is!

I didn't mean to sound harsh AllyMcBeagle
Just sometimes the realisation that there's a whole new level out there can be a shock, especially if you're always being told how awesome you are and you'll always make it (and if you don't make it or find something difficult then it's because of some other factor beyond your control so really you are still awesome, everything else aroubd you is off)

I think the course is wrong for him.

I think a drama school would be more suitable.

I think he would do well to apply to drama school for September 2019 and try doing other stuff in the mean time like hospitality, extra work, student films, maybe even pursuing his stand up etc maybe look for an agent.

Acting is not like other careers where you need so many GCSEs the correct number of A.Levels. In the correct subjects and a degree in a certain subject to get an interview in your chosen profession.

I would just tell him to go for it and kiss of the uni course.

His tutors did say they thought he might be dyspraxic which could be a possibility as his younger brother has dyspraxia and they do share some traits, so we are just waiting on an occupational therapy referral. In terms of failing his assessments, he passed all his pure acting assignments, he passed his voice assignments and passed his prose assignments. He failed his two movement assignments because he is awkward and struggles with fine movement, he has very little rhythm (think Steve Martin in the jerk). I don't think I am trying to put the blame on his tutors for him failing, but I am pissed off that he has been left so upset that he thinks his life is over.

I used to teach performing arts and specialise in actor training.

I'd lay money on this not being about his movement ability per se but the attitude he takes to it. Everyone feels like a dick pretending to be a caterpillar, but good actors don't perform this feeling. Everyone wonders what the effing point of being a really good embodiment of a windy sea is, but good actors don't wear this all over their faces. They get on with it, and they look to the spectator like an individual completely focused on being a caterpillar or a windy sea, they look like a person who thinks the most important and interesting thing in the world right now is their performance of a caterpillar or a windy sea. They do not look like they think your stupid workshop task is stupid and pointless, or like they feel stupid when they are doing it.

Chances are he feels awkward, and thinks the movement stuff is a bit pointless anyway, and communicates this through his movement work. But the whole thing about good actors is they treat every piece of work with equal seriousness and wonder, even stupid, petty, ridiculous, blatantly non-sensical workshop tasks. That's how come women can turn award winning performances in films that don't even pass the Bechdel test, for example.

Also the response to his statement that he believes he will make it as an actor may not be a comment on whether they do but instead an invitation to understand that it is not 'just' a matter of self-belief or whatever, you do actually need a skill set to be an actor. That skill set does include movement practice. Acting at its base is a movement practice after all.

I would also never give him false hope, I'm not the one who auditioned him intensely over the course of a day and offered him a place on the course on the spot prior to going through UCAS.

I didn't mean to sound harsh AllyMcBeagle

Oh I don't think you were being harsh, just that the OP might take it that way as my understanding from their posts is that their son would inevitably fail due to their height. I think there are other reasons. The big fish, small pond point is very relevant and it sounds like the son doesn't enjoy (and possibly hasn't taken very seriously) the movement classes.

Sorry he has experienced this. If he loves that work and world I bet he will find his way in it if he perseveres and works hard. I heard Ann-Marie Duff on Desert Island Discs recently saying at drama school she was permanently in danger of being kicked off the course, so the tutors are not always right.

but I am pissed off that he has been left so upset that he thinks his life is over.
But then that is (unfortunately) about his own resilience.
He can manage knock backs at auditions because the foundation of 'i am great and will make it as an actor one day' isn't being questions. Rejections from auditions are 'you're not thr best fit for the part'.

This is bigger than that. Someone (probably for the first time) has challenged the idea that 'believing you will make it' is a sign you will and they've questioned a career path he has ben focusing on for years and been encouraged on for years. It's going to knock him. How much it knocks him depends on his own resilience and how self-aware he is.

I was training at a sports club with someone who was on the junior training programmes (imminently going pro level) when they were younger... then they had a physical injury which stopped any pro career before they had fully started. That knocked them because they were at the brink of their dreams and it was over for good. The thing they spoke of was how honest the coaches were e.g. if you can't do X then your place is in question, we need people who can do x y z well, consistently.
If your DC is this devestated because he's been told he needs more than believing in himself (think how many X Factor auditions start with someone who can't sing saying they know they're the next star?) then that's lack of resilience.

What OutsSelf said. Exactly that.

But for you, OP, because I know it must feel awful seeing your DS so devastated.