AIBU to not forgive SIL affair?

[Ambs81]

This is a complicated one- but I'll try to tell the short version! Any advice, especially from those who've experienced similar would be great.
Last year I found out a work colleague had split from their husband of 10 years after finding out he'd been having a 6 month affair with a younger women, who was known to my work colleague.
Like anyone, my work friend had completely broken down, she'd confronted the girl he was having the affair with -who she knew well and after a few days, rang the fiancee of the girl involved to make sure he also knew what had been going on.
She found out when typically, her idiot now-ex-husband had left his phone with hundreds of photos, video, messages from the other women in an archived chat. Most of it was quite sexual, but they had also told each other they loved each other, and discussed plans to leave their partners (talking solicitors for divorce, living arrrangements).
The plot thickened when a week later, it was mentioned in passing the name of the finance of the girl involved in the affair - it was my brother in laws name (my husband's brother). Its not a very common first name, or surname (now my surname), i was surprised my work friends hadn't already made the connection.
We quickly confirmed it was my BIL financee (they are due to get married this summer), I was shown some of the images / video involved and it was clear she was the guilty party, I also noticed she'd come off social media at this point.
I obviously told my husband, and explained his brother already knew what had gone on - but encouraged him to talk to his brother and support him through the fallout.
His brother was extremely upset we knew, and as his fiancee had managed to convince him the affair was just text messages, not sex, our input confirmed that it was sexual (i watched footage of them having sex!), which obviously caused my BIL more upset.
Long story short, 6 months later and my BIL has decided to stay with the his financee, after 2-3 days living apart, they decided they were both to blame and wanted to stay together.
My BIL suffers from depression, and it seems as though the family feel this caused her to have an affair, as he was distant and not meeting her needs. As someone who has suffered with depression, I feel really shocked that this is being used to justify her betrayal. Also worth noting she was my BIL first relationship/ girlfriend, so he has no other frame of reference.
They've also decided to go ahead with the wedding this year, 10 months after the affair came out. While I think it's far enough to stay together, I think going ahead with the wedding as planned is a joke - especially with it taking place in a catholic church.
While the rest of the family have totally forgiven and forgotten, my husband and I are really struggling to come to terms with it and treat her as family. My husbands family don't want it to be talked about, it is completely swept under the carpet now, but I havent directly spoken to my BIL or his fiancee since this came out (6 months ago).
At the request of my mother in law (who i greatly respect, she has helped me a lot with my DS) I did reach out to the girl involved, suggesting we meet and bury the hatchet. The reply was quite a rude and basically indicated they were angry at us, and that she was willing to accept me as family 'no matter what' (inferring I'd done something wrong??).
Since that exchange of messages there has been no contact, I'm avoiding family situations/ occasions where they'll be and visa versa.
I'm happy to continue with this, but with the wedding approaching i feel it is going to come to a head, as I don't want to attend and don't want my son to attend.
I would go out of respect for my BIL (who was a close childhood friend and how I met my husband), but as he hasn't spoken to me since this happened I feel that I have no relationship with the bride or groom, and it feels bizarre to think of going to their wedding when I'm not on speaking terms with them.
I still feel so angry at her and I feel devasted for my BIL, because he is such a lovely guy and I feel he is being duped. None of his close friends know the truth and I worry the only people he confinded in - his parents- were more worried about maintaining the status quo (as the wedding invites had gone out, they own a house together etc) then his self esteem and self worth.
As the family have moved on so quickly, I feel they think IABU to still hold a grudge and not let it go, I also know it will hurt my MIL and FIL to not have me at the wedding, more then anything because they wouldn't like their friends to think/know they was an issue/dispute in the family.
I know I'm taking the moral highground with nothing to really gain, but just can't move pass the fact that she did this to my BIL and also to my work friend - who has now ended her marriage of 10 years.
It seems wrong that on one side a marriage is over, but on the other its business as usual and the wedding planning is in full swing.
Had her cheating been a one off, or even a two-off thing, I wouldn't feel as strongly but it was such a prolonged affair, with meeting for sex 1-2 times a week in my BIL house, there was also a lot of bad mouthing of my BIL in the messages exchanged, and she was putting a lot of pressure on the man involved to get a solicitor and get a divorce.
I also find it weird that while my work friends marriage was in a bad place - they were having counselling - my BIL was unaware of any problem, and his fiancee seemed fine and very actively planning her wedding.
Another side note is my own brother, having cheated on his fiancee went ahead with his wedding and then split after 6 months - and still can't start divorce proceedings as haven't been married long enough. I wish I'd advised my brother to delay his wedding, but as he was the wrong-doer I guess I encouraged him (or at least didn't discourage hime) to make things right by going through with it (in the end it was his wife's choice to end it). I'm raising this as I have recent experience with how marrying of the back of infidelity is never a good idea!
Sorry for such a long post...I guess my question to you guys is AIBU to not forgive and forget, and AIBU to not attend wedding?

