AIBU to not forgive SIL affair?

[Ambs81]

This is a complicated one- but I'll try to tell the short version! Any advice, especially from those who've experienced similar would be great.
Last year I found out a work colleague had split from their husband of 10 years after finding out he'd been having a 6 month affair with a younger women, who was known to my work colleague.
Like anyone, my work friend had completely broken down, she'd confronted the girl he was having the affair with -who she knew well and after a few days, rang the fiancee of the girl involved to make sure he also knew what had been going on.
She found out when typically, her idiot now-ex-husband had left his phone with hundreds of photos, video, messages from the other women in an archived chat. Most of it was quite sexual, but they had also told each other they loved each other, and discussed plans to leave their partners (talking solicitors for divorce, living arrrangements).
The plot thickened when a week later, it was mentioned in passing the name of the finance of the girl involved in the affair - it was my brother in laws name (my husband's brother). Its not a very common first name, or surname (now my surname), i was surprised my work friends hadn't already made the connection.
We quickly confirmed it was my BIL financee (they are due to get married this summer), I was shown some of the images / video involved and it was clear she was the guilty party, I also noticed she'd come off social media at this point.
I obviously told my husband, and explained his brother already knew what had gone on - but encouraged him to talk to his brother and support him through the fallout.
His brother was extremely upset we knew, and as his fiancee had managed to convince him the affair was just text messages, not sex, our input confirmed that it was sexual (i watched footage of them having sex!), which obviously caused my BIL more upset.
Long story short, 6 months later and my BIL has decided to stay with the his financee, after 2-3 days living apart, they decided they were both to blame and wanted to stay together.
My BIL suffers from depression, and it seems as though the family feel this caused her to have an affair, as he was distant and not meeting her needs. As someone who has suffered with depression, I feel really shocked that this is being used to justify her betrayal. Also worth noting she was my BIL first relationship/ girlfriend, so he has no other frame of reference.
They've also decided to go ahead with the wedding this year, 10 months after the affair came out. While I think it's far enough to stay together, I think going ahead with the wedding as planned is a joke - especially with it taking place in a catholic church.
While the rest of the family have totally forgiven and forgotten, my husband and I are really struggling to come to terms with it and treat her as family. My husbands family don't want it to be talked about, it is completely swept under the carpet now, but I havent directly spoken to my BIL or his fiancee since this came out (6 months ago).
At the request of my mother in law (who i greatly respect, she has helped me a lot with my DS) I did reach out to the girl involved, suggesting we meet and bury the hatchet. The reply was quite a rude and basically indicated they were angry at us, and that she was willing to accept me as family 'no matter what' (inferring I'd done something wrong??).
Since that exchange of messages there has been no contact, I'm avoiding family situations/ occasions where they'll be and visa versa.
I'm happy to continue with this, but with the wedding approaching i feel it is going to come to a head, as I don't want to attend and don't want my son to attend.
I would go out of respect for my BIL (who was a close childhood friend and how I met my husband), but as he hasn't spoken to me since this happened I feel that I have no relationship with the bride or groom, and it feels bizarre to think of going to their wedding when I'm not on speaking terms with them.
I still feel so angry at her and I feel devasted for my BIL, because he is such a lovely guy and I feel he is being duped. None of his close friends know the truth and I worry the only people he confinded in - his parents- were more worried about maintaining the status quo (as the wedding invites had gone out, they own a house together etc) then his self esteem and self worth.
As the family have moved on so quickly, I feel they think IABU to still hold a grudge and not let it go, I also know it will hurt my MIL and FIL to not have me at the wedding, more then anything because they wouldn't like their friends to think/know they was an issue/dispute in the family.
I know I'm taking the moral highground with nothing to really gain, but just can't move pass the fact that she did this to my BIL and also to my work friend - who has now ended her marriage of 10 years.
It seems wrong that on one side a marriage is over, but on the other its business as usual and the wedding planning is in full swing.
Had her cheating been a one off, or even a two-off thing, I wouldn't feel as strongly but it was such a prolonged affair, with meeting for sex 1-2 times a week in my BIL house, there was also a lot of bad mouthing of my BIL in the messages exchanged, and she was putting a lot of pressure on the man involved to get a solicitor and get a divorce.
I also find it weird that while my work friends marriage was in a bad place - they were having counselling - my BIL was unaware of any problem, and his fiancee seemed fine and very actively planning her wedding.
Another side note is my own brother, having cheated on his fiancee went ahead with his wedding and then split after 6 months - and still can't start divorce proceedings as haven't been married long enough. I wish I'd advised my brother to delay his wedding, but as he was the wrong-doer I guess I encouraged him (or at least didn't discourage hime) to make things right by going through with it (in the end it was his wife's choice to end it). I'm raising this as I have recent experience with how marrying of the back of infidelity is never a good idea!
Sorry for such a long post...I guess my question to you guys is AIBU to not forgive and forget, and AIBU to not attend wedding?

