AIBU to not forgive SIL affair?

[Ambs81]

This is a complicated one- but I'll try to tell the short version! Any advice, especially from those who've experienced similar would be great.
Last year I found out a work colleague had split from their husband of 10 years after finding out he'd been having a 6 month affair with a younger women, who was known to my work colleague.
Like anyone, my work friend had completely broken down, she'd confronted the girl he was having the affair with -who she knew well and after a few days, rang the fiancee of the girl involved to make sure he also knew what had been going on.
She found out when typically, her idiot now-ex-husband had left his phone with hundreds of photos, video, messages from the other women in an archived chat. Most of it was quite sexual, but they had also told each other they loved each other, and discussed plans to leave their partners (talking solicitors for divorce, living arrrangements).
The plot thickened when a week later, it was mentioned in passing the name of the finance of the girl involved in the affair - it was my brother in laws name (my husband's brother). Its not a very common first name, or surname (now my surname), i was surprised my work friends hadn't already made the connection.
We quickly confirmed it was my BIL financee (they are due to get married this summer), I was shown some of the images / video involved and it was clear she was the guilty party, I also noticed she'd come off social media at this point.
I obviously told my husband, and explained his brother already knew what had gone on - but encouraged him to talk to his brother and support him through the fallout.
His brother was extremely upset we knew, and as his fiancee had managed to convince him the affair was just text messages, not sex, our input confirmed that it was sexual (i watched footage of them having sex!), which obviously caused my BIL more upset.
Long story short, 6 months later and my BIL has decided to stay with the his financee, after 2-3 days living apart, they decided they were both to blame and wanted to stay together.
My BIL suffers from depression, and it seems as though the family feel this caused her to have an affair, as he was distant and not meeting her needs. As someone who has suffered with depression, I feel really shocked that this is being used to justify her betrayal. Also worth noting she was my BIL first relationship/ girlfriend, so he has no other frame of reference.
They've also decided to go ahead with the wedding this year, 10 months after the affair came out. While I think it's far enough to stay together, I think going ahead with the wedding as planned is a joke - especially with it taking place in a catholic church.
While the rest of the family have totally forgiven and forgotten, my husband and I are really struggling to come to terms with it and treat her as family. My husbands family don't want it to be talked about, it is completely swept under the carpet now, but I havent directly spoken to my BIL or his fiancee since this came out (6 months ago).
At the request of my mother in law (who i greatly respect, she has helped me a lot with my DS) I did reach out to the girl involved, suggesting we meet and bury the hatchet. The reply was quite a rude and basically indicated they were angry at us, and that she was willing to accept me as family 'no matter what' (inferring I'd done something wrong??).
Since that exchange of messages there has been no contact, I'm avoiding family situations/ occasions where they'll be and visa versa.
I'm happy to continue with this, but with the wedding approaching i feel it is going to come to a head, as I don't want to attend and don't want my son to attend.
I would go out of respect for my BIL (who was a close childhood friend and how I met my husband), but as he hasn't spoken to me since this happened I feel that I have no relationship with the bride or groom, and it feels bizarre to think of going to their wedding when I'm not on speaking terms with them.
I still feel so angry at her and I feel devasted for my BIL, because he is such a lovely guy and I feel he is being duped. None of his close friends know the truth and I worry the only people he confinded in - his parents- were more worried about maintaining the status quo (as the wedding invites had gone out, they own a house together etc) then his self esteem and self worth.
As the family have moved on so quickly, I feel they think IABU to still hold a grudge and not let it go, I also know it will hurt my MIL and FIL to not have me at the wedding, more then anything because they wouldn't like their friends to think/know they was an issue/dispute in the family.
I know I'm taking the moral highground with nothing to really gain, but just can't move pass the fact that she did this to my BIL and also to my work friend - who has now ended her marriage of 10 years.
It seems wrong that on one side a marriage is over, but on the other its business as usual and the wedding planning is in full swing.
Had her cheating been a one off, or even a two-off thing, I wouldn't feel as strongly but it was such a prolonged affair, with meeting for sex 1-2 times a week in my BIL house, there was also a lot of bad mouthing of my BIL in the messages exchanged, and she was putting a lot of pressure on the man involved to get a solicitor and get a divorce.
I also find it weird that while my work friends marriage was in a bad place - they were having counselling - my BIL was unaware of any problem, and his fiancee seemed fine and very actively planning her wedding.
Another side note is my own brother, having cheated on his fiancee went ahead with his wedding and then split after 6 months - and still can't start divorce proceedings as haven't been married long enough. I wish I'd advised my brother to delay his wedding, but as he was the wrong-doer I guess I encouraged him (or at least didn't discourage hime) to make things right by going through with it (in the end it was his wife's choice to end it). I'm raising this as I have recent experience with how marrying of the back of infidelity is never a good idea!
Sorry for such a long post...I guess my question to you guys is AIBU to not forgive and forget, and AIBU to not attend wedding?