I really struggle to cope with situations where there are secrets or fence sitting.

I think this is your issue tbh and it is making you unable to get over something that really isn't your business.

As it stands, there are no secrets. Your BIL knows everything. Not having secrets doesn't mean that everyone in the world needs to know every sordid detail - just the people who matter.

Does your SIL know you watched a video of her having sex? Does your BIL know this? If I were them, I'd find it very hard to get over that you did that to anyone.

You are seriously way over invested in this. You did the right thing letting your DH know about the fact the affair was more than your BIL knew about so he could let him know, after that what personal decisions your BIL and SIL to-be make are theirs and while you can judge away in private, doing so publically is ridiculous.

OK, you will think less of SIL as she is a dirty cheater, but what are you holding a grudge for or think you cant forgive them for? They have done nothing to you, it has bugger all to do with you.

All you are succeeding in doing is sitting on your high horse alienating your BIL from his brother and nephew and making extended family relations awkward. Due to your dramatics you have caused a situation for your immediate family that is nothing to do with your BIL/SIL's original and personal relationship problems.

Forget about the affair and their decisions to continue the relationship, that is none of your business now, and try to work out how you will resolve the issues YOU have caused in your dh's family.

Do you still speak to your brother who cheated and did you attend his wedding? If so why is SIL being held to a higher standard? Why on earth did you watch a video of them having sex? I can't understand why you think it is up to you to forgive or not, that is your BIL's decision. And telling his friends against his wishes would be a shitty and nasty thing to do to someone you apparently care about. I abhor cheating but this isn't your relationship or business and you are probably adding to your BIL's pain by continuing to drag it on.

You're over-involved. I understand entirely why you feel the way you do. She has behaved terribly and their marriage is, to put it mildly, not getting off to the best start. As much as you feel your BIL needs saving from himself, it is not your place to impart his business to others. If you can't face going to the wedding, don't go - no dicking about with 'sickness bugs', just a polite 'we regret we have other plans'. But you have to stop feeling ownership in your BIL's personal life.

@pallisers - to clairfy i didn't sit and watch the video, with popcorn!!

I simply meant I saw the content, they were close to 100 graphic video, many of which the opening clip was them in the act!

These weren't secret videos on her phone, she had sent them on a whatapp thread to a married man, whose wife then saw them when she obtained the phone.

I'm sure she's upset I've seen them, but then aybe she should've of thought twice about sending them to the husband of a women SHE KNEW worked a few desks away from me!

Why would she apologize to the rest of the family????

And the main reason I am being so gung-ho about this is because it's absolutely plain as a piglet that this wedding isn't going to last. So don't compromise your sense of what is right for you and your family for someone who's probably going to crash into the family for a couple of years, cause havoc, and then cheat again and leave - when she finally finds someone who is actually willing to take her on, unlike your poor friend's stupid ex-H.

Has anyone actually read OP's posts about this woman? It wasn't 'a mistake'. She was cheating for months. Slagging off the BIL. Talking about divorce arrangements for her mug affair partner. Lying about 'we never had sex'. Then, once caught bang to rights, she's cool as a cucumber and fucking cheeky enough to actually tell her SIL-to-be where to go when she tries to make contact with a message I defty any one of you not to want to fucking slap her one for.