SIL hasn't done anything YOU need to forgive her for. BIL has forgiven her - or at least says he has. You can choose to make this a huge drama in which you push BIL away even further and then when the shit hits the fan he has no one, or you can just shut up, suck it up, and go to their wedding.

You can tell yourself you're sticking your nose in out of concern for BIL, his friends, the family, etc, but actually what you are doing is meddling in other people's lives. Back off.

What they do about their relationship and wedding isn't your business.

Your DH needs to be the one to repair the relationship with his brother, not you and the fiancee.

Go to the wedding and be civil. Your DS likely will just see it as a slightly confusing party, and be unaware of any 'charade'.

And I forgot to say you would do well to remember that you never, ever see the full story of anything, whatever hideous and probably illegal sex videos are being bandied about.

@CornishMaid1 - thank you for your perspective, especially given your personal experience.

If you read back the thread, I havent told anyone apart from my husband (knowing that BIL already knew), so please don't infer I am gossiping about.

The thought of telling his Best man (who i know very well) has crossed my mind, although it would be more to figure out whether he knew, but based on your comments (and others) I won't do this!

Personally I wouldn't go to the wedding, because to me it would feel fake and a lie. And I'm not a liar. It's that black and white to me.
Added that the woman doesn't like you, won't talk to you etc... I definitely wouldn't be going. But, if you do decide not to go, do it in the knowledge that you'll never be able to take that back. If in 20 years time they're still together, they have children together and you're not in any photos with your DS (I assume your DH will go), the consequence of that is permanent.

Personally I wouldn't go to the wedding, because to me it would feel fake and a lie. And I'm not a liar. It's that black and white to me.
Added that the woman doesn't like you, won't talk to you etc... I definitely wouldn't be going. But, if you do decide not to go, do it in the knowledge that you'll never be able to take that back. If in 20 years time they're still together, they have children together and you're not in any photos with your DS (I assume your DH will go), the consequence of that is permanent.

You do seem a bit over invested in this. Does your husband want to go to the wedding, it is after all, his brother not yours.

@SemperIdem - I know I am over invested in it, its actually worried me how upset its made me! As the months go on, I'm less and less bothered by it. And I can see BIL start to me far more receptive to my DH so they are rebuilding things which is great.

My husband will go even though doesn't agree with it, I think he's 100% right to go and shouldn't miss.

I felt a bit of sympathy for you at the start OP but not now. You're making this ENTIRELY about you and how you feel. This is actually none of your business, it's your BIL's decision and up to him how he responds. He has. Loud and clear.

If you care for him as you keep saying you do then start supporting him. I think you shouldn't go to the wedding because your pursed lips and obvious judgement has no place there.

ambs81 your ok to feel like you do.anf they are also ok to feel like they do if they actually want to move on.but you not being able to fathom doing that doesn't make you UR it means we all take things differently and do things very differently.espcially around relationships/
its also difficult to see things when its happening to your than when you seeing it playing out from the outside like you are.so whilst you might see where this could be going or how you feel bil is being treated badly.all he might feel is the love and the need to mak things work.and possibly sheer determination to do so makes him blinkered.he might too be suffering with his depression which just makes him need anyone to love.or be loved.
non of these things are going to not happen by you being told yo uwrong.because your not your just seeing things from yor point of view and from loving your bil and caring for how hes treated.and that lovely.also having seen what its done to others you love its like a second arrow to your heart im sure.
so moving forward.you need to think how you can cope or keep things sensitive and ok for all
I think you should just separately start a you said reaching out to BIL because whatever happens he will miss his mate im sure.you were friends way before all this and before even your dp ithink you said.so that is something you should get back.he hasn't done anything wrong here yet hes lost you.so go drop all judgements and opinions and feeling and just go roun there and say here I am we need our friendship back because I love and miss yooooo. and if it does go badly.hell need his friend even more then. he will need someone to talk to.he will need you either way.
rightly or wrongly this is the path he has chosen.to you can only support his or lose him im afraid.it doesn't mean you have to agree but you have to forgive it all so you can be part of his life again.then take what comes as it comes.
you don't need to like her.there are many a pleasant relationship had between families that don't like every person.but you do like your bil and that make so much more possible than you think.
you don't need to take any crap but you do need to figure out how to let it go enough to be there for him.
treat it as a party whre you the newbie so just a little nervous and need to find your feet with the guests.
wherever this goes you still have a place with bil
also talk to your dp.what does he want to do.you two need to be united that is the most important thing here.invite them round for a meal.just be there as a unit again

Not RTFT
I think the injured party here is your BIL. I don't think you distancing your family from him doesn't help him. I think you think she should be grovelling for an apology from you, I don't think she should, she betrayed him, not you. But it has put you in a difficult position.

