AIBU to not forgive SIL affair?

[Ambs81]

This is a complicated one- but I'll try to tell the short version! Any advice, especially from those who've experienced similar would be great.
Last year I found out a work colleague had split from their husband of 10 years after finding out he'd been having a 6 month affair with a younger women, who was known to my work colleague.
Like anyone, my work friend had completely broken down, she'd confronted the girl he was having the affair with -who she knew well and after a few days, rang the fiancee of the girl involved to make sure he also knew what had been going on.
She found out when typically, her idiot now-ex-husband had left his phone with hundreds of photos, video, messages from the other women in an archived chat. Most of it was quite sexual, but they had also told each other they loved each other, and discussed plans to leave their partners (talking solicitors for divorce, living arrrangements).
The plot thickened when a week later, it was mentioned in passing the name of the finance of the girl involved in the affair - it was my brother in laws name (my husband's brother). Its not a very common first name, or surname (now my surname), i was surprised my work friends hadn't already made the connection.
We quickly confirmed it was my BIL financee (they are due to get married this summer), I was shown some of the images / video involved and it was clear she was the guilty party, I also noticed she'd come off social media at this point.
I obviously told my husband, and explained his brother already knew what had gone on - but encouraged him to talk to his brother and support him through the fallout.
His brother was extremely upset we knew, and as his fiancee had managed to convince him the affair was just text messages, not sex, our input confirmed that it was sexual (i watched footage of them having sex!), which obviously caused my BIL more upset.
Long story short, 6 months later and my BIL has decided to stay with the his financee, after 2-3 days living apart, they decided they were both to blame and wanted to stay together.
My BIL suffers from depression, and it seems as though the family feel this caused her to have an affair, as he was distant and not meeting her needs. As someone who has suffered with depression, I feel really shocked that this is being used to justify her betrayal. Also worth noting she was my BIL first relationship/ girlfriend, so he has no other frame of reference.
They've also decided to go ahead with the wedding this year, 10 months after the affair came out. While I think it's far enough to stay together, I think going ahead with the wedding as planned is a joke - especially with it taking place in a catholic church.
While the rest of the family have totally forgiven and forgotten, my husband and I are really struggling to come to terms with it and treat her as family. My husbands family don't want it to be talked about, it is completely swept under the carpet now, but I havent directly spoken to my BIL or his fiancee since this came out (6 months ago).
At the request of my mother in law (who i greatly respect, she has helped me a lot with my DS) I did reach out to the girl involved, suggesting we meet and bury the hatchet. The reply was quite a rude and basically indicated they were angry at us, and that she was willing to accept me as family 'no matter what' (inferring I'd done something wrong??).
Since that exchange of messages there has been no contact, I'm avoiding family situations/ occasions where they'll be and visa versa.
I'm happy to continue with this, but with the wedding approaching i feel it is going to come to a head, as I don't want to attend and don't want my son to attend.
I would go out of respect for my BIL (who was a close childhood friend and how I met my husband), but as he hasn't spoken to me since this happened I feel that I have no relationship with the bride or groom, and it feels bizarre to think of going to their wedding when I'm not on speaking terms with them.
I still feel so angry at her and I feel devasted for my BIL, because he is such a lovely guy and I feel he is being duped. None of his close friends know the truth and I worry the only people he confinded in - his parents- were more worried about maintaining the status quo (as the wedding invites had gone out, they own a house together etc) then his self esteem and self worth.
As the family have moved on so quickly, I feel they think IABU to still hold a grudge and not let it go, I also know it will hurt my MIL and FIL to not have me at the wedding, more then anything because they wouldn't like their friends to think/know they was an issue/dispute in the family.
I know I'm taking the moral highground with nothing to really gain, but just can't move pass the fact that she did this to my BIL and also to my work friend - who has now ended her marriage of 10 years.
It seems wrong that on one side a marriage is over, but on the other its business as usual and the wedding planning is in full swing.
Had her cheating been a one off, or even a two-off thing, I wouldn't feel as strongly but it was such a prolonged affair, with meeting for sex 1-2 times a week in my BIL house, there was also a lot of bad mouthing of my BIL in the messages exchanged, and she was putting a lot of pressure on the man involved to get a solicitor and get a divorce.
I also find it weird that while my work friends marriage was in a bad place - they were having counselling - my BIL was unaware of any problem, and his fiancee seemed fine and very actively planning her wedding.
Another side note is my own brother, having cheated on his fiancee went ahead with his wedding and then split after 6 months - and still can't start divorce proceedings as haven't been married long enough. I wish I'd advised my brother to delay his wedding, but as he was the wrong-doer I guess I encouraged him (or at least didn't discourage hime) to make things right by going through with it (in the end it was his wife's choice to end it). I'm raising this as I have recent experience with how marrying of the back of infidelity is never a good idea!
Sorry for such a long post...I guess my question to you guys is AIBU to not forgive and forget, and AIBU to not attend wedding?