No way is this woman going to be in the BIL's life for long. She clearly doesn't give a shit about him and has spent the last six months working her butt off to get someone better - he's her fall-back.

OP, don't lower yourself or compromise for this. Your inlaws are going to end up either with egg on their faces PDQ or a nightmare few years negotiating with the bitch from hell in the family. You and your DS/DH would be well advised to keep clear.

I would go in all honesty. You don’t have to like her and you don’t have to live with her. You’ll be alienating yourself further so don’t put a target on your back.

Similar thing happened in my family. Some people refused to support the injured party in attempting to carry on the marriage and some supported her right to make her own choice. When the marriage fell apart it was those who treated her as a grown up who gets to make her own decisions that she went to for support.

Do what you want wrt the wedding, but be aware that by refusing to support his decision to continue the relationship it is likely to be your own relationship with BIL that will suffer, regardless of the eventual outcome.

She doesn't owe you or the extended family an apology it isn't you that she betrayed just your bil. This really is between the 2 of them and you need to give your bil the courtesy of knowing his own mind. I know it hurts when someone we care about is betrayed but you need to follow the lead of the person actually betrayed not the wider family.

Glue - the BIL hasn't spoken to them since his cheating shitbag of a fake fiancee told OP where to get off. They have no relationship. One of the reasons that OP feels genuinely weird about going!

@LunaTrap my brother is an absolute arse and I reguarly tell him that!

His situation was a little different as he left his fiancee to start another relationship, with a work friend - we call it an affair as is very likely (i think) there was some cross over - if only emotionally.

In your position, I would go with your dh to this wedding, say nothing and suck it up. However, your ds (unsure how old he is) id get someone to look after him so he doesn’t come. And tell the bride/groom/MIL he has a temperature. (Rather than you don’t want to involve him in the charade). If you see old school friends , you can converse with them about other stuff, not the brides infidelity!
Yanbu not to want to forgive/forget (but bear in mind the cheater may end up being the mum of your ds’s future cousin /s)
I think yabu not to attend wedding yourself. Bil has made his choice, that’s his right, you should go to his wedding and say congrats and leave as soon as you can

I think everyone has moved on from her affair except from you

Which is strange as it’s not your situation to begin with - you are definitely over invested in this! It’s not your relationship, or your brother. Why would you purposely watch a video of them having sex? Surely you could just infer the nature of the relationship from the texts. That is fucking creepy

You inserted yourself into the situation by playing detective, and now at this point I think you just enjoy the drama. You’re being immature. This sounds like the highlight of your life frankly - I’m not surprised that the couple aren’t receptive to you.

Go to the wedding, or don’t. Keep your distance, or don’t. This isn’t your place to forgive or judge so what you do is frankly, irrelevant. There are many reasons that may justify why he chose to forgive her, and he obviously hasn’t shared them with you for a reason. You should accept this and move on.

You shouldn’t have been shown the images or the video. Whilst I feel deeply for the ex wife, it is illegal to distribute ‘revenge porn’ and a massive violation of people’s privacy- whether they are twats or not. She hasn’t shown a great deal of dignity passing the phone around to her colleagues to watch her husband screwing someone else.

That aside, I think you are understandably over invested as you have seen the hurt it’s not only caused your BIL but also your colleague. You don’t really have anything to forgive SIL for though since she hasn’t wronged you, it isn’t your place to be accepting repentance. You do, however, have every right to dislike her and disregard the wedding if you so wish. I wouldn’t though since it’s showing a lack of support to your BIL who needs all the support he can get.

Do you think she owes the whole family an apology? This is their relationship, not yours. Infidelity is obviously an awful thing to do but no one really understands what goes on in other people relationships. You don't know the conversations they've had, you don't know what led her to it. If your BIL has forgiven her and he thinks it wasn't as black and white as it all being her fault (and do not blame her for the other husbands decision, that was all him) then you need to believe that.