What’s the problem with it being a Catholic Church wedding? Christians are taught that they are all sinful and that forgiveness is a virtue.

Let them get on to lead their lives. You can’t control them so no point over investing yourself.

the BIL hasn't spoken to them since his cheating shitbag of a fake fiancee told OP where to get off. They have no relationship. One of the reasons that OP feels genuinely weird about going!

Yes, but the relationship with BIL may not be irretrievable. I'd arrange to meet BIL sooner rather than later and explain that whatever else has happened I respect his right to make his own choices and support him in whatever he decided. Resisting the urge to say "but I don't agree with your choice / she'll do it again" would be hard but, IME, necessary if you want to repair the relationship.

I think a PP makes a great point. If they spilt now, does she just get out what she put in?

Or after marriage will she get a lot more?

That is probably her motivation. Poor woman, marrying someone she doesn’t love.
They will spilt, so it’s just a question of the money and how you want to be perceived when they divorce.

I wouldn't go. I wouldn't make an issue of it. Say you have scheduled heart surgery. It's a good way to get out of weddings.

An affair where she have sex in her marital home 2 x a week is just brushed under the carpet? This is madness. Is BIL a sap.... he gave in after 3 days- struggles with break ups have to be outridden, I find it all a bit pathetic. He clearly doesn't value himself very highly.....

gemini, I'm pretty sure revenge porn is illegal.

You have no right to tell BiL friends.
She has no need to apologise to extended family
You are way over invested in this

@lhastingsmua - please read my thread above re'sex vid, as I said please don't think i sat and 'watched' the video(s).

The reason these were shown to me is, when my DH reached out to his brother, he response was 'it was a few silly messages, they've never even been in the same room'

I then told my friend she should talk to her (now ex) DH, said it sounds like it was just messages, by this stage he'd admitted it and i was shown probably 0.5sec of one of the offending videos as my friend felt she needed to prove she was telling the truth.

Also, I don't think its fair (or nice) to assume this is my whole life. I am a very busy mum, working full time, etc - and have a big family myself (who are usually the ones causing drama, my DHs family are pretty reserved!)

I wrote this thread because I can't, and try not to, externalise by talking to family members as don't want my family to know too much (as they all know my BIL - my sister actually works with the girl in question) and obviously his family don't want to talk about it.

I am slowly feeling less bothered by it, but the wedding is close now and its on my mind.

gemini, I'm pretty sure revenge porn is illegal

which everyone knows which is why my comment was said in jest

This isn't your remit. It's not up to you to forgive (she doesn't much sound like she wants it anyway). And its definitely not up to you to spread the word.

Take a big step back. Let your BIL make his own mistakes. Be, as described above, appropriately pleasant about the wedding. You are never going to be friends but you don't need to be.

Please don’t listen to Gemini....what a truly revolting post

get a grip it was said in JEST

I agree with you OP.

6 months ago she was talking about dumping him and going off with OM.

She was then very condescending in her response to you trying to sort things out.

Also you have no relationship with either bride or groom since this happened.

She may not have been the married party but she still showed a complete lack of giving a crap about marriage.

Don't go.

You have done nothing wrong and don't have to.

Whatever you choose to do, your ultimate goal should be to protect your relationship with BIL, he is going to need your support when his marriage goes tits up...and it will.

this behaviour alone would have me onto Photobox and creating a wonderful book of images and texts for her Wedding Day

THIS IS MY OWN COMMENT AND SAID IN JEST BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS IT IS ILLEGAL WHICH IS WHY HERE IS A GRIN AT THE END OF IT.. IT WAS A JOKE PEOPLE !!!!!

THIS IS MY OWN COMMENT AND SAID IN JEST BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS IT IS ILLEGAL WHICH IS WHY HERE IS A GRIN AT THE END OF IT.. IT WAS A JOKE PEOPLE !!!!!

THIS IS MY OWN COMMENT AND SAID IN JEST BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS IT IS ILLEGAL WHICH IS WHY HERE IS A GRIN AT THE END OF IT.. IT WAS A JOKE PEOPLE !!!!!

I've repeated incase some of you MISSED it...

And yes the sharing of the sex video was illegal. I understand your friend has been deeply hurt but sharing that footage amongst you at work is shocking

Omg. Sharing that video is horrendous.
Unbelievable I'm currently supporting a person who had a video of someone ( known to them) having sex. The police have got the phone involved and an investigation Is on going and theimplications for all involved are far reaching.
The sex of them on video being shared should have been reported.

Op

You need to go to that wedding. You are causing a massive rift within the family. That woman does not owe you an apology for having an affair.

You are hurting others with your actions. Do you fall out with everyone who has or has had an affair?

Encourage your hubby to build relations with his brother

If you tryout cared for him as you say you do then you would not be acting this way towards him

His wife comes before you and you need to understand that. And this is why he ain’t coming over to yours.

Accept what happened.

Don’t go to war with the in laws it never ends well. It will cause untold stress and create a terrible strain in your marriage.

Posters on here encouraging you to stand your ground won’t be living with the consequences

Completely your choice whether you go or not but if you don't go then you risk alienating your BIL further. That man needs all the support he can get right now, and may well need more in the future if the marriage doesn't last. Don't punish him by not going to the wedding.

Also, it's not really your business now, is it? They've made their decision to stay together. That must have been a painful and difficult decision. I'm sure he still feels doubts, although probably privately. Having made that decision he has every right to hope and expect that is family and close friends then rally round and support them as a couple, rather than causing further pain to him/them by still having to have a pop at them nearly a year later.

So, I think you need to patch up your relationship with him, and with your SIL too. And that means going to their wedding with a smile plastered to your face, wishing them both well, and trying your hardest to remember that this is the way they wish to move forward now.

If your life is truly as busy and fulfilling as you say, this situation shouldn’t be taking up so much of your headspace

OP, your actions in watching the video, and in being considerably far too emotionally invested in the situation, are actually probably making things worse for your BIL now. Why do you think he hasn't spoken to you since? He is not helped by your extreme judgementalism, and your sense that his fiancée has somehow damaged the entire family, rather than just your BIL. And he is probably humiliated and horrified you have seen graphic sexual images and video!

In fact, for all your talk of your anxiety, it's your (possibly unconscious) arrogance that comes across in your posts. Your imprimatur isn't important in the scheme of things, but you are overstepping the mark in refusing to follow your BIL's lead in moving on. Whatever you think.

YANBU

I wouldn't attend the wedding. SIL's arrogance and condescending attitude is more than enough on its own, let alone the sexual affair aspect as well.

If your life is as busy as you say then you really shouldn't be giving it any headspace
Your BIL has forgiven her.
She doesn't need your forgiveness she doesn't need to apologise to you or the wider family
You don't know all the ins and outs of their relationship and you would have no right to tell his friends
And as for watching the video of them having sex that's just bloody awful

@MissBartlettsconscience

My SIL had an affair. We made it clear we would support my brother in whatever decision he made. As that decision was to forgive her, we did as well.

It doesn't mean your BIL can't make a different decision at a later date, but it is his decision and it is not up to you to police his relationship.

^^ this 100%

On the contrary Mellie, I didn't go to a wedding when the 'happy couple' had broken up each others long standing marriages and families. I got fall out for a while, but as I said earlier, I didn't give a fuck in the 90s when it was all going on, and I give even less now.

I couldn't go and be happy about the wedding, as I wasn't, and would probably have said something to that effect, if my face hadn't given it away, so I didn't go.

I think I understand your feelings. I would be really worried that she may be gaslighting him and if he has depression may not be at the best point in his life to deal with what happened and seems to be being encouraged by others to move on. Failed marriage can be very difficult for catholic people. It's not as simple as splitting up and moving on for many. Maybe you could go and confide in the priest about your concerns. They will be in a position to help your bil come to a decision that's right for him and putting them in a position where they have a good understanding of the background would be a kind thing to do, as he may have minimised everything. Then you will know you have helped in a constructive and very discreet way and whatever happens then you can respect his decision and be supportive.

scary, that's quite a different situation to the OP's tho, where one party had an affair. the other has decided to forgive and the OP's relationship is with the injured party.

OP does your DH actually want to go to the wedding?

Because the quickest way to achieve some sort of neutral middle ground which wouldn't mean you feeling as if you've been made to throw your own feelings out of the window would be for you all to be terribly ill on the day and not go.

The people who have, in various ways, been pressurising you and your DH to take a position you're not happy with would know why you weren't there.

Everyone else would be in the dark.

You wouldn't have to go and put either yourself or your son in that position.

HOWEVER- if you were to not go and he did, that would be a bit different. Paving the way for you to get the blame for making things difficult. I think you'd need to have a united front tbh.