What strikes me is the extent to which you seem to want to punish your BiL. Like...you are angry with SiL on your friend's behalf and want to punish her, and you almost seem to want to punish BiL for not joining in on this. You want to publicly humiliate him by telling all his friends about a very painful part of his life, you want to mess up his wedding by either pointedly shunning it or making a public scene, you want to create a rift between him and his family - that doesn't sound supportive at all.

I also agree with some others that watching the sex video was very very wrong. I understand that your friend stumbled across it, but you didn't. You chose to watch it. Revenge porn is illegal and is a form of sexual assault as far as I am concerned. You should not have done that at all and I'm saddened at how little guilt you feel.

I got married pretty recently (4 years ago- it feels recent anyway!)

I can't imagine having anyone there who I was at odds with, so that's why I can't imagine being there.

Saying that, like most people, I have been to wedding where i didn;t know the bride or groom. So i guess i could approach it that way...

All the above messages make me feel i need to reach out to BIL, not relating to affair but just general catch up)

Oh and to everyone going on about the video:

the OP did not 'watch' the video

She is very very clear about the circumstances that led to her being shown a clip of the video(s) by her poor friend. They are of importance as they proved significant for proving the affair. OP doesn't bring in the videos bit as a way of painting OW even worse. And she did not 'watch' them.

People need to stop bringing in the videos bit as a way of demonstrating how OP has overstepped, or is too invested, or has broken the law as it's totally disengenous.

i watched footage of them having sex!

Fizzy, the above is a direct quote from the OP in her first post. So not sure why you are trying to claim she didn't watch since she clearly states herself she did. And thinks - like you - that there is nothing wrong with it. There is.

Eventually she walked that back to watching just a few seconds. She knew what she was being shown and she watched it. It is grim. Lots of people would probably do the same but it doesn't make it any less grim.

You want to publicly humiliate him by telling all his friends about a very painful part of his life

no, OP talks about telling the friends of BIL who are also her own friends of 25 years standing as a. she and her DH feel very uncomfortable that them not knowing has meant that depressed, inexperienced BIL really hasn't had any support apart from his own family pressuring him to keep up appearances and b. she feels they'll know something's up at the wedding anyway

you want to mess up his wedding by either pointedly shunning it or making a public scene

no, OP wants to not have to go and be utterly fake and see her son used as a prop, nowhere does she mention making any scene,

you want to create a rift between him and his family

no mention of that - she speaks about her inlaws in terms of HER dealing with HER situation with them telling HER how she has to behave, pressuring HER re the wedding and even making her contact the SIL. OP talks, especially of MIL, in terms of her own situation with her.

The phone works two ways OP.
BIL could also have phoned you to catch up. It was his soon to be wife who hurt him not you.
That also works in regards to him seeing your child. He could pick up the phone but he hasn't. Why should you chase people to see your child?
I would not be going to the wedding and if anyone asked I would be honest and say why.

You're a gossip OP. This is none of your business yet you're stoking the fire in every direction.

What happened is nothing to do with you. Either go to the wedding and support the couple or don't, but don't think you're taking some moral high ground as you're not. You're just showing yourself up to be a busybody.

People are getting confused here over “rights”

Op has the “right” to tell anyone anything she wants so long as it’s true. If she wants to tell bils friends about the shagging, she can. Although I personally wouldn’t.

Secondly it’s incorrect to say shagger SIL doesn’t owe the OP an apology. Shagger’s actions have clearly upset OP and made her worry for her BIL. Cheating has very wide ranging consequences, not just for the poor sod you cheat on. Cheater is going to have to suck this up.

Cheater is going to have to suck this up.

She really doesn't. She had to apologise or whatever if she wanted her relationship/engagement to continue but she really doesn't have to do anything with the OP. My guess is the SIL is perfectly happy to have little or nothing to do with the OP and her husband so she really has to suck up nothing at all.

FizzyGreenWater - I have been in BiL's shoes. I cannot think of anything more excruciating than someone who is meant to care about me gossiping to all my friends.

I am with you OP my SIL (brother's wife) cheated on him with a 6 month old baby and an older dc too she blamed it on PND - wasnt aware that PND makes you drop your knickers but happy to be proven wrong.

Anyway my wet flannel of a brother took her back and expected everyone to get on with it and it has all been swept under the carpet in the family but not forgotten in any way especially lying to our faces she hadnt cheated when Bro had seen screenshots from her phone that proved otherwise.

None of their friendship group forgave her as they were very protective of him so they now live very insular lives as a result.

I would reach out to him if he was as good a friend in the past as you say i wouldnt be able to show face at the wedding without having done so. Definitely dont tell anyone else you will just look like you are stirring and it is not your place to do so.

So not sure why you are trying to claim she didn't watch since she clearly states herself she did.

This is just an example of what happens in every AIBU. OP describes the situation. Posters pounce and ask for clarification, often simply as a way of pulling OP apart as really they're just here for a good old argument. OP clarifies points. Ah no, no, say devil's advocates, that's not what you said. You clearly used the word 'x', so that means you must have done this, and felt like this about it, and that's BAD. No, says OP, I meant this.

It is normal for people to describe situations and then have to clarify the nuances. OP first says 'I was shown some of the images / video involved and it was clear she was the guilty party', then later, when describing angrily how OW-SIL lied, says 'I watched footage of them having sex!' Both forms of description can cover a. OP seeing a two second clip, friend saying 'You see!' and OP going 'Jesus, turn that off' or b. OP and friend watching an entire sex scene in horrified fascination.

So, people ask and OP clarifies. But, being AIBU, it's more fun to choose to see her as a liar, backtracker, drip feeder, isn't it?

In normal conversation, this wouldn't be an issue:

'you WATCHED it?!'
'well no of course I didn't! I saw two seconds and turned away, I felt fucking sick!'
'oh you said watched'
'well you know what I mean! I saw it! She was definitely lying...'

etc.

@FizzyGreenWater nailed it.

I'm sure if he's getting married he's an adult and can make his own decisions. Obv you dint agree but it's up to him

I think if you respect your parents in law you are going to have to go. They will be very disappointed if their grandson is not there and if they are that aware of people talking about them they will think you are rude not to be there. Are you prepared for a fall out from them?
I feel very sad for your bil.

All the above messages make me feel i need to reach out to BIL, not relating to affair but just general catch up)

He's not going to want a 'general catch up' with you. Either reach out to both of them or leave well alone. Honestly I suspect your previous friendship with him is permanently damaged but he'll be civil at family events for your DH's sake.

You should step back and support your DH in reconnecting with BIL, the relationship between the brothers is the one that matters most. Perhaps your DH could take your DS to see him before the wedding and your DH then attend the wedding with his family alone without you.