If I had had something so deeply personal and heartbreaking happen in my relationship I would be furious and hurt to find out a member of family had been essentially gossiping about it at work.....watching videos of them having sex, ffs.

If you love your BIL you need to accept his decision and find a way to accept her. You don't have to like her but you are wrong to creat a rift when you weren't even the one she wronged. You will only be prolonging the hurt she caused rather than helping your BIL move on.

I think you should go to the wedding, it's the right thing to do but only if you can help them enjoy their day. If you are going to do and be miserable/sulk then no, you should stay away.

And do not tell his friends.......this is really none of your business and I think it's says a lot about you that you are even considering it

Horrible situation, your SIL to be has behaved appallingly. Her text message speaks volumes about her lack of remorse for the hurt she has caused. Maybe they have put all this behind them but in my experience I doubt their will be a happy ever after.

A good friend of mine went ahead with his wedding despite learning his fiancee had an affair. I would never have believed her capable of the deception to be honest, however they patched things up and decided to go ahead with the wedding. 6 months later they separated, she moved out into a flat which she charged to their joint account and continued her affair. My friend was devastated, 18 months after their wedding day she filed for divorce. Marriage enabled her to claim 50:50 of all joint assets, had they parted before the wedding they could have each walked away with what they fairly put into the relationship. Instead she went after and took everything she could.

Falling out of love with someone is not a crime, it happens however, how you treat that person after you fall out of love speaks volumes about the type of person you are.

@gluesticks

I do agree with you POV, my sister is divorced and the 'i hate to say i told you so' collective were not helpful in the aftermath!

Perhaps I need to focus on patching up relationship with BIL (this is the approach my husband has taken)

OP, but I didn't expect you to watch them with popcorn - I expected just what you described.

That you watched them at all is pretty bad and a major breach of boundaries.

That she was having sex with a married man doesn't make a difference. You watched a very intimate video not intended to be shown to you or the person who showed it. I have sympathy for the wife in this case - she hacked into her husband's account because she suspected he was unfaithful. But I don't have much for you. You didn't need to watch a video of someone else having sex and that they were cheating or put it on a whatssapp account doesn't change that. YOu did it - maybe lots of others would do the same out of prurient interest - but you should at least have the grace to know that you did a wrong thing.

You don't like your SIL and think your BIL shouldn't have forgiven. Fine - that's your point of view. Don't go to the wedding. But don't kid yourself that what you did in watching those videos was anything but a gross and horrible breach.

By the way, for what it is worth, one of the strongest marriages I know is that of the brother of an ex boyfriend of mine . 30 years married and have gone through very tough times together and are very close. She had an affair with a married man in the 6 months before that wedding. The only person the brother told was my ex and he told me. Don't be so sure this marriage is doomed to failure.

suggesting we meet and bury the hatchet. The reply was quite a rude and basically indicated they were angry at us, and that she was willing to accept me as family 'no matter what' (inferring I'd done something wrong??)

this behaviour alone would have me onto Photobox and creating a wonderful book of images and texts for her Wedding Day .... how DARE she infer you are welcome to come into HER family....

YABU.
I agree that SIL to be sounds like a horrendous character, but if BIL knows about the affair and still wants to get married - well that's his look out.

Your DH's family and probably your DH as well want to make the best of a bad situation for your BIL. Therefore for the sake of your DH and his family I'd go along and say nothing.

Well you are a bit of a hypocrite to be frank. Your brother no doubt caused a great deal of pain to his fiancée, even if his actions of dumping her for someone else aren't as bad to you.

You are hurting your BIL now, you. Dragging out the drama, making it all about you, potentially not going to his wedding leading to awkward questions, considering telling his friends against his wishes- who do you think you are? And watching sex videos is probably illegal and really grim.

Do you want to support your bil or not? If you do then you will be there at the wedding and act with an appropriate amount of amiability.

Please don’t listen to Gemini....what a truly revolting post

Only listen to Gemini if you fancy ending up in court.