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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to be angry with my son’s uni tutors?

347 replies

Ladymacbethshandwash · 18/05/2018 17:04

My 18 year old son is coming to the end of his first year of a performing arts degree. Since he was a little boy he wanted to become an actor so this was the natural route for him to take.

He has struggled with certain aspects of the course, namely the movement side as he is 6 foot 3 and as graceful as bambi on ice. He has failed his two movement assessments and passed his acting assessments. Today at his end of year tutorial his tutors told him he will never make it as an actor. They bluntly destroyed his dreams and sent him on his way. My 18 year old son is away from home, distraught because in his opinion his dream is over, his life is finished. He won’t come home and he doesn’t want to speak to me. Why oh why could they have not been a little more careful about the language they used? I know I’m his Mum, so I am obviously biased but he does have something, he’s funny, confident, handsome and he does have acting ability. Unfortunately he doesn’t believe this now, he’s so low I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
flowercrow · 19/05/2018 10:34

Hope you have heard from him now and that he is doing a bit better and being supported by friends.
Daniel Radcliffe who plays Harry Potter is dyspraxic.
Glad your son will have an assessment for it.
I would phone the disability student services at your son's uni and ask to speak to a disability advisor. They are used to dealing with parents as well as students. I would ask them about accommodations if your son gets a diagnosis .
If you can afford it, I would pay privately for a dyspraxia assessment as will be much quicker, and help you and your son plan the next steps to take.

Teacuphiccup · 19/05/2018 10:38

Performing arts courses usually have amazing dyspraxia and dyslexia help, 1 in four of the students at the conservatoire I attended had a learning difficulty.
I have both dyslexia and dyspraxia and the spotted it straight away and the support I received was amazing.

karyatide · 19/05/2018 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 19/05/2018 10:54

Tbh there’s quite a few dyspraxic actors so shouldn’t stop your son.

MaisyPops · 19/05/2018 12:17

Is there really not a single thread on MN, where comments are not nitpicked, copied & pasted and highlighted for criticism?
In the absence of a 'reply/quote' function, copying and highlighting is an easy way to show who people are replying to.

LIZS · 19/05/2018 12:32

It sounds brutal but is there any way he may have not listened to previous criticism and addressed it? Maybe a different course or setting would play more to his strengths.

Ruffian · 19/05/2018 14:58

Of course you can't just be anything through self-belief but he has shown he has talent in this area so it's not unrealistic for him to get there by one route or another.

His tutors could have been more constructive in saying that he probably wasn't right for their course rather than trying to tear him down completely so op is not BU to be angry at them.

Pequena1984 · 19/05/2018 15:00

Is it better he finds out now he isn't cut out for this or in 5 years?

boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 15:05

some big actors who made it were told similar things but the sad reality is that acting and showbiz is a very very hard industry. The tutors are professionals remember and they are telling him what they believe.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/05/2018 15:18

Yes I know acting courses have movement classes but ops ds is on a performing arts course which by its very nature is going to rely more heavily on movement/dance

Lichtie · 19/05/2018 15:26

Well they do say those that can do, those that can't teach.
If they were so good themselves they wouldn't be teaching so I'd tell him to pay no notice.

Teacuphiccup · 19/05/2018 15:30

^Well they do say those that can do, those that can't teach.
If they were so good themselves they wouldn't be teaching so I'd tell him to pay no notice.^

No one actually believes this crap do they?

Teacuphiccup · 19/05/2018 15:33

Teaching acting is a completely different skill set to acting itself being a good actor doesn’t mean you’d be a good teacher and being a good teacher doesn’t mean you’d be a bad actor.
There are loads of reasons why someone might prefer to teach than act, it’s a stable job and has maternity pay and good holidays if you have children.

Lecturing is a pretty competitive job too to be fair.

ByeMF · 19/05/2018 15:37

YABU. He's left home and gone to uni. If he can't deal with being told that he's never going to make it. He needs to toughen up. And I say this as a mature student who can't believe how utterly unprepared 18/19 year olds are for uni life.

Mamaryllis · 19/05/2018 15:43

I know a couple of kids who got cut at the end of first year for Performing Arts. In the schools I am familiar with, there is no automatic right of entry to degree - the first year is essentially diploma stuff and there is an entry process including further auditions for the second and subsequent years. Performing Arts isn’t for the faint of heart as you need to be nails just to make it into second year.
The girls I know were cut with 85% averages at the end of first year, because they weren’t deemed ‘right’. It’s so hard. One was cut last summer and is still looking for what’s next (v hard to get accepted elsewhere for second year even with great grades as most performing arts schools are v similar). She’s been auditioning and doing community theatre but can’t get back into a course.
Ds1 wants to do this. I have talked long and hard with him and read the fine print for all courses - I have yet to find one where acceptance for first year means acceptance for the full programme.
You have to go into performing arts degrees with your eyes wide open about the prospects of finishing them - no matter how talented you are.
It’s rough.