I think going ahead with the wedding as planned is a joke - especially with it taking place in a catholic church. I think you have gone too far. If he has forgiven her and they are going to make a go of it, its not a "joke".

Whatever you think he has decided to marry your SIL. He might be making a bad decision (obviously you feel he very much is). However it is 10 months now and he is going to make this decision. If he asks you, you can tell him he should postpone. Rest of family haven't forgotten but they have decided to keep good relationships with them. It is 10 months for you too, so I think you should get over this, you should bite your tongue, attend wedding, not tell anyone AT ALL EVER about this private matter and really wish them well, hope it works out for them.

If you don’t let this go now are you still going to be sat on your high horse in ten years time avoiding events etc

Please think about the long term ramifications

I don’t think you are

The poster who didn’t regret going to her dads wedding when he married the OW is on totally different territory so ignore that.

be there for your dp then hun.make yourself his team mate in this.becasue he will find it hard.this will also mean you get to be there for bil again.you wre good friends once yes?
go out for drinks.picnic.cinema etc.just make things normal again.if things go tits up then they will anyway.but knowing each of you has support will stand you in better sted to deal with it.

I have learned a lot from my husbands family. They never judge, never mention each others screw up and are forgiving. (They forgave and never mentioned my little ‘break-down’ 20 yrs ago). They are also generous and kind. On the other hand, my family, especially mother, her sister and my sister, are looking for any reason to judge, hate, be jealous. They are extremely hateful. and bitter. The comparison between the two families is stark.

There’s a funeral coming up for one of my in-laws who screwed up very badly in her life and damaged her children in the process. (She had countless affairs and run off twice). They stood by her and now all her children, grandchild, great-grandchildren are coming from all over the U.S. for her send off and it will be a big fun family get together. No one holds a grudge in their family. On the other hand, my family members don’t even have send off’s after their dead, because no one would show up.

Knowing what I’ve seen in my 65 yrs of how families respond to fuck-ups, I believe it is better to have the attitude my in-laws do. Nobody is perfect and so what if some people just fuck-up their way through life.

If you can't control yourself at the wedding then don't go. But that is a reflection on your lack of self restraint not on your superior moral standing.
Your DBIL and DSIL have made their decision. You have no right to be so judgemental about it regardless of your DB's marriage and your assumptions about DBIL and DSIL's relationship.
You need to take a step back; support your DH and stop moralising. If you can't, then limit the time you spend with them and stop discussing it.
There is something incredibly selfish about making someone else's relationship crisis all about you.

@Rideon
I do think its a joke to have a catholic wedding, on the back of an affair - involving a married man. I don't think the girl in question values marriage as she should, as she was happy to have a prolonged affair with a married man.
Catholics consider marriage a 'sacrament', something you have to do in order to get into heaven, they also consider sex before marriage wrong, and of course infidelity wrong.

I really feel for you. If you weren't long standing friends with your brother in law, all your mutual friends and the woman who was cheated on, I think this would be much easier to deal with. As it is, of course you feel invested! You want to support BiL. That said, I think the best way to do that is to stay in his life, and that involves going to the wedding - if you're angry on his behalf, I wouldn't risk non attendance being read as you shutting him out.

You don't need to be married to get into heaven Catholicism is also big on forgiveness and 'not judging others'. Maybe your ILs are better at those parts of the faith.

I do think its a joke to have a catholic wedding, on the back of an affair - involving a married man

But it isn't you getting married! You're still making this about you?!

Honestly OP, from friends, to best man... a previous poster is right - you are totally a gossip! This is all shit stirring in my book.

I don't think you are a gossip or anything like that and I may have worded it a bit strongly.

It is only that you mentioned telling friends to explain why you may not go to the wedding or why you are off. If BIL then found out that you told he will not forgive you or at least not for a very long time.

He had chosen to forgive but will be really raw and hurt so if he finds out you have told he may lash out at you and 'shoot the messenger' which I don't think you are intending.

He is likely very embarrassed and writing about standing in front of his family knowing they know without adding anyone else.

Sorry to be clear - I don't believe those things, that is what the catholic faith dictates - at least on paper!

I just get the feeling they are having catholic wedding because they like the look of the church!

Might be more fitting to have civil ceremony and write their own vows, especially given whats happened.