If you don't back off from attempting to meddle with your inlaws private business you're in danger of causing issues in your own marriage.

Fizzy I never called her a liar backtracker or dripfeeder so please stop saying things that are simply not true.

Nor do you have any idea of what the OP said before or after the video was shown - again you are saying what you would like to have happened.

THe OP did clarify - that she watched about 5 seconds of 2 people having sex. In my opinion she should not have done that. You disagree. Fine - but don't impute words or whole posts to me that I simply didn't say.

@Jesu

How am I a hypocrite? I've not had an affair.

In terms of what i want, i think they should maybe defer wedding until next year.

I found the run up to my wedding a whirlwind, planning, hens, stags, etc - its not 'real life'. I would recommend they have a year of just being 'normal' at home, working, usual stuff (especially as the root cause of the affair - according to them- was living seperate lives, not communicating, depression)

I'd get those things sorted, get to a place where they feel back on track - then organise a wedding.

I'd also say as my BIL started anti-depressants just after this came out, he should allow those to bed in a bit before making such a massive commitment. I've been on anti-depressants myself, triggered by a friends suicide, and I was like a zombie for a few months - insomnia, cotton mouth, nausea. I wouldn't have been in a place to make a life long decision or commitment.

Getting married is serious, I'm at the age where a few friends have started getting divorced etc, its not nice - even when its happening for 100% the right reasons. When there are kids involved, its even harder.

YABVU.

Firstly, don't you dare tell BIL's friends about the affair just because you know them too - that is a disgusting and despicable thing to do.

I know how your BIL feels as I have been the 'victim'. You do not know what went on in that relationship - you only see what you do from the outside. People thought and still think my marriage is perfect, but they do not know how it actually was (I like BIL was oblivious to it).

Dealing with an affair is so hard and I would hate to be your BIL with everyone knowing and judging (especially if you start telling more people). For him to forgive and move on with his fiancee is a hard decision and you need to support him, not hold a grudge yourself and make it harder.

Yes she may not be the person you thought she was, but your BIL wants to be with her and you need to accept that and be there for him. He will be going through a hell of a lot dealing with it (and mortified that you all know the extent of what happened). It may not work out, but that is for your BIL to figure out. Your and your DH's job is to be there for him and support him.

You are making his relationship about you - she did not cheat on you she cheated on your DH. He needs the support and you need to step up and make amends with him. You do not need to forgive her, but you need to find a way to make peace with it so you can be there.

Your BIL will not forgive you if you do not go and that is not what the family needs. Start by reaching out for a catch up and take it from there. You don't need to have anything to do with the fiancee, but your BIL will always be your BIL and has been in your life for a long time and you need to be there for him now.

People make mistakes, but you need to stop punishing your BIL for it.

@jesu

No, its not about me. But you directly said 'what do you want?', so I've told you.

I am very happy to let them live their life and I'll live mine, but obviously family occasions make this difficult.

I have a large family, and I take them worts and all - but its hard to have that connection with her as these family ties are usually created from shared past, common values, etc and i don't feel i have this common ground with her. She is (in general) quite fake and I have caught her lying on several occasions before this, so we don't have a solid foundation to start rebuilding a relationship on.

This wedding isn’t about you and frankly it’s none of your business. She doesn’t have to ask for your forgiveness or the family’s. Your BiL has forgiven her and wants to marry her. He’s a grown man and can make his own choices.
He clearly doesn’t want his friends to know either so the fact it’s crossed your mind to tell them is fucking shocking! Some people actually like to keep things private. It doesn’t give you a right to blab and open your mouth to whoever you want just because there your friends as well.

The fact you watched the sex video as well and then back tracked and said it was only a few seconds is just grim and breaking the law. It doesn’t matter how long it was for either.

Op just go to family functions and stay out of her way like most people do when they don’t like someone but have to be in the same room as them