NEScribe · 19/05/2018 18:31

(Firstly I will say I don't know anything about the course your son is on. As another person has asked - does movement mean "dance" or does it just mean being able to walk/sit in certain way?)

However I am a university tutor and, given the work that universities now put into "retention" since lost students means lost money, I can't imagine they have asked him to leave the course.

And please don't listen to people saying ... not everyone gets their dream/we need people in everyday jobs too. That may be true - it's a harsh world out there - but I would never advise a child to give up their dream.
The world is full of people who didn't make it - but there are many who did make it despite what their teachers/tutors/bosses ever said to them.
If this is important to him then encourage him all you can. In the meantime, find out the name of the tutor and look them up on the uni website. Give them a ring and say your son is devastated and you obviously want to help him. Is movement a core module - or could he switch to other optional modules instead? If not, then can he still get his degree if he does well in the other elements?
If you are nervous about ringing (although most are very helpful) then the website will have the tutor's email so you can write instead.
Worth checking whether there is some other reason the tutor doesn't believe he will make it as an actor. (I don't know your son and perhaps he is a really good actor but maybe he struggles with certain elements of it?)
Ring your son - tell him if he is serious about acting he needs to toughen up and prove his tutor wrong. (I can't tell you how many students have got in touch on LinkedIn years after graduating and have achieved more than tutors ever thought they would.)
If there's a will there's a way as they say and one person's "wooden actor" is another person's dream cast member.

Let us know how it goes. I really feel for you. When they are little, you can make it all better with a hug and it's really hard when they reach the point where mum can't solve all the problems xx

manicmij · 19/05/2018 18:59

A career in which rejection has to be accepted. If your DS hasn't been told to leave he could carry on in the hope he eventually overcomes the part of the course he has failed. Or, could he move to another establishment rather than Uni. Lots of colleges do performing art courses. He is an adult and either becomes determined to stick to his dream or choose something different. Wish him all the best.

MiggeldyHiggins · 19/05/2018 19:05

If he's so bad at handling rejection then they are right, he'll never be an actor.

OFuckShitAndBollocks · 19/05/2018 19:28

I'm an actress and I can promise you that as long as an actor/your DS can follow stage directions and doesn't collapse when he moves (which I highly doubt) that he can and should continue. I haven't read the full thread but I'm assuming as it's performing arts (it's all changed since I trained), that it's more dance/movement lead? An ability to move, or not move, like a gazelle categorically doesn't impact on straight (as in not musical theatre) acting at all. Furthermore anyone can learn a few moves if needs be, even the none dancie (i.e. me) of us. Acting is about understanding and communicating text, not about movement and grace of movement.

I think they're being twats!

artggghhh · 19/05/2018 19:33

Jesus. Don't ring the university and tell them they've upset your son Shock

nooka · 19/05/2018 19:42

I am really surprised to see a university tutor posting to suggest that a student's parents gets in touch with her son's tutor. In most threads dominated by post secondary people on MN the general view is that parents should encourage their children to take charge of their own learning with lots of complaints about parents trying to take the lead. In my own university even when students were having serious struggles with their mental health parental involvement was very very limited, and only happened where the student had explicitly informed the university that they wanted their parents to be involved.

Rereading the OP's posts I see that her son failed what appear to be two core modules which he both struggled with and had an attitude about. This may be totally understandable, but unless they are purely first year courses even if he is able to retake the assessment and passes he is likely to struggle with more advanced courses in his second and third year. So he needs to change his attitude toward movement as well as improve his performance or he needs to change to a course that doesn't include movement.

It is a pity that in the UK that means essentially beginning again (my children are in a different university system where credits can easily be transferred if you make what turn out to be wrong choices) but that's the choice he is faced with and I don't think it was unfair for the tutors to spell that out to him. The question I'd be wanting to ask my son would be when he was first told/ learned that he was struggling, and how he responded to that. It took a while for my son to admit that he was at fault with the courses he failed/ dropped out of, and he was lucky enough to be able to have a fairly easy path back to success (although I'm sure he'd be much happier not to have to take a course over the summer). It takes maturity to admit that you failed because you had an attitude problem / didn't like the prof / didn't work hard enough / put your energy into the courses you liked instead and that you are responsible for your own poor performance and annoying your professors. I hope that the OP's ds gets the chance to reflect, pick up the pieces and succeed again.

FunderAnna · 19/05/2018 19:42

18 year-olds are adults. Universities are not going to discuss details of a student's work with parents - it would be a breach of confidentiality. They do have to listen to concerned mothers and fathers, but that's about as far as it goes.

Graphista · 19/05/2018 19:54

Well as mnhq themselves say we're anonymous here, not everyone is who they claim to be.

Original poster
Ladymacbethshandwash · 19/05/2018 19:59

Oh goodness, I would never phone the university, my son would never forgive me and to be honest I'd feel like a bit of a twat.

OP posts: