AIBU to not forgive SIL affair?

[Ambs81]

This is a complicated one- but I'll try to tell the short version! Any advice, especially from those who've experienced similar would be great.
Last year I found out a work colleague had split from their husband of 10 years after finding out he'd been having a 6 month affair with a younger women, who was known to my work colleague.
Like anyone, my work friend had completely broken down, she'd confronted the girl he was having the affair with -who she knew well and after a few days, rang the fiancee of the girl involved to make sure he also knew what had been going on.
She found out when typically, her idiot now-ex-husband had left his phone with hundreds of photos, video, messages from the other women in an archived chat. Most of it was quite sexual, but they had also told each other they loved each other, and discussed plans to leave their partners (talking solicitors for divorce, living arrrangements).
The plot thickened when a week later, it was mentioned in passing the name of the finance of the girl involved in the affair - it was my brother in laws name (my husband's brother). Its not a very common first name, or surname (now my surname), i was surprised my work friends hadn't already made the connection.
We quickly confirmed it was my BIL financee (they are due to get married this summer), I was shown some of the images / video involved and it was clear she was the guilty party, I also noticed she'd come off social media at this point.
I obviously told my husband, and explained his brother already knew what had gone on - but encouraged him to talk to his brother and support him through the fallout.
His brother was extremely upset we knew, and as his fiancee had managed to convince him the affair was just text messages, not sex, our input confirmed that it was sexual (i watched footage of them having sex!), which obviously caused my BIL more upset.
Long story short, 6 months later and my BIL has decided to stay with the his financee, after 2-3 days living apart, they decided they were both to blame and wanted to stay together.
My BIL suffers from depression, and it seems as though the family feel this caused her to have an affair, as he was distant and not meeting her needs. As someone who has suffered with depression, I feel really shocked that this is being used to justify her betrayal. Also worth noting she was my BIL first relationship/ girlfriend, so he has no other frame of reference.
They've also decided to go ahead with the wedding this year, 10 months after the affair came out. While I think it's far enough to stay together, I think going ahead with the wedding as planned is a joke - especially with it taking place in a catholic church.
While the rest of the family have totally forgiven and forgotten, my husband and I are really struggling to come to terms with it and treat her as family. My husbands family don't want it to be talked about, it is completely swept under the carpet now, but I havent directly spoken to my BIL or his fiancee since this came out (6 months ago).
At the request of my mother in law (who i greatly respect, she has helped me a lot with my DS) I did reach out to the girl involved, suggesting we meet and bury the hatchet. The reply was quite a rude and basically indicated they were angry at us, and that she was willing to accept me as family 'no matter what' (inferring I'd done something wrong??).
Since that exchange of messages there has been no contact, I'm avoiding family situations/ occasions where they'll be and visa versa.
I'm happy to continue with this, but with the wedding approaching i feel it is going to come to a head, as I don't want to attend and don't want my son to attend.
I would go out of respect for my BIL (who was a close childhood friend and how I met my husband), but as he hasn't spoken to me since this happened I feel that I have no relationship with the bride or groom, and it feels bizarre to think of going to their wedding when I'm not on speaking terms with them.
I still feel so angry at her and I feel devasted for my BIL, because he is such a lovely guy and I feel he is being duped. None of his close friends know the truth and I worry the only people he confinded in - his parents- were more worried about maintaining the status quo (as the wedding invites had gone out, they own a house together etc) then his self esteem and self worth.
As the family have moved on so quickly, I feel they think IABU to still hold a grudge and not let it go, I also know it will hurt my MIL and FIL to not have me at the wedding, more then anything because they wouldn't like their friends to think/know they was an issue/dispute in the family.
I know I'm taking the moral highground with nothing to really gain, but just can't move pass the fact that she did this to my BIL and also to my work friend - who has now ended her marriage of 10 years.
It seems wrong that on one side a marriage is over, but on the other its business as usual and the wedding planning is in full swing.
Had her cheating been a one off, or even a two-off thing, I wouldn't feel as strongly but it was such a prolonged affair, with meeting for sex 1-2 times a week in my BIL house, there was also a lot of bad mouthing of my BIL in the messages exchanged, and she was putting a lot of pressure on the man involved to get a solicitor and get a divorce.
I also find it weird that while my work friends marriage was in a bad place - they were having counselling - my BIL was unaware of any problem, and his fiancee seemed fine and very actively planning her wedding.
Another side note is my own brother, having cheated on his fiancee went ahead with his wedding and then split after 6 months - and still can't start divorce proceedings as haven't been married long enough. I wish I'd advised my brother to delay his wedding, but as he was the wrong-doer I guess I encouraged him (or at least didn't discourage hime) to make things right by going through with it (in the end it was his wife's choice to end it). I'm raising this as I have recent experience with how marrying of the back of infidelity is never a good idea!
Sorry for such a long post...I guess my question to you guys is AIBU to not forgive and forget, and AIBU to not attend wedding?

Well don't act strange? Just support your BIL and bury the hatchet like they have. It's only you both that have the issue! You have no idea what it would mean to your BIL if you actually dropped it and offered the olive branch.

Or just not go and forget about having a relationship with your BIL.

Oh and of course your 'public' reason would be a terrible sickness bug that all of you have come down with on the morning of the wedding. Especially if you do feel you can't speak to MIL more directly.

But fuck would that phone be red-hot to BIL's friends, and your old friends, so they knew the score.

And... there is no way you should feel that for the sake of someone's else's feelings about their own shitty affair, you need to lie to your old friends.

I have thought about telling BIL friends, I've know them for over 25 years so feel i know them well enough to know their response.

They are fiercely protective over my BIL as he is such a lovely guy. My ex is also a good friend of my BIL, I feel I could trust him enough to talk to him about it, and gauge whether anyone knows anything.

But equally that could open a can of worms for me!

YANBU. Just because your BIL has forgiven doesn't mean you have to. You're an individual with your own mind and your own feelings. It's nobody else's business to tell you who to forgive and what to do.

Just be aware that if you don't attend that it may be the end of any future relationship with your BIL -- and it may strain things with other members of the family e.g. your MIL.

We had a similar situation but without a wedding involved. BIL and SIL are back together even after DV (SIL being the attacker), affairs, breaking up/getting back together quite a few times. My MIL tried to blackmail us into being nice and involving her in things even when they were split up, as they have a child together. (Don't want to be more specific in case it's outing, and I suspect she's a MNer)

It's your life and your well founded opinion. As long as you're aware and accepting of the potential ramifications of not going... do whatever tf you want.

I think this wedding is absolutely doomed to fail. So if you want to be in your BiLs life and able to support him, then you need to build bridges now. And that means going to the wedding.

I do understand why you feel like you do but it's not up to you Your bil is a grown man and can make whatever decisions he wants to in life. You have no idea what their relationship was like. People stay with serial cheats, have open relationships, swing , forgive cheating , don't forgive cheating it's not up to anyone other than the people involved. They are getting married you can cause a family rift if you want to and avoid family gatherings and effect your relationship with them , miss out on any kind of relationship with their children if they have any or you can put it to one side and accept it and be civil. If it was your boss who had a affair you would still have to speak to them and be civil so I would look at it the same way you don't have to agree with it but just remain civil. Can I ask if part of it may be because you also suffer from depression and you feel they are blaming him and that makes it feel more personal to you ? As if your husband did the same that family may blame you ? Does the partner know you watched her have sex ? as much as she was wrong I think if you told them this then no wonder she is very angry about it it was obviously not meant to be shared with other people and I believe it's illegal for your work friend to share it.

I have thought about telling BIL friends, I've know them for over 25 years so feel i know them well enough to know their response

Look , if your BIL wanted all these people to know he would have said. He's decided, it is no business of theirs. You said it yourself, he was extremely upset that YOU knew!

All this telling people shit is going to ruin your BILs day. It'd actually say a lot about you. If you cared about him so much, why would you!!!

oh my god do not tell your bil friends I can't believe you would do that if he doesn't want them to know! how would you feel if people told your private information behind your back to people you didn't want to know ?

Thanks @noctu

That sounds very similar - I also feeling quite coaxed and blackmailed into 'getting on board'.

I also hate how my DS is being used as a pawn - my BIL can see him anytime and is always welcome here, but makes no effort to - but yet my MIL makes out that I am not giving them 'visitation' rights.

Why on God’s earth did you watch a video of them having sex? WTAF? confused

This is what struck me too. No matter how awful the people were - and they were horrible - you watched a video taken from someone else's phone that showed him and a third party having sex. That is an absolutely awful breach of boundaries etc - surely this is illegal in fact? Not sure if it made it worse or better that you actually knew one of the people involved. It is deeply creepy in lots of ways.

Don't go to the wedding - make some excuse if you find it will make life easier for you with MIL etc.

I think you need to talk to someone about how absolutely overinvested you are in the lives of these two adults. And honestly, I think you need to acknowledge that you did a wrong thing when you watched that video.

I have thought about telling BIL friends, I've know them for over 25 years so feel i know them well enough to know their response.

They are fiercely protective over my BIL as he is such a lovely guy. My ex is also a good friend of my BIL, I feel I could trust him enough to talk to him about it, and gauge whether anyone knows anything.

But equally that could open a can of worms for me!

Absolutely do not do this.

You and your DH told his brother the extent of the affair and he's decided to forgive and marry her so that's where your input ends.

Also how would your DH feel about you talking to your ex about his brother?!

You need to back off, butt out, let them see if they can make a go of it. You're going to ruin your own relationship with your parents in law if you continue meddling.

I don't think you should go to the wedding if you can't at least act happy for them.

Don't tattle, it isn't your place.

I'd try and build bridges with BIL - when this goes to hell he needs someone to turn to - he needs his brother and you to have his back not worry you'll have I told you so faces.

I also think if the child is yours and your partners then it needs to be a joint decision to stop him going (unless he's breastfed) and I'd let DH take him if he wanted to.

I really think that if you BIL has forgiven her - ie the ACTUAL wronged party not onlookers- then you need to as well. You might well judge her behaviour but it isn't really your place to sit in judgement. The right thing to do in my opinion would be to support your BIL with your whole heart and that means making his wedding day one that is surrounded by love, joy and unconditional support. If they split later then you can know that you 'called it' but right now the only people hurting about your feeling towards future SIL are you and BIL by the sound of it. Don't cry off the wedding FFS. That would be beyond hurtful and very hard to come back from.

I can totally see why you are angry, as it's not your bil that's been hurt, but your friend also.

I didn't go to my Dad's wedding when he married his OW, due to the hurt they'd caused my Mum. I couldn't in all conscience go and wish them happy; neither was I willing to play happy families and listen to the lies, and keep my mouth shut, so i didn'y go. Various people weren't happy, but even at 25, I didn't give a fuck. I still don't, and I'm 52 now.

Make the decision you can live with.

I have thought about telling BIL friends, I've know them for over 25 years so feel i know them well enough to know their response.

Don't tell anyone - hasn't their privacy been breached enough?? Tell his mates? that would be a dick move.

@sleephead1 I agree a lot of this is probably about me, in a way
Yes, in terms of depression - but also (slight tangent) but I grew up in a home with pretty extreme domestic violence, it was something known by extended family but 'swept under the rug' - because of this my siblings and I are very overt with everything, everything is on the table.
I really struggle to cope with situations where there are secrets or fence sitting.

It shocks me that she hasn't apologised to the wider family and outwardly admitted she has done something awful.

It isnt your relationship, and really isn’t your place to be offering forgiveness.
If your BIL has forgiven and has decided this is what HE wants, then I feel you and DH need to respect his decision, attend the wedding and show some family unity.
If you and DS suddenly ‘have a sickness bug’ and don’t turn up - tongues will wag, causing upset -which frankly your BIL can do without.
Noone’s asking you to condone what’s happened - but for goodness sake - just accept it’s his decision and try, at least, to look like you’re enjoying the wedding

And yes the sharing of the sex video was illegal. I understand your friend has been deeply hurt but sharing that footage amongst you at work is shocking.

I suspect you'll never really have a relationship with your future SIL because of that even if you wanted to build bridges.

Your in laws likely think it weird behaviour from you too.

Oh - and for you to even think of disclosing all this to BIL’s close friends is seriously out of order (IMO) - keep your nose out and respect his decision

It shocks me that she hasn't apologised to the wider family and outwardly admitted she has done something awful

This isn't the 1600's - people make mistakes. Do you want her to paint a scarlet letter on her wedding dress?

It's PRIVATE. It's between them. Other people's marriages generally are. I suspect you are over invested because you really care for your BIL but it's not your business.

You sound very fond of you BILtb so the question I would ask is, what would he prefer you to do? Attend and go through the motions for his sake or stay away?

You went to your brother's wedding and he was the 'guilty party'.

I think you should support your BIL in the same way as he's done nothing wrong.

I'd understand if you're doing it through gritted teeth however!

I agree a lot of this is probably about me, in a way

Yes, it is.

If it were a case of shrug and live and let live then fine.

But:

you have been put under pressure by what is now your extended family not only to go against your own wishes in dealing with the situation, but also to have your son go somewhere you don't want him to with people who you frankly don't like

you are the one who bitch SIL to be has effectively stuck two fingers up at with her rude message - you're entitled to respond to that lovely sentiment any way you want

you have known these friends 25 years? They're not just BIL's friends - they're yours too.

It's not only fine for you to decide what you can live with and stick up for yourself and stick to it. I'ts actually probably essential for the future with this absolute cow in the family.

Tell your MIL about her response. Tell her that no, you don't really want your DS around them, if BIL wants to come over then fine but he's not bothering and you'll assume from SIl's rude message that she wants nothing to do with you. So fuck the wedding.

Tbh it’s nothing to do with you. You do not know what the state of their relationship was or how your BIL was treating this girl. Only they know that and they have decided to move forward. As a relative it’s your job to support not to judge. I think you’re over invested and sound a tad disappointed their relationship has withstood the test.